by Jane Carter
‘How horrible.’ Diana shivered.
Back at the house, Diana gestured to the wooden pegs where the rifle had rested before. ‘You’ve moved the gun.’
‘Mmm, they have to be locked away now. It seems to me the only people allowed out with guns these days are the criminals.’
Diana smothered a laugh. ‘Good work, Dad.’ She gave him a kiss on the cheek. ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’
‘Sure, I’ll just put this away.’ He walked quietly down the hall to his bedroom, nursing the rifle in his arms. When he returned, he sat at the kitchen table.
‘You’ve been up nights, your mother tells me. Having trouble getting to sleep?’
‘All these thoughts keep going round and round in my head and they won’t let me alone.’
‘You can’t expect everything to come right all at once. I know you, Diana, you like to think once you’ve decided something, it’s done. Not everything goes that way.’
‘I know. You’d think I’d have got that through my thick skull by now.’ Her elbows on the table, Diana leant forward and put her head in her hands. ‘I know Mum wants me to talk to her but I can’t, not about Charlie. The strangest thing was I could talk about him to a perfect stranger I met at Granny’s today. Her doctor.’
‘Will. He’s a good bloke. I wouldn’t worry too much. We know you need some time.’
They sat in silence, drinking their tea. Tom stood, giving her shoulder a squeeze on his way to the sink. ‘Oh, Diana, it’s Mother’s Day on Sunday.’
‘Good Lord, I’d totally forgotten. Mother’s Day in England is in March.’
‘Thing is, your mum likes to think about Cody on that day. Just wanted you to know, that’s all.’
‘What do you mean?’ Diana asked.
‘She usually takes off, spends the day by herself. Rosie and I go and see Mum.’
‘Oh, what should we do?’
Tom looked uncomfortable. ‘I don’t know. Don’t do anything. I reckon she’ll tell us. Shouldn’t have said anything.’
‘Yes you should. I’d really like to do something for her. I don’t get a lot of opportunity, being so far away. I’ll put my mind to it.’
‘Forget I said anything. Goodnight, Diana. Thanks for the tea. Sleep tight.’
* * *
‘What are we doing today, Tommo?’ Milo was attacking the four Weet-Bix in his bowl with gusto.
Tom regarded his grandson indulgently. ‘We’ve got to feed the old ewes this morning. I’ve been thinking we should up their feed over the winter months, they’re a bit weak.’
‘Have we got enough to last?’ Stella passed him another piece of toast.
‘Should, if we get rain in the next couple of months.’
‘Can we come too?’ Saskia had finished her Coco Pops and reached up to put her bowl next to the sink, rather precariously. Stella absently raised her arm to push it further back.
‘Sure, the more the merrier,’ said Tom. ‘Who wants to come?’
Diana walked in, a bit fuddled from her lack of sleep. ‘Come where?’ she yawned.
‘Feeding this morning. Sure you don’t want to go back to bed?’ Stella couldn’t help a smile.
‘No, I’m better up, I think. I had horrible nightmares of being attacked by ferocious pig dog-dingo crosses, and when I woke up it was Saskia kicking me.’ Diana groaned.
‘Tea, darling?’
Diana nodded and Stella passed her a steaming cup of tea.
‘Thanks, Mum.’
* * *
Stella sat in the front to drive, and after they’d loaded four bags of wheat and three children into the back of the ute, Diana and Tom clambered in with them.
Diana grinned at her father. ‘We fill up the space pretty well.’
Tom smiled at her over the top of the children’s heads. The sun was shining and the leaves in the gum trees trembled in the light breeze. Suddenly Diana felt a strong yearning to stay, not to go back to England. Could she?
‘This is so much fun,’ she said. ‘I used to love doing this when we were kids.’
She watched as her father slit the stitching at the top of one of the bags and, bracing himself against the side of the ute, he lifted the bag upside down and a stream of golden wheat grains started to trickle out.
‘Sienna, would you knock on the top of the roof to tell Stella to start moving.’
