by Roger Fisher
For the past several years, we have taught a course at Harvard Law School based on the evolving concepts in this book. We hope our students learned nearly as much from us as we did from them. We also are grateful for feedback from students and teaching assistants involved in Dan’s negotiation courses at the Sloan School of Management, Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
We marvel at the dedication and intellectual talent of our student research assistants. In addition to their heavy workloads at Harvard, they somehow managed to devote hour upon hour of time and enthusiasm to our project, working much beyond the call of duty. Thank you Maria Anzorreguy, David Baharvar, Shana Becker, Brooke Clayton, Susie Goodman, Emily Howard, Audrey Lee, Joe Nuccio, Catherine O’Gorman, Hansel Pham, Zoe Segal-Reichlin, Emma Waring, and Hanna Weiss.
There were many others who helped with the development of this book. We learned from Michael Cohen at Harvard Medical School, Marjorie Corman Aaron of the University of Cincinnati Law School, Jeff Francois at the Kennedy School of Government, Clark Freshman of the University of Miami, Clare King at Johns Hopkins University, Rajesh Kumar of the Aarhus School of Business in Denmark, Liz Lorant at the Open Society Institute, Michael Moffitt of the University of Oregon School of Law, Michele Williams of MIT Sloan, and Craig Zelizer of the Alliance for Conflict Transformation. Mopsy Kennedy helped brainstorm titles for the book. Tim Gearan provided Monday-night music during which parts of this book were written. An anonymous client of Lobel, Novins, & Lamont helped support our work in the hope that it may contribute to the peaceful resolution of disputes.
We are particularly indebted to Jamil Mahuad, former president of Ecuador, for contributing the final chapter of this book.
Shannon Quinn, a former editor of the Negotiation Journal and indispensable editor of this book, worked closely with us to refine the text and smooth the language. Her guidance and book development may have translated into more work for the authors, but we trust less for the reader. Our editors at Viking Penguin marked up nearly every page in order to make this text easier to read. Rick Kot, Jane von Mehren, and Alessandra Lusardi brought their keen minds and careful edits to our book. It’s been a pleasure to work with them. And our agents—Andrew Wylie and Sarah Chalfant—kept us in good hands so we could focus on writing this book.
We feel blessed by the support of our families who joined us in spirit and enthusiasm on this book-writing journey. Elizabeth Sealey brought her business expertise to bear. Susan Dole shared in her knowledge of labor-management disputes. And Susan and Ron Shapiro read draft after draft, offered feedback, and remain two of the most dedicated and loving parents a person could ever know.
No acknowledgment can do justice to the debt we owe to our wives, Carrie Fisher and Mia Shapiro. Writing a practical book about emotions is not just an intellectual exercise. It is a lived experience. As we developed prescriptive ideas, we often tried them out when negotiating with our spouses. We learned a lot and are grateful for their patience and support.
—Roger and Dan
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Analytical
Table of Contents
Introduction
I THE BIG PICTURE
1 Emotions Are Powerful, Always Present, and Hard to Handle
What is an emotion?
Emotions can be obstacles to negotiation
They can divert attention from substantive matters.
They can damage a relationship.
They can be used to exploit you.
Emotions can be a great asset
Positive emotions can make it easier to meet substantive interests.
Positive emotions can enhance a relationship.
Positive emotions need not increase your risk of being exploited.
Dealing with emotions: Three approaches that don’t work
Stop having emotions? You can’t.
Ignore emotions? It won’t work.
Emotions affect your body.
Emotions affect your thinking.
Emotions affect your behavior.
Deal directly with emotions? A complicated task.
An alternative: Focus on core concerns
2 Address the Concern, Not the Emotion
Five core concerns stimulate many emotions
Use the core concerns as a lens and as a lever
As a lens to see a situation more clearly and to diagnose it
Preparing for your negotiation.
Conducting your negotiation.
Reviewing your negotiation.
