Malcolm had already determined he’d never punish Seth, or even use that terminology. Not after Seth’s whole existence had been nothing but one long, terrible punishment. When he’d discussed the Daddy/boy dynamic with Seth for the first time, he’d made it clear he would only reward him. Seth wasn’t that type of boy and Malcolm didn’t expect he ever would be.
Spanking, however, was another matter. The accidental discovery during love play that Seth found it exciting had inspired Malcolm to also add it to their morning routine. The harsh touch would be a daily reminder that Daddy was there to guide him. The small sting it would provide would remain with Seth all day, would allow Seth to feel his touch and have Daddy with him—even when Malcolm wasn’t with him.
Malcolm checked the wall clock and determined there had been enough time for Seth to strip and be waiting for him on the bed. While passing the thermostat on the way to the guest room, he raised the temperature a few degrees.
“Excellent. Your shoulders are nice and straight.”
Teaching Seth better posture had been a challenge. After so many years of hunching in on himself, of trying to make himself invisible, it’d become a terrible habit.
“Oh, good. Sometimes I can’t tell.”
Malcolm cupped Seth’s cheek. “I know. It’s difficult when our bodies are used to being in a certain position for so many years. But right now, you look like a confident boy who won’t find himself dealing with posture-related issues later in life.”
Seth leaned into Malcolm’s touch as he peered up at him. “I want to be the best I can for you.”
“Sweetheart…” Malcolm whispered, rubbing his thumb over Seth’s skin. “Be the best you can be for yourself. That’s what every Daddy wants for his boy. It’s why I give you all my love and attention.”
“But you have all my love and attention too, Daddy. When you say you’re proud of me or that I’m a good boy, I…I’ve never felt such happiness as that, such satisfaction.” Seth regarded him intently. “Before you, I was a disappointment to everyone. Useless. A waste. With you, I’m special. Worthwhile. I need to be the best boy for you.”
Malcolm leaned down to capture Seth’s mouth in a soft kiss. He framed Seth’s face with his palms and held him still as he dipped his tongue in over and over, poured every ounce of care and affection as he could into the exchange.
At last he straightened, petting Seth’s head as he gazed down at him, drinking in Seth’s green eyes and how openly he’d given Malcolm his trust.
“I’m honored to have you as my boy. Don’t ever forget that.”
“Daddy?”
Seth’s leg jiggled and he rubbed his hands on the tops of his thighs. The actions weren’t as pronounced as when they’d first met, but enough that Malcolm knew something was plaguing him.
“Tell me, baby boy. What’s bothering you?”
Malcolm lowered himself onto the end of the bed next to Seth so he could wrap an arm around his waist. Never had he met a man so thirsty for contact, who ached for the reassurance and comfort it provided.
“Um, you know how we discussed that me calling you Daddy all the time wouldn’t work when we go places in public? How we’d have to use our regular names instead?” He let out a small snort. “Which I understand, of course. I mean, I can’t very well say ‘Daddy, can I have dessert?’ when we’re at a restaurant.” He ducked his head with a grin then laid his head on Malcolm’s shoulder. “But I wish I could.”
Malcolm pondered whether Seth was merely expressing a thought, or if his declaration had more meaning behind it.
“Did you only want me to know that, or is there another reason you brought it up?”
Seth kept his head on Malcolm’s shoulder but reached for his hand. He laced their fingers together. “Sometimes I wonder if any of this is real. That maybe I’ll wake up one morning and either I’m back in the camp or…” Seth squeezed their joined hands, the tension clear in how hard he gripped their fingers. “Or you tell me you don’t want me here anymore.”
Malcolm swallowed past the emotion clogging his throat then gathered Seth onto his lap. But instead of hugging him close, he positioned him so he could look into his eyes. At first, Seth resisted, as if he was afraid that Malcolm would be angry with him. But Malcolm held his chin in place.
“Seth. Baby.” Malcolm gave Seth’s chin a small tug. “Look at me boy, right now.”
