by Roger Fisher
“No,” said Ambassador Harriman.
“Yes!” Roger said to his top boss, a man who was twice his age. “It is important.”
“No one ever tells me that I am doing a great job,” said Harriman.
Roger was dumbfounded. “I never thought of it as appropriate for me to be telling you what a terrific job you’re doing. Of course, you do come to the office late in the mornings. But by the time you come, you have already read all the overnight cables from Washington and from the missions and have figured out what to do. And you work late. Here we are still working at 8:30 P.m. ‘in the afternoon’ as you call it.”
Ambassador Harriman may have learned as a boy to make his bed and to do other chores without expecting any thanks. But that did not mean that he did not want the appreciation. Later, as an adult, he may not have given appreciation to others because he himself had little hope of receiving it.
Try the Role Reversal Exercise
Prepare to appreciate another person’s point of view by trying the Role Reversal Exercise. Work with a colleague who can help you enter the role of the person whom you would like to appreciate. You “become” that person. Your colleague can ask you questions to help you understand what the person on the other side of the table might be experiencing.
“What do you [in the role of the other party] most care about?”
“About what concerns are you particularly sensitive?”
“Of course money is important, but please explain: What other things do you care about? Respect? Acceptance? Being heard?”
In response to each question, you answer in the first person as though you really were the absent party. For example, “I feel upset when others ignore my opinions.” By using role reversal early on, your colleague can help you step into the shoes of someone whom you would like to appreciate.
Dan remembers how role reversal helped a mother cope with a difficult marital conflict. When her grown son called saying that he was moving back to town, “Ana” did not think twice before saying, “Why don’t you stay with us until you find a place?” At the time, she had no idea that her offer would bring up issues that would jeopardize her fifteen-year, second marriage. Barely able to contain her excitement, Ana told her husband, “Joe,” the good news. To her surprise, he was angry at her for inviting her son to move back in.
“Why can’t you be excited about this?” she asked her husband.
“I don’t want him here indefinitely,” he said. “They’ve left the nest. Now it’s time for us to be together.”
“He won’t be living in our house forever,” Ana said.
“Knowing him, he’ll make himself at home,” Joe said. “He’s in his late twenties now. He’s an adult . . .”
“But don’t you want our family around?” Ana asked. “Or is it that this is my child and not yours?”
“I don’t care whose kid it is! They’re just too old to be moving back here.”
Ana suddenly had an awful feeling that this was not the man she married, the good father with whom she had raised her children and his. She was furious and confused; she felt as though she had to choose between her husband and her son. She got up and left the room.
Tension escalated. Living together was almost intolerable. They began yelling at each other, something they had never done before. Ana turned to Dan for advice. After explaining the situation to him, they talked about a process for moving forward:
I said, “You and Joe sound like two ships passing in the night. Neither of you seems to really understand the other person’s point of view. And it’s leaving each of you feeling unappreciated.”
She nodded and asked, “So what can I do about it?”
I said, “You both have an interest in wanting this relationship to work out. You can start by trying to appreciate Joe’s perspective. Let’s try an exercise to help you do that.” I asked her to answer three questions from Joe’s point of view. Here are the questions, as well as what she discovered.
“In what ways might Joe feel that you do not understand him?” Ana recognized that she acted as though the son was hers alone. She accused Joe of not caring for the son because he was not related by blood (“Is it that this is my child and not yours?”). She had defended her own point of view and made little effort to understand his.
“In what ways might Joe’s point of view have merit?” Ana imagined what the situation might feel like from Joe’s perspective. She realized that having a child under their roof may have awakened Joe’s memories of round-the-clock responsibility for teaching the children how to do everything from riding a bicycle to reading a book. At this time in Joe’s life, he probably wanted to reduce “extra” responsibilities and enjoy time alone with his wife.
“Have you communicated your understanding to Joe?” Ana realized her failure to communicate what merit she saw in Joe’s perspective. She was afraid that by communicating merit, she would be conceding to his views. She never acknowledged any understanding of his fears and wishes.
Ana then tried to appreciate her own point of view. She came to understand that the pressures of her role as wife and mother pulled her in two different directions: to support her son and to care for her marriage. She found merit in her point of view. She was trying to satisfy emotionally both her son and her husband. She wanted Joe to communicate his understanding of her concerns and the merit in them.
Preparation gave Ana increased understanding of the conflict. Rather than criticizing her husband, she was now ready to listen and to learn. To change the tone of their negotiation, she prepared one simple question: “Help me understand. Where are you coming from on this?”
