by Emjay Soren
“Focus Noah.” I say calm as I can.
“I was mad as hell that she was blowing me off again. So, I grabbed some chick that had been after my dick for over a year. Candy walked in right after I went down on the chick and I didn’t know she was there until you told me.” He poured another shot and slams it back. I take the bottle of Skyy and move it to my side because he is done with the shots and the bombing.
“What happened after you sent the last message?” I ask and I don’t even know if he knows. He hands me his phone after thumbing through it and grimaces when he finds what he was looking for. It’s another text, the final text from Candy.
Look outside by the bay.
I take his phone with me and go to look toward the bay and my jaw drops when I see what Candy did for my smelly ass faced brother. Candy had something in common with Noah that very few people knew from home. She was a hell of an artist it was her passion. She had taken the ‘I love you message’ from my brother and painted the screen of his phone. One line read their messages from the’ I love you’ to her response that never came. She called it ‘I should have told you…’ and her message was clear, she loved him too. The painting was spectacularly Noah. It was basic and artsy and to the point still holding an abundance of depth. It was personal and made for him.
I stepped outside and drew in close to get a good look at the gift she gave him. Beneath her ‘I should have told you love you too’ response was a p.s message that broke my heart.
Ps I’m sure glad I didn’t.
Suddenly my fears with Chad were weak at best.
“What do I do Sissy?” He asks and Noah is the one with answers, I’m the weak one; but I know my brother and I know my bestie.
“I sat with her last night Noah, for a while and I had no Idea she did this. I know she is hurting and until last night I didn’t know she loved you or that you were even close to such a tender emotion. Honestly, I need to process this because I didn’t see it coming.” I look back outside to the painting and decide to go and bring it in because rain is near constant and I wasn’t going to ruin her message. Noah needed to see his fuck up loud and clear.
“I do love her, and I know I fucked up and ruined it, but I swear all I wanted was to ease that burn.” I knew what he meant and nodded.
Didn’t make it right.
He scrubs his face with his hands and takes a deep breath. “What about you? How was the Pier with God’s gift to women?” I know he’s joking but it hits close to home after his ‘I could be with any woman’ comment.
He sees me shudder at his joke and stops smiling. “It was a joke Sissy.”
I sigh now and pour my own shot of Vodka. I decided that filtering through this conversation was not going to work. Taking Chad’s gentleness, I blurt it out. “I slept with Chad tonight!”
His jaw drops and even though I know he knew it would happen; he can’t hide the shock at my confession. So, I kept going.
“Three times!”
I lift the shot and slam it back gagging as the bitter burn hits my tongue. So fucking gross.
Noah says nothing but looks at me like he is contemplating his next words. “You ok?” He asks me quietly and I feel my tears burning. I nod and the tears fall and so does my face into my hands.
Noah slams his hand against the wood of the table and roars a curse. Standing the chair, he was in slams against the wall as he starts pacing the room. “Are you lying? Because you look pretty fucked up right now!”
His hands are shaking, and he is so angry that if Chad shows up now before I can explain he will kill him. “Noah calm down Chad didn’t upset me, I upset myself.”
He looks at me then and I can see that he calms dramatically. He can handle me in my own head. “How? Tell me what happened Sissy.” He draws his brows in and says what in our world means no secrets. “Trust me, c’mon.”
“I think I am like some weird submissive chick or something Noah.”
The look he gives me is priceless and I almost laugh. “What?”
I run my fingers through my hair and knowing it’s my nervous habit I pull it up in a messy knot on top of my head and groan in complete defeat. “I can’t tell you without being somewhat graphic Noah so make sure you can handle hearing it and know that you are never going to tell Chad?”
He cringes and I know he isn’t looking forward to what I am going to tell him. He is so stupid to think I meant that kind of graphic. “Not like that Noah, Jesus.”
He shrugs and sits down leaning over me to grab the bottle he gives me a look that says don’t even think of taking this from me.
