The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz on hand, held ainformal meetin to arrange matters so ez they wood work smooth when thecrowd finally got together. Genral Wool wuz ez gay and frisky ez thoughhe reely belonged to the last ginerashn. There wuz Custar, uv Michigan,with his hair freshly oiled and curled, and busslin about ez though hehed cheated hisself into the beleef that he reely amounted to suthin;and there wuz seventy-eight other men, who hed distinguished theirselvesin the late war, but who hed never got their deserts, ceptin by brevet,owin to the fact that the Administrashn wuz Ablishn, which they wuzn't.They were, in a pekuniary pint uv view, suthin the worse for wear, tho'why that shood hev bin the case I coodent see (they hevin bin, to analarmin extent, quarter-masters and commissaries, and in the recrootinservice), til I notist the prevailin color uv their noses, and heerd oneuv em ask his neighbor ef Cleveland wuz blest with a faro bank! Then Iknowd all about it.
There wuz another pekooliarity about it which for a time amoozed me.Them ez wuz present wuz divided into 2 classes--those ez hed binrecently appinted to posishens, and them ez expected to be shortly. Inotist on the countenances uv the first class a look uv releef, sich ezI hev seen in factories Saturday nite, after the hands wuz paid off fora hard week's work; and on the other class the most wolfish, hungry,fierce expression I hev ever witnessed. Likewise, I notist that thelatter set uv patriots talked more hefty uv the necessity uv sustaininthe policy uv our firm and noble President, and damned the Ablishunistswith more emphasis and fervency than the others.
One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quartermaster two years, andhed bin allowed to resign "jest after the battle, mother," wich, hevinhis papers all destroyed, made settlin with the government a easymatter, wuz so feroshus that I felt called upon to check him. "Gently,my frend," sed I, "gently! I hev bin thro' this thing; I hev mycommission. It broke out on me jest ez it hez on yoo; but yoo won't gityoor Assessorship a minit sooner for it."
"It ain't a Assessorship I want," sez he. "I hev devoted myself to thetask uv bindin up the wounds uv my beloved country--"
"Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin them sed wounds?"murmured I.
"An ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native village,--which I hev binsolissited so strongly to take that I hev finally yielded,--I do it onlythat I may devote my few remainin energies wholly to the great cause uvrestorin the 36 States to their normal posishens under the flag with 36stars onto it, in spite uv the Joodis Iskariots wich, ef I am whom, watis the Savior, and--and where is--"
Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into the middle uv aquotashen from the speech uv our noble and patriotic President, andknowin his intellek wuzn't hefty enough to git it off jist as it wuzoriginally delivered, I took him by the throat, and shet off the flooduv his elokence.
"Be quiet, yoo idiot!" remarked I, soothingly, to him. "Yoo'll git yourapintment, becoz, for the fust time in the history uv this or any otherRepublic, there's a market for jist sich men ez yoo; but all thisblather won't fetch it a minit sooner."
"Good Lord!" tho't I, ez I turned away, "wat a President A.J. is, to hevto buy up _sich_ cattle! Wat a postmaster he must be, whose gineralcussedness turns _my_ stummick!"
It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz compozed; whatever KernelK----, who is now Collector uv Revenue in Illinoy, asked ef there wuzary man in the room who hed bin a prizner doorin the late fratricidlestruggle. A gentleman uv, perhaps, thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hedbin taken three times, and wuz, altogether, 18 months in doorance vilein three diffrent prizns.
Custar fell on his neck, and asked him, aggitatidly, ef he wuzshoor--quite shoor, after sufferin all that, that he supported thepolicy of the President? Are you quite shoor--quite shoor?
"I am," returned the phenomenon. "I stand by Andrew Johnson and hispolicy, and I don't want no office!"
"Hev yoo got wun?" shouted they all in korus.
"Nary!" sed he. "With me it is a matter uv principle!"
"Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in?" asked I, lookin at him withwonder.
"Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas, and finally at Johnson'sIsland!"
