He stopped a moment or two to catch breath. Then he got mad. He run hisfingers through his hair, he shoved up his sleeve, he opened hiscoat-tails a leetle further, he drug up his stool, he leaned over, and,sir, he just went for that old pianner. He slapped her face, he boxedher jaws, he pulled her nose, he pinched her ears, and he scratched hercheeks, until she fairly yelled. He knocked her down and he stamped onher shameful. She bellowed like a bull, she bleated like a calf, shehowled like a hound, she squealed like a pig, she shrieked like a rat,and _then_ he wouldn't let her up. He run a quarter stretch down the lowgrounds of the base, till he got clean in the bowels of the earth, andyou heard thunder galloping after thunder through the hollows and cavesof perdition; and then he fox-chased his right hand with his left tillhe got 'way out of the treble into the clouds, whar the notes was finerthan the p'ints of cambric needles, and you couldn't hear nothin' butthe shadders of 'em. And _then_ he wouldn't let the old pianner go. Hefor'ard two'd, he crost over first gentleman, he chassade right andleft, back to your places, he all hands'd aroun', ladies to the right,promenade all, in and out, here and there, back and forth, up and down,perpetual motion, double twisted and turned and tacked and tangled intoforty-eleven thousand double bow-knots.
By jinks! it was a mixtery. And then he wouldn't let the old pianner go.He fetcht up his right wing, he fetcht up his left wing, he fetcht uphis center, he fetcht up his reserves. He fired by file, he fired byplatoons, by company, by regiments, and by brigades. He opened hiscannon,--siege-guns down thar, Napoleons here, twelve-poundersyonder,--big guns, little guns, middle-sized guns, round shot, shells,shrapnels, grape, canister, mortar, mines and magazines, every livin'battery and bomb a-goin' at the same time. The house trembled, thelights danced, the walls shuk, the floor come up, the ceilin' come down,the sky split, the ground rocked--heavens and earth, creation, sweetpotatoes, Moses, ninepences, glory, tenpenny nails, Samson in a'simmon-tree, Tump Tompson in a tumbler-cart, roodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-ruddle-uddle-uddle-uddle--raddle-addle-eedle--riddle-iddle-iddle-iddle--reedle-eedle-eedle-eedle--p-r-r-r-rlank! Bang!!! lang! perlang!p-r-r-r-r-r!! Bang!!!!
With that bang! he lifted himself bodily into the a'r, and he come downwith his knees, his ten fingers, his ten toes, his elbows, and his nose,striking every single solitary key on the pianner at the same time. Thething busted and went off into seventeen hundred and fifty-seventhousand five hundred and forty-two hemi-demi-semi-quivers, and I know'dno mo'.
When I come to, I were under ground about twenty foot, in a place theycall Oyster Bay, treatin' a Yankee that I never laid eyes on before andnever expect to ag'in. Day was breakin' by the time I got to the St.Nicholas Hotel, and I pledge you my word I did not know my name. The manasked me the number of my room, and I told him, "Hot music on thehalf-shell for two!"
PLAGIARISM
BY JOHN B. TABB
If Poe from Pike The Raven stole, As his accusers say, Then to embody Adam's soul, God _plagiarised_ the clay.
GO LIGHTLY, GAL
(THE CAKE-WALK)
BY ANNE VIRGINIA CULBERTSON
Sweetes' li'l honey in all dis lan', Come erlong yer an' gimme yo' han', Go lightly, gal, go lightly! Cawn all shucked an' de barn flo' clear, Come erlong, come erlong, come erlong, my dear, Go lightly, gal, go lightly!
Fiddles dey callin' us high an' fine, "Time fer de darnsin', come an' jine," Go lightly, gal, go lightly! My pooty li'l honey, but you is sweet! An' hit's clap yo' han's an' shake yo' feet, Go lightly, gal, go lightly!
Hit's cut yo' capers all down de line, Den mek yo' manners an' tiptoe fine, Go lightly, gal, go lightly! Oh, hit's whu'll yo' pardners roun' an' roun', Twel you hyst dey feet clean off de groun', Go lightly, gal, go lightly!
Oh, hit's tu'n an' twis' all roun' de flo', Fling out yo' feet behime, befo', Go lightly, gal, go lightly! Gre't Lan' o' Goshen! but you is spry! Kain't none er de urr gals spring so high, Go lightly, gal, go lightly!
Oh, roll yo' eyes an' wag yo' haid An' shake yo' bones twel you nigh most daid, Go lightly, gal, go lightly! Doan' talk ter me 'bout gittin' yo' bref, Gwine darnse dis out ef hit cause my def! Go lightly, gal, go lightly!
