by Gina Azzi
"I want to explain everything to you. No secrets, no lies. I'm just going to put everything out on the table, and you can decide for yourself if you believe me or not, or if you never want to see me again. Alright?" He clasps his hands in front of him and looks at me earnestly, his green eyes darkening with emotion. I see the smallest flicker of hope, and I have to look away or it will cut at me.
I nod.
He rolls his lower lip in between his teeth and nods. "Okay."
35
Carter
She's sitting before me, in my kitchen, munching on one of Daisy's chocolate chip cookies, and staring at me with a level of trust I don't understand. Still, I'll do everything in my power to keep that look in her eyes, even if it means telling her everything. Even if it means risking the fact that she may never look at me again.
"My father was an officer in the Devil's Shadows Motorcycle Club."
Taylor nods, already knowing this.
"When I was eleven, my mom passed away. Breast cancer. After that, my dad got really caught up in the MC life. Spending nights away, partying until morning. He began to move up in the ranks right along with his social expansion in club outings. Slowly, he pulled away from our family, and he pulled Denver along with him. At the time, Jax and I were kids, but we knew enough about his lifestyle that we didn't want any part of it, and we didn't want Daisy around it. We managed to keep things going okay between us for several years. But then Jax enlisted in the military, Daisy entered high school, and Den got caught up in some of my dad's bullshit and got slapped with a stint up in Jackson Penitentiary."
Taylor inhales sharply at this morsel of information, and I wonder if Denver's the only person she's ever met who served time. Probably.
"After that, Denver cut ties with my dad completely and since Dad wasn't contributing anything to our family at that point, just causing more bullshit for the rest of us to deal with, it was an easy decision and all the Kane kids agreed to cut him off. But then Griller, the MC President, caught sight of Daisy one day. She was about sixteen at the time, walking home from school or dance practice or some shit. And suddenly, he started coming around. Dad was locked up but still wanted the MC connection, still wanted some protection on the inside, so he encouraged it." I look away as I say this because I don't even want to see the disgust in her eyes. How the hell could I share DNA with such a monster? On some level, I have to be like him. I mean, I come from his tainted genes.
"And I reached out to cut it off, to keep Daisy out of the pull, to call off the Prospect that suddenly kept tabs on her, to make sure Griller and his guys weren't rolling around trying to pick her up or scare her or invite her to parties or whatever the fuck they were interested in. Dad saw an opening to continue having some control over our family, to use me to help him further his own goals of still being a player in the MC. I started running errands and shit for them, organizing illegal poker games and underground fights, pushing drugs, wheeling and dealing on a bunch of activities that could have landed me in the cell right next to Denver but at the time, the risk was worth it because it kept them away from my sister."
Taylor's eyes soften as she stares at me, the cookie forgotten, her ice water perspiring through the napkin and onto the butcher block. "Carter."
I shake my head, needing to get it all out. If she gives me the slightest bit of compassion, offers just one word of understanding, I might not finish, and she needs to hear it all. To know it all.
"I did a lot of shady things. Got Evie," I say, looking at her, and she nods that she remembers Evie, "in a big fucking mess. I hurt people, whether intentionally or not. I lied, cheated, stole, whatever needed to be done to finish the job. Whatever needed to be done to guarantee Daisy was safe. When she went away to college, it made things easier. A lot easier. But then, there was tuition. So even though the threat of the MC wasn’t as bad, those monthly tuition payments were, and I didn't get out like I told myself I would, like I should have. I told my brothers Daisy got a scholarship. I told Daisy a bunch of grants came through. It was stupid, but I wanted to give her the life my mom would have wanted for her and I got hung up on it. The deals were right there for the taking; the money was too good, too easy." I pinch the bridge of my nose. "I did a million things that make me certain I don't deserve any of the good that someone like you brought to my life. And it caught up with me, like I always knew it would."
"The accident?"
I nod. "The accident. That was so unbelievably stupid. I'm usually not much of a drinker. Especially when I need to be alert all the time. But I was looking for a good, lazy time that day. See, the month before, I ended things with the MC. I told them I was out. Griller asked me to do one last job, to get a bigshot business man to step up to his underground poker game. Just introduce the guy to the players, make sure the business man threw down some money. That was it. I agreed, got Joe to the game, and was done with the MC.”
She bites down on her lip at the mention of her father, and I clench my hands into fists on top of the island for having this type of connection to her dad.
“I swear, I had no idea Joe was your father. I didn’t even realize it until the day I helped you move back into your townhouse. As I was pulling out, I saw your dad pull up, walk over to you and give you a hug hello. I was shocked, completely caught off-guard and felt like a dick. I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“So you kept lying?” Her tone is icy, and I rock forward on my heels before nodding.
“Yeah.”
She raises her eyebrows. “That’s it?”
“No. Then the terms changed.”
“What terms?”
“The terms of the money your dad owed Griller.”
Her eyes narrow, honing in on me like she’s not sure whether she believes me or not. It hurts, reading the uncertainty in her eyes, but it’s well-placed. I guess that hurts even more.
“What happened?”
