The Autobiography of FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper

by Mark Frost

  October 7, 7 P.M.

  Marie was found unconscious in the meeting hall today and taken to the hospital. When she was taken away in the ambulance I saw her face. Her eyes were rolling around, and I believe she had thrown up. The headmaster called the school together and said that he believed she had taken some drugs and had overdosed. He asked anyone who had any information about the incident to please come and talk to him. Her parents say that she is in stable condition but she must stay m the hospital for several days for observation.

  October 10, 9 P.M.

  Visited Marie in the hospital today by telling the nurse that I was her brother. When I got into her room Marie seemed very alert, happy, and had her wrists strapped to the bed. She asked me about the school play, how I like math, what my favorite TV show was, and if I still wanted to be an FBI agent. She then told me that she had tried to kill herself by taking too many pills and that if I would help her escape she would let me touch her anywhere I wanted, and that she would suck my dick. The scout law is very clear on matters of this kind. "A scout is helpful. A scout is concerned about other people. He willingly volunteers to help others without expecting payment or reward." I would have clearly violated this law if I were to accept any of Marie's offer. I said I was sorry but that I could not accept. She started banging her head against the bed's railing and screaming, "I want my drugs!" I tried to stop her and she bit my arm. A nurse then came in and asked me to leave. This is not the same Marie that I tied up earlier in the year.

  November 2, 9:30 P.M.

  Received a letter from Marie today from the clinic she is locked in. It goes as follows:

  Dear Dale,

  Sorry about the way I behaved when you came to visit me in the hospital. I had had a bad day. Am doing much better now and only want drugs once or twice a day instead of all the time. Made friends with a man who is a poet, and teaches at a university. He says the world is a sweet-smelling pile of dung and we're all stuck in it. I think that is very beautiful. He jumped off a bridge last year and broke his legs in eleven places. Hope you are well. I'm feeling better since I shaved my head. Say hi to everyone at school.

  Marie

  Believe Marie has a way to go yet.

  November 6, 1 A.M.

  Nixon has been elected president. Not sure what that means.

  November 28, 6 P.M.

  Thanksgiving. Dad invited an American Indian he met on a bus to dinner. Man's name was Michael Bishop Tree. Never said a word through dinner, although chuckled a number of times at something. Left with his coat pockets full of pie as soon as we finished.

  December 18, 7 A.M.

  Had asthma very bad last night. Mom was up most of the night with me, and now I feel very weak. Will not go to school today. Had a dream in the middle of the night that frightened me a great deal. A man who I have never seen was trying to break into my room. He kept calling my name and said that he wanted me. He then screamed, and after a moment it turned into a kind of roar as if he were some kind of animal. I told Mom about it and she said that she knew about "him," and that she has the same dream, and that I must never let the man into my room. I don't understand what it means. My chest hurts a great deal. I think I will go to sleep now. I am very tired.

  * * *

  No tapes exist for the next month.

  * * *

  January 20, 1969, 8 P.M.

  Have been sick for some time and did not feel like talking much. An infection spread through my lungs and I felt very weak for a long time. Had the dream of the Man several more times, but did not let him in the door.

  Marie came and visited me yesterday, wearing a cheerleader uniform. I believe she is feeling better. She says she is recovering and will be for the rest of her life. She looked very good and win look even better when all her hair grows back. She then kissed me on the cheek and told me that the poet had hung himself and that Jesus was now her personal savior and that she would help me see the fight if I would let her. She then did a cheer which she said would make me feel better.

  Believe there are certain elements of the "old" Marie that I like better than the "new" one. Though she does look very good in her cheerleader uniform. I have been thinking almost constantly about it since the moment she left. I would like very much to remove her knee socks. Am not sure whether this is a result of my illness or not. But I am sure that her legs are the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life.

  February 10, 3 P.M.

  Am standing on the corner of Chelton and Greene. It is raining lightly. On the street several feet from the gutter is the body of a man. A police tape circles the body in a wide arc. He is white, dark hair, about six feet tall, wearing a green jacket, tan pants, and brown shoes. He is lying facedown. Blood is gathered around his neck and in a small pool by his feet. I have never seen anything like this in my entire life, and I feel like I may get sick.

  A witness said the man was stabbed a block away and ran this way screaming "no." Someone else said he was stabbed in the neck. I have watched the detectives very closely. They knelt next to the body and carefully inspected the man's pockets without moving him. They removed a wallet, a small address book, some money in a paper clip, and keys on a rabbit's foot. I am trying to think the way Holmes would think but I mostly want to throw up. They are now about to roll the body over. . . .

  February 10, 8 P.M.

