Chapter 1.2
Josh and his father went to Bonnie’s grave the weekend after the funeral to spend some time with her, more privately.
Josh sat cross-legged on the fresh grave, and his Dad stood in his ex-army at ease position next to him. It was a beautiful early September day with a hint of fall in the air. Neither of them spoke for a while. Josh cried quietly a few times.
He talked to his Mom silently. Why did you have to leave us? I can’t stand how much I miss you. Moms are the people who help you with bad feelings, so what are you supposed to do when they are the ones who go? He couldn’t imagine ever feeling good again.
Tom wiped his eyes a couple of times too. Josh was too miserable to notice.
Tom wouldn’t have come here at all, but Josh begged and pleaded so he agreed to bring him. Tom didn’t believe in wallowing in bad feelings himself but he missed Bonnie so much that it wasn’t that hard for Josh to talk him into a visit.
Finally Josh said to his father, “I never thought anything like this could happen to us.”
“Me neither,” said Tom.
“Dad, what are we going to do?”
“Do about what exactly?” said Tom.
“I mean who’s going to buy us clothes and make sure we go to the dentist?”
“Oh. I guess I’m going to have to do all that. We’re going to be fine, you know. It’s just going to take some getting used to,” said Tom.
“I hope so,” said Josh. He really didn’t think his father was up to the job, but what was the point in saying so?
I’ve only been a single parent for a little more than a week, thought Tom, and I’ve already lied to the kid. He knew that they were not going to be just fine. He couldn’t afford to stay in the house without Bonnie’s income. He’d either have to get a second job, which would leave him no time to take care of Josh, or they’d have to move to an apartment. He could make up the difference for about six months from savings and by selling Bonnie’s car, and his two current fixer-upper Mustangs, if he could find time to get the work on them done. He just couldn’t bring himself to tell Josh.
Josh began to cry in earnest. Tom couldn’t decide what to do for a minute. He wanted to tell him something that would make him stop crying, but then thought that Josh probably needed to cry, so Tom didn’t do anything. After Josh cried for a while Tom said, “Your Mom was a fine lady. We were lucky to have her.”
Josh didn’t know how to respond to that but it was nice to think about something positive. His tears slowed and he wiped his runny nose on his shirtsleeve.
“Hey Dad? Your first lesson in being a Mom? You need to carry tissues with you.”
Tom grinned. “I guess I’m going to need a purse, huh?”
Josh produced a weak smile. “Maybe a backpack.”
“Bye, Mom,” he said to the grave marker. “I’ll be back soon.”
“Bye Bonnie,” said Tom. He felt silly but it seemed right to do as Josh did.
“Do you want to help me get the ’76 Cobra ready to paint?” Tom asked as they were walking through the cemetery back to the car.
“OK. But I have to go back to school on Monday. I’m already three days behind,” said Josh.
“Right,” said Tom. “Do you feel better?”
“Yeah, I do. A little bit,” said Josh.
“Me too,” said Tom. “Maybe we should do this again.”
Elaine was taking advantage of a few hours of free time on a cloudy early November day to deadhead the rose bushes in the elaborate landscaping around her patio. She overheard Max and Josh talking at the patio table where Max was supposed to be helping Josh with algebra.
“He made me quit the soccer team,” Josh said. “It sucks.”
“How come?” said Max. “He was always into you being in sports before.”
“I was supposed to take the sports bus home ‘cause Mom can’t pick me up anymore, but I missed it and he was mad because he had to leave work early to come get me.”
“Well, why don’t you just promise him that you’ll never miss it again? Act real, real sorry,” said Max.
“I did, and then I missed it again. We were all hanging out after practice talking about Ross’s new house and I forgot.”
Max laughed. “Yeah. You did do it to yourself.”
“Josh, honey,” said Elaine sticking her head around a dwarf spruce that was a focal point in a sea of thyme and rosemary, “I couldn’t help overhearing. I would be happy to bring you home when I pick Max up. All you have to do is ask. I’ll do anything I can to help out.”
