"RINGWORM FRANK"
BY JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY
Jest Frank Reed's his _real_ name--though Boys all calls him "Ringworm Frank," 'Cause he allus _runs round_ so.-- No man can't tell where to bank _Frank_'ll be, Next you see Er _hear_ of him!--Drat his melts!-- That man's allus _somers else_!
We're old pards.--But Frank he jest _Can't_ stay still!--Wuz _prosper'n here_, But lit out on furder West Somers on a ranch, last year: Never heard Nary a word _How_ he liked it, tel to-day, Got this card, reads thisaway:--
"Dad-burn climate out here makes Me homesick all Winter long, And when Springtime _comes_, it takes Two pee-wees to sing one song,-- One sings '_pee_' And the other one '_wee_!' Stay right where you air, old pard.-- Wisht _I_ wuz this postal-card!"
THE COLONEL'S CLOTHES
BY CAROLINE HOWARD GILMAN
Every man has some peculiar taste or preference, and, I think, thoughpapa dressed with great elegance, his was a decided love of his oldclothes; his garments, like his friends, became dearer to him from theirwear and tear in his service, and they were deposited successively inhis dressing-room, though mamma thought them quite unfit for him. Heaverred that he required his old hunting-suits for accidents; his summerjackets and vests, though faded, were the coolest in the world; hisworm-eaten but warm _roquelaure_ was admirable for riding about thefields, etc. In vain mamma represented the economy of cutting up somefor the boys, and giving others to the servants; he would not consent,nor part with articles in which he said he felt at home. Often did mammaremonstrate against the dressing-room's looking like a haberdasher'sshop; often did she take down a coat, hold it up to the light, and showhim perforations that would have honored New Orleans or Waterloo; often,while Chloe was flogging the pantaloons, which ungallantly kicked inreturn, did she declare that it was a sin and a shame for her master tohave such things in the house; still the anti-cherubic shapesaccumulated on the nails and hooks, and were even considered as ofsufficient importance to be preserved from the fire at the burning ofRoseland.
Our little circle about this time was animated by a visit from apeddler. As soon as he was perceived crossing the lawn with a largebasket on his arm, and a bundle slung across a stick on his shoulder, astir commenced in the house. Mamma assumed an air of importance andresponsibility; I felt a pleasurable excitement; Chloe's and Flora'seyes twinkled with expectation; while, from different quarters, thehouse servants entered, standing with eyes and mouth silently open, asthe peddler, after depositing his basket and deliberately untying hisbundle, offered his goods to our inspection. He was a stout man, with adark complexion, pitted with the small-pox, and spoke in a foreignaccent. I confess that I yielded myself to the pleasure of purchasingsome gewgaws, which I afterward gave to Flora, while mamma looked at theglass and plated ware.
"Ver sheap," said the peddler, following her eye, and taking up a pairof glass pitchers; "only two dollar--sheap as dirt. If te lady hash anyold closhes, it is petter as money."
Mamma took the pitchers in her hand with an inquisitorial air, balancedthem, knocked them with her small knuckles--they rang as clear as abell--examined the glass--there was not a flaw in it. Chloe went throughthe same process; they looked significantly at each other, nodded, setthe pitchers on the slab, and gave a little approbatory cough.
"They are certainly very cheap," said mamma, tentatively.
"They is, for true, my mistress," said Chloe, with solemnity, "and morehandsomer than Mrs. Whitney's that she gin six dollars for atCharleston."
"Chloe," said mamma, "were not those pantaloons you were shaking to-dayquite shrunk and worn out?"
"Yes, ma'am," said she; "and they don't fit nohow. The last time thecolonel wore them he seemed quite _on-restless_."
"Just step up," said her mistress, "and bring them down; but stay--whatdid you say was the price of these candlesticks, sir?"
"Tish only von dollars; but tish more cheaper for te old closhes. If telady will get te old closhes, I will put in te pellows and te prush, andit ish more sheaper, too."
Chloe and mamma looked at each other, and raised their eyebrows.
"I will just step up and see those pantaloons," said mamma, in aconsulting tone. "It will be a mercy to the colonel to clear out some ofthat rubbish. I am confident he can never wear the pantaloons again;they are rubbed in the knees, and require seating, and he never _will_wear seated pantaloons. These things are unusually cheap, and thecolonel told me lately we were in want of a few little matters of thissort." Thus saying, with a significant whisper to me to watch thepeddler, she disappeared with Chloe.
They soon returned, Chloe bearing a variety of garments, for mamma hadtaken the important _premier pas_. The pantaloons were first produced.The peddler took them in his hand, which flew up like an empty scale, toshow how light they were; he held them up to the sun, and a halfcontemptuous smile crossed his lips; then shaking his head, he threwthem down beside his basket. A drab overcoat was next inspected, and wasalso thrown aside with a doubtful expression.
"Mr. Peddler," said mamma, in a very soft tone, "you must allow me afair price; these are very excellent articles."
"Oh, ver fair," said he, "but te closhes ish not ver goot; tecloshesman is not going to give me noting for dish," and he laid awaistcoat on the other two articles.
Mamma and Chloe had by this time reached the depths of the basket, and,with sympathetic exclamations, arranged several articles on the slab.
"You will let me have these pitchers," said mamma, with a look ofconcentrated resolution, "for that very nice pair of pantaloons."
The peddler gave a short whistle expressive of contempt, shook his head,and said, "Tish not possibles. I will give two pishers and von prush forte pantaloon and waistcoat."