Once she asked the question, Ana listened to the answer without judgment. She learned that her husband was protective of their marital relationship. He had looked forward to the time when their house would be all theirs and the two of them could spend “endless” hours together. She also learned that having an adult child around would make him jealous for her time.
Because she listened to her husband and communicated her understanding until he felt heard, the tone of their interaction shifted. Joe felt that his wife loved him deeply and that she appreciated the need to set aside time for just the two of them. He learned that she felt a parental obligation to help her son, who recently had broken up with his girlfriend. And he discovered how much she missed playing the role of mother and watching him play the role of father to their children.
There were no easy answers to their problems, but they were now negotiating their differences side by side. Their discussion became a source of mutual learning. After some time, they were able to comfortably negotiate an arrangement where the son would live with them for one month, which was enough time for him to find an apartment.
Prepare a List of “Good Questions” to Learn Another Person’s Perspective
As a negotiator, you would be well-advised to develop your own personal list of generic questions to learn more about another’s perspective. These might be questions that were prepared for a different negotiation—whether used or not—or good questions that were asked of you by another negotiator. Ana’s question to Joe, “Help me understand. Where are you coming from on this?” is a good example of a generic question that can be used in almost any negotiation. Other such questions include:
“Help me understand how you see things.”
“Of all the things we’ve talked about today, what do you see as most important?”
“What are some of the other things that you care a lot about in this negotiation?”
Too often, negotiators grill one another with questions that try to prove the other side wrong. Each negotiator treats the other negotiator as though he or she were on the witness stand. Such questions call for a short yes or no answer:
“Did you even think about the impact of your behavior on my client?”
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“Are you planning to go behind my back again?”
To pursue a wiser goal of coming to understand the other person’s perspective, you will want to use open questions. Not arguments, but honest inquiries. Such questions invite others to talk about what they consider important. Open questions typically begin with the words how or what. For example:
“You tell me that the house my client is thinking of buying is worth at least the $500,000 asking price. What comparable sales or other information do you have that led you to reach that opinion on value?”
“What do you see as some of the advantages of this option? What are some of the risks?”
“How do you feel things are going?”
“What are some of your concerns about this proposal?”
HELP OTHERS APPRECIATE YOU
What should you do if a person fails to appreciate you? A negotiation may feel lopsided and unequal if you are trying to find merit in their point of view, but they fail to value yours. In resentment, you might think that you should bargain over appreciation: “I won’t express appreciation of him unless he appreciates me.” But, as mentioned earlier, this won’t work well because appreciation should be sincere. You are likely to view with suspicion any appreciation given only by request.
Don’t get discouraged. There are plenty of things you can do to help others understand what you are saying, find merit in it, and communicate their understanding. Here are some:
Help Others Understand Your Point of View
If you think that others do not understand your message, take action.
Propose a specific amount of time for them to listen to you. You can let someone with whom you are working know that you have a particular point on which you would like to be heard. Roger remembers a time when three minutes made all the difference.
John Laylin was the partner at the law firm of Covington & Burling for whom I worked for a number of years as an associate. He and I had each prepared a draft of a letter that our client in Pakistan might send to an Indian official. We each read and commented on the other’s draft. Mr. Laylin decided that we would work on his draft. I believed that he had failed to understand why I thought that his was a poor draft. I told him that I thought we should work on mine. He said no—we would work on his. Did I have any changes to suggest?
I asked him to give me three minutes to explain what I thought was wrong with his draft. He resisted. Then he took out his pocket watch, put it on the desk in front of him, and said, “All right. You have three minutes.” I had been speaking for only two when he interrupted me, asked why I had not been equally clear earlier, and dropped his draft into the waste basket. We went to work on improving the draft I had prepared.
I was heard. I made my point, and it was persuasive.
Tailor your message to be heard. On the front of many ambulances in the United States, the word ambulance is written backward. This allows drivers who look in their rearview mirror to see the word correctly. The person who conceived of this idea wisely considered, “How can we tailor our message so that other drivers get it right?”
In a negotiation, you want to shape your message so that others get it right. You may tell your junior associates that you will give them a 5 percent commission on every item they sell. You think that is generous. What many of them may hear is that you are keeping 95 percent of everything. They interpret the act as greedy. Your message and its intent have not been clearly communicated.
When your emotions or theirs become strong, it can be difficult to communicate your message so that others will hear it. When you are angry, for example, you may have a desire to blame the other side for your negative feelings. “I’m angry because you didn’t consult me before signing the agreement.” Don’t blame. It makes others defensive. Their ability to listen declines as they develop counterarguments in their mind about why they are right and you are wrong. The ability to work together is reduced.