Custar dropt him, and the rest remarked that, while they hed a veryhelthy opinion uv him, they guessed he'd better not menshen hispresence, or consider hisself a delegate. Ez ginerous foes they lovedhim ruther better than a brother; yet, as the call didn't quite incloodhim, tho' there wuz a delightful oneness between em, yet, ef 'twuz allthe same, he hed better not announce hisself. He wuz from Kentucky, Iafterwards ascertained.
The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more arriv; and the delegashensbein all in, it wuz decided to go on with the show. A big tent hed binbrought on from Boston to accommodate the expected crowd, and quite ananimated discussion arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz toockepy. This settled, the biznis wuz begun. Genral Wool wuz madetemporary Chairman, to wich honor he responded in a elokentextemporaneous speech, which he read from manuscript. General Ewing madeanother extemporaneous address, which he read from manuscript, and weadjourned for dinner.
The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately in one uv the parlorsuv the hotel. The Chairman asked who shood make speeches after dinner,wen every man uv em pulled from his right side coat pocket a roll uvmanuscript, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees wich he hedconclooded to present extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babelover, the Chairman sed he presoomed some one shood be selected toprepare a address; whereupon every delegate rose, and pulled a roll uvmanuscript from his left side coat pocket, and sed he had jotted down afew ijees on the situashn, wich he proposed to present, et settry. Thisoccasioned another shindy; wen the Chairman remarked "Resolushens," wenevery delegate rose, pulled a roll uv manuscript from his right breastcoat pocket, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, etc.
I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chaplin to the expeditionWest, when the pressure becum unendurable. They sposed I was keeper uvthe President's conscience, and I hed not a minit's peece after that. Invain I ashoored em that, there bein no consciences about the WhiteHouse, no one could hold sich a offis; in vain I ashoored em that I hedno influence with His Majesty. Two-thirds uv em pulled applicashens forplaces they wanted from the left breast coat pocket, and insistid on mytakin em, and seem that they was appinted. I told em that I cood donuthin for em; but they laft me to skorn. "You are jist the style uvman," said they, "who hez inflooence with His Eggslency, and yoo must doit." Hemmed in, there wuz but one way uv escape, and that way I took.Seezin a carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a delegate (I tookit to give myself the look of a traveler), I rushed to the depot, andstartid home, entirely satisfied that ef Cleveland may be taken as asample, the less His Majesty depends on soljers, the better.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise lateChaplain to the expedishn.
P.S.--I opened the carpet sack on the train, spectin to find a cleanshirt in it, at least. It contained, to my disgust, an address to beread before the Cleveland Convention, a set uv resolutions, a speech,and a petition uv the proprietor thereof for a collectorship, signed byeight hundred names, and a copy uv the Indiana State Directory for 1864.The names wuz in one hand-writin, and wuz arranged alphabetically.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY.
FAMILIAR AUTHORS AT WORK
BY HAYDEN CARRUTH
MISS TRIPP
Miss Tripp for years has lived alone, Without display or fuss or pother. The house she dwells in is her own-- She got it from her dying father.
Miss T. delights in all good works, She goes to church three times on Sunday, Her daily duty never shirks, Nor keeps her goodness for this one day.
She loves to bake and knit and sew, For wider fields she doesn't hanker; Yet for the things they have I know A-many poor folk have to thank her.
The simple life she truly leads, She loves her small domestic labors; In spring she plants her garden seeds And shares the product with her neighbors.
CAPTAIN BROWN
Bluff Captain Brown is somewhat queer, But of the sea he's very knowing. I scarcely meet him once a year-- He's off in search of whales a-blowing.
For fifty years--perhaps for more-- He's sailed about upon the ocean. He thinks that if he lived ashore He'd die. But this is just a notion.
Still when the Captain comes to port With barrels of oil from whales caught napping, He'll pace the deck, and loudly snort, "This land air is my strength a-sapping.
"I call this living on hard terms; I wish that I had never seen land; I wish I were a-chasing sperms Abaft the nor'east coast of Greenland."