“My dad called me up and informed me that your dad had twenty-four hours to pay the MC fifty grand or unspeakable things would happen to him. Or, I could go back to working for Griller.”
Her eyes widen, “The alexandrite.”
“The alexandrite.”
“You sold your mother’s pendant to clear my father’s debt?”
“And to keep my future MC-free.”
Understanding dawns in her beautiful blue eyes, and I feel the slowest stream of relief work its way through my chest, up my throat, and out of my mouth on a sigh.
"I'm sorry. Really, really sorry for everything I put you through, Taylor. For making you feel like I played you, used you, or whatever the fuck else. But I swear to you, I would do anything, everything, to keep you safe. To make sure nothing else happened to you. It's already my fault that you lost so much of your career. I didn’t want you to have to deal with more disappointment and more worry where your father is concerned too."
"No, it's—"
"I won't let you lose one more piece of yourself. I want to give you everything. Every single thing that a guy like Barrington Wade can and more. But this is it." I hold my arms out wide, encompassing the kitchen that is almost identical to the way it looked back when Mom was alive. "I don't have much. But whatever I do, it's yours. If you still want it."
I hold my breath as she considers me and even though I don't deserve it, don't deserve her, I'm hoping like hell that she'll give me just one more chance to prove to her that she's worth more to me than everything in the universe combined.
36
Taylor
I stare at him in shock. In silence. I read the pain in his eyes when he talks about his past; I see the nerves skating along the edges of his irises and bunch in the muscles of his shoulders as he tenses. He lays his soul bare, confiding in me. Sharing sordid details and truth, he lets me see him, really see him. And now he is waiting for me to judge him, to push him away, to agree that everything he's been telling me about himself all along is true: that he's not worth it.
Instead, I see a
strong and caring man; a man who grapples with moral issues and always chooses his family; a man who remains steadfast in his unwavering love for those he cares about and will fight for them, even if it means taking the blame.
I stand from the barstool, sliding off and fixing the skirt of my dress. My hands are shaky with nerves as I contemplate if I really am a hopeless romantic or an independent woman making a choice. But why can't I be both?
Stepping toward Carter, he holds my gaze, seafoam green to bright blue, hesitant hope to timid optimism. The pull between us sharpens, the periphery falling away, until all I can see is Carter Kane.
His jaw tightens, and his eyes soften as his fingertips reach out and trail the lengths of my arms. He intertwines our fingers together until our hands are clasped, and I step into the warmth of his body. His hands slide around my back, pulling me into him, and I relax.
My body curls into his chest, my hands trapped between us, as he hugs me to him. He breathes me in and burrows his face in the crook of my neck, his fingers playing over the ends of my hair.
"Taylor," he whispers, his voice laced with relief and doubt, "I don't deserve you."
I smile against his chest at the words, because they're the same words he's been mumbling to me since the day I met him, and yet, the meaning is entirely different now.
"Will you fight for me?" I whisper against the soft cotton of his T-shirt, and he pulls back, peering down at me, a serious expression schooling his features.
"Always."
"Will you share my dreams? Encourage me? Support me? Challenge me?"
He swallows thickly. "Yes."
"Will you want me, even if I don't always look like this or don't have certain social connections or a financial safety net?"
"There's nothing that could make me stop wanting you."
"Then you deserve me."
He lets out a low chuckle. "You still deserve more."
"But I want you."
He pulls back and the smile that crosses his face is genuine. His signature charm mixed with a sweetness reserved for me. "Promise?"
"Promise."
His lips descend toward mine and I arch my neck upward to close the distance faster. When his lips finally brush across mine, I melt into him until I’m not sure where I end and he begins. Finally, I understand that home isn't always a place.
A sharp clap behind me causes me to jump and spin around. Carter's arms close around me quickly, as he tugs me back across his chest, his arms circling tightly.
Standing in the swinging door to the kitchen is Denver, giving us a slow-clap, an almost-smirk crossing his mouth.
"'Bout time y'all kissed and made up," he says.
Carter curses at him, and he lets out a low laugh. Striding forward, Daisy enters behind him. She beams at me, and as she comes closer, Carter loosens his hold.
"I'm so happy you came here." She pulls me into a hug.
"Me too," I say truthfully, surprised to be so quickly accepted again into the Kane fold. Although it seems like they never gave up on me, or Carter and me. As if everyone knew all along that we would sort it out.
"I'm making lasagna for dinner," Denver tosses out over his shoulder as the upper part of his body disappears in the refrigerator. "You staying?"
It takes me a moment to realize that all the Kanes are staring at me.
"Me?"
"Yeah," Denver replies, confusion drawing his eyebrows together. "It's not fancy or anything—"
"But it's pretty good," Daisy throws out.
"I'd love to," I say, beaming at Denver. "Thank you for inviting me."
"Oh, you're welcome any time." Daisy flicks her hand at her brother. "With or without him. Now, I'd like your opinion on something I'm working on." She intertwines our arms together and steers me toward the living room. "We'll let the boys prepare dinner."