As a lever to help improve a situation
Summary
II TAKE THE INITIATIVE
3 Express Appreciation:
Find Merit in What Others Think, Feel, or Do—and Show It
Appreciation: A core concern and an all-purpose action
Obstacles to feeling appreciated
Three elements to express appreciation
Understand their point of view
Listen for the “music” as well as the words.
Listen for meta-messages.
Find merit in what the other person thinks, feels, or does
When views conflict, find merit in their reasoning.
When you strongly disagree with others, try acting like a mediator.
Communicate your understanding
Reflect back what you hear.
Suggest how upset you might be if it happened to you.
To appreciate does not mean to give in
Prepare to appreciate others
Decide who you want to appreciate
Try the role reversal exercise
Prepare a list of “good questions” to learn another person’s perspective
Help others appreciate you
Help others understand your point of view
Propose a specific amount of time for them to listen to you.
Tailor your message to be heard.
Help others find merit in what you think, feel, or do
Ask the other person to find merit in your point of view.
Draw on a metaphor that resonates with them.
Help others hear your message
Have only a few big points.
Ask them what they hear you saying.
The importance of self-appreciation
Summary
4 Build Affiliation:
Turn an Adversary into a Colleague
The power of affiliation
Too often, we overlook opportunities to build affiliation
Improving your structural connection
Find links with others
Build new links as colleagues
From the outset, treat the other as a colleague.
Make yourself indebted to the other.
Plan joint activities.
Exclude with care.
Reducing personal distance
Connecting at a personal level
Meet in person rather than via phone, computer, or e-mail.
Discuss things you care about.
Consider giving space to bring you closer.
Keep in contact.
Making it easier to build a personal connection
Hold private, unofficial meetings.
Reshape the public’s image of the conflict.
Organize subcommittees to focus on specific issues.
Protecting yourself from being manipulated by affiliation
Check a proposal with your head
Check also with your gut feelings
Summary
5 Respect Autonomy
Expand Yours (and Don’t Impinge upon Theirs)
Obstacles to using autonomy wisely
We unduly limit our own autonomy
We impinge upon their autonomy
Expand
your autonomy
Make a recommendation
Invent options before deciding
Conduct joint brainstorming
Caveat: A great deal of autonomy can be overwhelming
Don’t impinge upon their autonomy
Always consult before deciding
Invite input from “invisible” stakeholders
Consulting with stakeholders.
Informing stakeholders.
An example: The impact on employees of a merger.
To establish decision-making guidelines, use the I-C-N bucket system
Bucket 1: Inform.
Bucket 2: Consult, then decide.
Bucket 3: Negotiate joint agreement.
Back to Chicago: What to do when autonomy is impinged
In the moment
In hindsight
Summary
6 Acknowledge Status:
Recognize High Standing Wherever Deserved
Status can enhance our esteem and influence
There is no need to compete over status
Social status: Treat every negotiator with respect
Become aware of social status
Be courteous to everyone
Particular status: Acknowledge each person’s high standing wherever deserved
Look for each person’s areas of particular status
Is either of you an expert on substantive issues?
Is either of you an expert on the process of negotiation?
Recognize their high status, then yours
Take pleasure in your areas of status
Know the limits of status
Give weight to opinions where deserved
Beware of status spillover
Remember: Status can always be raised—or lowered
Back to the hospital
Advice for the nurse
Advice for the doctor
Advice for hospital administrators
Summary
7 Choose a Fulfilling Role
and Select the Activities Within It
A fulfilling role has three key qualities
Make your conventional roles more fulfilling
Become aware of your conventional roles
Shape your role to include fulfilling activities
Every role has a job label and a set of activities.
Expand your role to include meaningful activities.
Redefine the activities in your role.
Appreciate the conventional roles that others want to play
You have the power to choose your temporary roles
Become aware of temporary roles you automatically play
Adopt a temporary role that fosters collaboration
Appreciate the temporary roles that others play
Suggest a temporary role for them
A caveat: Roles are not just “their problem”
Revisiting the performance review
Role
Conventional role.
