Grave Humor

by RJ Blain

  “Eoghan,” he replied. “Eoghan Olin.”

  “You must have awoken for a brief time during the age of the Celts to have picked up that name. It is fitting you would show up here and choose someone like her.”

  “I definitely dislike when she screams,” Eoghan muttered.

  The incubus snickered. “You’ll have to work on that. You want to make your woman scream. It’s the best.”

  The angel shook his wings, hopped off the steps, and kicked the incubus. “I do not know why I put up with you.”

  “You love me. You’d be sad and lonely without me. I keep your life interesting.”

  The angel heaved a sigh. “Do not antagonize Mr. Olin. We are not here to antagonize. We are here to verify the truth, which I have.”

  “Do you need to verify the part about the murder and the attempted murder?” I asked.

  “The CDC spoke to Mr. Olin about such matters.”

  “You are too tired for such questionings,” Eoghan said.

  Okay. I could work with that. “I need to take my medications and get to my errands so I can have my pixie dust tonight. Is there anything else you need from me?”

  “Yes, as a matter of fact, there is.” The angel returned to my front steps, held out his hand, and a briefcase appeared in a flash of bright light. “I was asked to deliver this, as it has vital information on Mr. Olin’s estates, financial investments, and so on. Inside, you’ll find critical paperwork, a laptop, and how to access the files you’ll need to modernize your new companion and help him handle his affairs.”

  I took the briefcase and swallowed my sigh. “I’m not being paid nearly well enough to deal with this.”

  “You will find the CDC’s proposal for your hiring contract, benefits, and so on inside as well. Mr. Olin had made the request for a fair hiring arrangement for modern times with some additions. You will find you are being paid quite well for the work. He was very concerned over your fair treatment.”

  The hells would start freezing over if things continued to go my way for once in my life. I’d have to send a card to the devil asking him for his forgiveness for running up his electric bill. “Some additions?”

  “He requested your salary be marked up, as humans do not change that much over the years, and the averages are rarely what the staff are worth, and he would not like to take advantage of you in that fashion. Sacrifice truly is a poor term for the work of a high-grade executive secretary, Mr. Olin.”

  The angel’s implication Eoghan might take advantage of me in other ways caught my attention and did a good job of holding it. Rather than ask, I narrowed my eyes and considered the headless being.

  “Executive what?” Eoghan asked.

  The angel sighed.

  I couldn’t understand how a headless being spoke or sighed, so I moved on to my next problem: Eoghan. “I don’t think executive secretaries existed when men wore dresses and loin cloths, Mr. Angel.”

  “Dimitri,” the angel replied. “The annoyance on your lawn is Theo. I expect we’ll be in touch again, as my residence while on the mortal coil is a rather short distance away by mundane methods of travel. Fortunately, we can both teleport, which makes this easier.”

  “Wait, you live here?”

  Dimitri pointed behind him. “It would take you approximately two hours to drive if you went that way.”

  I could only think of one somewhat major city about two hours away from Sunset in the general direction the angel had pointed. “You live in Huntsville?”

  “Not precisely, but close enough.”

  “Do you have a phone number I can reach you at in case I have any questions?”

  “My business card is in the briefcase, along with contact information for our wife.”

  Wait. What? “Our wife? As in you two are sharing a wife?”

  “Yes, our wife. I am a part of a triad with Theo. Our wife enjoys vexing us at every opportunity.”

  Some women had all the luck. She had an angel and a sex demon? “So his taste in women is restricted to only your wife?”

  “Precisely.”

  Well, that made me feel a little better about being rejected by a sex demon. “Do you think your wife would mind me asking for tips? I’m fairly hopeless.”

  “I think you’ll find your problems easy to resolve, although you will find yourself besieged with gentlemanly ways. You will find it quite vexing.”

  “Besieged with gentlemanly ways?”

  Theo leered at me. “Your companion is as old-fashioned as they come. Good luck with that. You’re going to need all the luck you can get.”

  I wondered if that meant I wouldn’t be able to lure the hot antique to bed without a fight.

  “That is precisely what he means, I’m afraid,” the angel replied. “Humans. You are your own worst enemy. Should you find yourself overly vexed, do give our wife a call. I’m sure she’d love to share the tricks of her trade with you while doing her best to embarrass us.”

  “Can angels even be embarrassed?”

  “Absolutely,” Dimitri replied. “And our wife has turned embarrassing me into an art. You’ll find her to be a most excellent friend, so try not to be too shy about putting her number to use. Also, you’ll want to get yourself a proper cell phone, Miss Anwen. You’ll need it. If my wife gets her hands on you, you’ll be a changed woman within a week, and it’ll be great fun for her. I live to make certain my wife enjoys her life, so do give her a call.”

  Without another word, the pair disappeared, and the sex demon left behind the faintest hint of brimstone in the air. I sniffed, puzzled over the stench.

  “Interesting. That was a devil,” Eoghan murmured, and he stepped out of my house to investigate where Theo had been rolling about on my grass. “But why would an angel cohort with a devil?”

