by Nicole Thorn
“How could you say something like that?” I demanded of my brother. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? Zander is going to be upset for weeks now, and I don’t know if anything that I say will fix it.”
“I didn’t mean it,” Jasper said. “I don’t think Zander got any of us killed any more than I think that I got you or Juniper killed.” This last, he mostly said to Kizzy. She didn’t seem to hear, too busy shooting daggers my way. Her teeth had ground together.
“Of course, you didn’t mean it,” she said, getting to her feet. “You were just trying to make a point. That you did as much as you could, just like any of us did on that terrible day. It’s not anyone’s fault. It just came out wrong, which I’m sure your sister would realize if she took a moment to think instead of yelling.”
“Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you mean,” I snapped back at her. “It’s what you say that matters! And in this case, what he said was the dumbest, most insensitive thing that he could have let out of his mouth!”
I’d come here for a fight with my brother, but I didn’t think Kizzy would let me have one. She slipped in between me and him, her eyes narrowed to slits. “Are you kidding me? The gods wanted to force him into defending himself, and you’re getting mad at Jasper for doing exactly that?”
“He could have done something else. Said literally anything else,” I snapped. “He could have just punched the fake Zander in the face.”
“You think the best solution to his trial would have been punching Aphrodite?” Kizzy said. “How exactly do you think that would have gone down with Ares and Hephaestus? They wouldn’t have taken the extenuating circumstances into consideration. They would have been pissed off with him for punching their lady.”
Jasper rubbed his face, looking tired.
“Well, he should have figured something out,” I argued, flinging my arm as if to discard all the things that Kizzy had said. “He shouldn’t have tried to hurt Zander the way that he did.”
“I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone,” Jasper said.
“Well, fat lot of good that did you!” I shouted at him. “Because you managed to not only hurt Zander, but you hurt me as well. Do you think that I’m not in pain when he’s in pain? Because I am. I can’t fix him, and how do you think that makes me feel?”
Jasper looked me dead in the eyes right before he said, “Probably the same way Zander feels about you right now.”
It felt like someone had slammed their foot down on the brakes in my head. I stared at him for a second, too stunned to say or do anything. Then my fury came back. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? What, you can’t hurt Zander right now, so you’re going to attack me?”
“It means,” Jasper said, slowly, as if talking to a child, “That you are being a giant pain in the ass.”
I laughed. “Right back atcha.”
“No,” Jasper said, and he finally turned to face me fully. “You think I don’t feel bad enough as it is? I know that I said something terrible about Zander, and I will deal with that when I get the chance. But you… you are the problem, walking around like nothing can touch you and treating everyone like they need to take a knee around you. Stop acting as if what you want is the only thing that matters, Jasmine.”
My back straightened so hard that I heard my spine crack. Kizzy shifted her feet, still standing between me and Jasper. If I wanted to, I could have thrown her aside like she weighed nothing, but I chose not to. I didn’t need a direct path to him to make my brother realize his mistake.
“You’re calling me selfish?” I asked.
“Yes,” he told me. “You’ve always been a little self-absorbed, but it’s gotten out of hand lately. I don’t know what is going through your head, but you need to back the hell off, right now.”
I laughed, shaking my head. “Wow. Wow. You’re calling me selfish. You’re the one that needed to defend yourself so badly that you would wound everyone around you!”
“It was for a trial!” Kizzy hissed, stepping toward me.
“What a wonderful excuse, right?”
“And you’re the one that won’t tell Zander anything because it’s more important for you to do whatever you want than it is for him to have peace of mind,” Jasper said. “I get that Zander can be overbearing and overprotective, but it’s because he’s terrified. He’s absolutely terrified of losing you one day, and you act as if he’s trying to keep you in a cage for the fun of it.”
“Don’t lecture me on how to run my relationship,” I said. “Zander and I are doing fine.”
“Then why are you in here instead of with him?” Jasper asked.
“Because of you!” I snapped.
“No,” Jasper said. “Because yelling at me makes you feel like you’ve done something about the situation. Because yelling at me is easier than trying to make Zander feel better.”
My fury rose even higher. I wanted to rush my brother so that I could punch him in the face. I wanted to scream at him until he took back everything he had said. I wanted… I wanted…
I took in a deep, deep breath. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Jasper. About anything. Zander and I are fine, I’m fine, and you’ve never been the protector that you think you are.”
With that, I turned around and marched out into the hallway, slamming the door behind me. I paced the length of the hall, trying to get some air into my lungs because they felt like someone had wrapped a belt around them. The more I paced, the angrier I felt. Until the buildup started to hurt my head. I turned in a tight circle, still panting.
A film seemed to take over my sight and some weird double vision fell over my eyes. I saw two versions of myself. One of them continued to pace the hall, her teeth ground together. She eventually stopped pacing and went back to her room. The other one stopped in the middle of the hallway, staring down at her feet. She looked so sad, really nothing like me. Her hands trembled as she turned back around and walked to the door.
Kizzy answered, barring the way so that that version of me couldn’t get into the room. That version of me said something, and Kizzy relented, allowing me entrance.