I wouldn’t. “Me too please.” I say and open the bottle as he gets another shot glass. We both shoot our Vodka and then I find the liquid courage and unleash. I tell him everything, about how he restrained me, how I liked what he said. That the fear wasn’t there.
“That doesn’t make you a submissive Carrie. You like rowdy sex its fine.” Then he shrugs like what I just told him was that it might rain.
Was it really that simple? “You don’t find it odd, that after everything I did with dad…”
“Stop!” Noah snaps and I flinch. “You didn’t have a choice with him Carrie, and he is a sick fucking twisted psychopath. He honestly believed that he was making love to you, that he was sharing something beautiful with you. He kicked my ass because he knew I was stopping his brainwashing with trust me. There is no way that I would have ever thought you were some desperate sub looking for punishment.”
“What if that’s what Chad wants?” There it was my fear that I would never amount.
Noah laughs. “Carrie, Chad is a freak like the rest of the men in the world. I have been in the room playing Call of Duty while he gets laid. We all know how Chad is.”
I am beet red listening to Noah. I am not shy or embarrassed by his admission but fucking furious. “I swear to God if he thinks I’ll fuck him any place any time then you were right, I am nowhere near ready for Chad.”’
He takes my hand in his and smiles. “Sissy I was wrong. You are perfect for Chad. I just can’t stand the thought of knowing what he does to women being done to you.”
“He says he loves me and that he has for some time now?” I ask it as a question wanting Noah to confirm or deny.
He nods. “He does baby girl. You’re it for him. We’ve all known forever, and he always said if he ever got the chance to be with you, he would do anything to keep it locked down and sealed tight so he never lost you. I was terrified that his style of…sex… would freak you out and break you. Turns out that he is exactly what you need.”
“What do I need?”
“You need the complete fucking opposite of Cody Becket!” He slams another shot after snarling our fathers name. Noah would rather kill himself then ever hurt another human being unless it was in my defense. Cody Becket was the exception to that rule. Noah would kill him, will kill him if he ever comes near us again. He has never denied the truth of that promise.
“You think it’s okay for me to like that sort of thing? Restrained and hard? It scares me that I like it and scares me when I think of every time I was restrained.”
Noah falls to his knees before me and cups my face in his hands forcing me to look at him. “Don’t you let him win Carrie. We win remember. He can’t have the gift you gave Chad; he can’t touch Chad’s love for you. We win sissy!”
I know he is right, and I wish he would take his own advice. “I think you need to try a few styles with Chad, tell him a little about Cody and let him in so he knows what’s too far.”
“I can’t believe you’re being so grown up about this.” I say and kiss his cheek before hugging him close.
“Carrie I’ll do anything to keep you safe. Telling Chad about him is going to keep you from ever being scared in the moment. I don’t see Chad going away Carrie and that means you need to let him in.” He pulls back from me and stands. “You know I have been asked by girls to call them whores or to spank them and because of my past I can’
t do it. I’m pretty sure I’m a bore in bed.” He laughs but I know he thinks low of himself.
“What song are you right now?” I ask and it’s how we talk in code. Noah and I are fucked up and we live in our own language, but it works for us. Asking what song, he is will tell me where his heart is.
“Easy. And strangely it’s not an Alice song. Hinder’s ‘Better than me’.” I want to cry because ‘Better than me’ is sad and angry. “You?”
“You know I’m a bit of a freak tonight. I have to go with a little ‘Burnin it down.” He cringes and I don’t know what part offends him more, the singer being his polar opposite or the fact the song is entirely about sex…anywhere.
“Call Candy, tell her to meet you somewhere and tell her in person that you love her.”
Noah just laughs and before he can answer the doorbell rings and he leaves to get it. “Lover boy is at the door!” Noah yells from the living room and I hear them both laughing, and I love the sound. I walk to the arched entryway separating the kitchen from the living room. My eyes find him instantly and I soak him in wanting him again. “Hey Beautiful.” He says and winks at me. He has a duffle bag with him, and I watch Noah as he stares at it like the plague.
