“I don’t want to only explore my fantasies,” said Matt. “What about yours?”
“I’ve had chances to do more exploring. That being said, since you liked the whipped cream, how do you feel about edible body paint?” The sensual feeling of brushstrokes on his body was a nice slow burn, and of course he’d be happy to lick anything off Matt’s skin.
“It has potential.”
Collin wondered if he could get his boyfriend into a sex toy store, or if Matt would die of embarrassment. Worth a suggestion, he decided. “We could go to an adult store.”
Matt wasted no time countering, “Or we could look online.”
He wasn’t about to push the issue. Maybe down the road he’d mention it again, but if Matt preferred privacy, it was his prerogative. “Sure. I bet you’d look good in a thong, too.”
“They make thongs for men?”
“You haven’t watched nearly enough porn. Or been to see strippers, for that matter.”
Matt chuckled. “I’m open to possibilities.”
Now that sounded like a hell of a good time. See a strip show, get all revved up, then come back and make like rabbits. Oh yeah, they definitely needed to do that. “Where’s my phone? I need to look up shows.”
At the mention of phones, Matt sat up. “I should see who called me.”
“Probably some damn telemarketer.” That Do Not Call list was about as useful as a watering can during a forest fire.
“No, it was Levi’s ringtone. He texted, let me see.”
Collin was about to make a joke about the walls being thin enough that he heard them, when Matt turned pale and snatched up his pants.
“What?” he asked.
“He’s going to the hospital. A bicycle knocked him over and he might have a broken wrist.”
“Damn bicyclists are menaces.” They were speed demons on the sidewalk and sloths in the street. Collin had heard that responsible cyclists existed, but he’d yet to encounter one of these elusive creatures.
“Levi was going to the hospital while I was having sex.” Matt spat out the words with a generous dose of self-reproach. “I have to go.”
Uh-oh. Collin had told him to ignore the call, then distracted him very effectively. Not that leaving ten minutes after the original call made that much difference, in the scheme of things. As Levi himself had said, he was sixteen, not six. Still, ignoring the phone hadn’t been quite as harmless as he’d presumed. Oops.
He sat up. “Do you want me to come with?”
“No. Got to run.”
“Let me know how he is!” he called as Matt raced out the door. Then he flopped back on his bed and tried to ignore the gut feeling telling him that shit was about to hit the fan.
Chapter Nineteen
Matt ignored his Lyft driver’s attempts at idle conversation. Between beating himself up for letting Levi down and worrying over his cousin’s accident, he didn’t have any mental energy left to make small talk.
The first and only time Matt had been caught masturbating, his father sat him down for a discussion on why it was so sinful. Being a fourteen-year-old boy, Matt was concerned with nothing besides the fact that masturbating felt good, and he’d informed his father it was perfectly harmless. Of course his father had disagreed, and words from that discussion years ago rang in Matt’s mind: “Temptations of the flesh only seem innocuous. The reality is, what starts small becomes bigger and bigger, until you’re neglecting your God-given responsibilities in order to chase momentary pleasure. You must never give Satan a foothold, Matt.”
He hadn’t really understood at the time, but he was terrified of giving Satan anything with which to work and of going to Hell, so he’d stopped masturbating for a while. Some weeks later he gave in again, though he was much more careful. From then until he left home, he always promised himself this would be the last time he masturbated, only to repeat in a couple of weeks despite the guilt he inevitably felt afterward. Never again had his parents found him out, though.
He knew his family’s worldview was problematic in many ways, but they weren’t wrong about everything. In some ways, it would have been easier if they were, if he didn’t have to tease out the bits of real wisdom buried in the repressive mindset, but Matt needed to find some redeeming truths to make the first two decades of his life worthwhile. Besides, he didn’t want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.
Among other traits, the Aldridge clan placed great value on personal responsibility, and Matt found this useful long after he left home. He felt the world would be a better place if more people stepped up in the area of responsibility, and was therefore acutely aware of the commitment he made to Levi.
He’d really dropped the ball here.
He had agreed to take Levi in and be his guardian, and in light of that, ignoring the phone call because he was busy having sex had been a terrible lapse of judgment. What was the point of assigning Levi a distinct ringtone if he didn’t pay it any heed? He therefore rushed into the ER in a haze of self-reproach.
He found Levi sitting in the ER, face taut with pain. The first words out of Matt’s mouth were, “I’m sorry.”
“You’re not the one who rode a bike into me,” said Levi.
“I should’ve picked up when you called.” By which he meant, he shouldn’t have gotten so caught up in sexual pleasure that he ignored the call.
“You already sent three apology texts, and I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at the jerk who knocked me over. I was minding my own business, looking at the map on my phone, and then the next thing I knew, I was landing on my hand.” He held up his left wrist. “It hurts. A lot. My phone didn’t break, at least. It was in the other hand.”
“I’m not worried about the phone. Did you call the police?” Matt wasn’t sure the protocol for an accident like this, but a police report couldn’t hurt.