Down the hall, the first me walked out of the room, carrying a bottle. I looked down at it, trying to figure out what was in the bottle. It had a blue exterior, but no label on it. I drank from the mouth deeply, eyes bright, smile plastered to my face, legs unsteady.
That’s me, I thought, watching the happy girl walk down the hall. I’m happy. I’m always happy. That one is me.
I blinked, and the two me’s vanished. I stood in the hallway, but not alone, like I thought I’d be.
Heracles had appeared out of nowhere. He stood next to the elevators with his hands in his pockets. “You okay?”
I huffed out a breath. “Yeah, fine, except that my boyfriend is upset because my brother is a giant asshole.”
Heracles shook his head. “The gods know how to get what they want.”
“That’s what they wanted?” I asked, gesturing to my bedroom. “Zander is a mess. How is he supposed to beat his trial when he’s like this?”
“Did it ever occur to you that the gods don’t want you to win?” Heracles asked. “They want you to prove yourselves, but the prize if you do prove yourselves…” He shrugged. “It would mean that you’re powerful. The gods hate it when something is powerful in a way that could resemble their own.”
“Well, they’re in for a rude awakening, because we’re going to win those trials.”
“Good,” Heracles said. “You should. And I’m sorry about what happened with your brother in there.”
I glanced at the door. “You heard that?” I asked.
Heracles nodded.
For some reason, I felt embarrassed. I shoved that aside. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Jasper had been taking his unhappiness out on everyone, and I wouldn’t stand for it anymore. I lifted my chin. “Well, that sucks for him. I’m sure he’s already going to face a lot of hatred from the crowd when we see them again. No one l
ikes someone being that mean to another person.”
Heracles smirked. “Actually, the crowd doesn’t seem all that bothered.”
“What? How could they see that and not be affected?”
“Callie is quite the hostess. She managed to spin it so that Jasper isn’t the bad guy, but the gods are for making him say something so baselessly cruel to his own family. I’m sure they’re unhappy about that, but what are they going to do? Apollo won’t let anything happen to his only Oracle.”
I huffed out an annoyed breath, looking back at the door. “Well, I’m not going to let it go.”
“You’re not?”
“No,” I said. “If no one else is going to put Jasper in his place, then I will.”
Heracles glanced at the door I had come out of, then shrugged. “Just be careful about it. The gods don’t like when people interfere in their business. Right now, you are their business. And you don’t want to be on the bad side of the gods. Trust me, I know.”
That gave me a brief pause. Heracles had been driven insane by Hera. She forced him to kill his wife and their children. That had been millennia ago, but I thought that I could still see the pain of it in his eyes. I supposed a wound like that would never completely heal.
“Don’t worry about me,” I said. “I’m not going to be their plaything, and I’m not going to let Jasper off the hook for this.”
Heracles nodded. “Well, I came to make sure that you all were settled for the night. I’ve also brought comfort food.”
I looked behind him, at the empty hall. “Where?”
“It’s a long way up from the elevator,” he said. “But I’ll send up another tray, hopefully with someone who has better self-control than I do.”
A smile popped up on my face. “You ate six portions of food?”
“I don’t judge you,” Heracles said.
I put my hands up. “Gods forbid. Not that you’d find much to judge on me.” I gave a little curtsey, grinning at him. The smile fell away after a second, and I looked back at my door. Zander would be on the other side, waiting for me. He probably needed more comfort. Which I could provide, without clothes. I turned back to Heracles, waving over my shoulder. “If you don’t mind, I should probably head back inside. Zander’s probably wondering where I am right now.”
Heracles put his hand over his heart and offered a small bow. “Of course. I’ll have someone bring the food to your rooms momentarily. I just need to check on your brother and sister, to make sure they’re tucked in for the night.”
“They are,” I said, sourly. “Believe me.”
“I would love to, but rules and all that.”
Rules. I had gotten sick of rules already. The gods wanted to make our lives damn near impossible with all these rules and tests and enemies, and what was our prize at the end of it? We wouldn’t end up smashed on the ground, physically? What about emotionally, what about mentally? At what point did they hurt us more than they helped us? I didn’t know anymore.
I was tired.
We were all tired.
I turned back to my room, pushing all those thoughts away, and shoved the door open. Zander had just come out of the shower, smelling of steam and shampoo. His wounded eyes found me the second I stepped inside.
“Hey, where did you go?” he asked.
Part of me wanted to say he didn’t have the right to ask. But that would just upset him more, and then he’d get offended if I told him the truth. So, I said, “I just needed some fresh air. I’m back now if you wanna do something fun.” The cheeky grin I had offered loads of promises that I’d be willing to keep.
Zander
I ’d barely slept the night before. When I did, I only heard screams when I dreamed. Helpless and in need, and I could only fail them. I had Jasmine in my arms every time I woke up, and I would squeeze her so I could be sure she was real. It could be too easy to forget sometimes. And now I knew I couldn’t trust anything.
When morning came, I showered again, hoping it would cleanse me of the nightmares from only hours ago. It didn’t; leaving me to relive so many mistakes I could never make up for. They all said they didn’t blame me, but how could they not?