“Moving in?” Noah asks and locks the door behind Chad and follows him to the kitchen. Chad wraps his arms around me immediately and sighs when I hug him back. I hate knowing I scared him enough to feel relief when I embrace him. He kisses my temple and whispers, “feeling better baby?”
I nod and take his hand in mine wanting to head to the boathouse now. “Hey?” Noah says from beside us annoyed that we are ignoring him. “Answer me fucker!”
“Yes, I’m moving in until we know your dad ain’t dumb enough to come around her.” The use of his ‘her’ wasn’t lost on me or Noah. It was smart. Noah would be offended if he thought he needed Chad’s protection.
“No need, I have a gun and a shovel and the perfect spot out back.”
My jaw drops when Noah says it because it’s probably the most he has ever said about Cody to Chad. “What spot?” I ask because anything involving the death of Cody Becket has my undivided morbid attention.
“The fucking bay. Let the fish have his ass.”
We all laugh, and I take Chad pulling him to the door to get him alone when the doorbell rings again. I know in that instant that Noah has frozen just like me. Anyone who we would have expected is here already. Both on edge and Chad notices he tugs my arm keeping me inside. He looks to Noah. “It’s cool man go get the door.”
I don’t know what Chad is expecting but I know that Noah and I are expecting our dad on the other side of that door. Noah walks cautiously to the door and makes a loud sigh when he looks through the peephole. Opening the door, I hear the boisterous voices of the remaining members of TAT. Shamus and Cal walk in the kitchen with a few bags and a ton of beer.
“What the fuck are you guys doing?” Noah asks and gives a high five handshake thing to Shame and Cal.
“I told em’ to come on over. We’re all roomies until we figure this thing with your dad out.” Chad says it like it’s the obvious and normal response to mine and Noah’s confusion.
“Why?” We both ask confused and a little overwhelmed. I for one didn’t need an even more crowded house tonight. I had plans with Chad.
“Dude…” Shame says, and his voice is soft and friendly.
“You really need to learn to read people Bro.” Cal says throwing Cheetos in the air and catching them with his mouth.
“I don’t think you’ll ever get it Noah.” Chad said and I was glad that I wasn’t as jaded as Noah because I finally understood it. “We are your family Noah, Carries too. We stick together and if that fucker wants to get to you guys, he sure the fuck will be coming through us first.”
I was in love with Chad Blake. If I didn’t know before for certain I definitely did now.
Noah, clearly uncomfortable with the act of support nods and excuses himself from the room. He needed to process it all and he was doing it alone.
Shame and Cal having been here enough knew where to go put their bags and then made themselves comfortable on the couch. Within five minutes of coming in they were now watching Sports Center and drinking beer. Noah came back down and joined them, acting like what they were doing wasn’t fucking awesome.
“You’re with me Blake.” I said and tugged him out to the boathouse.
Chapter Thirteen
Carrie
I couldn’t get on him fast enough the minute the door closed I took his face in my hands and brought our mouths together. I heard the bag drop and then his arms were around me. I hadn’t been out to pull the Hide-A-Bed out and so it was the couch or the floor, not that it mattered to me.
Not taking my obvious clue though Chad pulled me back by my shoulders and looked at me until I met his eyes. “Stop baby.” He said and it sounded pained.
“No.” I said softly and kissed him again softer this time.
“We need to talk baby.” He says and he still sounds like he hates himself for making me stop.
I sigh and look at him. He has no idea that I had my epiphany tonight with the help of my brother’s wisdom and I wanted to show him how to touch me, love me. I did not want to tell him. “Let me say one thing Chad.”
He nods and I push him back till he is sitting on the couch. I climb over him and we are in the same position the night in the car. My skin flushes at the memory and the core of me melts a little knowing how close we are to touching. “Baby, this is not the best way to talk.” He says and I giggle when he grinds himself against me before he curses and stops my hips from moving in unison.