“Oh God, Aunt E. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I hoped you would say that.” Josh looked so relieved that Elaine thought he would cry. “I would be so grateful. Dad is really bad at the parenthood stuff. Mom always did it. He helped some, but only if it was no trouble. Jeez, I miss her.”
Elaine took off her leather gloves, laid her pruning shears on the table and took a seat with the boys. “I know you do,” she said. “I’m sure your father does too. Try to cut him a break. He needs time to get used to the way things are now.”
“I can’t imagine if you died,” said Max. “I only have one parent.”
She was tempted to get into a discussion about him only having one parent. He was so used to the situation that the subject never came up, but she was going to have to tell him something, someday. He did have a father who was still living but she’d promised, signed a legal contract actually, that she would never tell anyone including Max who he was. Even his birth certificate said “unknown”. In exchange for that promise she received a considerable amount of child support every month, always paid exactly on time through a law office. Now that she was older and Max was not an accidental pregnancy, but a young man, it seemed that making such a promise was a dumb thing to do.
“I’m not planning on dying anytime soon,” said Elaine.
“I don’t think Aunt Bonnie was either,” said Max. He looked genuinely worried. Elaine wasn’t sure how to reassure him. She thought for a minute and then said, “Accidents like that are rare.”
Max seemed to be satisfied with that answer.
“Aunt Elaine, can I ask you for another favor?” said Josh. He looked so vulnerable.
“I guess that depends on what it is,” she answered.
“Do you know Dr. Lowan? He’s the principal at Maple Valley Middle School.”
“I’ve never met him in person. I heard him speak at different events.”
“Right. Well I never met him in person either. But he’s called and left a message on the answering machine several times. He wants to have a meeting with Dad, but Dad never calls him back. Can you ask Dad to call him?”
“What do you think he wants?” said Elaine. She imagined it had something to do with Josh’s performance or lack thereof at school.
“I don’t know. I didn’t do anything bad. I think it has something to do with Mom dying, and seeing if we’re getting along OK without her. He has that kind of reputation. I think Dad is just insulted. You know. Who is he to try to supervise us?”
“So why do you want your Dad to go see him?”
“Cause, the school will think I’m a loser if he won’t go.”
“Fair point,” said Elaine. “I’m sorry Josh, but I don’t think it’s my place to butt in.”
“Aw, Pleeeeze, Aunt Elaine?” Josh whined, putting on those brown puppy dog eyes that parents know so well. “Pleeeeeze?” Elaine decided that she was going to be dedicating a lot of time over the next few months, if not years, to mothering this poor motherless boy.
“All right, but your Dad won’t listen to him anyway. You know, you are welcome to hang out here as much as you want. I know your Dad has to work a lot, and Bonnie always used to be home in the afternoons. We’d be happy to have you.”
“Thank you. I’d like that. The house seems so empty without Mom.”
“It will get better with time honey. I
t will never completely go away, but it will get better with time.”
“I don’t think so, Aunt E. I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again.”
“That’s ‘cause you’re young. You haven’t ever experienced grief before. You don’t have what older people have – a memory of recovering from it in your past.”
“Hey, Mom,” said Max. “How do you know that stuff?”
Elaine laughed. “I don’t know. I guess I like to study people’s behavior.” She was glad to see that Josh looked more encouraged.
Tom caught up with the two brothers he worked for, Ray and Jack, and the other hired help, Frank, at the four thousand square foot new home that was their workplace for the next three days. The drywall on the first floor was installed except for the family room.
Ray opened a bucket of joint compound and then reached into his apron and said, “Damn. Where’s my spackle knife?”
Jack said, “Don’t start that again. You mean your mudd trowel.”
“No I don’t. I can call it whatever I want,” said Ray.
The plan was to finish mudding in the living and dining rooms by lunchtime.
