by Emjay Soren
“Seth and Lilly know and I’ll let the guys know to stick close. They know he was violent and that we fled from him. That’s all they know, Carrie, feel me?”
I nodded. “Yeah, because that’s something I want my new kind of boyfriend to know.” I said sarcastically. No, I was taking my past to my grave.
He nodded again; he understood where I was coming from. “Well, I’ll make sure that they know to stick close until after the meeting. Make fucking sure you are never alone, Carrie. You go to Seth and Lilly’s, or Candy’s, or something, but safety in numbers.” He turned to me and drilled that determined stare into me. “I’ll be sticking to the same rules, Carrie. I don’t have a death wish and that sadistic fuck would definitely kill me if he got the chance.”
“Jesus, Noah, sometimes I think it’s never gonna end.”
“It will end baby girl if I have to put him down myself. Don’t lose sleep over this. No one from back home knows we’re in Gig Harbor, and we aren’t listed. He could find us easily enough, but his ass knows I’ll fucking bury him. By the time we sign this shit, he’ll be running back home.”
“How do you know, Noah? How can you be sure he won’t try to kill us or mess with us?” Noah always knew more than he let on, but something told me he was hiding something.
“After I bashed his face in, I held a gun to his head and told him he better sign and run. Then I told him I had a guy waiting to mail that box I have to his boss if I don’t check in or should come up missing. That guy is Bobby. He knows I mean business, Sissy.”
I nodded, feeling a little bit more at ease, hopeful that our dad feared Noah enough to keep his distance. Funny how bullies went running scared once their victims were able to defend themselves.
I was finishing my coffee and standing to go inside to get ready for the show. “Did Chad tell you I called in?”
“Yeah.” I struggled getting the answer out because I knew what he was going to ask me next.
“So he knows about the binge last night?” He snarled and the look of betrayal on his beautiful face made me feel like shit. He stood from the swing and came to stand facing me in the doorway. “Where’s the trust, sis?” He asked snidely.
“I’m sorry, Noah.” I was nervous, worried that any little thing might send him back upstairs for the needle. “Look, Chad came by last night after I saw you leaving the bathroom. I was upset and had gone out to sleep in the boathouse.” I started combing my hair with my fingers and could feel the guilt coming on strong.
Noah’s eyes darkened at my words and I quickly realized I just made the situation ten times worse. “Are you telling me that Chad fucking Blake came to…what…console you?” He roared and I flinched and backed into the doorframe. He immediately softened his features. “Sorry, Sissy…” He tried to calm his voice, but I could hear the anger loud and clear.
“We didn’t do anything, Noah. We fell asleep after he let me cry it out. Like it would matter anyway! Damn, this is my house too, and I am an adult.” I whined. I might have even stomped my foot.
“So now Chad, and most likely the whole band, all know I fucked up last night, and then to top it off, he creeps in and slides in bed with you so you could cry it out?” I swear to God, he actually made air quotes with his fingers when he said ‘cry it out’.
Seriously, he could drop the attitude any day.
“Yeah, Noah, that’s exactly what happened.” I said, my tone every bit as sarcastic as his.
Noah rubbed his face in his hands and moaned as if in pain. “God, Carrie how can you be this naive?” And then he laughed.
Oh. Hell. No!
“Are you seriously implying that it was anything else? Jesus, Noah, we haven’t even kissed yet!” I clamped my hand over my mouth. When I said it, I didn’t know it would embarrass me so much.
He saw the look of humiliation before I could hide my embarrassment. And then he laughed again. “Holy shit, you actually want him to take advantage of you!” It was an accusation and he knew laughing at me would piss me off even more.
I love my brother, I do, and I know he would rather bite his own tongue than say something out of anger that would hurt me. However… we were brother and sister and if we knew we could get a rise out of the other, we rarely passed on the opportunity.
“Shut up! I do not want to be taken advantage of.” The blush in my cheeks could have rivaled the damn sunset I was so red.
He was laughing and every time he looked at me he laughed harder. “Do you have any idea Carrie, any at all, how many mouths Chad Blake’s tongue has been in?” He spoke through his laughter, but at the sight of my horrified face, he started up all over again. “Don’t even think about what his dick has been in. Hell, his tongue has been in those spots too!”
“God, you’re so gross, Noah. Yes, I am aware of the Chad Blake make-out-a-thon, but sadly I am not in the lineup.”
“Well, thank God baby girl, because I couldn’t stand knowing that my best friend was defiling my sister.” Though he was still laughing, there was a hint of threat in his voice.
“Noah, I am not looking for a quickie, or to be one in the million or more that he has been with. I do however, like him, Noah. A lot. And I think he likes me too.” Jesus, last night and this morning I felt like he was respecting me, not building me up or playing some game.
“I don’t question if he likes you, Sissy. I know he does. Chad Blake doesn’t need an invitation, the women he sleeps with beg for it. The fact he’s taking the time to get to know you, makes me happy. All day at the shop he’s on that damn phone and it’s you he is talkin’ about. I just don’t want you to read more into it than there is. There is no way that you could process the sexual shit that Chad has gotten into.” He had become serious and pulled me into his arms. “You have never been with someone intimately who would take it easy, and love on you and never hurt you. I don’t want you to confuse what normal sexual attraction is for love and wind up hurt.”