Temporary roles.
Appreciation
Affiliation
Autonomy
Status
Summary
III SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE
8 On Strong Negative Emotions:
They Happen. Be Ready.
A case in point
Strong negative emotions can sidetrack a negotiation
Check the current emotional temperature
Take your own emotional temperature
Assess their emotional temperature
Have an emergency plan ready before negative emotions arise
Soothe yourself: Cool down your emotional temperature
Soothe others: Calm their strong emotions
Appreciate their concerns.
Take a break.
Change the players or the place.
Diagnose possible triggers of strong emotions
Consider core concerns as possible triggers
Ask questions to check out your assumptions
Before you react emotionally, formulate your purpose
Purpose 1: To get emotions off your chest
Venting can make a bad situation worse.
Focus on understanding, not blaming.
If you vent, be careful not to further justify your anger.
Stay on topic.
Vent to a third party, not to the person who triggered your emotions.
Vent for the other side.
Write a letter to the person who triggered your anger—but don’t send it.
Purpose 2: To educate another about the impact of their behavior on you
Purpose 3: To influence the other person
Purpose 4: To improve the relationship
Advice for Burger Brothers and the Super Sox
Advice for Bill, the negotiator for Burger Brothers
Creating an emergency plan for strong emotions.
Diagnosing possible causes of strong emotions.
Preparing his purpose for expressing strong emotions.
Cooling his emotional temperature.
Advice for Sandra, co-owner of the Super Sox
Creating an emergency plan for strong emotions.
Using the emergency plan.
Formulating a purpose.
Summary
9 On Being Prepared
Prepare on Process, Substance, and Emotion
Prepare in advance of each negotiation
On process, develop a suggested sequence of events
On substance, gain perspective on Seven Elements of Negotiation
On emotions, consider core concerns and physiology
Use the core concerns as both a lens and a lever.
As a lens to understand.
As a lever to improve the situation.
Visualize success.
Keep your physiology in check.
Use relaxation techniques to calm your nerves.
Prepare an emotional first aid kit.
Check your mood.
Review after each negotiation
Determine WW and DD—what worked well and what to do differently
Focus on emotions, process, and substance
Keep a journal of lessons learned
Summary
10 On Using These Ideas in the “Real World”:
A Personal Account by Jamil Mahuad,
Former President of Ecuador
The Perfect Storm
The current situation
The challenge: Against all odds
Preparing for peace
Key elements in building emotional rapport
Appreciation: Show your understanding of his merits and difficulties
Affiliation: Find some common ground
Status: “I’ll recognize his seniority”
Autonomy: Do not tell others what to do
Role: “Us” means “us” for both sides
Core concerns as a bundle
The agreement
A final reflection
IV CONCLUSION
V END MATTER
Seven Elements of Negotiation
Glossary
Works Consulted
Acknowledgments
Analytical Table of Contents
*As a general negotiating strategy, positive emotions are more likely than negative emotions to foster rapport and collaboration. Yet, tactically, even the negative emotion of anger can enable two people to clear the air and get back together. And, to be sure, sometimes negative feelings such as grief can bring people together as they share the grief.
*In this book, we sometimes use the third person plural—they, them, or their—where strict grammar would suggest usin
g a singular, such as he or she. Other options seem to lead to some sort of stereotyping or distracting language.
*The core concerns may be universal human wants. Tactics to meet each concern, however, are often culturally specific. In a collectivistic culture, for example, it might be seen as an insult for a junior colleague meeting with a senior, older colleague to suggest that they address one another by first name. We will not raise cultural variations throughout the book, but do want the reader to note that some of the tactical advice may need to be culturally adapted.
*For example, see page 193 for a photograph of President Jamil Mahuad of Ecuador and President Alberto Fujimori of Peru as they work side by side to deal with an international border dispute.
*For further information on the literature on emotions in negotiation, please write to Daniel Shapiro at the Harvard Negotiation Project, Pound Hall 523, Harvard Law School, Cambridge, MA 02138.
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