“Someone else did, and the police were only a couple of blocks away. An officer dropped me off here about two minutes ago, and he just went to help someone outside. Now that you’re here, I could use assistance of my own.” With his uninjured wrist, Levi handed over a clipboard. “Of course I had to land on my dominant hand, so I can’t write.”
Matt hadn’t realized there were so many forms to be filled out at the ER, though in retrospect, he should have. He started in with name and address.
Levi didn’t seem upset about the missed call. It was typical in their family to underplay one’s hurt feelings, as it was expected that an apology wiped the slate clean. Forgive your brother seventy times seven sins, and all. This only brought on another set of problems, such as the fact that a mere apology then transferred the blame for any tension to the wronged party, even if the offender hadn’t done anything beyond utter the magic words: I’m sorry.
When you grew up with that, it was easy to tell if someone had really forgiven you or not, and Levi truly seemed unbothered about the missed call. He had plenty of anger for the bicyclist who ran into him, understandably.
“Did you know it’s illegal to ride a bike on the sidewalk in Philadelphia, unless you’re 12 or younger?” Levi asked.
“No.” You’d never know it from the number of people who broke that law every hour. Matt didn’t care about the bicyclists who meandered along the sidewalk slowly, but the speeders were dangerous, as one had just demonstrated. Now Levi had to pay the price.
“It is. The guy who hit me wasn’t even supposed to be on the sidewalk.” He winced in pain. “I guess this is another downside to city living.”
Obnoxious bike riders were a problem, but not the one preoccupying Matt. What if, buried under the judgment and obsession with sexual purity, his family had a valid point about the risk of letting yourself get carried away by sex?
It was almost midnight when they got home. Levi’s left wrist was in a cast and they’d received instructions on how to care for it, plus a follow-up appointment. Matt was irate enough to hope the careless bicyclist got in a lot of trouble, in addition to all his anger at hi
mself.
He’d just put his key in the lock when Collin opened his own door and poked his head out. “Hey guys.”
“Did you wait up?” asked Levi.
“Yeah.”
That was sweet of him.
“I officially have a fractured distal radius.” Levi held up his cast. “Otherwise known as a broken wrist.”
“The ER doctor said it’s not bad, as broken wrists go,” said Matt. “It’s a simple, clean break.” No surgery was required, thank goodness, and Levi was young and healthy enough to expect a full recovery. He was looking at eight weeks, minimum, before he could use his dominant hand, not to mention the hassle of showering without getting the cast wet.
Levi added, “One out of every ten broken bones is a fractured distal radius.”
In the years since Matt left home, Levi had developed an interest in trivia, and putting his injury in context this way seemed to help him. Or maybe that was just the painkillers. Whatever worked.
“Let me know if you need help, okay?”
“Thanks, Collin. Right now I just want to sleep.” Levi punctuated this with a yawn.
Matt wanted to sleep, too, though he wasn’t entirely sure it would happen on account of everything running around in his mind. He had to be certain he did everything necessary to facilitate Levi’s recovery, and he wasn’t used to dealing with a human patient. On the plus side, Levi would be easier to reason with than the animals he handled at work. He didn’t have to worry about being bitten or scratched.
“You too, Matt,” said Collin.
“Thanks.”
Matt was a little annoyed with Collin for convincing him to ignore Levi’s call, but he was far more upset with himself. He was the one who accepted the responsibility of being Levi’s guardian, not Collin.
He made sandwiches for dinner, because it was too late for anything fancier. They weren’t the only hungry ones, either. Dex was visibly unhappy about the delay of his dinner, and Matt gave him a few blueberries in apology. Dex loved fruit but couldn’t have it daily, as it was only healthy for him in moderation, so he was mollified by the treat.
“It’s hard to wash just one hand,” said Levi. “Hopefully I get better with practice.”
“Showering is going to be a production.” A nurse had gone through wrapping the cast in plastic, and Matt hoped he could replicate the feat.
“It’s also going to take me a lot longer to do my schoolwork.”
“I can type some things if you dictate.” He wouldn’t provide any answers, of course, but it wasn’t cheating to help with the wrist work.
Levi ate his peanut butter and jelly sandwich one-handed, and it was weird to see him using his right hand. “I might just take you up on that. I have an essay on Julius Caesar due next week. Meanwhile, I think I’ll be asleep almost as soon as my head hits the pillow.”
He was. Matt stayed awake longer, wondering if he was doing the right thing. There was no doubt in his mind that he’d have to be better about answering Levi’s calls moving forward. The bigger question remained unanswered. Had his parents made a valid point about the dangers of getting caught up in sexual pleasure?
It certainly seemed his father had been correct. Matt had chosen to ignore Levi’s call because he prioritized sex. No, it hadn’t been an utter catastrophe. Levi got to the hospital and was old enough to look after himself reasonably well. What about the next time? What if Levi had been seriously injured, like in a car accident? Or he’d been somewhere without friendly strangers nearby to help?
In that case, blowing off his calls would be a disaster, and Matt needed to reevaluate his approach to pleasure. Again. He’d thought he finished this task, but apparently not. Everything was different now, and he had to start thinking about Levi first.