I ended up in the hallway, sitting against the wall before anyone else got up. It shouldn’t have been too much this soon. That hadn’t even been my trial and it had thrown me off so much that I walked on wobbly legs.
Jasper’s words stayed with me, true or not. They repeated over and over again in my head, reminding me of things I already knew so well. I could smell the blood from our home that day we’d walked in to find death. I had pictures in my head of Jasmine, Juniper, and Jasper as we carried their bodies outside. Only once in my life had I ever felt so gutted, and that was another day that had almost killed me.
I ended up standing, unsure of what I would say but knowing I needed to say it. I got to Jasper and Kizzy’s room, lightly knocking on the door. He answered, showing a room dimly lit by one lamp.
“Yeah?” he asked.
“I need to talk to you,” I said. “Can I come in?”
Jasper let me past him and I heard the shower running. Kizzy had to have been in there, getting ready for whatever hell today would bring. I stood in the room, Jasper standing across from me. I didn’t know where to start.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I shook my head, stopping him before he could go on. “No, please. I don’t want to hear you say you’re sorry. I don’t blame you for what you said, and it’s not like it wasn’t true.”
“It wasn’t,” Jasper lied.
“Yeah, it really was. I fucked up when I left you guys there. I knew something was going on, and I still left.”
“To try and solve the problem. How were we supposed to know what was going to happen? You can’t blame yourself for not seeing the future.”
I waved my hand. “Even forgetting that, what about the other stuff? You said I made you all feel worthless. That I… listen, I know what I am. Do you think I don’t? You think I don’t know what I do?”
“We don’t have to have this conversation,” Jasper said. “There’s no blame on you, and I didn’t mean what I said.”
“Either way, you said it. There was some truth in there at the very least. I think I need to tell you something. I need you to know why… Just let me say this.”
Jasper stayed silent.
“For almost two fucking years, Kizzy was getting tortured. I feel everything all around me, and I missed it. I didn’t notice. I didn’t see it. I had one job on the planet, and I failed it so completely that I can’t even put words to the failure. Kizzy’s the only thing I’ve had for almost all of my life, and I still screwed up.
“Now, I have these five other people I care about. Callie on top of that, Aster, Micha. The list keeps growing. I couldn’t protect you, Juniper, or… You all died. It brought me right back to when Kizzy showed up at my door after she’d been beaten and raped. That thing in me that’s supposed to tell me what’s happening, it didn’t work, so she kept getting beaten. She kept…” I couldn’t say it again. “That’s what happens when I’m not there, when I’m not protecting people. Now, Kizzy gets to live with trauma for the rest of her life. From that, and from finding the love of her life murdered. Same as Verin. That fuckup is on me.”
“That fuckup is no way on you,” Jasper said through gritted teeth. “What happened to Kizzy is on the monsters who did it to her. Not the twelve-year-old whose magic wasn’t fully working yet and didn’t see past his sister doing everything she could to hide the truth.”
“She only hid it so I would be happy.”
“And that still isn’t on you.”
“How can you even say that? I could have stopped it.”
“Lightning from the sky hitting those people could have stopped it, her mother could have stopped it, a car accident could have stopped it. That doesn’t put the blame on anyone but the people who did it. And I know why you’re protective. I get it.”
I shook my he
ad. “That doesn’t make it right, but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to not jump in and do everything I can to save the people I love. When I walk away, people get hurt.”
“I think all you can do is try and accept that we aren’t helpless. Kizzy isn’t twelve anymore, and my sisters and I aren’t human. This isn’t all on your shoulders.”
If any of them died again, I would blame myself. Because no matter what, I should have been there to stop it.
The shower turned off, making me jump a little. “Can we keep this between us?”
“I don’t lie to Kizzy about anything.”
I exhaled. “Then maybe just keep the details fuzzy. I don’t want her reminded of what happened while she’s in the middle of a trial, okay?”
Jasper nodded, and I left the room as fast as I could.
The conversation made me feel no better, but I hadn’t thought it would cleanse me of my sins. Nothing I did or said would have made up for letting the seers die. Nothing I did would make up for Kizzy.
I managed to get back to my room right before Jasmine woke up. She smiled sleepily at me, and I got a quick kiss on the lips before my naked girlfriend skipped on over to the shower. If I had been in a better mood, I would have followed her.
Not too much later, I heard Callie’s voice overhead, calling us all out for our next round. The demigod from before then escorted us right back to that damn stage. Callie stood in the center as she waited for us, the cameras not yet rolling. I would have given anything to be home.
“You guys okay?” Callie asked us.
“Great,” Juniper lied.
Someone counted down as Callie took her place, holding a mic to her mouth and plastering on a smile so fake that it made me want to throw up. I felt her tension in the pit of my stomach, but she went on anyway like nothing was wrong. How she managed, I didn’t know.
“And welcome back to round three of our trials,” she greeted. “If you would look to our left, you’ll see our screen with the names of our heroes on it. The gods have determined who’ll be up next, but Jasper, as the winner of our last trial, would you like to do the honors of the big reveal?”