"Did you read that in the private investigator's playbook?" I snapped.
"No," he said, ignoring my tone. "But I did work for the FBI. Remember?"
By now my head was splitting. "I'd better get back to the church." I got to my feet. "But if you know something and aren't telling me, I'll disembowel you with a drinking straw. You know what I mean. Remember Tashkent?" With one more threatening glance, I rushed out of his place and got back into my car.
By the time I walked back into the church, there was a sea of worried faces on our family and friends. Well, except for his sister, Ronni. But then, she always looked angry. Rex's parents were huddled with the twins, Randi and Ronni, talking softly. Did they know something? That seemed unlikely. As much as Ronni despised me, the others seemed to really like me.
Oh, crap. In my insane rush through town, I'd forgotten about Lewis Spitz. Considering the dead florist in the first pew being examined by the coroner who was also my bridesmaid, it was difficult to say what upset folks more. I nodded at Dr. Soo Jin Body, who returned the nod and went back to work.
There was another possibility for Rex's disappearance…
"Kevin," I demanded of the policeman who was almost asleep in a back pew. "Go arrest Juliette Dowd for kidnapping!"
He got to his feet and was about to walk out the door when Kelly stopped him. Hey, I was impressed he'd listened to me. Too bad my best friend wouldn't let him slap the cuffs on Rex's childhood sweetheart—an overly obsessive Girl Scout employee who raged at me on a regular basis.
"I don't think Miss Dowd kidnapped Rex." Kelly shook her head. "There has to be a reasonable explanation."
"Detective Ferguson is missing?" Soo Jin was standing next to me.
We turned to watch as the body of my florist was being carried out on a stretcher by two paramedics.
"Yes," I said, my eyes on the dead man. "Have you heard from him?"
The coroner shook her head slowly. She was incredibly beautiful doing it, with her large sad eyes and silky black bob. The woman could ugly cry and it would be the loveliest thing mankind had ever seen. She was a friend after a rough probationary period, but I still felt a little insecure around someone who was so beautiful that it hurt to look at her.
Officer Dooley stood there, looking around as if he knew he was supposed to do something but had no idea what. What would he do without Rex? The man couldn't tie his shoes without direction. For a nanosecond, I felt a tiny bit of pity for the Neanderthal.
Dr. Body sighed. "I'll accompany Mr. Spitz to the morgue, and then I'll be back for the rehearsal."
Kevin nodded silently and then spotted a plate of cookies that Kelly had brought for us to snack on. They were gone in seconds.
Riley strode through the door, looking worried. Which was a surprise since he'd been barred from the festivities. I thought having a former flame at my wedding would be a tad indiscreet.
I began issuing commands. "Call in satellite imagery. I need visuals of all routes in and out of town."
We'd likely find nothing because there was no CCTV in the US. I'd seen a documentary on it recently, but no amount of arguing could convince Rex that we needed it here in town. In fact, he'd suggested that it would be more prudent to fit me with body cams—considering all the corpses that showed up around me on a regular basis.
"Surely you don't think he did a runner," Riley protested.
I shook my head. "No. But we have a dead florist. Rex's disappearance is suspicious."
I looked over at Kevin, who had managed to get hopelessly tangled up in a pew bow. It was the night before my wedding day, and my groom was missing. This was definitely going to throw a damper on the rehearsal dinner.
I turned to Riley and said something I never thought I'd say to him.
"I think I need your help."
CHAPTER TWO
A few hours later, as the daylight began to fade, there was a packed church full of concerned people, but no Rex. Soo Jin had the presence of mind to call Sheriff Carnack, and the large, amiable man was walking around, interviewing folks about the murder of Lewis Spitz—something I kept forgetting about.
His two deputies were out looking for the man I was supposed to marry. I liked the sheriff and had far more faith in him than in Officer Kevin Dooley.
Were these two things related? Could Rex be tied to the dead man somehow? Was that worth mentioning to the sheriff? It looked like he had his hands full with the murder and the missing detective. I felt a little sorry for him. Even though his office was in Who's There, most of his work took him to other parts of the county.