Yet on his latest cruise, 'tween whales The Captain wrote a book most charming. It's called--and it is having sales-- "Some Practical Advice on Farming."
T.H. SMITH
Tom Henry Smith I long have known Although he really is a hermit-- At least, Tom Henry lives alone, And that's what people always term it.
Tom Henry never is annoyed By fashion's change. He wears a collar Constructed out of celluloid. His hats ne'er cost above a dollar.
Tom loves about his room to mess, And cook a sausage at the fireplace. It doesn't serve to help his dress-- Grease spatters over the entire place.
Tom Henry likes to read a book, And writes a little for the papers, But scarcely ever leaves his nook, And takes no part in social capers.
Now Tom has penned a book himself. I hope he'll never feel compunctions! Its title is--it's on my shelf-- "Pink Teas and Other Social Functions."
RUTH JONES
I've found the Joneses pleasant folk-- I've watched them all their children fetch up. Jones loves to have a quiet smoke-- _She's_ famous for tomato catchup.
Ruth is their eldest--now fifteen, A tallish girl with pleasing features. Each school-day morn she can be seen As she trips by to meet her teachers.
A serious-minded miss, you'd say, Not given much to school-girl follies. She still sometimes will slip away To spend a half-hour with her dollies.
She's learned to sweep, to sew, to bake-- She's quite a helpmate to her mother. On Saturday she loves to take The go-cart out with little brother.
At writing now she bids for fame-- Her book a great success is reckoned. "By Right of Flashing Sword," its name, A strong romance of James the Second.
THE LOST WORD
BY JOHN PAUL
Seated one day at the typewriter, I was weary of a's and e's, And my fingers wandered wildly, Over the consonant keys.
I know not what I was writing, With that thing so like a pen; But I struck one word astounding-- Unknown to the speech of men.
It flooded the sense of my verses, Like the break of a tinker's dam, And I felt as one feels when the printer Of your "infinite calm" makes clam.
It mixed up s's and x's Like an alphabet coming to strife. It seemed the discordant echo Of a row between husband and wife.
It brought a perplexed meaning Into my perfect piece, And set the machinery creaking As though it were scant of grease.
I have tried, but I try it vainly, The one last word to divine Which came from the keys of my typewriter And so would pass as mine.
It may be some other typewriter Will produce that word again, It may be, but only for others-- _I_ shall write henceforth with a pen.
THE DUTCHMAN WHO HAD THE "SMALL POX"
BY HENRY P. LELAND
Very dry, indeed, is the drive from Blackberry to Squash Point,--dryeven for New Jersey; and when you remember that it's fifty miles betweenthe two towns, its division into five drinks seems very natural. Whenyou are packed, three on one narrow seat, in a Jersey stage, it isnecessary.
A Jersey stage! It is not on record, but when Dante winds up his Tenth"Canter" into the Inferno with--
Each, as his back was laden, came indeed Or more or less contracted; and it seemed As he who showed most patience in his look, Wailing, exclaimed, "I can endure no more!"
the conclusion that he alluded to a crowded Jersey stage-load isirresistible. A man with long legs, on a back seat, in one of thesevehicles, suffers like a snipe shut up in a snuff-box. For this reason,the long-legged man should sit on the front seat with the driver; there,like the hen-turkey who tried to sit on a hundred eggs, he can "spreadhimself." The writer sat alongside the driver one morning, just at breakof day, as the stage drove out of Blackberry: he was a through passengerto Squash Point. It was a very cold morning. In order to break the icefor a conversation, he praised the fine points of an off horse. Thedriver thawed:
"Ya-as; she's a goot hoss, und I knows how to trive him!" It wasevidently a case of mixed breed.
"Where is Wood, who used to drive this stage?"
