by Emjay Soren
My last thought before sleep takes me is that I am done for. I am fucking insanely gone for this girl.
Chad
It’s later than I would like as I wake up frozen because Carrie stole the blankets and the bed. The smell of cigarettes in a close distance tell me Noah is home and outside. I jump up and throw on my jeans and shirt before heading out. No way was he going to barge in seeing her asleep barely dressed alone with me.
As I exit, I stop short when I see him sitting, smoke in hand looking at the bay. He hears me as I make my way over and I am prepared for some reason as well as a riot at this point.
“Coffee is fresh inside.” Is all he says and for now I will take it. An olive branch between us would break, but maybe this is a twig.
I make a coffee and decide to head out and take a seat at the small table on the patio with him. We sit there for a while in silence, but a comfortable one before he spoke.
“I always forget how far we came. Fifty miles give or take a few, but I come out here sometimes and realize I built something for us.”
I nod, not sure what to say outside of small talk. Maybe we need small talk right now. “I always think of Shames dad’s place on Mercer, the way the cove bends there.” I point out to the cove before I look at him. “We used to wait for Jerry to head out on a run and we would sneak out to that cove on the jet skis and party all weekend until Jerry caught us anyway.”
He laughs as do I. “Gramps had me on lockdown for two weeks from that.”
“How old were you guys?” He asks me.
I scratch my head, “I don’t know, fourteen I think.”
He nods with a smile and looks back out on the water. “I’ve never been on a jet ski.”
Not sure what to say. I know damn well why he has never been on one and to pity him will piss him off, even if it’s from a place of compassion. “We should go out. Jerry won’t punish us these days. Hell, he’s been drunk for two years since Shames mom died he wouldn’t even know if they had fuel.”
He doesn’t say anything but lights another smoke. I decide maybe I need to be the one to talk. “I heard you and Carrie last night.”
He nods. “Shame told me.”
I nod.
Fuck, it was like our friendship was gone.
“I’ve never yelled at her like that before.” He says and the disappointment in his voice speaks volumes on his guilt.
“You guys will be ok though. She told me a little…confirmed I guess is the right term. I get why you are the way you are Noah.”
He laughs and shakes his head. “I’m up your ass because you’re you…” He turns to look at the boathouse and points with his cigarette, “And Carrie is Carrie. This thing between you guys only ends one of two ways. Complete destruction…”
“Or complete joy.” I offer hoping he sees what he’s known forever. “This isn’t a fling Noah, you know that.”
He takes the last drag and flicks the butt out. “I know that. She doesn’t and she is way more guarded than you think and she knows you. She has seen the girls, watched the flirting and living in Gig she knows all the tales of GQ; the male whore.”
“I know she does, I don’t hide it.”
“Exactly. You aren’t treating her like she’s special. A pussy party and a gig don’t make it to the top of my list as a date unless I want to show off and get laid.”
Jesus it’s like a never-ending nightmare, me defending myself for shit I had every right to do. “You act like I’m looking for an easy lay and then dissing her in a text or some shit.” My voice was getting loud and I didn’t want to wake her up over more fucking Noah drama.
Noah stands up so I follow suit. Round fucking eleventeen here we go. “Like you have such a kick ass track record?”
“Who fucking cares?” I yell as he lights another cigarette. “I haven’t tried to hide my shit from her. She knows I like fucking; she knows I can get pussy anytime day or night. She knows all my shit bro, and I am still lucky enough to call her mine. I’m not about to fuck it all up.”
“I didn’t say bare your soul. I want you to make your intentions clear. Do it quick, because Carrie ain’t a fangirl or a whore regardless of my stupid fucking mouth.”
“I can’t in good conscience go in there and hand over my bleeding heart and scare her. This is new to her, not to me. I’ve been here for a while now. I have never been deeper and because of how much she means to me I will forgive you for making her cry and feel shit she should be allowed to forget.”
