by Nicole Thorn
I shook my head, pulling Zander further into the room. He sat down in one of the chairs without much of a fuss, and I got the bathtub running. It would take forever to fill it up, so I ignored it after that, turning back to my boyfriend. He didn’t say or do anything as I started pulling his clothing off his body. Most of it came away easily since his skin had healed underneath it. Some, though, some I had to pull and cut and scrape, but still, Zander didn’t say a word. It took a long time to get all of the clothes off, but I managed it. They went into the trashcan.
“Zander,” I said, tilting his head toward me.
He blinked and seemed to see the room around us for the first time. He also noticed the bathtub, rapidly filling with water. He got up and walked over to it without me prompting him. The chair he vacated had turned gray. I pushed it up to the counter so that I wouldn’t have to look at the thing anymore.
The gods deserved to have their things ruined.
I knelt down next to the tub because I didn’t think Zander would like company. Not in his current state of mind. “Do you want to talk?” I asked.
“What’s there to talk about?” Zander countered. “The gods gave me a trial and I won. And only one person had to die for me to do that. I got one person killed so that we could get this magical thing that might change the tide of the war in our favor and might fuck us over. So that person’s life might not have even been worth it. I might have failed them for nothing.”
“You didn’t fail anyone,” I insisted. “The gods did. They shouldn’t have brought humans into this, to begin with. Especially ones that don’t know the gods even exist. It’s not fair.”
“None of it is ever fair,” he barked. “Maybe I shouldn’t be mad with the gods at all. What does it matter that they hurt me and Jasper for one trial? I’m the idiot that keeps getting upset when they don’t take our feelings into consideration. They’re gods. Why am I shocked that someone died for their little games? One human amongst millions? Pfft. They’re gods. They’ve killed for pettier reasons than this war. They’ve killed because someone said someone else was prettier than them. That is what we’re dealing with. I’m the moron who keeps thinking there’s something humane in them. Something that will stop and wonder if the hurt and pain and blood they bring wherever they go is worth it. I’m the one who is too stupid to remember that his own mother left him in the foster care system for years, and let his sister get raped because it was just too much work for them to save her!”
His voice had steadily risen with each word until he punctuated it with a closed fist against the wall. The marble didn’t crack, which I thought said more about the marble than it did Zander’s strength. He panted by the time he finished talking, his eyes closed and his head lowered.
“They’re gods,” he said one last time.
I swallowed thickly. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
He laughed bitterly. “What’s your proof of that?”
“That so many people made it out alive,” I said. “Because you were there. People that surely would have died if you hadn’t done this trial.”
“They were only there because of us,” Zander said.
I didn’t know what to say to that for a moment. He was right. They had only been there because of the trial. The gods probably hadn’t even thought about what kind of person to grab but kidnapped twenty random people they found on the street. But then I figured it out.
“Do you really think that we’re so special?” I asked.
Zander looked at me.
“Think about it,” I said. “We’re getting this chance because my brother and sister and I got turned into gods, and yeah, we’re pretty fucking awesome, you can say it. However, if it hadn’t been us, I think the gods would’ve found someone else to do these trials. If we said no, they would have found someone else, because this thing, it could change the entire war. It could be the reason they win. They wouldn’t want to leave it behind, where the enemy could find it.”
“You know the gods set it up so that you could be turned,” Zander said, shaking his head. “They’re setting us all up, tempering us like blades so that we won’t break in battle.”
“Yeah, they are,” I agreed. “But that doesn’t change the fact that they would never leave the ultimate weapon where it could be taken by their enemy.”
Zander sighed, pushing his head under the water. When he resurfaced, he looked around the room. “Maybe you’re right.”
“But you still think that you failed that person,” I said.
He closed his eyes. “I know that the point wasn’t to save everyone. I know that the gods set it up so that I couldn’t, that I wouldn’t have enough time no matter what I did. I know all of that, but…” His eyes opened, and they looked so hurt. I’d never seen that look in his eyes before, which made me wonder how good he had gotten at hiding it. “But I still chose the person who would die. I still decided who would get to live and who would have to be in the building as it collapsed. Their life is on me because I could have saved it if I wanted to.”
It seemed insane that he would blame himself for choosing someone he knew he could get to, as opposed to someone that had been upstairs in a burning building. But he did blame himself.
I brushed my hand against his forehead. The water he sat in had turned completely gray and gross, but I ignored that just to talk to him. “You can’t blame yourself for who you saved, because you didn’t have a choice. Someone had to die. You can’t be upset because you chose someone who didn’t have to die.”
He laughed bitterly, shaking his head. “But I do blame myself.”
I tried to think of something else to say because I didn’t know how to help this hurt the way he blamed himself. But I would figure it out eventually. Until then, I just had to be there for Zander, until he realized he sounded insane.
He got out of the tub, and we found some clothes to change into in the closet. Just clothing for him. They hadn’t thought I would need to get out of my sooty t-shirt. After Zander changed, I took his hand, turning him to face me. “Okay,” I said. “I know that the last thing you want right now is to go out there and pretend to be a person, but I think you have to.”
