by Nicole Thorn
When the sisters stood beside each other, Hera put a hand on Juniper’s shoulder. “Your trial is a simple one,” she said. “All you have to do is tell Jasmine.”
Juniper blinked. “Tell her what?”
Coldly, Hera repeated, “Tell her.”
I didn’t know what about that did it, but those words communicated something to Juniper that sent pure terror into her body. And then I understood, the only secret she had springing to the front of my mind. The only thing she could tell Jasmine that would be worthy of a trial. Verin knew it too, and I watched him become resigned as the rest of us stopped breathing.
Juniper stared at her unsuspecting sister, her breaths shallow as her lips parted. “Jasmine…”
Jasmine said nothing, trapped in that stare. She looked almost as afraid as Juniper was.
Finally, Juniper forced the words from her mouth. “Verin killed Dad.”
Jasmine
I froze. It all became too much, and I didn’t know what to do. The crowd, the lights, the words, the trials, my mistake, it all pounded into me at once. Everything swirled around in my head until I couldn’t see anything around me. I didn’t… I couldn’t… I wanted to ask what that meant, I wanted to ask Juniper if she had just lied to me. I wanted a lot of things, none of them something that I’d get. I couldn’t even speak.
Someone touched my shoulder, anchoring me back in my body. Hera’s hand rested on me, a smile on her face. There had been several times in my life that I’d wanted to punch a god, usually when they had done something to upset Zander. Right then, I wanted nothing more than to blast her into nothingness.
I stepped out of her reach and turned on my sister. “What the fuck are you talking about?” I finally managed to say. “Dad died by accident. A shelf fell over on him.”
Juniper shifted her feet, her hands wringing the bottom of her shirt. Absurdly, I thought about how the wrinkles would bother her later and how uncertain she had to feel to risk it. “Did you really believe that, ever?” Juniper asked. “I mean, who dies because a shelf fell on them?”
“No!” I shouted, stepping away from her. Tears had sprung to my eyes. “He died by accident!”
“He didn’t,” Verin said, stepping forward.
I looked over at him, expecting to see some kind of malice in his eyes. To see some joy at being able to hurt me like this, but he didn’t have that. He looked resolved and unbothered. “I found out what he did to Juniper and I went to take care of the problem. For all of you, but mostly for her. I didn’t want to see Juniper ever cry over that man again, so I made sure that he wouldn’t be able to hurt her. I dropped the shelf on him only after I finished everything so that it would look like an accident.”
“No, no, no,” I said, shoving my hands into my hair.
Juniper shifted her feet away from me. Distantly, I was aware of the crowd watching in rapt fascination. I could hear their hearts beating faster as they watched everything in my life breaking apart. I’d done so much damage in such a short amount of time, and now I found that the people I loved had been adding their own cracks to the foundation.
“I’m not sorry,” Verin said.
Those words did more than to convince me than anything else that had been said. I looked up at him, seeing the truth of his declaration in the way his eyes stayed steady, in the way his hands hung loosely at his sides.
“Who are you to decide that?” I shouted, getting to my feet. “Who are you to decide that someone should die, just because you didn’t like them?”
“He didn’t want us to get hurt anymore,” Juniper said, stepping toward me.
I whipped around to face her, backing away so that we wouldn’t touch. “Don’t lay that bullshit on me! It had nothing to do with me or Jasper, and I know it. Verin only cares about you. The rest of us could die as long as he gets to keep you. He did this because of you!”
Juniper winced. “But was he wrong? Are you saying that Dad didn’t deserve to die for all the things that he did to us?”
“We aren’t the ones that get to decide that!” I screamed, even louder. “You and Jasper hated him, but he was our father. And he decided—”
“Jasmine.” Zander’s soft word cut through my tirade. He was probably the only one that could have gotten me to stop the rambling. I whipped around to stare at him, knowing that he would understand why I felt so upset. I knew he hated my father for the same reasons that Verin did, but he would understand the tears in my eyes, and he’d comfort me.