You might think that in a county made up entirely of small towns that there wasn't much for law enforcement to do. And you'd be wrong. Just last week, there'd been the kidnapping of a prized cow (it wasn't stolen—it had just wandered off), the theft of a tractor (taken on a joyride by teenagers), and a prison break at a nursing home, where five geriatric men with dementia had escaped, looking in the outskirts of town for a bordello that had ceased to exist in 1929. There's never a dull moment in rural Iowa.
A squeal erupted from the front of the church, and I was soon engulfed in a wave of ten little girls. My Girl Scout troop, which was also the world's largest flower girl contingent, surrounded me with giggles and questions about the rehearsal. They had no idea what was going on.
I held up the silent sign, and they quieted down. Now that I had their attention, I had no idea what to tell them. Kelly, spotting the look on my face, hurried over.
"Why don't you go get something to eat?" She nudged me in the elbow. "I'll talk to the girls."
I wasn't hungry, but since I didn't want to have to explain, one more time, that Rex was missing, I did what she said. Because of Kevin, the platter of cookies was empty, but my mother handed me a package of Oreos, and I began to munch.
"I'm sure he's around here somewhere." Mom put her arm around me.
My dad, Senator Michael Czrygy, put his arm around me, and we stood there in a three-way hug for a few moments. As soothing as it was, it didn't really help.
"It's been hours, Mom," I complained. "He was supposed to be here half an hour ago to get ready for the rehearsal. Where is he?"
My mother, who'd once brokered a peace deal between Israel and Iran over a black forest cake at Senator John McCain's Porkstravaganza Barbecue, had nothing to say. That was a bad omen.
"Mrs. Wrath!" Betty screeched as she, Lauren, Inez, and Hannah joined me. "We just heard!"
For years my troop has labored under the delusion that if you're over twenty, you're a Mrs. No matter how much I explained that I was really a Ms., the girls insisted on calling me Mrs. To be honest—they'd soon be right, once I found Rex.
"Do you think the Russians got him?" Lauren asked.
Inez nodded. "Or the mafia?"
"Don't be ridiculous!" Betty shut them down. "It's obvious he's been kidnapped by Basque Separatists!"
I wish! Frankly, Basque Separatists were far easier to handle than not knowing what was going on.
"Maybe," Caterina said, "he's tracking a serial killer who stole his cell phone, through the wilderness! He has no way to contact Mrs. Wrath—and he has to capture the killer at any cost!"
We all turned to stare at the little girl who usually said nothing. And while I liked her theory that Rex was on the job, I think I'd rather have the Basque Separatists.
"Hey, Merry-go-round!" Rex's father clapped me on the back.
Mike Ferguson, a large man with a mad scientist-y shock of black hair and a booming voice, had taken to giving me nicknames in the last couple of weeks. I wasn't fond of it, but I liked him too much to say anything. At least the holidays were over and he'd stopped calling me Merry Christmas.
"How're you holding up?" Millie, Rex's mother, looked worried. Petite and plump with dark hair streaked with silver, my future mother-in-law kept her fears to herself in an attempt to see how I was doing. I really liked her too.
"I'm fine," I lied. How could I feel sorry for myself
when these people were worried?
"I think he skipped town!" Ronni shouted at my right elbow. "He didn't want to marry you and fled the country!"
"Ronni!" Randi snapped at her twin. "I'm sure that isn't what happened!"
The normally kind-hearted Millie shot her daughter a look that would've turned anyone else to stone. Ronni, who I was sure secretly fed on fear and fury, ignored it.
"Now we're not going to have a wedding," Ronni continued. "And I spent all week working on the haggis!"
The Fergusons were an unusual family, with Greek and Scottish ancestry. And they had some strange traditions that involved food—like me hand feeding the minister baklava and stepping on a haggis. Which made me wonder—why work all week on something I was only going to step on? Kelly had been worried that it would destroy my dainty, white satin, kitten heel (no, they're not made of kittens…I checked) shoes. So, I'd ordered a pair of custom wedding combat boots. It was kind of a win-win, really.