Tom ignored the usual bickering and found a ladder and concentrated on his work and tried not to think about his personal life, which was like trying not to think about elephants. Jack and Ray argued about a radio talk show in the living room while Tom and Frank mudded silently in the dining room. Tom worked well for an hour but his worries about Josh and money kept coming back unbidden. Then he started to think about Bonnie again and lost his concentration. He ran his knife over the same joint one too many times and pulled out the compound that he had just finished smoothing.
“Shit” he said, loudly. “I can’t do anything right today.”
Jack wandered in from the living room and said, “Come on down. Let’s take a break.”
“It’s not break time yet. We can’t stop in the middle of a room,” Ray said, from around the corner.
Jack said, “If Tom is screwing up, then it’s time for a break. Wassa matter with you?” He started pounding the top onto his mudd bucket. Ray threw Jack the finger and glared.
Tom watched them go back and forth, waiting for a decision. Having two bosses that were locked in a perpetual wrestling match did not make for a clear chain of command. Frank, on his knees in the corner, decided to chime in. He always did that and Tom always got frustrated because it only prolonged the process.
Frank said, “Tom’s got a right to screw up. He’s got personal problems.”
“Did I say he didn’t?” said Ray. “All I said was that it’s not break time yet. How am I supposed to enjoy my break if I’m looking at something that’s supposed to be finished and it isn’t? It’s not good for my disposition.”
“Ok. You keep working and we’ll take a break. You gotta learn to go with the flow man,” said Jack.
“All I’m sayin’ is that Tom’s going through some serious shit. We’ve got to take that into account,” insisted Frank, apropos of nothing.
Tom was still standing on the ladder, spackle trowel in mid motion, with his mess drying on the wall. He wiped it off, because it would be easier than having to sand it down later, but he’d have to do the section over, and he didn’t know whether to start again or not.
“In case you ladies haven’t noticed, this dining room isn’t finishing itself while we’re flapping our lips, so I guess break already started,” said Jack.
Tom said, “Well now that you all finally got that figured out….”
Jack threw a rag into a trash bag and said, “Yeah?”
Tom didn’t know what he meant. He said, “What yeah?”
Jack was exasperated. “Where’s the rest of that sentence? Did you lose it?”
Then Tom was exasperated. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“What comes after ‘Well now that you all finally got that figured out….?’”
“Oh. Right,” said Tom.
Frank started to laugh. “So what comes after it? You can’t just say ‘right’.”
Tom started to laugh too. “Since you insist, now that you all finally got that figured out, I need to go piss.”
Ray said, “I’m glad we all waited for that.”
When Tom came back from “flushing” the sump pump in the basement they all had food spread out on a tarp in the studded out family room, which had a cathedral ceiling and a wall of glass looking out on a corresponding wall of glass a hundred feet away. They sat on empty five gallon buckets, and used their tool boxes for end tables.
After a few minutes of eating in silence, Frank said, “So can I ask you something, Tom?”
Tom said, “OK what?”
“It must be really tough on your son to lose his mama at a young age like that.”
“Technically, that isn’t a question,” Tom pointed out.
“God Almighty, don’t start that stuff again,” said Ray.
Frank ignored that, and Tom let it drop. Lately he’d been finding the jostling with the guys to be getting tiresome anyway. Frank went on, “So how’s he doing, really? I feel so bad for him. A young pup like that. Right about halfway between a child and a man. I lost my Dad when I was that young. Losing Mom would’ve been a lot worse I think.”
Tom was getting tired of acting like he was too tough to let this bother him, so instead of evading the subject as he had been doing for months now, he said, “He wants his Mom. He’s always looking at me like he wants something that I don’t know how to give him. I don’t know what to do.”
“Maybe you should try to keep him busy to keep his mind off his problems,” said Ray.
“Yeah, I don’t know. I can’t fix what’s really wrong. I can’t bring Bonnie back and I don’t know how to make him feel better.” There was a long pause and then Tom said, “I know what I really need to do. I need to find someone else. And the sooner the better. We both have a big hole in our lives that needs to be filled.”
“Don’t be in a rush man. You aren’t thinking straight yet,” said Jack.
“Yes I am. I know exactly what to do. I just don’t know how to do it.”