He gave another bitter laugh. “Oh?”
I nodded. “There’s an entire audience of people ready to pick you apart. I know that you don’t care about them, and neither do I, to be honest, but the gods are watching. We have to show them that we’re strong enough for this.”
“Are we?” Zander asked.
“What?”
“Are we strong enough to handle this thing they want to give us?” he asked. “Are we strong enough to take it on, when these are the tests they’re throwing at us?”
“Of course, we’re strong enough,” I said.
“I wish that I could be as sure as you are.”
Zander
“W as there ever any doubt you would win?” Callie laughed, though her heart felt strangled. That pain echoed in me. How she held it together like this, I didn’t know. She kept that smile on her face like she had a gun to her head.
“No,” I lied, scratching the back of my neck as I leaned down to her mic. “You can’t be a child of Aphrodite and let things like doubt in. Doesn’t mesh.”
She laughed again, the sound stinging my chest. “I suppose not. And for those of you watching at home,” she said, turning to the camera, “the survivors are all at home or in the hospital, all expected to make full recoveries.”
Recoveries from the lesson I’d been forced to learn. A death would forever be on me, all because I had a trial to pass. But that had been the point of the whole thing, wasn’t it? That I couldn’t save everyone. The needs of the many…
“Soon we’ll find out who’s next!” Callie chirped at the camera. “Which of our three remaining contestants will be up for their first round? Stick around for exclusive behind the scenes interviews with the amazing crew who set up each trial, and some of your favorite gods, and maybe we can take some questions from
the audience. Let’s have a hand for our victor one more time before he goes to rest up for his next round.”
The people watching us roared as I took a bow for them, feeling like I would empty out my stomach onto the stage any second. The lights finally dimmed as the camera guy walked away, leaving me my own broken version of free.
“Fucking hell,” Cassie whispered, rubbing her eyes. She saw Aster in the corner, not wasting a single moment before going to him.
I had a quick flash of the most disgusting relief of my life when I looked at him. I hadn’t been able to protect Aster like it had been intended, but that could have been a good thing. He suffered because of his mother, but being my brother could have meant he would have been a part of this. Two more trials to pass. Two more chances for a person to get gutted. My failure to protect him might have actually done more than I’d thought.
Jasmine’s arms came around me, warmth filling my body. “I’m so sorry, Zander.”
I hugged her back, and I did it tightly. “Just tell me about how soon we’ll be back in our house trying to woo the fuck out of each other.”
“Oh, we will be. We’ll go to the house and you won’t even be ready for how hard I’m going to woo you. You’ll be sitting there all quiet and innocent, and I’ll come in with wooing the likes of which no mortal has ever seen. You’ll be so wooed that you won’t walk for a week.”
I shut my eyes tightly, pretending like it would be that easy. We had so much ahead of us that I couldn’t see any relaxation for a long, long time. That was if we even lived through any of this. Three trials and mine made clear that something here could actually kill us. It would only get worse, but at least Kizzy and Jasper only had one more round each. The others…
“Are you okay?” Juniper asked as she and Verin approached me.
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. I won, and that’s what matters.” Those words hurt coming out of my mouth. It mattered that an innocent person died so I knew that sometimes you couldn’t save everyone. I could have figured out that lesson another way.
“You did good,” Verin told me with a pat on my arm. “You saved a lot of people.”
But not everyone.
Our demigod escort led us to a buffet, though I wanted nothing to do with a meal. I couldn’t even tell what time it was, but sat in a private room, getting served like kings and queens. Considering we’d been drugged, I wasn’t terribly happy with a stranger bringing me food. I still accepted it, too numb to do much else.
“I don’t like that they don’t have Callie and the others here,” Kizzy said as someone poured her wine. She glared at it, reaching for her water. “How come they don’t get to be with us?”
Our server answered. “This room is exclusively for our heroes. Staff eats in the hotel.”
This room didn’t feel so grand to me. Maybe I just preferred to eat in our own kitchen, with a sense of urgency that I finished in time to get it all clean before Juniper came downstairs. But the gold painted chairs, the marble pillars, and the largeness of it all didn’t do anything for me.
They served us all sorts of things pertaining to what we would normally eat. Juniper and Verin had some kind of chicken thing, I had meat galore, Jasmine had a little of everything and a whole bunch of pasta, and Kizzy and Jasper shared some very colorful food. I wished I could have tasted any of it, but the flavor fell flat on my tongue.
I couldn’t help but notice how quiet the meal was. What could you even talk about when you’d just watched a person die a miserable death? The person I’d left to die, died alone and tied up, terrified. I couldn’t erase that. Everyone had been scared, but no one came to save that last girl.
After the meal, the six of us were brought back up to our hall by Ellie, who had a permanent grin on her face as she marched around with a clipboard. She gave me a pat on the back, congratulating me on my win. Everyone kept calling it a win.
“Thanks,” I said flatly to the woman.
“You were wonderful,” she said. “I’ve never seen anyone move so fast. The way you burst through that one wall that was on fire… Wow. I mean, everyone was going crazy when they saw it.”