As for the Ferguson traditions, Rex and I had shot down some of the other stuff, like the sword fight between the bride and groom (the only thing I kind of liked), among other things. But we had to relent on the haggis. Do you know what haggis is? It's the less attractive parts of a pig stuffed into a sheep's stomach.
"Ronni!" Randi snapped. "Merry has enough to worry about without you complaining about the haggis!"
That was true.
As the Fergusons dragged Ronni away and began to argue quietly in the corner, I looked around the church. The sheriff was kneeling next to the pew where the dead florist had been. The crime scene tape was still in place, and I couldn't help but wonder if that would be more appropriate for the pew bows, since murder seemed to follow me everywhere I went.
A frown came over Carnack's face, and I watched as he reached up under the seat and extracted something that fit in the palm of his hand. What was it?
Soo Jin had returned and appeared at my side with Kelly, who gently let me know that the pastor thought we should move things along.
"We could go ahead with the rehearsal," the coroner suggested. "Rex can figure it all out tomorrow." She patted me on the arm. "I'm sure he'll be here."
Kelly nodded. "I like that idea. And it will give everyone something to do."
With a sigh, I agreed. "Okay. Let's do it." Maybe it would be like that law of physics, where your food at a restaurant only arrived when you were in the bathroom. Would Rex magically appear like that once we started?
"The only thing is"—Kelly looked around—"we need a stand-in for Rex."
"How about Dad?" I shrugged
My matron of honor shook her head. "No, both of your parents are giving you away."
"Rex's dad?" I asked.
Soo Jin piped up. "He's giving the reading, remember? He can't be in two places at once."
I stared at them. "We have a reading?" I didn't tell them I had no idea what a reading was, because I didn't want to look like an idiot.
The only other men here who didn't have significant roles to play were Kevin, Sheriff Carnack, and…
"Riley!" Kelly shouted.
Oh no. Not him.
The newly (and somewhat questionably) minted private eye strolled up the aisle, and before I could say anything, agreed to be the stand-in for my missing groom. He held out his arm with a grin I couldn't quite interpret but definitely wanted to wipe off his face…with a cheese grater. I shoved him toward the altar and walked back to the entrance.
Kelly called for everyone to take their places, and for a brief moment in Bizarro World, I wondered if it really wouldn't be better to use Kevin Dooley instead.
My heart was pounding as Randi took her spot at the organ, with Ronni ready to turn the pages of music for her. Robert, Kelly's husband, played usher and escorted the Fergusons to their seats before taking his place with Riley at the front of the church.
In the doorway, the ten little girls lined up two-by-two and, once the music started, solemnly walked up the aisle, pretending to drop flower petals. Good thing this was just a rehearsal. With that many flower girls, I'd be wading through two feet of silk flowers to get to the altar.
Soo Jin waited for the last two girls to go before heading slowly up the aisle herself. Kelly gave me a wink before following her.
"Ready, kiddo?" Mom whispered.
Dad squeezed my hand.
"I'd be a lot more ready if Rex was here," I grumbled. Where was he?
As the processional began to play, we walked up the aisle. Passing row after row of empty pews looked strange against the altar-heavy church laden with ten flower girls and two bridesmaids.
And while I went through the motions of the ceremony, my mind was overrun with concern for Rex.
"Just like old times," Riley whispered. "Eh, Wrath?"
I glared at him. "I don't remember marrying you before now."
"You don't remember Oslo?"
The pastor cleared his throat to get us to stop talking.
I'd forgotten about Oslo. Riley and I had been posing as tourists in the Norwegian capital, complete with sham wedding and an even more shammy honeymoon. I shuddered, recalling the trolls who'd tossed mushrooms at us on the way out of the chapel. Riley had almost convinced me that it had been a real marriage after all—until I saw that the marriage certificate had been signed by Thor.
"You'd better not be behind this," I growled.
"I had nothing to do with Rex's disappearance," he insisted. "I'm as worried as you are."
I'll bet.