“What are you saying?” said Frank. “You mean you have a woman in mind?”
Tom nodded. “Bonnie’s best friend Elaine. She’s been like a second mother to Josh all along anyway, and she’s never been married. She’s pretty too. All I have to do is convince her to marry us. I keep being afraid to make my first move because I don’t want to start out on the wrong foot.”
“I don’t know man. It seems awful drastic,” said Jack.
“Let me ask you something, Frank. Do you think you would’ve been better off if your Mom had found a new husband while you were still young?”
“You know what? I never thought about it, but now that you ask, I probably would’ve hated him at first, because he wasn’t my Dad. But after I got used to the idea, I think it would’ve been better than having no Dad at all. Unless he was a bum, of course.”
“Yeah. Now that you mention it, I’d get a new wife too,” said Jack. “It’s awful soon, but you can’t raise that kid by yourself.”
“Women raise kids by themselves all the time,” said Ray.
“Yeah but they’re women. We aren’t. We don’t have the right instincts,” said Jack.
“OK. So we’re with you, Tom,” said Ray. He seemed to think that he actually had to approve of Tom’s plan. He nodded solemnly. “Yep, it’s a go.”
“Send her lots of flowers. They always love that,” said Frank.
Tom was relieved to find that they didn’t all think he was crazy. He said, “She sells flowers for a living, actually.” The guys laughed.
“Yeah, well you’ll think of something. Good luck,” said Jack.
“Yeah. Good luck man. You need to get your charming-the-ladies skills out of mothballs,” said Frank. They all laughed again. They seemed to be relieved that Frank’s foray into the w
orld of feelings was over quickly.
“Yep that’s it. I’ve got to shake off this funk that I’ve been in and get happy again,” said Tom, with a definite nod.
“That works for us,” said Ray. “You’ve been a pain in the ass, but you had a good reason.”
Tom didn’t come home from work that night until nearly eight. Josh made himself an egg sandwich for about the twentieth time, skipped his homework and played video games until he heard the truck in the driveway.
“Dad, Dad, guess what?” he said running down the stairs to meet him at the front door. Tom was exhausted from working his regular shift plus four hours of repacking wheel bearings for another car he hoped to sell, but Josh didn’t notice. “Guess what?” he repeated when Tom showed no reaction.
“What?” Tom said, shedding his jacket and assorted paraphernalia on the couch, and heading for the refrigerator. The stink from the refrigerator offended both of them but not so much as to cause either of them to make any effort to locate the culprit.
“I can still get back on the soccer team, and Aunt E said she’ll bring me home from practice. Cool, huh?”
“Oh. Yeah, that’s good,” said Tom.
Josh spent the rest of the evening trying to get his father into a conversation that he could gradually lead around to the subject of meeting with the principal, but to no avail. Tom was trying to watch a basketball game on television and he finally snapped at Josh, who just wouldn’t shut up, “Do you not see that I’m tired? You try working your ass off for twelve hours straight and see how chatty you feel at night.”
Josh burst into tears and ran to his room. A little while later Tom knocked on the door and came in to apologize. “Josh, I guess I better tell you something,” said Tom. Tom felt sorry for the kid, but he didn’t know what else to do. He had to tell him sometime.
“What?” Josh sat up in the rumpled bed and wiped his eyes.
“We might have to move. I wish we didn’t, but I can’t help it.”
Josh was shocked. “Dad, be serious,” he said. “I don’t want to move. Losing Mom was bad enough. How much do you think I can take?”
“I know. I know. I wish there was some other way.” Tom chewed on his lower lip. He sat next to Josh on the bed and put his hand on Josh’s knee. It felt awkward. He suddenly realized that he should have set the scene better if he had something important to tell Josh, but it was too late now. Josh sat up straighter and stared at him.
“Where do you want to move to?” Josh asked, thinking that this was just a hare-brained impulse that he might be able to talk his father out of.
“Josh, listen. I’m being serious,” Tom said. “I don’t want to move to anywhere, like another town or anything. We have to find a place that I can afford myself. Your Mom made as much as I did. We now have half as much money every month.”