Zander stared at me, his blue eyes so intense that I felt everything become still around me. I wanted to freeze the moment because I knew whatever he said next, it would hurt. I wanted to stop everything, because… because I needed Zander to be on my side for this one. I needed someone to feel the way that I felt about everything.
“I talked him into it,” Zander said.
For the second or third or tenth time that day, my legs went weak. I held myself up with a pure force of will. “W-what are you talking about?” I asked.
Zander swallowed. “I talked Verin into killing your father because I wanted him dead, but I knew that you would never forgive me for killing him.”
More tears spilled down my cheeks. “You couldn’t have done that—”
“Don’t take the blame,” Verin said, looking at Zander. “I’m the one that killed him.”
“I manipulated you into hating him more because I knew that you would do what I couldn’t,” Zander said. “And I didn’t care if it ruined you and Juniper.”
“I knew what you were doing the entire time,” Verin said. “If I didn’t want to kill him, then I wouldn’t have done it. I made the decision. You just gave me the reason to make the decision.”
Zander turned back to me. “Maybe that’s true, maybe not, but the fact still remains. I chose to tell Verin things that I knew would send him over the edge. I told him what I needed to tell him so that he would take care of your father and we’d never have to deal with him again.”
I sucked in a hard breath, one that hurt all the way to my bones. I felt cold and isolated. My entire body shook, and not just because of what everyone said to me. Not just because my boyfriend and eventual brother-in-law had colluded to kill my father. That part of me, the part that kept asking why any of this mattered, made me cold. It froze me from the inside out. I didn’t know who that voice belonged to, what god had planted it, but it couldn’t have been mine.
Then I realized that Jasper had been silent throughout this entire thing. I turned to look at him. He and Kizzy stood off to the side, away from the rest of us, and he looked unsurprised. He watched us all with the mildest expression of worry in his eyes, but he didn’t look surprised. Neither did Kizzy.
“Jasp?” I asked.
He met my eyes.
“You knew?” I asked. “All of you knew this, all of you knew that Verin killed Dad, and none of you told me? You’re all okay with this?” I waved my hand to encompass my entire family.
Jasper rubbed the back of his head. “I’m not okay with it, necessarily. We had cut Dad out, so I’m not convinced that he needed to die.” The look on Kizzy’s face said that she disagreed. “But I also don’t think he deserved to live. I’m not sure what I feel, but I don’t feel any anger toward Verin for what he did. I’ve wanted to kill Dad for the things that he did to you and Juniper.”
I turned to Juniper. She dropped her eyes, her arms crossed over her chest tightly. I wanted this entire thing to stop. I wanted the cameras to quit rolling, I wanted to hide, I wanted to go back to a few weeks ago when everything had felt right. When the world had been functioning the way it should have been.
My heart started to thunder as I stumbled off the stage. I blindly made my way toward the door that would lead to the green room. Behind me, I could hear someone—Hera, Callie, it didn’t matter—announcing that Juniper had beat her trial and that we only had four more to go. Four more where we could fail or succeed. None of the words mattered. They didn’t even elicit the gui
lt and pain that they should have, because I felt too much.
Nothing hurt, because everything hurt.
I’d barely managed to get through the door before my rubbery legs gave out and I collapsed on the carpet right outside the green room. My heart thundered, my head spun. I didn’t even know how to react. Everyone I loved had been keeping this huge secret from me. In their own ways, they had all contributed to the death of my father. The man who had raised me. Sure, he fucked up every chance he could, he had abused us to no end, but he had been my father. He had been the human tie to the world when I had been growing up. Didn’t that matter? Didn’t that mean anything?
I didn’t even know anymore. I hadn’t known how to feel when Dad died, because I’d been crying so much, even when it seemed like our lives would be better without that man in them.
“Jasmine,” Zander said from behind me, in a similar voice to the one he had used on stage. He touched my arm, and I scrambled away from him, finding the strength to get back on my feet.
“Don’t you fucking dare!” I shouted, holding my hand out to keep him from getting a step closer to me.
He looked like I had slapped him. Something in me shouted to touch his arms, to pull him close.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“Sorry?” I laughed. “You helped someone murder my father. Doesn’t sorry seem a little inadequate to you?”