Um-humph! done darnse all de urr folks down! Skip erlong, honey, jes' one mo' roun'! Go lightly, gal, go lightly! Fiddles done played twel de strings all break! Come erlong, honey, jes' one mo' shake, Go lightly, gal, go lightly!
Now teck my arm an' perawd all roun', So dey see whar de _sho'-nuff_ darnsers foun', Go lightly, gal, go lightly! Den gimme yo' han' an' we quit dish yer, Come erlong, come erlong, come erlong, my dear, Go lightly, gal, go lightly!
THE GOLFER'S RUBAIYAT[1]
BY H.W. BOYNTON
Wake! for the sun has driven in equal flight The stars before him from the Tee of Night, And holed them every one without a miss, Swinging at ease his gold-shod Shaft of Light.
Now the fresh Year, reviving old Desires, The thoughtful Soul to Solitude retires, Pores on this Club and That with anxious eye, And dreams of Rounds beyond the Rounds of Liars.
Come, choose your ball, and in the Fire of Spring Your Red Coat, and your wooden Putter fling; The Club of Time has but a little while To waggle, and the Club is on the swing.
Whether at Musselburgh or Shinnecock, In motley Hose or humbler motley Sock, The Cup of Life is ebbing Drop by Drop, Whether the Cup be filled with Scotch or Bock.
A Bag of Clubs, a Silver-Town or two, A Flask of Scotch, a Pipe of Shag--and Thou Beside me caddying in the Wilderness-- Ah, Wilderness were Paradise enow.
They say the Female and the Duffer strut On sacred Greens where Morris used to put; Himself a natural Hazard now, alas! That nice hand quiet now, that great Eye shut.
I sometimes think that never springs so green The Turf as where some Good Fellow has been, And every emerald Stretch the Fair Green shows His kindly Tread has known, his sure Play seen.
Myself when young did eagerly frequent Jamie and His, and heard great argument Of Grip and Stance and Swing; but evermore Found at the Exit but a Dollar spent.
With them the seed of Wisdom did I sow, And with mine own hand sought to make it grow; And this was all the Harvest that I reaped: "You hold it This Way, and you swing it So."
The swinging Brassie strikes; and, having struck, Moves on: nor all your Wit or future Luck Shall lure it back to cancel half a Stroke, Nor from the Card a single Seven pluck.
And that inverted Ball they call the High-- By which the Duffer thinks to live or die, Lift not your hands to IT for help, for it As impotently froths as you or I.
Yon rising Moon that leads us Home again, How oft hereafter will she wax and wane; How oft hereafter rising wait for us At this same Turning--and for One in vain.
And when, like her, my Golfer, I have been And am no more above the pleasant Green, And you in your mild Journey pass the Hole I made in One--ah! pay my Forfeit then!
[Footnote 1: By permission of Fox, Duffield and Company. From _TheGolfer's Rubaiyat_. Copyright, 1901, by Herbert S. Stone and Company.]
MR. DOOLEY ON REFORM CANDIDATES
BY FINLEY PETER DUNNE
"That frind iv ye'ers, Dugan, is an intilligent man," said Mr. Dooley."All he needs is an index an' a few illusthrations to make him abicyclopedja iv useless information."
"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, judiciously, "he ain't no Soc-rates an' heain't no answers-to-questions colum; but he's a good man that goes tohis jooty, an' as handy with a pick as some people are with a cocktailspoon. What's he been doin' again ye?"
"Nawthin'," said Mr. Dooley, "but he was in here Choosday. 'Did yevote?' says I. 'I did,' says he. 'Which wan iv th' distinguishe
d bunkosteerers got ye'er invalu'ble suffrage?' says I. 'I didn't have nonewith me,' says he, 'but I voted f'r Charter Haitch,' says he. 'I've beenwith him in six ilictions,' says he, 'an' he's a good man,' he says.'D'ye think ye're votin' f'r th' best?' says I. 'Why, man alive,' Isays, 'Charter Haitch was assassinated three years ago,' I says. 'Washe?' says Dugan. 'Ah, well, he's lived that down be this time. He was agood man,' he says.
"Ye see, that's what thim rayform lads wint up again. If I likedrayformers, Hinnissy, an' wanted f'r to see thim win out wanst in theirlifetime, I'd buy thim each a suit iv chilled steel, ar-rm thim withraypeatin' rifles, an' take thim east iv State Sthreet an' south ivJackson Bullyvard. At prisint th' opinion that pre-vails in th' ranksiv th' gloryous ar-rmy iv ray-form is that there ain't anny-thing worthseein' in this lar-rge an' commodyous desert but th' pest-house an' thebridewell. Me frind Willum J. O'Brien is no rayformer. But Willum J.undherstands that there's a few hundherds iv thousands iv people livin'in a part iv th' town that looks like nawthin' but smoke fr'm th' roofiv th' Onion League Club that have on'y two pleasures in life, towur-ruk an' to vote, both iv which they do at th' uniform rate iv wandollar an' a half a day. That's why Willum J. O'Brien is now a sinitoran' will be an aldherman afther next Thursdah, an' it's why other peopleare sinding him flowers.