I look over my shoulder at Carter, and he shrugs, a goofy grin on his face. He watches me with awe and longing and a little bit of mischief. He watches me like he’s in love with me.
I stare at him until Daisy tugs me forward and the swinging door closes, cutting off my view.
But I feel his truth deep inside my heart.
And I've never felt more beautiful.
October
37
Taylor
My world slowly shifts over the following weeks as Carter becomes my boyfriend in every sense of the word. He's the first face I see in the morning and the last face I kiss goodnight. He takes out my trash on Thursday nights and retrieves my newspapers when they knock against my front door. He handles all my car related malfunctions, kisses me good-bye sweetly in front of the modeling studio, and ravages my body and soul under the duvet on my new bed.
Tonight, I've invited him to Mom and Daddy's for dinner. While I'm sure they would have chosen someone else for me to settle down with, someone like Barrington Wade, I'll give them points for being hesitantly accepting of my new life... and love.
"You look perfect." Carter kisses my cheek when I open the front door to let him in.
"You clean up nice yourself, hotshot."
He scrunches his face up and looks down at his clothes, uncertainty heavy in the line of his brow. "Are you sure? I really had no idea what to wear. I even consulted Daisy. And FaceTimed Evie."
Laughter bubbles up from my chest at his admission. Meeting the parents is always hard; meeting my parents with Carter’s background and MC involvement borders on hopeless.
But I don't say any of that.
Because it doesn't matter. The fact that Carter is here, right now, is enough. And if my parents can't accept that, can't accept him, then, I'm fine with that, too.
I don't need everyone's approval the way I once thought I did. Now, I just need my own.
"You look incredible. So good, in fact, I could cancel dinner." I wave my cell phone at him.
He swipes it from my hand, slipping it into the back pocket of his pressed grey trousers. "No way! I'd like for your parents to like me, or at least be open to liking me, which means no cancelling. You ready?" He tilts his head toward his SUV and I nod, placing my hand in his and tugging the door closed behind me.
We walk together to his ride and when he releases my fingers to open my car door, I sense the loss of his touch immediately. Breathing him in, cedar and soap, he closes the door behind me and jogs around the front of his SUV to climb behind the wheel. Once he buckles his seatbelt and flips on the ignition, his hand finds my thigh and stays there.
I shake my head, hiding the grin on my face. It's ridiculous really, but it's almost as if there is an invisible string pulling us together all the time. As if Carter and I need to be touching, need to have the contact of each other as some type of reassurance.
I never thought I would feel like this about anyone. Sure, I always hoped for it but to actually have it, to be able to reach out and hold on with two hands to Carter Kane is the greatest feeling in the entire world.
When Carter parks in front of my parents’ home, my hands dampen with nerves. Old habits die hard, and although I am proud of myself for embracing more independence, I still want my parents to like Carter. As more than just a guy I'm dating, as part of the family.
Carter offers me a lopsided grin as he opens my SUV door and helps me step down. His fingertips rest on the small of my back, a reassuring weight that continues to connect us and reminds me that we're in this together. We're in all of it together.
I rap lightly against the door before pushing it open and entering the foyer.
"Mom? Daddy?" I call out, straining to hear where in the house my parents may be.
"In here, darling." Mom's voice floats to us, and moments later she appears, smiling graciously. She's wearing a simple emerald wrap dress with nude sling-back heels.
"Mom, you cut your hair?"
She turns her head to the side and fluffs her new bob. "Do you like it?"
"I love it!" I hug her tightly and pull back to study her new look. "It really suits you."
"Thank you, Taylor. Hello, Carter. It's lovely to meet you." She steps out of my embrace and pulls Carter into a hug.
Watching the exchange, I hide my giggle behind my hand as Carter's eyebrows raise, his face in complete shock at Mom's warmth. To be honest, I'm a bit surprised too, but I'm going with it.
"Carter." Daddy's rich voice calls out as he enters the foyer. "Welcome." He shakes Carter's hand firmly. "Come on in. I'm sure the girls want to spend a few moments catching up. Want to join me in the study for a scotch?"
"That would be great, sir."
"You can still call me Joe." Dad gestures to Carter to follow him, and they both disappear down the hall.
"What’s that about?" I ask Mom under my breath, confusion coloring my tone.
She shrugs, picking a piece of lint off the waistline of my navy frock. "Daddy knows what Carter did for him. He knows about the paid debt. He wants to thank Carter. He’s going to pay him back. You know, we want you to be happy, Taylor. And Carter, well, he's a good man. Maybe not the one we pictured you with, but maybe the one we should have. Now that Barrington is running most of Clarke Enterprises, I can see how some of his qualities would have rubbed you the wrong way."
“You think?”
“Yes. He’s a bit arrogant, isn’t he?”
I laugh, nodding. “He really is.”
"Oh, Taylor." She pulls me close for another hug. "I really am so proud of you."
"Thanks, Mom."
"Come on, I have some of that cheese you like waiting with your favorite wine."
"Oh, well, by all means, please lead the way."
Following Mom into the kitchen where a cheese board waits and a chilled bottle of Pinot Grigio sits, my heart feels full.
38