The look he gives me speaks volumes on how deep their secrets stay hidden. He looks lethal.
“Well I don’t know how deep you think you’re in or what you may or may not know but take it all and multiply it by a fucking million and you might come close to what she needs to forget.” Knowing I need to tread carefully here, this is their life, their nightmare and I have no right to impugn on him… I just want his help and to see I have her back.
“I’ll tell you what I know and what she has admitted. I’ll tell you only because her safety is all I care about. I know he sexually assaulted her for years and that it was often. Because I know that my intentions as you call them are that I am in her bed every night from now till she kicks me out.”
“Great plan Blake. Let her come clean with her abuse and then in the next breath try and fuck her!”
I fucking put all my weight into slamming his arrogant know it all ass against the wall. “Watch it bro or this can get ugly. Butt the fuck out of anything involving me and Carrie! I don’t care if me and my girl fuck or not, either way it’s not your business. Carrie is an adult and can make her own decisions. She has decided to let me in and I ain’t about to piss on that because you have some desperate need to keep her safe. I have that need too and as her man it’s my place to hold her when she gets scared and back her up when she wants to fight. That girl is everything to me Noah and you fucking know it! No more of this bullshit from you. She’s my girl until she tells me to fuck off. Until then I will be doing everything in my power to keep her from ever wanting to get rid of me.”
His response here and now makes or breaks our friendship. “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Noah says and I am done, so fucking done.
Chapter Nine
Carrie
“You two pieces of shit are worthless you know that?” His voice is like acid the way it burns me to hear him. Noah cringes the same as I do but he keeps quiet. I don’t know if it’s because his lips are busted and swollen but he stays quiet and I am thankful.
He grabs me by my hair and drags me from my safety with Noah. I don’t know why I am so scared this time. I have been there done that with him so many times that I find this place in my mind where I close up and drift to keep from remembering the things he will no doubt force me to do.
Maybe its Noah’s whimpers that terrify me, perhaps it’s because he has been rougher with me lately. Either way I am scared to death to leave Noah’s side. I follow my father into his room, but I catch a final glimpse at Noah and he mouths ‘trust me’ through battered and bruised lips.
Our school days are long gone, and we school from home now. I think about how next year I would have been in high school, with proms and school spirit and drivers ed. Those are the things that I dream about. I can hear the ringing of his belt in the distance, but my mind has already sent me adrift.
I won’t think of proms today. I won’t think of dates or boys or love songs because I learned long ago, even thinking of things I want when he is inside of me will kill any future dreams or hopes. So, I think of Drivers Ed and wishing I had a car, a red one that was fast and could take me and Bubba far away.
He pulls free of my body and pushes me roughly to my stomach, smashing my face in the pillow before entering me painfully from behind. I hate this way I am so scared because I can’t see him or know what’s coming. I can’t drift in this position because panic starts to assail me. He pushes me into the mattress harder, but pulls free on a curse, his watch catching in my h
air, taking a chunk of my long blonde strands with him.
I hear his belt again and I foolishly wonder if he is done when he grips me by my hair and pulls me back until I am crouched on my knees before him. He wraps my hands around the swollen part of him before he loops the belt repeatedly around my hands holding him. When the belt is tight, and I can’t move my hands from off of him he pulls my hair and hisses in my ear.
“Now fight me princess. Make me come while you try and get free of me.”
I awake with a gasp and realize instantly it was a memory. I am sticky with sweat and my sheets are wrapped around me, clearly, I was fighting in my sleep. I climb from the bed and look around for Chad. He isn’t anywhere but I see his black combat looking boots and his wallet and keys are still on the counter so he can’t be far. I splash water on my face but stop when I hear low voices coming from the front of the boathouse.
I go to the window and peek out recognizing Noah’s voice instantly and hearing Chad’s a few seconds later. I am so not above eavesdropping when it comes to the dominant men in my life fighting about me.