“Oh shit,” said Josh, eyes wide.
“Watch your mouth,” said Tom. Then, grinning, glad for an opportunity to lighten things up a bit, he said, “Truth be told, I’ve already said enough ‘oh shits’ for both of us.”
“Maybe I could get a job,” said Josh. “Could we stay here then?”
“Hmmm,” said Tom. “I never thought of that. It’s real nice of you to offer.”
“Would it work? I could work after school and Saturdays.” He looked hopeful. Tom was impressed.
“I really appreciate the offer. But you wouldn’t be able to make enough money for what we need. Besides, what about sports?”
“I don’t want to move!” Josh said. “I’ll do anything. Tell me what to do.”
“It won’t be so bad. We’ll find an apartment near a park where you can still play outside.”
“A freaking apartment? Is that it? That sucks!”
“Try to look on the bright side,” said Tom. “I’m doing the best I can.”
“There isn’t any bright side,” said Josh. “What is the bright side?”
Tom tried to think of one quickly. He wished he had thought about this conversation in advance. He tucked that thought away for future reference. Josh was waiting for an answer.
“You’ll be able to walk to school and stuff like that until you’re old enough to drive,” he said.
“Big deal,” said Josh. “I know you can’t help it. I’m not mad at you. I’m just mad at the world.”
Tom was touched. “You’re a good kid, you know that?” he said.
“So when do we have to move?” Josh asked.
“I guess in three or four months. I have to find an apartment, and get this house sold. It will take some time.”
“Hey Dad, in case you haven’t noticed, the house is a pig sty.”
“Yeah, I know. We’re going to have to spend our weekends packing and cleaning. We’ll make a game out of it.”
“Yippee.” Josh made a face.
“I guess maybe we didn’t appreciate Mom enough,” Tom said.
“I guess we didn’t.” Josh sighed and then looked his father straight in the eyes and said, “Can we get a new Mom? I mean, not like anybody else would ever really be my Mom or anything like that. But I’d be good. I wouldn’t give her any trash.”
Tom didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to admit that he was thinking the same thing. He finally cocked an eyebrow indicating that it wasn’t a totally stupid idea and said, “It’s a little soon isn’t it?”
“I’ll be good. I swear,” said Josh.
“You’re nuts,” said Tom’s mouth, but his eyes did not agree.
They hugged and then Tom sat with Josh and stroked his hair for a long while. Josh thought it was a bit on the babyish side, but since his father was making an attempt to be comforting, he didn’t resist and he did fall asleep feeling more cared for. Tom sat for a long time watching him sleep and tried to get his tired brain to tell him how on earth to be both a mother and a father. He had always considered males and females to be practically different species. He did a good job of spelling out his problem, but he could only see one solution. Josh’s solution. Well maybe it was really his solution. Hey at least they agreed.
He finally left Josh’s room when the phone rang. It was Elaine, the woman who was beginning to inhabit the spaces in the back of his mind.
After the pleasantries and small talk, Elaine said, “I know it’s not my place to interfere, but it’s important to Josh that you speak with Dr. Lowan at the school. Josh is afraid the school will think no one cares about him, and then they won’t care about him either. I wanted to make sure you know.”
“I do care about him. A lot,” said Tom. “I can’t believe you think that.”
“I didn’t say I think that. Josh is afraid of what Dr. Lowan thinks.”
“Fine,” said Tom, wearily. “I’ll have to take off of work again.” He didn’t need to start off by disagreeing with Elaine when she was doing something motherly.
“I’m only trying to help,” said Elaine.
“I know. I know. Good night,” said Tom.
Tom lay awake for most of the night in the bed that still smelled of Bonnie’s skin lotion, wondering if he could find a new wife in the next few months, and for more reasons than money. Josh needed a mother. Tom needed to be part of a family too. Thoughts of Elaine floated around in his head and he tried unsuccessfully to push them away.
The Accident at 13th and Jefferson - Book 1 Only Page 3