“Yes, it is.” I whisper and let my fingers run through his hair. He is so fucking beautiful my man. His green eyes are shadowed and lined by the blackest lashes, his strong jaw, and kissable lips. I never want to stop touching him. “I talked to Noah about our little tryst earlier.”
I see the aggravated look on his face instantly and I drop a small soft kiss to his lips. He doesn’t avoid me, his lips kissing me back. “Why?” He groans.
“Because I trust him with everything.”
“When you gonna trust me baby?” He asks and he seems hurt and lost not sure what to do with his crazy emotional girlfriend.
“That’s the thing Chad. I do trust you. Outside of Noah and Candy you are the only other person I trust. I trust you to touch me in ways I want to be touched.” I kiss him then incredibly soft on the lips. “To kiss me and hold me. Those are things I have never ever had in my life so please understand why it’s so damn huge that I trust you.”
Understanding shows on his face and he pulls me close burying his face in my neck, peppering the sensitive skin with kisses that make it hard to focus. “I love you so much Carrie girl.”
I pull back and cup his cheek in my palm and kiss the side of his mouth. “I love you too.”
He gasps at my declaration and I can see the relief, the pleasure that those words brought him.
He gifts me with his panty dropping smile and though my panties dropping is all I want I know I have to tell him about my past. “My father had been abusing me sexually farther back then my memories go. Noah invented a game called Trust me in order to keep me from crawling in the darkest place of my mind and staying there. The game made no sense and over the years he had reinvented rules and shit to the point I don’t even know if it’s a real game at all. All it is now is a saying that cuts the shit between us. He has access to my thoughts, and I his, when we drop those words. The point was to tell each other are darkest secrets, from the darkest place inside of us. Noah knew what our dad was doing to me because he was hurting Noah too.”
Chad curses in disgust and I see he misunderstood my meaning. “No baby not like that. He would beat Noah and when I say beat, I use that word loosely. There were times that Noah almost died. He knew that Noah would sneak me out of the house, and we would take Trust me walks where Noah would make me talk. He knew every time we played that our
dad was going to hurt him, but he still did it. As I got older, I learned that the nights Noah made me play and snuck me out were the nights our dad was drunk. Drunken sex with my father was disgusting and he was mean, and he hurt me when he drank. Those nights and they were often, Noah would sneak me out and we would stay out all night hiding. We never went home till it was light out and he was gone for work. When he came home the following night though he would beat Noah bloody.”
“Fuck baby, you don’t need to tell me this okay?” He is holding me close and I love that he is telling me to stop but I need him to understand.
“I do need to tell you. My father believed he was in love with me and I know as does anyone in my shoes, that he was and is sick. The things he said to me, the way he would ask me to play along… I think I know why I freaked out earlier.”
“Why? And know that if I ever do anything, touch you in a way that scares you just tell me, and I will stop no questions asked.”
“I know that baby.” I curl into his chest because I can’t see him or his face while I talk about this. “When you held me against the wall, or the dirty things you say…I like it not because I think I deserve it or that type of thing. I don’t know why I like it, but I feel safe when you hold me down, or say things that are filthy and make my toes curl. I like the way you make me feel because it’s new and nothing like him.”
I pull back to see him and he is processing what I am saying. “So, you like my kinky ways?” He is so perfect then. He isn’t making this a big deal and he gets it all the same.
“I love your kinky ways.” I nod in agreement.
“Thank God!” He says and spins us until I am on my back on the floor with him above me. His hands slide slowly over my arms until my fingers are locked with his. His eyes are on my face and he is so perfect I could cry. He slowly raises my arms above my head, using one hand he locks my wrists in his grip and slides his free hand down my face, over my neck and down to my hip. “So, this is ok?” He asks his head dropping and kissing along my collar bone.