  Have just finished cleaning my microphone. When they rolled the body over I recognized the man as one of the card players at the club I went to with Uncle Al. I then got sick. After several minutes I informed the police about the card game and the man with no ear. They thanked me and told me to go home, change my shirt, and lock every door and window, which I have done. Believe I will let the police wrap up the rest of the case, and I will finish my math assignment.

  February 14, 4 P.M.

  Received a valentine today. A large drawing of Marie in her cheerleading uniform holding baby Jesus. Wasn't sure what to think.

  February 28, 7 A.M.

  Have noticed that with great frequency I am waking up with an erection. Understand this to be part of the dream process in all mammals. Find it interesting that there is a part of the body that I seem to have no control over, which can be embarrassing when it happens at school. I have discovered, though, that by thinking very intently about Disneyland, I can suppress an erection with some success. Am not sure why this works. I seem to remember the submarine ride to be very stimulating in a number of ways.

  March 11, 4 P.M.

  A new girl arrived at school today. She has long blond hair, and has just moved from somewhere in the Midwest, where there are lots of cows and corn. I was seated next to her in the meeting at school today. When it was over she stood, looked at me, and said, "Hello, my name is Anne." She shook my hand, and I introduced myself as Ale when I stumbled on my tongue. She has blue eyes and long, perfect fingers except for a small scar on her little finger. I have not been able to think of anything else all day long but her, and have never met anyone like her, even Marie before she shaved her head.

  * * *

  Chapter 3

  "The first time Dale really fell in love, not counting tying my sister up, which really had more to do with merit badges than true love, was toward the end of ninth grade. We called her the Goddess of the Plains because she had just moved from Minnesota. Anne Sweeny looked like she breathed milk. Dale took one look at her and knew immediately that he had seen the girl he was going to spend the rest of his life with.

  "The problem was that so had everyone else in school, including Nancy Nordstrom, a tenth grader who wore a lot of peace buttons and was a goaltender on the field hockey team. She used to let people score because she felt stopping them was an act of aggression. Dale took it very hard. Started wearing a Nixon button."

  Bradley Schlurman

  Best friend

  Minister

  April 19, 5 P.M.

  Have turned fifteen . . . Why?. . . Does it matter? . . . Peace with honor . . . I hate
field hockey. . . The signs of a heart attack are . . . uncomfortable pressure, squeezing, fullness, or pain in the chest behind the breastbone. The feeling may spread to the shoulders, arms, neck, jaw, and back . . .

  May 12, 7 P.M.

  Mother's Day. Dad cooked dinner, bought Mom a blender and perfume. I gave her coasters for the coffee table. She told me that I have been acting strangely and that she was worried about me. Decided that she is right and that I must take action to feel better. Have come up with several plans:

  Plan A. Eat semipoisonous mushroom and write letter to Anne from deathbed. She then comes to my side. Her presence saves my life and she falls in love with me.

  Plan B. Blow up her house while she is at school and we take them in as an act of kindness.

  Plan C. Blow up Nancy Nordstrom's house while she is in it.

  Plan D. Forget Anne and devote myself to becoming a better scout and member of the community.

  Each plan has merit, and risk. Though all, I believe, will be very satisfying in the end.

  May 20, 9 P.M.

  Blew up Nancy's mailbox and feel much better. Believe I am now ready for the long climb to Eagle Scout and a responsible role in the community.

  June 10, 6 P.M.

  School has ended for the year. Anne is moving back to the Great Plains, where her father has bought a large feed store. Saw her in the bookstore where she was buying a Willa Cather book for Nancy. Do not believe I will ever see her again but will always remember the first time I saw her and the sound of the mailbox blowing up.

  June 30, 7 P.M.

  George, one of the pressmen down at Dad's shop, got his hand caught in one of the presses today. Took it off just below the wrist. The hand fell to the floor flattened out like a piece of paper with the printing of a real estate agency written on the palm. George started swearing and kicked the severed hand across the floor in anger. I immediately applied pressure to stop the arterial bleeding that was shooting out of his wrist like a drinking fountain. We then laid him down and covered him, as he began to go into shock. It took several minutes to locate the hand, which had slid under a counter. An argument then started as to who was going to pick it up. I settled it by picking it up myself and wrapping it in a towel. An ambulance arrived and took George and his hand to the hospital.

  All in all a very exciting day. Still find that my whole body feels as if I had been injected with electricity. Imagine this is the kind of feeling an FBI agent must have at the end of almost every day.

  July 16, 10:50 A.M.

  The flight of Apollo 11 has begun toward the moon. In another hour's time they will fire the third rocket, increasing their velocity to 24,245 mph, and will break away from the earth and start for the moon. All systems seem go at this time. I cannot imagine the feeling the men in that rocket must feel right now.

  July 16, 1 P.M.