"This is th' way a rayform candydate is ilicted. Th' boys down town hasheerd that things ain't goin' r-right somehow. Franchises is bein'handed out to none iv thim; an' wanst in a while a mimber iv th' club,comin' home a little late an' thryin' to riconcile a pair iv r-roundfeet with an embroidered sidewalk, meets a sthrong ar-rm boy that pushesin his face an' takes away all his marbles. It begins to be talked thatth' time has come f'r good citizens f'r to brace up an' do somethin',an' they agree to nomynate a candydate f'r aldherman. 'Who'll we putup?' says they. 'How's Clarence Doolittle?' says wan. 'He's laid up witha coupon thumb, an' can't r-run.' 'An' how about Arthur Doheny?' 'Iswore an oath whin I came out iv colledge I'd niver vote f'r a man thatwore a made tie.' 'Well, thin, let's thry Willie Boye.' 'Good,' says th'comity. 'He's jus' th' man f'r our money.' An' Willie Boye, afterthinkin' it over, goes to his tailor an' ordhers three dozen pairs ivpants, an' decides f'r to be th' sthandard-bearer iv th' people. Musin'over his fried eyesthers an' asparagus an' his champagne, he bets a polopony again a box of golf-balls he'll be ilicted unanimous; an' all th'good citizens make a vow f'r to set th' alar-rm clock f'r half-pastthree on th' afthernoon iv iliction day, so's to be up in time to votef'r th' riprisintitive iv pure gover'mint.
"'Tis some time befure they comprehind that there ar-re other candydatesin th' field. But th' other candydates know it. Th' sthrongest ivthim--his name is Flannigan, an' he's a re-tail dealer in wines an'liquors, an' he lives over his establishment. Flannigan was nomynatedenthusyastically at a prim'ry held in his bar-rn; an' befure Willie Boyehad picked out pants that wud match th' color iv th' Austhreelyan ballotthis here Flannigan had put a man on th' day watch, tol' him to speakgently to anny raygistered voter that wint to sleep behind th' sthove,an' was out that night visitin' his frinds. Who was it judged th' cakewalk? Flannigan. Who was it carrid th' pall? Flannigan. Who was it sthudup at th' christening? Flannigan. Whose ca-ards did th' grievin' widow,th' blushin' bridegroom, or th' happy father find in th' hack?Flannigan's. Ye bet ye'er life. Ye see Flannigan wasn't out f'r th' goodiv th' community. Flannigan was out f'r Flannigan an' th' stuff.
"Well, iliction day come around; an' all th' imminent frinds iv goodgover'mint had special wires sthrung into th' club, an' waited f'r th'returns. Th' first precin't showed 28 votes f'r Willie Boye to 14 f'rFlannigan. 'That's my precin't,' says Willie. 'I wondher who voted thimfourteen?' 'Coachmen,' says Clarence Doolittle. 'There are thirty-fiveprecin'ts in this ward,' says th' leader iv th' rayform ilimint. 'Atthis rate, I'm sure iv 440 meejority. Gossoon,' he says, 'put a keg ivsherry wine on th' ice,' he says. 'Well,' he says, 'at last th'community is relieved fr'm misrule,' he says. 'To-morrah I will start inarrangin' amindmints to th' tariff schedool an' th' ar-bitrationthreety,' he says. 'We must be up an' doin',' he says. 'Hol' on there,'says wan iv th' comity. 'There must be some mistake in this fr'm th'sixth precin't,' he says. 'Where's the sixth precin't?' says Clarence.'Over be th' dumps,' says Willie. 'I told me futman to see to that. Helives at th' cor-ner iv Desplaines an' Bloo Island Av'noo on Goose'sIsland,' he says. 'What does it show?' 'Flannigan, three hundherd an'eighty-five; Hansen, forty-eight; Schwartz, twinty; O'Malley, sivinteen;Casey, ten; O'Day, eight; Larsen, five; O'Rourke, three; Mulcahy, two;Schmitt, two; Moloney, two; Riordon, two; O'Malley, two; Willie Boye,wan.' 'Gintlemin,' says Willie Boye, arisin' with a stern look in hiseyes, 'th' rascal has bethrayed me. Waither, take th' sherry wine offth' ice. They'se no hope f'r sound financial legislation this year. I'mgoin' home.'
"An', as he goes down th' sthreet, he hears a band play an' sees aprocission headed be a calceem light; an', in a carredge, with his plughat in his hand an' his di'mond makin' th' calceem look like a piece ivpunk in a smokehouse, is Flannigan, payin' his first visit this side ivth' thracks."