The ute lurched off to a slow start in a straight line down the paddock. Diana laughed and pointed at the sheep, scattered all over the paddock, as they started to call to each other and race towards the back of the ute.
‘Look, see the one at the front,’ said Tom. ‘That old girl is always the first here. Sheep are very like humans, they have their own individual personalities. She’ll have a quick nibble but she always thinks the new bit is better. See that one over there, she’ll stay at the back and eat steadily until her pile is gone, and see that one over there, she’ll circle around, trying to get into the mob where it’s thickest. Whinging. Just like people, aren’t they?’ He smiled at Diana and gave the bag a shake. It was almost finished. ‘Sienna, tell Stella to stop until I get the new bag started. Hold on, kids.’
And they were off again.
‘You remember how I met Will Talbot the other day?’ said Diana. ‘He’s an easy person to talk to. You wouldn’t consider going to see him and asking him about your depression?’
‘You’ve been talking to Rosie. I am not depressed.’ He lifted up the last bag of wheat, braced himself and nodded to Sienna. ‘There’s nothing wrong with me a good wool cheque wouldn’t fix.’
‘Failing that, there’s nothing that might make you a bit easier to live with?’
‘Who me? I’m the most easy-going fella around.’
Diana couldn’t help laugh. She watched her father, telling the kids about his sheep. He loved his sheep, he loved Mog’s Hill. They were indistinguishable. She couldn’t think of him anywhere else.
* * *
Her daughter’s head appeared round Stella’s bedroom door. ‘Can I come in?’
She nodded.
‘Dad says it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow. I’d like to cook lunch for you, bring Granny out, invite Rosie and Mal. We’ve done Mother’s Day in the UK, it’s definitely your turn.’
Stella examined Diana’s reflection in the mirror. She appeared better than yesterday, not so exhausted.
‘I’d rather not have any fuss.’
‘Please, Mum, it’s been years. Let me. Everyone can celebrate their own mothers. Dad, Rosie and I, and the kids. Does Philly come back?’
‘No, not usually.’
‘She might come up. I’ll ring Rosie.’
Suddenly the mirror was empty. Diana had gone.
She should have said no. But Diana was right, it was a day to celebrate motherhood, not mourn children. It was just that it had become a day she’d carved out for herself. She didn’t want to share it, or share her memories of Cody. Stella knelt on the floor and opened the camphor chest at the end of her bed. The chest had been her mother’s. The camphor scent rose up sharply, the folded baby clothes, some dresses she’d made for Diana and Rosie. Cody had been more into jeans and shorts than skirts. Ah, there were the two costumes she’d made—one fairy princess and one Maid Marion. Picking them up and shaking them, she examined them critically and then laughed. Diana had wanted to be Robin Hood. They had compromised. Life had been a series of compromises with Diana.
There’d been a time when materials and fashion had been her life. A long time ago. A strange, unsubstantial kind of life, looking back on it, where fabrics and season colours and hot accessories were the most important things in her life, before food even. And strangest of all—it was so normal. Now she knew what was normal, everyday life and she wouldn’t change it for the world.
Stella spread the gossamer fabric of the princess skirt and assessed the garment with a tilt of the head. She might have made a fashion designer. On the other hand, maybe not.
‘What are you d
oing?’ Tom put a hand on her shoulder. She hadn’t noticed him coming in.
‘Look, I’ve found these costumes. Do you think they’ll fit the girls? They could wear them to lunch tomorrow.’
‘Diana said something to you? Are you all right with it, love?’
‘Sure, it will be good.’ She smiled up at him and let him help her to her feet.
* * *
Diana rang Rosie.
‘Mum will hate it, she does her own thing on Mother’s Day, always has.’
‘Well, she agreed. So how about it? What about Phillipa? Could she come up, do you think? I haven’t seen her yet and she hasn’t met the kids. You ring her, and I’ll sort the food. Can you bring some beans?’
‘I haven’t got beans, Diana, how about some spinach?’
‘As long as Mum likes it. Okay, see you tomorrow.’