Seth’s eyes snapped up and he locked gazes with Malcolm. “I’m sorry, Daddy. But don’t you see? This, this is what worries me. That even if I correct my posture, eat my oats and listen to your advice and give you all my love and obedience—that you’ll still get tired of me someday.” Seth lowered his eyes. “I know I’m a lot of trouble. I know I’m broken. You shouldn’t have to put up with all my problems. It’s not fair to you.”
Malcolm’s stomach twisted. This wasn’t the first time Seth had expressed his fear of rejection. He’d been doing so well recently that it had tricked Malcolm into thinking they could put off sending Seth to a therapist until he’d decided he was ready. However, Seth’s insecurity was too ingrained. The relief of feeling safe and falling in love wouldn’t magically fix the damage already done.
Malcolm rose then tugged a startled Seth to his feet. “Come on. This is an important discussion and I don’t want to have it in this room.”
Seth’s eyes rounded. “It’s okay. We don’t need to talk about anything, it’s fine.” He winced. “I shouldn’t have said anything, just forget it.”
“Yes, you should’ve and I’m glad you did. However, this room is for discipline and other aspects of our Daddy and boy dynamic. Not for conversations regarding you and me as a couple.”
“Am I in trouble? You don’t want to spank me?”
Malcolm held in his frustration. It wasn’t a result of Seth’s behavior, but was definitely a result of how enraged he was at Seth’s father and the hateful church he’d been raised in. What they’d done to him was unforgivable in Malcolm’s eyes.
“You’re not in trouble, baby. Not now. Not ever.”
Seth tilted his head. “How can you know that?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you Seth, not a damn thing. Areas to work on, yes, but not wrong, not bad.”
Malcolm turned, leading the way from the guestroom, grasping Seth’s hand tightly. Once they’d stepped inside the bedroom, Malcolm released him, directing Seth to climb back into bed. He turned on the nightstand lamps but kept them dim. Malcolm then dropped his robe and got under the covers with his precious, naked boy.
He allowed their skin to touch, caressing Seth’s back and placing lazy kisses on his neck, brushing his lips over Seth’s shoulder then beginning again. Once the tension had left Seth’s body and they were warm and cozy, Malcolm encouraged Seth to look into his eyes. He placed a knuckle under Seth’s chin, waiting until Seth followed the unspoken command.
“That’s better.” Malcolm laid his hand on Seth’s hip, leaving it there, grounding them together. “I want to share something with you about Everett.”
He didn’t miss the concern in Seth’s expression. While he was certain Seth must be worried if he measured up to Everett in Malcolm’s eyes, he’d never expressed jealousy or brought up that subject.
“Okay.” Seth swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down.
“Everett was an insufferable brat.”
Seth’s lips parted and he blinked several times before responding. “That’s not a very nice thing to say.”
Malcolm choke-snorted. “I assure you, it’s not a bad thing either. One of the first things Everett warned me about when we got together was his nature. But he loved being that way, needed to grab my attention however he could, to keep my eyes on him all the time. Whenever he felt I was too preoccupied with something else, he’d make sure to shake things up.” Malcolm chuckled. “And damn, was he ever the master shaker-upper.”
“I’m confused. Whenever you talk about him, it’s always how much you loved him, how you wishe
d you could’ve married him, and you never thought you could have such a wonderful relationship again.” Seth regarded Malcolm as if he were crazy. “You put up with all that for ten years?”
Malcolm ran his fingers through Seth’s hair. “I didn’t ‘put up’ with anything. I reveled in his brattiness, in him. Did I punish him? Get aggravated with him? Fight with him? Absolutely. But we were amazing together, head over heels.”
Seth’s forehead creased and he chewed his lip. “But why would you want someone who was like that? I’m not saying Everett wasn’t a wonderful man, I just don’t get it.”
“Because sweetheart, Everett needed me. And it wasn’t that he needed me to fix him or anything like that, it was that he couldn’t deal with the responsibility of running a large business. He wasn’t made for it, yet it had fallen into his lap. He also needed a man whose entire universe revolved around him. Everett was who he was without apology, and I went all in both with him and with us as a couple.”