Rather, you can communicate your anger as part of a forward-looking message. Let the other person know that you are expressing your anger in order to change future interactions. “I’m angry—and I’m letting you know—because I want to be consulted in the future before you sign an agreement that affects both of us.” Your chance of being appreciated in the long run is likely to be greater if you want to be heard not just to score points, but because you have a message designed to affect the future.
Help Others Find Merit in What You Think, Feel, or Do
There are actions you can take to help others find merit in your point of view and your emotional experience.
Ask the other person to find merit in your point of view. Rather than argue the merit in your point of view, ask the other person questions. Get him or her to reflect on the merit in your point of view. You might say, “I’m not sure that I have been as clear as I can be about my own perspective. Why do you think I find my own stance on these issues to be important and persuasive?”
Draw on a metaphor that resonates with them. You may feel angry if another person devalues your emotional experience. They might pretend not to notice that you are upset, or they might try to outdo your emotions with their own gripes. How can you encourage them to find value in your emotional experience?
A powerful approach to defuse tensions is to introduce a metaphor into a conversation. A metaphor allows you and others to talk about your shared emotional experience without doing so directly and explicitly. Rather than saying, “I feel anxious about our situation, frustrated by you, annoyed with my colleagues, and pretty hopeless right now,” you can talk about your experience using a metaphor. “It feels as though we are dancing to different music.”
Either alone or with others, you can create a metaphor that depicts your shared emotional experience. Here is a sampling of such metaphors:
“We seem to be walking a tightrope here. Let’s make sure we have a safety net.”
“I feel as if we’re caught in a tide that is pulling us into dangerous waters. Let’s change course.”
“I feel like we’re walking into a windstorm. How can we keep from moving in that direction?”
“I feel like we’re digging ourselves deeper and deeper into a hole. How can we get out of this?”
“I feel we’re trying to swim upstream. How can we make this easier for both of us?”
“A chill seems to have come over this room. Can you help me warm things up a bit?”
Metaphors provide a common language for you and others to work through your differences. Through the use of metaphor, you can both acknowledge emotional obstacles and turn those obstacles into problems you can deal with. If you and others are “dancing to different music,” you might ask, “How can we synchronize our moves better? Should we take a short break, then come back and see if we’re more in step with one another?” If you and others have “hit a roadblock,” you might ask, “How can we get around this roadblock? Should we back up our conversation and review your interests and ours?”
Metaphors are commonly used by politicians, news reporters, and negotiators to provide people with a visual, visceral sense of purpose. In the conflict between Israelis and Palestinians, for example, the concept of a road map to peace was initiated jointly by the United States, the European Union, the United Nations, and Russia. The concept of a road map resonated with many people around the world who saw the disputants as being “lost” in conflict. The road map provided a set of suggested activities each side could take. Rather than just saying, “We’re announcing a new plan for everyone to consider,” the tangible nature of a road map gave the public and politicians a concrete item to grasp and to discuss.
Help Others Hear Your Message
There are a couple of ways to motivate others to listen to you.
Have only a few big points. In crafting a message to be heard, simplify it. You want to be able to answer a few important questions:
What are they supposed to do? Will they understand that?
What are the pros and cons of that choice as they will see them?
Are they likely to welcome the message or ignore it?
Answer these questions succinctly and you will have built a strong, clear case for yourself.
Ask them what they hear you saying. You will not know if others are understanding your message unless they let you know. A simple way to find out what they hear you saying is to ask them. You might say, “I’m not sure I’m communicating my message clearly. What do you hear me saying?” If they reflect back your message inaccurately, you can clarify. And whether or not they are accurate, this question motivates them to listen more carefully in the future.
THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-APPRECIATION
There is a danger in relying on others to appreciate you. You do not have control over their actions. If they fail to give you appreciation, you may feel frustrated. They may even use appreciation as a manipulative tool, flattering you to influence your compliance with a request. Or they may refuse to understand your point of view. Any such actions will push your button if you rely on others for appreciation.
You do, however, have control over your ability to appreciate others—and over your ability to appreciate yourself. You can use your own internal resources to appreciate yourself, to boost your self-confidence, and to clarify your understanding of your point of view and theirs.
You will want to explore the objective merits of your views and actions, independent of a bias in your favor. Where your views deserve praise, do not hesitate to let yourself know. If you have a difficult time finding areas of value in your own actions or reasoning, imagine how an important mentor in your life would appreciate you. Perhaps you have a parent, teacher, or colleague who has supported you and boosted your esteem in difficult times. What might that person say to you as you are negotiating? Tell yourself that. How might they communicate their valuing of your efforts and views? Listen to that voice.