It wasn’t fair, but life rarely was, and Matt had come to terms with that fact a while ago. He’d spent too much time mired down in the injustice of how his family treated him, a quagmire he didn’t intend to repeat. For a long time after he was kicked out, the betrayal and unfairness he felt were emotional suffocation. If he got caught up in that again, he could never be what Levi needed, and he was determined, above all else, to do right by Levi.
“It’s especially easy for Satan to work through carnal desires,” his father had told him. “This is simply a fact of life, one for which we must constantly be on guard. Sex must never be a man’s first priority, or it will become his only concern.”
He thought back to when his phone rang. Putting himself in the moment, he remembered when he’d wanted to answer his phone in case Levi needed him for something important. Collin told him to ignore it, but it was the oral sex which really convinced Matt.
He fell asleep wondering why, of all things, his father had to be right about this one.
Chapter Twenty
Matt came over Saturday morning looking supremely unrested. Collin ushered him in and went to the cupboard. “Donut? I have TastyKakes.”
“No thanks,” said Matt, voice tense to match his body.
Cutting right to the point seemed like the best option, so Collin went with it. “Are you mad at me?” He had, after all, told Matt to ignore what turned out to be an important phone call, and while he stood by the idea that Matt was still entitled to a sex life, the timing hadn’t been ideal. He could see where a worrier like Matt would be upset.
“Not really,” said Matt.
If that answer was supposed to reassure, it failed miserably. “Not very convincing. What’s wrong?”
Matt fiddled with the hem of his shirt for a long moment before he finally shared. “I think my dad had a point about sex.”
Collin’s stomach went into a free fall. So far, he hadn’t heard a single statement originating from Matt’s dad with which he could even remotely agree, and he thought this boded very ill. At a rare loss for words, he only managed to croak out, “What?”
“That if a man makes physical pleasure his first priority, he’s going to end up ignoring his responsibilities.”
Feeling in quite a bit over his head, Collin decided he needed more information. “How do you mean?”
“I ignored Levi’s call because I was occupied with sex.”
He was well aware what the precipitating incident was. “You’re still allowed to have a life, including blowjobs.”
“Not if I can’t control myself.”
Shit. This was serious. “Matt, people like to fuck. Most of us give it high priority sometimes, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Anyway, Levi is sixteen, you don’t have to helicopter parent him.”
Obviously worked up into a fairly advanced state of mental self-flagellation, Matt shook his head and said, “What if it had been worse? What if it’s worse next time? This needs to be a wake-up call, or I’ll start neglecting everything else in my life.”
He made it sound as though he was on a slippery slope to throwing away his life in favor of an exclusive focus on drug-fueled orgies. Come to think of it, that might not be far from his actual perception. Uber-religious types made a habit of freaking out over perceived slippery slopes, from what Collin had seen.
It would be helpful to know precisely the problem as his boyfriend saw it. “What exactly are you afraid of, Matt?”
“Letting my sex drive control me,” said Matt. His eyes were darting all over the place again, too nervous to settle. “It’s not just about me anymore. I have to think of Levi’s needs.”
In that department, as everything else, he thought Matt was missing a key point. “Don’t you think Levi needs a good role model more than a flawless saint?”
“I can’t be what he needs if I’m making my decisions with my penis.”
As far as Collin could judge, Matt’s family could use to loosen up and make a few more decisions with their dicks, but that wouldn’t go over well so he kept the thought to himself.
“I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. Levi’s not starving because you’re spending all your money on booze at clubs looking fo
r hookups or anything remotely like that, and putting your dick first sometimes is a nearly universal human condition.”
“Exactly,” said Matt.
Collin had a feeling this wasn’t the kind of agreement he wanted.
“It’s a nearly universal condition that we have to strive to rise above.”
Fuck. This conversation was not going well. Collin took a deep breath so he didn’t blurt out something he’d regret. “I think this is your family’s screwed up ideas talking.”
“I just proved they were right.”
“No, you proved you’re human.”
“I have to be better.”
“Better than human?”
Wow, the Aldridges really did have sticks up their asses, didn’t they? Although, when you thought about it, that was an odd choice of phrase for people who thought any kind of ass play was a heinous sin. Whatever. The point was, this line of thinking was extremely unhealthy. Create an impossible standard and then berate yourself and everyone else for failing to live up to it. No wonder these people had issues.
Matt almost growled. “Better than the man who made a decision with the wrong head!”
It was the first time he heard Matt raise his voice, even if not by much, and Collin felt sure this signaled something bad.
“Dad told me Satan can use our carnal desires as a foothold, a way to get us to chase what we want instead of what we should be doing, and he was right.”
“This is the same person who thinks being gay is a sin, isn’t it? Who thinks the man gets to boss around his wife and kids, who’s granted himself the right to judge everyone else, and you’re taking his word for anything?” How could Matt possibly fail to miss how ridiculous this was?
Moreover, how had Collin let himself be blind to the possibility of Matt’s past coming back and fucking everything up? A supportive boyfriend couldn’t erase what Matt had gone through, and Collin damn well knew it. He’d thought Matt had worked out the worst of his issues, but that was now looking like wishful thinking.
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