Seth’s frown deepened, but he reached for Malcolm’s hand and twined their fingers together. “So, you’re saying it’s all right if I’m a problem?”
“No, my precious boy. I’m saying you’re not a problem to begin with. Everything about you triggers my inherent need to nurture and care for someone. The fact that you look to me first is what draws me to you, makes me want to keep you forever and ever, to never risk losing you for any reason.” Malcolm brought Seth’s fingers to his lips and kissed each knuckle. “And I give you my word that I’ll never hold you back, that I won’t keep you from living your best life.”
Seth’s eyes shone. “Thank you, Daddy.”
Malcolm pressed his lips together. “Then I have to ask you again. Will you go see a therapist? One who specializes in post-traumatic stress, like we discussed?”
Seth sniffed as a lone tear trailed out of the corner of his eye. “I’m scared.”
“Tell me what scares you, baby.”
“What if he can’t help me or I end up worse than I already am?” Seth clutched Malcolm’s arm. “I’m trying to improve, and I feel like I already am. You’re my Daddy, something I didn’t realize I could have or that I’d want so much once I did. And I’ve never been so happy, ever.” Another tear fell, following the same path as the first. “I don’t want to risk losing what I’ve only just gained by going to some stranger who doesn’t understand me the way you do.”
Malcolm draped one leg over both of Seth’s then tugged their bodies closer. He continued to soothe him with caresses, to keep them connected.
“Daddy’s here, baby. No matter what, I’m here for you. But I’m not skilled in how to ease the symptoms of PTSD. Perhaps many of the things I do for you inadvertently help with that, but my actions aren’t coming from a place of knowledge in that area. I’ve worked for years at being a Daddy, at taking care of my boy. My natural instincts are to protect my precious boy at all other costs. Which is why when you were conflicted regarding your faith, and didn’t know what to do, I found someone who had the proper skills to address religious concerns.”
Malcolm tucked some errant strands of Seth’s hair behind his ear. “In that instance, finding Pastor Callum was how I fulfilled my role as your Daddy. I’d like to do the same thing with a therapist.” He leaned in to place a soft kiss on Seth’s lips. “Let me do this for you. If the first person you see doesn’t work out, we find someone else. We’ll make sure to find a therapist you feel comfortable with. Will you give it a try?”
Seth stared into Malcolm’s eyes for a long time, as if searching for an answer to all his fears. At last, he spoke.
“Okay, Daddy. I will.”
Seth initiated a kiss, one of the few times he had, and it made Malcolm’s heart skip a beat. The more that Seth embraced his desire and affection as a gay man, the more at peace Malcolm knew he would be.
“Daddy?” Seth petted Malcolm’s morning stubble.
“Yes, baby?”
“Can I have my spanking now?”
Malcolm grinned. “With pleasure.”
Chapter Two
Seth checked the oven timer to verify how much longer the turkey had left to cook. The pumpkin and pecan pies had been made the night before—as well as the deviled eggs—with both him and Daddy sharing the duties. He snickered to himself as he recalled Daddy’s expression when he’d told him his father had never allowed the family to have deviled eggs, due to the name. After verifying Seth wasn’t joking, he’d asked him if it was a dish he’d be interested in trying. Seth had responded that if his father didn’t like it, then it was all the reason he needed to give it a go.
“How’s that bird doing?” Daddy breezed past the tiled counter where Seth stood stuffing celery sticks with a gourmet cheese Daddy sold at the winery. He opened the refrigerator and pulled out the bottle of Pinot Noir he’d been chilling for dinner. “It smells amazing, so I’m guessing we’re getting close.”
“I’d say about thirty minutes. But I’ll make sure it’s at the right temperature before I take it out.”
Daddy stilled, holding the corkscrew in one hand and the wine in the other as he considered Seth. He set down the bottle and opener, then stepped toward him. He leaned against the counter with one hip.