“You make it sound like I’m looking for an easy lay and then dissing her in a text or some shit.” Chad practically hisses and I know he wants to yell at Noah but won’t because they know the window is open and I’m sleeping just beyond it.
Or was sleeping. Now I am in full on creeper mode.
“Like you have such a kick ass track record.” Noah responds snidely and I can hear him take a drag from a cigarette. Noah only smokes when his backs against the wall. That means I have a huge apology coming my way from him.
“Who cares?” Chad demands his voice getting angrier by the heartbeat. “I haven’t tried to hide my shit from her. She knows I like fucking; she knows I can get pussy any time day or night. She knows all my shit bro and I’m still lucky enough to call her mine. I am not about to fuck it all up.” I didn’t know what he meant by fucking it all up. I was the one hiding secrets.
“I didn’t say bare your soul, I said make your intentions fucking clear and do it damn quick because Carrie isn’t a fangirl, or a whore regardless of my fucking stupid mouth.” That was Noah and at least I could hear the remorse in his voice.
“I can’t in good conscience go in there and hand over my bleeding heart and scare her. This is new to her, not to me. I’ve been here for a while now. I have never been deeper and because of how much she means to me I will forgive you for making her cry and feel shit she should be allowed to forget.” Chad isn’t even masking his anger any longer.
“Well I don’t know how deep you think you’re in or what you may or may not know but take it all and multiply it by a fucking million and you might come close to what she needs to forget.” Noah is now pissed and not hiding the anger as well. If I was sleeping and not creeping, I would be mad as hell. However, intrigued I hated knowing that they were fighting over me for a reason I couldn’t understand.
“I’ll tell you what I know and what she has admitted. I’ll tell you only because her safety is all I care about. I know he sexually assaulted her for years and that it was often. Because I know that my intentions as you call them are that I am in her bed every night from now till she kicks me out.”
“Great plan Blake. Let her come clean with her abuse and then in the next breath try and fuck her!” Noah is out right yelling. I know he isn’t mad at Chad but upset to be talking about my past.
I hear a loud thud against the wall and then some struggling before I hear Chad’s voice and the anger in it. His nerves are shot and grated. “Watch it bro or this can get ugly. But the fuck out of anything involving me and Carrie!” His voice was razor sharp and serious to the point of hurting Noah. “I don’t care if me and my girl fuck or not, either way it’s not your business. Carrie is an adult and can make her own decisions. She has decided to let me in and I ain’t about to piss on that because you have some desperate need to keep her safe. I have that need too and as her man it’s my place to hold her when she gets scared and back her up when she wants to fight. That girl is everything to me Noah and you fucking know it! No more of this bullshit from you. She’s my girl until she tells me to fuck off. Until then I will be doing everything in my power to keep her from ever wanting to get rid of me.”
Holy fuck!
Yeah…holy fuck!
“I’ll believe it when I see it.” Noah says matter of fact and I hope that Chad smacks him but alas he doesn’t. This is getting too ugly and too heated for my sake.
“Well then open your eyes.” I say through the window and know I have simply scared the hell out of them both. I walk out the door to stand in the sun and maybe steal a few drags from Noah’s smoke. Taking it from him I go willingly to Chad’s arms.
“You were supposed to be sleeping.” Chad says and kisses me on the tip of my nose his hand slides down my back in a gentle caress that is nothing like his obvious anger at Noah.
I take a drag and let the nicotine work its magic. I hate the smell of smoke and I hate the taste, but every now and then it is the only cure to anger and pain and a few drags go a long way. “I woke up and you were gone then I heard you guys and listened like a creeper.”
No sense in lying. I owned it.
“We woke you?” Noah asks and it’s the first time we have talked since the fight last night. I shake my head no but can’t look at him. I love him dearly and I know that this will blow over. Noah is the most constant and caring person in my life, but that makes it easy for him to hurt me too. He called me a whore and stupid in the same breath. It will take some serious time before I can let that go.