Mamma and Chloe glanced at each other and at me; I was absorbed in myown bargains, and said, carelessly, that the pitchers were perfectbeauties. Chloe pushed one pitcher a little forward, mamma pushed theother on a parallel line, then poised a decanter, and again applied herdelicate knuckles for the test. That, too, rang out the musical,unbroken sound, so dear to the housewife's ear, and, with a pair ofplated candlesticks, was deposited on the table. The peddler took up thedrab overcoat.
"Te closhesman's give noting for dish."
Mamma looked disconcerted. The expression of her face implied the fearthat the peddler would not even accept it as a gift. Chloe and she helda whispering consultation. At this moment Binah came in with littlePatsey, who, seeing the articles on the slab, pointed with her dimpledfingers, and said her only words,
"Pretty! pretty!"
At the same moment, Lafayette and Venus, the two little novices infurniture-rubbing, exclaimed,
"Ki! if dem ting an't shine too much!"
These opinions made the turning-point in mamma's mind, though comingfrom such insignificant sources.
"So they are pretty, my darling," said mamma to Patsey; and then,turning to the peddler, she asked him what he would give in exchange forthe pantaloons, the waistcoat and the coat.
The peddler set aside two decanters, one pitcher, the platedcandlesticks, and a hearth-brush.
"Tish ver goot pargains for te lady," said he.
Mamma gained courage.
"I can not think of letting you have all these things without somethingmore. You must at least throw in that little tray," and she looked at asmall scarlet one, worth perhaps a quarter of a dollar.
The peddler hesitated, and held it up so that the morning sun shone onits bright hues.
"I shall not make a bargain without _that_," said mamma, resolutely. Thepeddler sighed, and laying it with the selected articles said:
"Tish ver great pargains for te lady."
Mamma smiled triumphantly, and the peddler, tying up his bundle andslinging his stick, departed with an air of humility.
Papa's voice was soon heard, as usual, before he was seen.
"Rub down Beauty, Mark, and tell Diggory to call out the hounds."
There was a slight embarrassment in mamma's manner when he entered,mingled with the same quantity of bravado. He nodded to her, tapped meon the head with his riding-whip, gave Patsey a kiss as she stretchedout her arms to him, tossed her in the air, and, returning her to hernurse, was passing on.
"Do stop, Colonel," said mamma, "and admire my bargains. See this cutglass and plate that we have been wishing for, to save our best set."
"What, this trash?" said he, pausing a moment at the table--"blown glassand washed brass! Who has been fooling you?"
"Colonel," said mamma, coloring highly, "how can you--"
"I can not stop a minute, now, wife," said he, "Jones and Ferguson arefor a hunt to-day! They are waiting at Drake's corner. It looks likefalling weather and my old drab will come in well to-day."
Mamma looked frightened, and he passed on up-stairs. He was one of thosegentlemen who keep a house alive, as the phrase is, whether in merrimentor the contrary, and we were always prepared to search for his hat, orwhip, or slippers, which he was confident he put in their places, butwhich, by some miracle, were often in opposite directions. Our greatesttrial, however, was with mamma's and his spectacles, for they had fourpairs between them--far-sighted and near-sighted. There were, indeed,_optical_ delusions practiced with them; for when papa wanted his, theywere hidden behind some pickle-jar; and when mamma had carefully placedhers in her key-basket, they were generally found in one of papa'svarious pockets; when a distant object was to be seen, he was sure tomount the near-sighted, and cry "Pshaw!" and if a splinter was to betaken out, nothing could be found but the far-sighted ones, and he saidsomething worse: sometimes all four pairs were missing, and such ascampering ensued!
We now heard a great outcry up-stairs. "Wife! Chloe! Cornelia! come andfind my drab coat!" We looked at each other in dismay, but papa was nota man for delay, and we obeyed his summons.
"Wife," said he, beating aside the externals of man that hung about hisdressing-room, "where is my old drab coat?"
Mamma swallowed as if a dry artichoke was in her throat, as she said,slowly, "Why, colonel, you know you had not worn that coat for months,and as you have another one, and a _roquelaure_, and the coat was fullof moth-holes, I exchanged it with the peddler for cut glass and plate."
"Cut devils!" said papa, who liked to soften an oath by combinations;"it was worth twenty dollars--yes, more, because I felt at home in it. Ihate new coats as I do--"
"But, colonel," interrupted mamma, "you did not see the scarlet tray,and the--"
"Scarlet nonsense," shouted papa; "I believe, if they could, women wouldsell their husbands to those rascally peddlers!"
Beauty and the hounds were now pronounced ready. I followed papa to thepiazza, and heard his wrath rolling off as he cantered away.
_HERE'S A MERRY BOOK BY A MERRY MAN_
THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE STREET
By MARSHALL P. WILDER
_Author of "Smiling 'Round the World"._
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_12mo, Cloth. Humorous Pen-and-Ink Sketches by Bart Haley. Frontispiece Portrait of Mr. Wilder. Price, $1.20._
FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, PublishersNEW YORK AND LONDON
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SMILING 'ROUND THE WORLD
By MARSHALL P. WILDER
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FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, PublishersNEW YORK AND LONDON
[Transcriber's Note: The Table of Contents in the print edition listsJohn Boyle O'Reilly's work entitled "A Disappointment" as being onpage 191. It is indeed on this page, but in Volume I, so has beenremoved Volume II's Table of Contents here.]
The Wit and Humor of America, Volume II. (of X.) Page 14