“I know you will.” Daddy pried the knife from Seth’s hand then brought one of Seth’s fingers to his lips. He flicked out his tongue and licked up a bit of cheese that had clung to Seth’s skin. “I trust you. Have faith that you’re capable when you say you are. It’s not necessary to reassure me.”
Daddy sucked Seth’s whole finger into his mouth then swirled his tongue around the tip before letting go. For a moment, Seth forgot what they’d been talking about.
Oh yeah. The turkey.
“All right, Daddy. I’m trying real hard not to worry so much and be more confident. I remember what you told me.”
Daddy gave him a quick peck on the end of his nose. “I realize that, too. Everything’s fine the way it is, baby. And as the days go by, you’ll keep heading in the direction you want.” He snatched up a celery stick already stuffed with cheese then bit off a large chunk, crunching away. Daddy pointed to the wine and through a mouthful of food said, “Want some?”
Seth grinned. “Sure. But not much. I’ve been waiting all day for dinner, and you know how I am if I have more than one glass.”
“Do I ever.” Daddy rolled his eyes. “I want you to be awake for dessert. Pecan pie is my specialty.”
“I know, Daddy.” Seth laughed lightly. “You haven’t stopped teasing me about it all week.”
The one and only night he’d shared a drink with Daddy had been a lesson in how much of a lightweight he really was. After two glasses, he’d passed out and not woken up until much later than his usual time the next morning. He’d held off on having any more alcohol since then.
Daddy had yanked the cork out of the bottle and poured only a splash of the Pinot before offering it to Seth. He accepted it but wasn’t sure if he should set it on the counter and wait for a while before drinking any of the white wine. Daddy had made them wait for an hour with the red one. He’d even poured it into a fancy crystal decanter. Seth watched in surprise as he took a big swallow.
“I thought it had to breathe?”
“Not with this particular one. As a matter of fact, the longer it sits out, the more likely the true flavor will be damaged. Which reminds me…” Daddy retrieved the cork from the screw then stuffed it back into the bottle. “Not the most elegant way to protect it, but practical.” He raised his glass then took a less generous drink than before. “Even a decanter can aerate the Pinot for too long.”
“Wow. It’s so interesting to hear you talk about the different varieties and the grapes and soil and everything.”
Daddy chuckled. “It’s a habit whenever wine is brought up in conversation. I’m always afraid I’m either coming off as too pompous or boring the shit out of everyone.”
Seth smiled. Daddy had relaxed around him and wasn’t being as cautious with
the type of language he used anymore. Not that Seth wanted him to curse up a storm, and he truthfully didn’t either, yet it was another way of separating himself from his old life. He didn’t need to use bad words, but he didn’t expect everyone else to have to edit their behavior on his account. Seth wanted to be a part of his new world—not standing off to the side as if he didn’t belong.
“I’m sure you don’t bore anyone, and you should talk about what you know. I’ve learned a lot from you.”
Daddy’s lips quirked and Seth flushed. Clearly, both of their thoughts had gone right to the more intimate activities he’d learned from Daddy. Seth ducked his head and returned to his celery-stuffing task.
“How is this working out for you?” His feisty Daddy fondled Seth through his sweatpants, playing with the new cock cage he’d put on Seth that morning after his spanking.
“It’s kinda heavy.” Seth arranged the finished celery sticks onto a small crystal dish. “I’m not sure I like it as much as the silicon one. The metal feels so…different.”
“I’m guessing because you’d become accustomed to the other one, didn’t even notice it was there most of the time. Correct?” The mischievous tone in Daddy’s voice caught Seth’s attention.
“Well, yeah. But I thought that was a good thing.”
Daddy gave a one-shouldered shrug then plucked the celery dish off the counter. “Maybe. Maybe not.” He jerked his chin toward their wine glasses. “Grab those for me, please. Let’s sit down and relax before Mr. Turkey is done and it’s time to get all the last-minute fixings together.”
They’d already had a couple of the deviled eggs with their breakfast, so Seth wasn’t sure if maybe Daddy might want more to go with the celery. He wasn’t very up on deviled egg etiquette.
For the Love of a Boy (Father Series Book 2) Page 2