  They are on their way. Marie came over and said that she expects they will meet God on the moon and he will tell them to go back where they belong. She looks very good, all her hair has grown back to where it used to be, and says she has not touched amphetamines for almost six months. It is interesting that Marie is the only girl I have ever seen naked and I can remember almost nothing of it. Our families are going to get together and watch the landing and moon walk. Bradley is going to bring over his bean bag chairs so we can simulate the lunar surface. I wonder if Marie still has any feelings for me other than religious ones.

  July 20, 3:08 P.M.

  Bradley has arrived with the bean bag chairs. The Eagle has wings, and is on its way toward the Sea of Tranquility. Marie is not coming over until the moon walk.

  July 20, 4:17 P.M.

  The Eagle has landed.

  July 20, 10:56 P.M.

  * * *

  The voice of Neil Armstrong.

  * * *

  "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."

  * * *

  It is not clear who the following voices belong to.

  * * *

  We're on the moon! We're on the moon! . . . Shut up, quiet, look, look . . . right there, right there . . . I don't see it . . . that's his foot. Are you sure? . . . He's the only one there. Of course it's his foot . . . Oh, there he is . . . look at that . . . look at that . . . shhh . . . shhh . . . God will not forgive us. . . .

  July 21, 2 A.M.

  Armstrong and Aldrin are back in the LM (lunar module). Dad still sits in front of the TV, eating peanuts. Mom has gone to bed. Bradley and his folks went home an hour ago. Am not sure how to describe what happened with Marie. Looked in the scout manual under outdoor adventures but could find nothing that resembled what took place. The following is as close as I can come to the events in the backyard.

  Shortly after Aldrin joined Armstrong on the surface, Marie picked up one of the bean bag chairs and motioned me to go out into the backyard with her. When I arrived, she was out behind the lilacs lying down on the bean bag chair, staring up at the moon. She said I should lie down next to her, which I did. For several moments we looked at the moon and said nothing. Then Marie said it.

  "Dale, do you ever think about me . . . you know?"

  I swallowed, and carefully tried to examine the way the question was phrased. It was the "you know" part of the question that I was most unsure about. I answered, "I think so."

  Marie thought a moment, then replied, "I think about you."

  I nodded, and said, "Good."

  Marie smiled. "I didn't understand it until I saw men walking on the moon, but I believe God has a plan for everyone, and we are part of it. Do you understand, Dale?"

  I said that I thought I did.

  "Are you sure, Dale?"

  I said I was.

  "So am I," said Marie. She then picked up my hand in hers and hit the nail on the head.

  "Pray with me, Dale."

  There are moments in a person's life that you dream about and hope for. This turned out not to be one of those moments. For two hours we lay there together holding hands. Marie's eyes closed in prayer. Mine opened in bewilderment. The astronauts got back into their spaceship. The moon passed behind some clouds. Marie thanked me for sharing this time with God and took the bean bag chair home. Tomorrow I leave for the scout jamboree, where I will try to forget.

  July 21, 1 P.M.

  Believe the moon landing had a profound effect on my father. As I left for the jamboree this morning, he handed me a new compass and then told me to bring the ship home safely.

  July 21, 5 P.M.

  Have arrived at the jamboree. Camp is made, the beans are on the fire. Believe there is a troop from Pittsburgh that is made up of Nazis. They are all very tall and very clean. Have thought about the events of last night several times. Should have tried to kiss Marie when she had her eyes closed and was praying. Wonder if I'm condemned to forever be a virgin. This situation must take full priority right behind achieving Eagle status.

  July 23, 11 P.M.

  The Nazis attacked our camp shortly after sunset. Our flag is gone. We are bruised and battered. One member of our troop is in the hospital, two have called their parents. I suffered a chipped tooth and numerous bruises. Find my thoughts turn to Marie stretched out in the bean bag chair, the moon reflecting off her white tennis shoes. The astronauts collecting rocks overhead. The Nazis will pay.

  July 25, 3 P.M.

  Killed an animal today. A crow. One clean shot as it circled overhead, searching for a road kill. Have never killed a living thing before, not counting insects. When it was hit it began to tumble as if it had been tripped. Then the tumbling stopped and it fell straight down like a wet shirt. The feeling at first was much the same as when I stopped the bleeding on the severed hand at the print shop. I ran to where it fell into the tall grass and picked it up. And then the feeling was gone. I do not know why I shot the bird. At the moment I squeezed the trigger it seemed that the only two things in the world were the crow and myself. And now there is just me.

  July 30, 8 A.M.

&
nbsp; Have decided to forgo the bus ride home and will be traveling overland by myself. Am calling this my first Great Adventure. Expect that by the time I arrive home I will have experienced events that I see as vital to a complete education.

  Last note on the jamboree. The Nazis suffered a mysterious case of food poisoning. Much vomiting and retching could be heard all last night. Never slept better.