As the ceremony went on, everyone seemed eager to do their bit. Probably as a distraction from Rex's disappearance and the dead body, now at the morgue. Riley took my hand and kept squeezing it. I responded with a bone-crushing grip. He gasped a little, and I hoped that would be enough to deter him from the kiss at the end. That was not going to happen.
The rehearsal wrapped with the recessional, and as the girls giggled and looked back at us, I knew something was up. Were they planning something for the real thing? I wouldn't put it past them. I loved my troop of wonderfully precocious little girls. But if they were working together on some sort of prank, we were screwed.
"That went well," Kelly announced from the altar. "If I can just see the flower girls, bridesmaids, and parents for a moment…"
Everyone moved back to the front of the church as Sheriff Carnack joined Riley and me near the doorway.
"Any news?" I asked eagerly.
He shook his head. "Not yet. But my deputies are on it." He gave Kevin a long look. The officer was standing in the lobby, pretending to quick draw his gun on a statue of Saint Bernadette.
"Is he alright?" the sheriff asked.
I shook my head. "No. He's a danger to himself and others. I'd suggest you arrest him." Sadly, stupidity isn't a crime. "What are your deputies doing?"
Sympathy shone in his eyes. "Everything we can. I promise. In the meantime, I have a few questions about Mr. Spitz, the deceased."
He gave Riley a strange glance, and I introduced him. "This is Riley Andrews. He was my handler at the CIA, recently switched to the FBI out of Omaha, and now is starting up a PI firm."
The sheriff knew about my past. I'd had to let it slip during a fishing fiasco with my girls last spring.
Carnack's eyes grew wide. "Over in the strip mall? I wondered who that was." He held out his hand, and Riley took it. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Andrews. I'm impressed with your experience, but I don't think you'll be very busy here. Not with the police station and the sheriff's office in town."
Riley smiled warmly. "Thanks, Sheriff. I'm thinking of it as a sort of quasi-retirement."
"What can I do to help?" I interrupted the mutual admiration society. "Rex is missing, and my florist is dead."
Sheriff Carnack shrugged. "Anything you can do would be great."
My jaw dropped. Maybe I was just too used to hearing that I'd be in the way or was meddling. I'd expected him to shut me down.
The large man seemed to anticipate what I was thinking.
"I'm responsible for the whole county, and we've just started an investigation into a meth ring in Bladdersly. You've got the skills to help investigate, and I'm going to need your help."
Of course there was a meth ring in Bladdersly. That unfortunately named town was a nefarious rival of Who's There. Every year the Whorish (an unfortunate blending of Who and Irish) battled the Raging Bladders in a tepid football game between two teams who were equally terrible. If I had to draw an analogy, I'd say it was like watching two dead flies circling a drain to see who went down first.
"Yes!" I said a little too quickly. "I'll do it! I'll help with Rex's disappearance. And if it's related, I can help with the murder investigation." I was not, however, asking to help with the meth ring in Bladdersly. I wasn't going anywhere near that hellhole if I could avoid it.
"The only thing is," he said slowly, "in law enforcement, whenever an officer has a personal connection to a case, they aren't allowed to investigate. But with your history as a resident and relationship to 99 percent of all murders here in town, I'm willing to overlook that."
"I can help too, Sheriff," Riley offered.
Carnack nodded. "Good. Because this murder is adding another problem to my plate. Did you know the deceased?"
Dr. Body left the front and joined us, sensing, I suppose, that her input would be needed.
I shook my head. "Not really. Kelly booked him. Or maybe my mother did. I'd met him once or twice. I guess he knew my grandmother, because he came out of retirement to help his son handle my flowers."
Whoa. Was the murder connected to Kelly or Mom and not me?
Rex's absence appeared to loosen Soo Jin's tongue. "Everything points to him being stabbed once through the heart. I haven't done a full autopsy, because I had to be here." She smiled warmly at me.
I remembered seeing Carnack take something from the crime scene. "Sheriff, what did you find under the pew?"
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper.
I nodded as I leaned in to read the note.
Wedding traditions as good as gold…
Let's start out with Something Old.
Merry Wrath Mysteries Boxed Set Volume III (Books 7-9) Page 40