AN EVENING MUSICALE
BY MAY ISABEL FISK
Scene--_A conventional, but rather over-decorated, drawing-room. Grandpiano drawn conspicuously to center of floor. Rows of camp-chairs. It isten minutes before the hour of invitation._ The Hostess, _a large woman,is costumed in yellow satin, embroidered in spangles. Her diamonds aremany and of large size. She is seated on the extreme edge of a chair,struggling with a pair of very long gloves. She looks flurried andanxious._ Poor Relative, _invited as a "great treat," sits opposite. Herexpression is timid and apprehensive. They are the only occupants of theroom._
HOSTESS--No such thing, Maria. You look all right. Plain black is alwaysvery genteel. Nothing I like so well for evening, myself. Just keep yourface to the wall as much as you can, and the worn places will nevershow. You can take my ecru lace scarf, if you wish, and that will covermost of the spots. I don't mean my new scarf--the one I got two yearsago. It's a little torn, but it won't matter--for you. I think you willfind it on the top shelf of the store-room closet on the third floor. Ifyou put a chair on one of the trunks, you can easily reach it. Just waita minute, till I get these gloves on; I want you to button them. I dohope I haven't forgotten anything. Baron von Gosheimer has promised tocome. I have told everybody. It would be terrible if he shoulddisappoint me.
MASCULINE VOICE FROM ABOVE--Sarah, where the devil have you put myshirts? Everything is upside down in my room, and I can't find them. Ipulled every blessed thing out of the chiffonier and wardrobe, andthey're not there!
HOSTESS--Oh, Henry! You _must_ hurry--I'm going to use your room for thegentlemen's dressing-room, and it's time now for people to come. You_must_ hurry.
HOST (_from above, just as front door opens, admitting_ Baron vonGosheimer _and two women guests_)--Where the devil are my shirts?
HOSTESS (_unconscious of arrivals_)--Under the bed in my room. Hurry!
(HOST, _in bath gown and slippers, dashes madly into wife's room, anddives under bed as women guests enter. Unable to escape, he crawlsfarther beneath bed. His feet remain visible. Women guests discoverthem._)
GUESTS (_in chorus_)--Burglars! burglars! Help! help!
(Baron von Gosheimer, _ascending to the next floor, hears them andhastens to the rescue._)
BARON--Don't be alarmed, ladies. Has either of you a poker? No? That isto be deplored. (_Catches_ Host _by heels and drags him out. Tableau._)
HOSTESS (to Poor Relative, _giving an extra tug at her gloves_)--There,it's all burst out on the side! That stupid saleslady said she knew theywould be too small. Oh, dear, I'm that upset! And these Louis Quinzeslippers are just murdering me. I wish it were all over.
(_Enter_ Baron von Gosheimer _and women guests._)
HOSTESS--Dear baron, how good of you! I was just saying, if you didn'tcome I should wish my musicale in Jericho. And, now that you are here, Idon't care if any one else comes or not. (_To women guests._) How d'yedo? I must apologize for Mr. Smyt
he--he's been detained down-town. Hejust telephoned me. He'll be in later. Do sit down; it's just as cheapas standing, I always say, and it does save your feet. You ladies canfind seats over in the corner. (_Detaining_ Baron.) Dear baron--(_Enterguests._)
GUEST--So glad you have a clear evening. Now, when _we_ gave _our_affair, it _poured_. Of course, _we_ had a crowd, just the same. People_always_ come to _us_, whether it rains or not. (_Takes a seat. Guestsbegin to arrive in numbers._)
HOSTESS--So sweet of you to come!
GUEST--So glad you have a pleasant evening. I am sure to have a badnight whenever I entertain--
HOSTESS--(_to another guest_)--So delightful of you to come!
GUEST--Such a perfect evening! I'm _so_ glad. I said as we started out,"Now, this time, Mrs. Smythe can't help but have plenty of people.Whenever I entertain, it's sure to--" (_More guests._)
(_Telegram arrives, announcing that the prima donna has a sore throat,and will be unable to come. Time passes._)
MALE GUEST (_to another_)--Well, I wish to heaven, something would bedoing soon. This is the deadest affair I was ever up against.
OMNIPRESENT JOKER (_greeting acquaintance_)--Hello, old man!--going tosing to-night?
ACQUAINTANCE--Oh, yes, going to sing a solo.
JOKER--So low you can't hear it? Ha, ha! (_Guests near by groan._)
VOICE (_overheard_)--Madame Cully? My dear, she always tells you thatyou haven't half enough material, and makes you get yards more. Besides,she never sends your pieces back, though I have--
The Wit and Humor of America, Volume II. (of X.) Page 8