  “I thought incubi were sex demons,” I admitted. “Anyway, they’re part of a triad. That means they live with a human, and they’re probably going to have a child or already have one. They teach about triads in school, as nobody knows when an angel will show up and fall in love with a woman. Well, usually women. There’s a case or two of a pairing taking interest in a man, but it’s pretty uncommon.”

  Ugh. Great. My interest in academics was showing through—an interest I couldn’t even pursue thanks to my dead-beat parents.

  “Demon, devils… there is no difference.”

  “Actually, there are differences between the two. It’s basic enough it’s taught in school. Devils are born directly under the influence of Satan in one of his various hells or converted into one. Demons are born on the mortal coil, particularly Earth. They have different ranges of powers, but I didn’t pay too much attention. I never expected to meet either a devil or a demon.”

  “I see I have much to learn. Let us begin with the issue of your cell phone. What is wrong with yours?”

  “Beyond the fact I don’t have one because I can’t afford one?”

  “Ah. I see. You can afford one now. Are you up for making a venture to a store? I can call a driver. I was shown how, and Miss Cecily taught me how to access the money available to me. She became quite amicable following our general negotiations.”

  “Well, let me see what’s in this briefcase before I decide what I can and can’t afford. According to my finances yesterday, I couldn’t afford jack shit.”

  “Today, you can,” Eoghan replied, and before I could argue with him, he disappeared into my house, leaving me to follow.

  Six

  In good news, there would be honey rocks in my future.

  The laptop could run laps around the computer I’d used at the funeral home, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was wasted on me. It begged to be put to better use, including playing some high-end game I’d never even considered buying for myself. Whomever had installed its software had gone on a shopping spree, and it included the kitchen sink. I hoped nobody needed me to understand how to use most of the programs; my job had required little more than word processing and spreadsheets,
which I used with tolerable skill.

  Eoghan observed, and while his scrutiny unsettled me, he kept quiet, even when I struggled to access the accounts I was supposed to manage on his behalf. To help manage Eoghan’s money, I had a complete set of cards in my name linked to his accounts, along with a note that the CDC wished me the best of luck teaching him how to use an ATM.

  The machines startled him, and he didn’t trust most forms of technology.

  Fortunately, the instructions on how to manage his accounts helped, which came with a promise of the CDC providing a tutor should I need one. I gave it a few days before I called and begged for help. The nightmare waiting for me would test my patience.

  Eoghan had millions upon millions of dollars in his name in his bank accounts alone. According to the account nicknames, he received payouts from stock dividends, profits from property rentals, and real estate. The general earnings account would vex me, as there was no indication what counted as general earnings—or why it had twenty million dollars in liquid funds.

  “You’re ridiculously wealthy,” I announced. His wealth would make trying to take him to bed even more of a challenge. Wealthy men tended to suspect poor women, and it didn’t matter if I had wanted to take him out of his clothes before finding out he could pay my salary for the rest of my life and not miss a penny of it.

  In good news, there would be honey rocks in my future. There would be a lot of honey rocks in my future. I’d make a point of having a honey rock once a month, and I planned on whispering sweet nothings to it before devouring its sweet, sweet flesh.

  “I was wealthy during my last awakening as well, but I find your use of ridiculous to be amusing. Please elaborate,” the antique replied.

  I pointed at the general earnings account, which represented approximately ten percent of his liquid assets. “The amount in this account would leave me comfortable for life, I would never have to work another day in my life, and I’d leave someone a nice inheritance when I kicked the bucket.”

  “You would become bored if you never worked.”

  I nodded, as I doubted he could ever understand what it was like to never be able to miss a day of work even if ill. A missed day meant I wouldn’t be eating for a few days, and starving sucked. I’d done it a few too many times since dropping out of high school. “I likely would, yes. And you?”

  “I find ways to keep engaged and busy during my awakenings.”

  “I figured. Your caretakers needed something to get them started to accumulate this much wealth on your behalf.”

  “They had good incentive. I look forward to that director’s demise for his part in killing them.”

  “But you didn’t know them.”

  “I don’t need to know them. While it has long since been repaid, I once owed their ancestor a debt. I remember such things. Director Hammel will not appreciate his fate.”

  Eoghan wouldn’t hear me complain about that. “I just don’t understand how you can be so wealthy.”

  “When I first lost my humanity, I chased wealth to give me mundane purpose. I exist for a reason, and I understand that. Mine is a role that I cannot escape, which is something I accepted long ago. But then, I did not and could not. As such, I chased wealth. I owed a debt, and I used my pursuit of wealth to repay that debt. We forged an alliance after, and so here we are. The circle completes. Their line is lost, and a new line begins with you. The circumstances are reversed, although a wager is not quite the same sort of debt I owed.”

  “But it is still a debt. It’s my turn to try to fill these shoes?”

  “They have generations of experience and drive, passed down from father to son, mother to daughter—and even aunts and uncles to nieces and nephews. It saddens me a family so old no longer walks upon this Earth, but few can avoid death’s neutral embrace. You’ll have time to learn, and if you need help, I will find capable people to help you.”

  Guilt over my self-centered tendencies reared its head. I’d just lost a shit job, albeit one of the only jobs in the town I could get. He’d lost everything important, things no amount of money could buy. “It must be hard for you.”