“Nightmare.” I say and leave it at that. Noah knows that the weight of that one word is almost unbearable. Chad knows now too.
Chad doesn’t ask questions and I am so grateful for that. “I was telling your brother that last night was ugly, we talked and to back off.” He says before pulling me in front of him and wrapping his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder. The sun is bright, and the water is calm. The temperature is perfect, and I want to bask in the perfection of a warm Washington day.
“Good I’m glad we all agree.” I look to Noah, “I am an adult and whatever my needs or fears I will discuss them with Chad because he is the other half of the issue your having. I also know Chad likes to sex a lot and I know he has had a lot of it. I am not a prude Noah and I’m not blind of the things I see. All of this between Chad and I, it’s affecting my relationship with you and your relationship with Chad.” I move from Chad’s arms and pull another drag from the smoke.
I stop before Noah and look him strait in the eye. “He was wrong bubba; we have people who love us and care for us and he can’t take that I won’t let him fucking have it.” I say nothing else and turn to look at Chad who looks sad and proud if that’s even a combination.
“Wanna go to Pikes today?” I ask desperate to enjoy the sun and bask in it for a change. The double meaning not lost on me one bit.
*
Driving from Gig Harbor to Pikes Pier in Seattle was no more than an hour but I wished it had been longer. Chad had opened the door for me and as I climbed in his truck, he gave my ass a light tap before closing the door. Before I could get my seatbelt on, he was in the truck and wrapping his hand around my thigh pulling me into the middle of the bench so I sat right next to him.
He had kept his hand there the entire time unless he was shifting gears. He even drove sexy. I could see every defined muscle on his tattooed arms when he held the wheel or shifted gears, between my legs no less. His hand always returned to the inside of my thighs but never touching me enough.
“I always wanted to do this.” He says and looks in the rearview before changing lanes.
“What, go to the Pier? You’re kidding me, right?”
He gives me a look that says, ‘oh please’ and shakes his head. “No baby I have been to the Pier about a hundred times. I meant this.” He motions between us and our closeness. “I have never had a girl sitting like this in my truck.
I like having you all close to me where I can touch you and smell you right at my side.”
Well I had nothing to say to that, so I smiled and basked in his happiness. “You look sexy as hell too.”
“Ah I knew it was coming. There’s the Chad Blake I know and love.” I gasped the instant I said it feeling like a complete tool. I said love and there was no way to back pedal this one, so I just carried on like I said nothing, my cheeks the same red as the tank top I wore. “Thanks, I wasn’t sure if the humidity was too high, but I prefer Capri pants to shorts or jeans.” I rambled on about my black fitted Capri’s and the red flip flops I was wearing.
When I could only ramble so long about my basic attire, I just sunk back into the bench seat and hoped to die. He laughed and leaned in to kiss the cap of my shoulder quickly careful to not lose control of the road. “I knew what you meant Carrie Girl. I love you too because I have known you for years. The goal is to get you to be in love with me.” He says it genuinely and with a panty dropping smile.
“The goal huh?” I ask teasingly.
“I’m trying baby, I’m trying.” He gives me that wink and I feel myself fall deeper. It is one thing to be in love with someone you haven’t known for five years. It takes time to know a person and their quirks. Take knowing Chad for five years and already knowing what makes Chad, Chad and then bring in the physical components and it won’t take much to fall in a new and different love with him.
That is my conundrum with Chad Blake in a nutshell.
*
We get to the pier and it is all that it should be. Crowds have gathered to stand in the spotlight of the sun knowing that it is a rare and awesome treat. I buy a bottle of farm made honey and some organic apples when Chad stops in front of a flower vendor. There is an array of wildflowers in separate green pots in every shade imaginable. Chad leans in behind me and kisses me on my neck before asking against my ear, “any of these flowers your favorite?” I shiver as his lips vibrate against the lobe of my ear as he speaks, and he laughs before biting it gently.