Diana rang off. If she met any more negativity she’d scream. Surely Mother’s Day was all about the living? They could bring Granny out and have everyone all together. Her kids and Granny hadn’t exactly hit it off just yet—not really surprising when she never remembered they’d been born. It would happen. Just a little more time. This was a really good idea.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Sunday morning, Diana was in the kitchen regarding the big piece of rump when Rosie arrived and handed over a bunch of spinach. She was well satisfied with her purchase she’d found at the butchers, just before he closed. Her mother would enjoy the rare pleasure of a different meat than lamb.
‘So Phillipa’s coming today.’ Diana shook the water off the spinach leaves.
‘Yes, I’m so excited. She said yes straight away. She might be a little late, depending what time she gets up. There was something on last night.’
‘Oh those halcyon days.’ Diana grinned, reminiscently.
‘Mal just says he hopes she’s not going to drive when she’s over the limit,’ Rosie said. ‘But I’m with you. I’m glad she’s having this time without responsibility, or having to answer to anyone. I want it for her.’
‘There was no getting you to venture out of this town,’ said Diana. ‘And we tried, Rosie, all of us.’
‘I know. So foolish I was, but my life was here. I had a good job and I had Mal. I knew I loved him long before he knew he loved me. There was no way I was going to leave him like you did.’
‘Rosie, you know there was nothing between Mal and me. Just good mates, that’s all we were.’
‘You are good at seeing what you want to see, Diana, aren’t you?’
Diana finished smothering the piece of beef with margarine, picked it up and put it gently in the pan. ‘No, Rosie, I’m honest. You’re the one who’s built it up, way out of proportion.’ She faced her sister. She had to finish this conversation, Rosie wasn’t letting it go. ‘There’s absolutely no accounting for someone’s heart. It’s involved, taken, shackled, or it isn’t. My guess is that Mal wasn’t desperately in love with me.’
‘How did you know you loved Charlie? It was very sudden.’
‘Charlie and I needed each other. And we became parents so quickly.’ Diana gave a little laugh. ‘No time to think about it afterwards.’
Stella called out for Rosie. She shrugged and left Diana alone in the kitchen.
Charlie. Diana waited for the pain. She waited for the feeling of Charlie swirling around her. Was it so bad, Charlie, to have married you so quickly? She had wanted to love someone, wanted to belong to someone, and Charlie had wanted her. Lust and convenience—a good package. She’d been so lonely. He knew that, though. He’d thought he was getting this lonely person with no appendages, no family baggage. That was why he got such a shock when they came out to Australia. She did have a family, and they posed a threat—for him anyway, although Diana could never see it.
* * *
The airport departure lounge was packed to the rafters—men sitting on the floor using their backpacks as pillows; mothers, hot and tired and cranky, nursing children on their knees.
Diana looked up from rocking the stroller absently as her mother finally pushed through the crowd towards her. ‘Another delay?’
‘Half an hour at least before we start loading.’
‘I’d suggest we go and get another coffee but the baby has just gone to sleep. I’m not moving.’
Stella laughed. ‘Good idea. If there was only a seat here anywhere, I’d suggest you sleep, too.’
‘How I could sleep in all this mayhem, I have no idea.’
‘Just take the opportunity whenever it presents to rest yourself.’
‘Thanks, Mum, for everything. I’m sorry I’ve been so useless.’
‘Don’t you dare, I’ve had a wonderful time.’
‘If only Saskia had been easier.’
‘I said stop now. I’ve loved every minute. Now when are you going to come home?’
‘Home?’ Diana looked blankly at her mother. Where had that come from? ‘I have a home, Mum. You’ve just been staying in it.’
‘Can’t you talk Charlie into coming over for a few months, at least? I have a feeling he’d like Australia. He needs another go, don’t you think?’
Diana rocked the stroller back and forward, trying not to lose her temper. ‘We’re pretty settled here, Mum. You know, I have a business, my pottery, Charlie’s painting, and Milo’s just started school. Moving is not on the agenda.’
‘Just think about it.’
An announcement crackled above their heads and people started moving forward in a massive, slow-moving wave.