"He be's lait up mit ter rummatiz sence yesterweek, und I trives forhim. So--" I went on reading a newspaper: a fellow-passenger, on a backseat, not having the fear of murdered English on his hands, coaxed theDutch driver into a long conversation, much to the delight of a verypretty Jersey-blue belle, who laughed so merrily that it was contagious;and in a few minutes, from being like unto a conventicle, we were all aswide awake as one of Christy's audiences. By sunrise we were inexcellent spirits, up to all sorts of fun; and when, a little later on,our stage stopped at the first watering-place, the driver found himselfthe center of a group of treaters to the distilled "juice of apples." Itis just as easy to say "apple-jack," and be done with it; but thewriter, being very anxious to form a style, cribs from all quarters. Theso oft-repeated expression "juice of the grape" has been for a long timeon his hands, and, wishing to work it up, he would have done it in thiscase, only he fears the skepticism of his readers. By courtesy, they maywink at the poetical license of a reporter of a public dinner who callsturnip-juice and painted whisky "juice of the grape," but they would notallow the existence, for one minute, of such application to the liquorsof a Jersey tavern. It's out of place.
"Here's a package to leave at Mr. Scudder's, the third house on theleft-hand side after you get into Jericho. What do you charge?" asked aman who seemed to know the driver.
"Pout a leffy," answered he. Receiving the silver, he gathered up thereins, and put the square package in the stage-box. Just as he startedthe horses, he leaned his head out of the stage, and, looking back tothe man who gave him the package, shouted out the question:
"Ter fird haus on ter lef hant out of Yeriko?" The man didn't hear him,but the driver was satisfied. On we went at a pretty good rate,considering how heavy the roads were. Another tavern, more watering,more apple-jack. Another long stretch of sand, and we were coming intoJericho.
"Anypotty know ter Miss Scutter haus?" asked the driver, bracing hisfeet on the mail-bag which lay in front of him, and screwing his headround so as to face in. There seemed to be a consultation going oninside the stage.
"I don't know nobody o' that name in Jericho. Do you, Lishe?" asked aweather-beaten-looking man, who evidently "went by water," of anotherone who apparently went the same way.
"There wos ole Square Gow's da'ter, she marri'd a Scudder; moved up heresome two years back. Come to think on't, guess she lives nigher toGlass-house," answered Lishe.
The driver, finding he could get no light out of the passengers, seeinga tall, raw-boned woman washing some clothes in front of a house, andwho flew out of sight as the stage flew in, handed me the reins as hejumped from his seat and chased the fugitive, hallooing,--
"I'fe got der small pox, I'fe got der--" Here his voice was lost as hedashed into the open door of the house. But in a minute he reappeared,followed by a broom with an enraged woman annexed, a
nd a loud voiceshouting out,--
"You git out of this! Clear yourself, quicker! I ain't goin' to have youdiseasin' honest folks, ef you have got the smallpox."
"I dells you I'fe got der small pox. Ton't you versteh? der SMALL POX!"This time he shouted it out in capital letters!
"Clear out! I'll call the men-folks ef you don't clear;" and at once sheshouted, in a tip-top voice, "Ike, you Ike, where air you?"
Ike made his appearance on the full run.
"W-w-what's the matter, mother?"--_Miss_ Scudder his mother! I shouldhave been shocked, as I was on my first visit to New Jersey, if I hadnot had a key to this. "That is a very pretty girl," I said on thatoccasion to a Jersey-man; "who is she?"--"She's old _Miss_ Perrine'sda'ter," was the reply. I looked at the innocent victim of man'scriminal conduct with commiseration. "What a pity!" I remarked.
"Not such a very great pity," said Jersey, eying me very severely. "Ireckon old man Perrine's got as big a cedar-swamp as you, or I either,would like to own."
"Her grandfather you speak of?"
"No, I don't: I'm talking 'bout her father,--he that married Abe Simm'sda'ter and got a power of land by it; and that gal, their da'ter, one ofthese days will step right into them swamps."
"Oh," I replied, "_Mrs._ Perrine's daughter," accenting the "Missis!"
"Mussus or Miss, it's all the same in Jersey," he answered.
Knowing this, Ike's appeal was intelligible. To proceed with our story,the driver, very angry by this time, shouted,--
The Wit and Humor of America, Volume II. (of X.) Page 6