My stomach twisted around as I held back a gag.
Kizzy stepped in with a fake smile on her face. “I think that’s enough, don’t you?”
The demigod paled. “Sorry, I got a little excited. It’s rare for an especially good thing to happen around here.”
“Is that what you call good?” Jasmine asked, her arms crossed over her chest. “Is any of this good to you?”
Ellie cleared her throat. “Actually, I have to get back to my desk. You all have a nice evening. Goodnight!”
I’d never seen someone press an elevator button so hard before. She stood there, awkwardly casting us glances before she got on and scurried to where we couldn’t see her.
“Sorry, but I think I need to duck out for the night,” I said. “If you all wanna hang out some more, go for it.” I kissed Jasmine on the top of her head before dismissing myself to our room and closing the door.
After yanking my new shoes off, I collapsed onto the bed. No matter how much sleep I got, I doubted I would ever feel fully awake again. I laid there for an indeterminant amount of time, staring at the wall. I tried to make my mind go blank, but couldn’t.
The door opened and closed again, and I saw something moving closer to me from the corner of my eye. That adorable something hopped onto our bed and put her weight on my back. Jasmine sat on me, rubbing my back and shoulders while I laid there like a lump.
“I meant it when I said you could stay with them,” I said. “I don’t want you to feel bad.”
“You couldn’t have possibly thought I would leave you all alone right now. Unless you wanted to be alone.”
“You’re the only person I want to be around.”
I flipped over, Jasmine steadying herself so she didn’t fall from my body. She straddled my lap, rubbing my arms and shoulders now that she didn’t have access to my back anymore. I couldn’t help but think about how I’d just had burns everywhere she touched. I could still feel the flames when I let my guard down for too long.
“I hope your trial is doing laundry or something,” I said to Jasmine. “Surely the future of the world depends on someone being great at eyeballing how much detergent is needed.”
She smiled down at me, her soft hands squeezing my arms. “I would kick that trial’s ass, along with anything else they threw at me. I don’t know if you know this, but I’m a goddess.”
“Are you? I couldn’t tell, what with the lack of broken furniture in our room from all the rough sex we’ve had since you’ve been godded.”
She smirked, proud. “I think you should show proof that something great happened every time you have sex. Otherwise, what’s the point.”
I didn’t say anything, lying still on the bed. Jasmine kept up her massage, telling me all about how she would nail the laundry trial came down to that. Her insane detail made me think she wanted to distract me, but it happened to be exactly what I needed at the moment. To be fair, Jasmine had an amazing game plan if it turned out to actually be cleaning clothes.
I groaned when I heard a knock at the door, about to stop Jasmine from answering it when she hopped off me. I didn’t bother reaching for her arm, too tired to make the effort to stop her. I sat up to see Jasmine leading Heracles into our room, and I truly hadn’t been expecting that.
“I saw what happened,” the man said. “I’m so sorry, guys. I didn’t realize they would actively set up humans to die. Possibly die, sure, but not this. They should never have involved them.”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
He sighed. “They could have found a way around it if they wanted to. It wouldn’t have even been that hard. I guess the gods just don’t care enough.”
I already knew that. It had taken me too many years to figure out and accept it, but I knew so completely that the gods would let anyone and everyone die if it meant getting them closer to what the
y wanted. We were nothing but playthings for them in the end.
“It really spoke volumes,” I said. “The thing is, I understand why they wanted me to learn the lesson. I get it. Sometimes there needs to be collateral damage. There’s no way to avoid it. The problem is, now I don’t know what they consider collateral damage. I mean… are we? Are we all nothing more than weapons? Do we even look like people to them?”
Staring down at the floor, Heracles tapped the carpet with his toe. “Speaking as someone who’s been screwed over a lot by the gods, I hate to say yes. Hera literally tortured me my whole life because my father is a pig. She took it all out on me, and I don’t think she’s ever felt a moment of guilt for it. In her eyes, my existence is an insult to her. Then there’s all of you, who are the perfect tools to help them win against this upcoming war. If they think hurting you would make you better, they will. If it costs a few humans their lives, then that’s the price they pay.”
“They aren’t even the ones paying it,” Jasmine quietly said. “What’s it to them if someone dies? Or if someone is getting tortured so they can get what they want? The gods are selfish, with no exceptions.”
Heracles agreed. “It’s unfortunate that they’re the ones pulling all the strings when you have to know the truth of them. You learn to live with it though. You learn to work around it when you can. The six of you seem to be doing as well as you can. You’ve been in the gods’ messes for a while now and you’re all fine.”
I snorted at that. “The seers all died, and the only reason they’re alive and immortal right now is because of what they can do for the gods. It’s because they need them, and they need my sister, me, and Verin. None of this was done for kindness.”
“No,” Heracles said. “But you still got what you wanted. That’s what I meant. The gods play, so you play back. You use whatever you can to get what you need. They use you as weapons, but now your seers are the strongest of weapons.”
I felt the frown forming on my face. “It’s a game. I don’t like that this is a game to them, so why would I start to play it back?”