Her mother looked anxious. ‘I’ve got to go.’
Diana didn’t have the heart to tell her it was still going to be some considerable time before she could fall into her seat. And she had no idea when they were going to see one another again. ‘Give my love to Dad and Rosie and Mal and Phillipa. Bye.’
They hugged and Diana turned and pushed her baby back down the never-ending hallway.
She found a tight parking space down the road from their house. She was so tired. She glanced over her shoulder at the sleeping baby in the car seat. Diana leant back. Maybe she could go to sleep now, too. There was a knock on the window and she opened it.
Charlie peered in at her. ‘You’ve taken your time. It doesn’t take that long to get to the airport and back.’
‘The plane was late taking off, and we were talking.’
‘That doesn’t surprise me. You and your mother can certainly talk.’
Diana looked at him, puzzled. ‘We’ve hardly touched base this visit. I’ve been trying to settle Saskia most of the time. You’ve seen more of her than I have.’
‘Well, Milo and Sienna are driving me crazy. Having three kids was a terrible mistake. And add on top of it having to entertain your mother for ten days.’
‘I had no idea it was such an effort,’ Diana said stiffly. She got out of the car and went round to release Saskia.
‘You haven’t exactly been much fun lately,’ said Charlie.
‘I know. I’m sorry. I’ve just been so tired.’ She picked up Saskia, who started to cry. ‘Oh no, go to sleep, baby, hush hush.’
‘Well, we’re both tired. I haven’t had much sleep either. I’m off to the pub. The lads are getting together to finish off that darts comp we started last week. The kids are in front of the telly.’
Diana watched him lope off down the road. She wasn’t going to tell him about the conversation she’d just had with her mother. She’d hoped so badly for some recognition of what she and Charlie had achieved. Just a ‘Well done, Diana. What a beautiful family’. No, all she’d got was, ‘When are you coming home?’
Well, she wouldn’t be repeating that to Charlie.
And she couldn’t see a move to Australia any time soon.
* * *
She’d been wrong about that. Here she was in Australia and it was Mother’s Day. And it was up to her now to make the decision. To move or not to move …
CHAPTER TWENTY
Stella wandered into the kitchen. ‘
My curiosity’s got the better of me. Is there anything I can do? How long has that meat been in the oven?’ she asked suspiciously.
Diana shook off the memory of that trip to London. ‘Oh, no you don’t, Mum, you are off duty. Go and sit down. Have the girls finished doing your nails?’
‘Yes, thank you for that idea.’ Stella held up her hands to show a rainbow of different colours on her nails. ‘And the massage was lovely, but I haven’t seen them for ages.’
‘Neither have I.’ Diana frowned. ‘Where on earth are they?’ She went to the back door and called. ‘Sienna, Saskia, Milo, where are you?’
No answer. Nothing moving round the sheds, no chatter. Just perfect quiet.
‘I think you’d better go and look for them,’ said Stella, frowning. ‘They may have wandered away.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Mum. They’re not going to get lost.’ But Diana was moving down the steps. ‘Milo, where are you?’
Three figures came round the shed. Diana blinked. ‘What on earth have you been doing?’ They were covered in mud from their knees down and up to their elbows.
‘Mum, can we have a tray?’ asked Milo.
‘A tray?’
‘We found some mud behind the tank and we’ve been making pots for you and Stella. Like you showed us, with ropes, but one I made just broke and I need a tray to put it on.’
‘Mummy, look at mine.’ Saskia started to run and nearly dropped whatever she was holding, and then slowed down to a steadier pace.
Diana started laughing. ‘Give my children some mud and they know what to do with it.’
She was astonished when Stella ran past her. ‘Where is it, where’s the mud? Milo, go and find Tom. He’s inside. No, don’t, you’re too dirty. Rosie,’ she called, ‘find your father.’
Stella walked quickly to the big water tank up the hill at the back of the house. Diana, still mystified, caught up with her. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Mud! They’ve turned on the tap at the back of the tank. All the water will run out. Or there’s a leak somewhere. I hope the tank isn’t leaking.’