He just spoke my deepest fears out loud. It was a testament to how profoundly we knew each other and how strong our bond was. At the risk of him tearing into me, I confided in him like I always do. “Noah, just because my sexual history is tainted and fucked up, doesn’t mean that I don’t desire a physical bond.” When I saw him cringe I hurried along, forcing him to listen. “You have to accept that I am an adult and not an imbecile. I want to experience this without a constant reminder of what Dad did and what he took from me. You have to accept that I may experience it all with Chad, and I may not. Either way, it’s my decision.”
“Just promise me that when you let someone love you that way, that they deserve you and that gift.”
I laughed uncomfortably. “Noah, I’m not a virgin. I don’t have a gift to give a guy, but I promise to be careful and protective of my heart and my body.”
“No, Carrie.” He said and pulled back to grip my shoulders and look me in the eye. “You may not be a virgin sexually, but you never gave yourself to someone willingly, you never let them have you as the gift. That gift is worth way more than some small piece of skin that rips in a split second.”
God, he was kind of gross, in a sweet, protective sort of way.
“God your blunt, Noah. I get it, ok? I won’t be stupid. Now can we please get ready for your gig? You have a meeting and practice and I need to look amazing because I am seeing you and Chad in all your awesomeness for the first time tonight.” I was excited about tonight. There was so much shit going on in our lives right now, I just wanted to live tonight and enjoy it.
“You know what to expect tonight, right?” He asked me, his eyes told me he was serious.
Oh god, he wasn’t done with big brother lectures.
“Meaning?”
“Meaning the girls that will be all over Chad like flies on shit.” He was serious and wasn’t pulling any punches with me. He knew better than anyone how sexually charged it was to be in a band.
“Honestly no, but I like Chad, and I trust all of you guys, so I will be open
minded and hope it’s not as bad as I think it will be.”
He laughed. “Let me know how that works out for you.” He said and walked away without another word on the subject.
Chad
Once I am at the shop and getting my day going, I block out the last two hours of my schedule so I had time to confront Noah. A blindside was the only way we could do this. Noah is smart and knows how to placate us. He did it before when he was using heavily.
I decide to text him that we need an urgent meeting as the ban.
We need to talk. This is urgent. Meet at practice an hour early. Not negotiable.
I sent the text to the guys knowing I needed to get to the bottom of this shit. Noah was the last to respond.
I know Carrie told you. I am headed to a meeting then the studio for two tats. We will need to talk after practice or after the show.
God dammit!
I asked Carrie to let me handle it, but loyal to the end she gives him a heads up. I know I can’t interfere with their bond, but we need to trust each other. She needs to trust me, and I know that’s a big deal to her, but I deserve the same.
I wish you hadn’t told Noah you told me. As a band we had the right to confront it without him having a plan. We see the addiction differently and I know you know why he does this shit, we don’t.
Her response was quick.
He knew you were here and accused me of having sex with you. I explained why we were in the boathouse. I wasn’t trying to give him a head start.
I understand that. It is what it is, I just wish I could prove that you could trust me.
I don’t get a response for a while and right before I leave the studio it comes through.
You are right. I will try to be more forthcoming. What we went through…
I read the message and wait for the rest because I know she is struggling. Then it comes through.
What we went through isn’t something I’m ready to talk about just yet. There are unbelievably bad things in our past and it affected us both in different ways. I will try to help you understand more. I’m sorry Chad. But give me time to process what I need to share.
I read the message a few times wishing I knew more but understanding that things that hurt are hard to throw out there. Obviously, it makes sense it was bad based on they way the move in sync let alone their bond.
Realizing that it is okay to have an issue arise between us and work through it, might be my most adult thing ever.
I am always here for you guys. This is me as your man and me as his friend, both your friend. No matter what happens between us Carrie, understand it is separate from the bond we all share. We are always here for you both. It goes beyond friendship and the band. We are family.
Not wanting it to go further, I sent another to remind her she was still mine.
Now, stop chewing your bottom lip wondering what to make of what I just said. Accept it and go get your fine ass ready to see me play babe.
I finish up with my clients for the day and check out of the shop. I was booked for the day and didn’t have time to check in with Noah, but once in my truck my phone lights up with Noah’s number. I take a deep breath before I have to deal with him. I would give dude a kidney but I won’t give him the time of day to give me his excuses for this shit either.
“Hey.” I say and turn left on main headed to my house to shower and head to the warehouse.
“I’m gonna be a few minutes late to practice. Wanna talk after or what?” He didn’t sound annoyed, it is possible this was some dumb shit and he knew it. I hoped so, I hope this wasn’t the calm before the storm.
“That’s fine. I’m haulin’ ass to get there on time too.” I want to ask him why, just why? But it isn’t the time. He must have picked up something in my tone though.
“Bro, I get it I do. What I did was fucked up on every level. I went to a meeting and I got my feet back under me. I want…”
He gets this nervous tone and Noah isn’t the nervous type.