  “How so?”

  “Everyone you’ve ever known is gone.”

  Eoghan nodded. “This is true. They have all gone, but death is not the final conclusion of a life’s journey. I have lived long enough to see old friends be reborn, and I rejoice when I cross their path a second time. The soul remembers. Have you ever met someone you feel like you’ve known forever?”

  I shook my head. “I’m weird that way. I never have.”

  “Then yours may be a new soul, one that can find the true joy of first discoveries. I have met many souls for a second time. That’s something. The friends I once had are gone, but their soul continues on, and that makes things easier. I never know who I’ll meet again down the road.”

  “But how do you know?”

  “Magic, of course. For most, when they meet me again, it is a feeling they’ve met me somewhere else before. For me, it is a sense of recognition, and with some thought, I can usually remember who they’d once been.”

  “Deja vu!”

  Eoghan’s brow furrowed. “That is not your English, is it? It sounds wrong somehow.”

  “It’s French.”

  “Ah. How odd. It’s as if it’s a part of your language yet it’s also not.”

  “English is the language that takes other languages into dark alleys and mugs them for their loose grammar.”

  “Pardon?”

  “English butchers other languages in dark alleys, taking their words and grammar and claiming them for itself. As a result, us English speakers can’t even figure out how our own language works because it insists on breaking all of the rules. The only consistent rule in English is that every rule has an exception. Then, to make matters worse, it keeps changing. Every damned time I think I get something right, someone goes and decides we should do it a different way. English is a rebellious language.”

  “You speak a rebellious language?”

  “Yes. Yes, I do. It’s a vicious, terrible language. It’s completely wild and untamed, and if left unsupervised, I’m certain it will start a revolt for the hell of it.”

  Eoghan chuckled. “I am up for a challenge. I believe you’ll find me to be an excellent student. I have learned many languages over the years. Your English will not defeat me, no matter how rebellious it is.”

  While I couldn’t fix all of Eoghan’s problems, I could do something to make life a little easier on him—and it would give me an excuse to keep a close eye on him. “If I have to teach you English, you should teach me your first language.”

  “Nobody speaks it anymore.”

  I viewed that as a challenge, one I couldn’t refuse without some attempt to learn it. “Except you,” I countered. “Then I can speak to you in your own language. It’s not a dead language if there are those who can still speak it. If you can teach me, then you can teach others, too. We’d bring an entire language back to life!”

  As far as hare-brained ideas went, I liked mine. It would take up a lot of time, it wouldn’t cost me anything, and I’d be kept busy. It would give me a purpose, one that didn’t involve worrying about what had happened at the funeral home.

  I still hadn’t checked the employment offer, which waited inside the briefcase. It, far more than Eoghan’s shocking wealth, scared me. Once I looked, there’d be no turning back. I’d keep my word and deal with it, no matter how little I was paid, although it’d be almost impossible to pay me less than what I’d gotten at the funeral home. If I got any sort of decent health care plan, I’d be ahead of the game, as my insurance bill murdered my account each and every month.

  “You’re one of them, aren’t you?”

  His question startled me from my thoughts. “Excuse me?”

  “You’re an academic type. The type who learns for the sake of learning. Your eyes got quite the gleam in them at the thought of learning my language.”

  I tho
ught about that, realizing the antique had been profiling me as much as I’d been profiling him. “I guess so. I liked school when I could worry less about the idiots I went to school with and more about learning stuff. It’s probably more about wanting what I can’t have.”

  “If learning is what you want, then it is what you will have, although I hope you are willing to wait some time for me to handle this matter with Director Hammel. I would rather teach you in a time of peace than a time of turmoil. And money will not be an issue should you wish to attend an institution. Does this emergence have only religious institutions of learning? It varies between the emergences, and I no longer bother trying to guess how humans will behave.”

  “They’re not religious in nature normally now. And as for Director Hammel, that seems like a wise idea, especially since he tried to kill me.”

  “He made assumptions, entirely wrong ones. While he was wise to offer you as a sacrifice, he didn’t realize the word was meant in a different fashion. I expect he killed my caretaker believing in the wrong definition of that word. I regret that. He will regret his choice more.”

  I wondered if his guilt would follow him the rest of his long life. “Director Hammel is an idiot.”

  “Yes, he is. He won’t live long enough to learn from his mistakes, but I want to find out all of his motivations. He wanted either Gordon or I awake, and I want to know why. That means finding him and asking a few questions.”

  “That sounds vaguely threatening,” I admitted.

  “There are many ways to get answers out of a body, and I know them all. If his mouth won’t speak the truth to me, I have other methods I can use, ones that he cannot lie his way through. I just hate the screams.”

  My eyes widened. “You mean to torture him?”

  “Oh, no. I mean to slice him open and read the truth on his entrails and heart. That’s far more satisfying than torture, and his screams won’t last long that way. The moment of death is when all of a human’s truths are brought to light. It is a rather brutal method, but it works. My magic allows me to read many truths at the moment of death. You can consider that a clue if you’d like.”