“There’s things that I don’t discuss. I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about my stance on it, it is what it is. That being said though I know that it’s time I lay some cards on the table so maybe you can understand my disfunction.”
I sigh… I don’t know how to make this not about anything but the drug use because I know he is fucked up over shit from his past.
“I wont write you an excuse so you get a free pass Noah. This isn’t smoking weed or a few bumps of coke on New Years Eve. This is some dark shit I can’t get on board with.”
“Dude you think I don’t know that? I am hanging on by a fucking thread right now Chad. Coming at me with judgement will make me walk. You wanna get off the soapbox for two seconds I can try to explain it.”
Oh, he wants to walk? Fuckin bye!
“My soapbox? I am so sick of your shit the last month. You fuckin talk down to me, accuse me of some truly rude things where Carrie is involved and go off the deep end without a clue or a sign to fucking pull you out? You want to walk, go I wont stop you but don’t fucking threaten me with it. I may not want to replace you but will if you force my hand.” I am mad as hell and it’s at a tipping point.
Then he laughs, like the fucking Joker. “You think I want an excuse or a pass… Chad you can’t fathom what I’m dealing with so don’t try to fill my shoes. I’ll talk to you but I wont beg or be put down.”
“Noah…” I say and I know I sound defeated. “I am not trying to make you feel like shit. I am sick of cryptic shit and I am more confused now than I have ever been. You want support, you get it but you cannot keep us in the dark when you get an urge to scratch that nasty itch. Nobody can help you if you don’t let anyone know where your head is at.”
He is silent for a few beats and I back in to my garage so I can load up, keeping him on my Bluetooth.
“I get it.” He finally says and for now we are at an impasse.
“Ok. Let’s talk the four of us after the show. We don’t need this kind of upset before a gig. Let’s hit the warehouse get a few sets in before the Aloha house.”
“Good deal.” He replies. “Chad?”
I hear the catch in his voice and disconnect the Bluetooth. Something in his voice tells me this should not be heard in my front yard.
“Yeah?”
“Some of what I have to say… might make you feel different where Carrie is concerned…”
I interrupt him knowing he is trying to do the right thing. “Nothing will change my opinion of Carrie, Noah. Whatever it is I’ll be okay with it.”
“Cool.” He says and ends the call before I can say anything else.
What I did know was confusing. Somehow it would come to a head tonight and at this point I am expecting him to tell me they were abducted by aliens or some shit.
Regardless, I had no idea what the secret is and for the first time since meeting the Becketts…I’m not sure I want to know.
Chapter Eight
Carrie
The Aloha House was holding a show for Hometown Heroes and I was ecstatic to see Thick as Thieves live for the first time. I was shocked by the turnout. The place was packed. I had my two best friends with me, Candy and Cassa and a mutual friend of mine and Chads’ from work, Celeste. Cassa’s brother Mike and his high school sweetheart turned wife, Roni, sat at the table beside us.
We waited for the band to take the stage. I sipped on my illegal beer in an Aloha House plastic cup. I was the last of our group to turn twenty-one, though my birthday was just around the corner. There was no way though, that I was going to be able to watch this show without a little mood enhancement. I was under strict orders from Noah that I was not allowed to take a drink from anyone other than himself or Chad directly, and that I was never to leave the table alone.
So there I sat watching my man set up amps and doing mic checks. Damn he was hot. It was different to see him in this light. He was so serious as he checked all the mics and tested the amps. His focus was completely on his passion fo
r the music and the performance and it was sexy as hell.
"Girl, you look amazing tonight.” Candy said as she slammed yet another shot of tequila. I had wanted to dress low key because the Aloha House wasn’t a glamorous club, but I was a girl. I wore my tightest skinny jeans in a worn out blue with my to-die-for red stilettos. They, like most of my clothes, were knock offs, I think these were Jimmy Shoes. I wore a black halter top with a high collar and a deep cut V neck in the front. My blonde hair was pulled up in a messy knot and all the loose strands hung around my face and neck and made me feel impossibly sexy. A few bangles embossed in various bling, and black smoky eyes topped off the look. I was trying to pull off the ‘my boyfriend is in the band’ look and hoped I succeeded.
I had become a woman who dresses to seduce a man, only I was seducing him for a measly kiss. I have never dressed for someone else before and I hoped I didn’t disappoint. I felt fantastically sexy regardless.
“I hope you’re right, Candy.” I smiled and sipped my beer and looked around for my man, who was walking to the main entrance when Noah walked in.
They didn’t seem to be in a heated conversation, and I hoped that Chad would wait until the end of the show to confront him about last night. They spoke a few more minutes and then together walked behind the stage.
“Ohmigod girl, did you see Chad? I am going home with him tonight if I have to beg.” I heard the girl beside me say. I was both shocked and appalled.
“I’ll take a piece of Shamus or Cal if I can’t get Noah, but I know those piercings of his are guaranteed to rock my world.” The second girl said, just as trashy as the first.
Was this really how women behaved themselves, how they talked? If so, then I was way out of my league with Chad. I know this was my first show, and I knew they had a large following of desperate women, but this was a bit over the top. I listened to these women chatter on about a million different things they would do to my brother and my man, all the while bile rising in my throat.