He looked down at his shoes. “It does.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?” I asked. “Why would all of you keep this a secret from me?”
“I didn’t know what to say. Even as I was telling Verin about the stuff Brock used to do to you three, part of me felt like he wouldn’t actually do anything. And if he did, then maybe I didn’t have to tell you. Maybe it could be something between him and me. But then he told Juniper, and Kizzy figured it out and she told Jasper. It wasn’t this plan to keep a secret from you.”
I had my arms wrapped around my middle. “You all lied to me for months,” I said. “Every single one of you, you lied to me.”
He closed his eyes. “I know.”
“All of you!”
“I know.” He sounded pained now like someone had started trying to peel his skin off. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I know it sounds so small in comparison to what I did, but I am. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to you and I shouldn’t have done what I did with Verin.”
“You shouldn’t have manipulated a man into doing your dirty work,” I said since he didn’t seem capable of putting the action into words.
He looked down at his shoes. “Yeah.”
“But you did,” I said. “And then you lied about it so that it could be used against me here!” I gestured to the building at large.
The door opened and more of my family streamed out. “All of you lied to me!” I said. “And you!” I pointed at Verin, trying to keep my voice somewhat under control. “You acted as if I was the worst thing to ever walk the planet when you had something like this under your hat? Fuck you!”
“You’ve been walking around like nothing could touch you for weeks,” Verin shot back, glaring at me. “And you screwed the rest of us over. If we lose the war, then it will be because of you!”
“You murdered my father and are acting like I’m the one that did the worst thing possible. I made a mistake!” My voice cracked when the words came out. “I know that I made a mistake. I’m sorry, and I can’t say that enough. But you made a choice.”
“You were so stupid that you didn’t take a second to think about why there would be a bottle of booze in your room!” he shouted back. “We’ve been going through hell for days now, and the gods have been using every emotional string they can pull to ensure that we have every chance to fail, but you were so high and mighty that you didn’t for a second think about why that bottle was in your room? Yeah, you made a mistake, but that mistake was also a choice. You didn’t want to see it, so you didn’t see it!”
“Shut up!” I screamed while Juniper tried to pull Verin back and Zander tried to do the same thing with me. “You don’t understand what it’s like trying to fight what everything in your brain is telling you to do! You wanted to kill my father, so you did it! You wanted to slaughter a bunch of people that had nothing to do with your mother’s death, so you did it! You don’t know what it’s like to have to fight every second of every day and feeling like you’re losing, even when you’re doing the only thing you can. You don’t know what it’s like to sit at a restaurant and know that you can make yourself feel better, and it’ll only cost you everything. You don’t know what it’s like to be unable to think beyond the knowledge that something will make you feel better for ten minutes, when nothing makes you feel better! When you know that you have to be cheerful and happy when the only thing you want is to shrivel up in a dark corner and never wake up again!”
Zander had his hands on my arms, but his touch didn’t do anything to stop me. I just kept screaming, because something in my head had broken and I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t keep the words from flooding out.
“You don’t know anything about what goes on in my head or how alone I feel, because I know that what’s wrong with me isn’t like what’s wrong with everyone else. People don’t think less of Jasper for bottling up his emotions, because he doesn’t hurt anyone. People don’t think less of Juniper for needing to have eighteen cups in the cabinet in a certain order, because she’s not doing any harm. But gods forbid I slip up because then it’s all my fault, I’ve fucked up, I’ve ruined my life again, and everyone gives me that look.”
I pointed right at Verin, who stared at me like I had done something wrong like my wiring hadn’t been put in right. The look that said, why can’t she just stop. It’s not that hard. Just don’t drink. When you see the bottle, just don’t drink. Walk away from it. Pretend like it doesn’t exist. If she really wanted it, she’d be able to walk away. The look that said that I was weak. No one understood that just the sight of the bottle froze my legs in place, the thought of a single sip felt more tempting than anything else in my life had. They didn’t understand, because they didn’t want to understand.
“I know that I ruined everything.” My words barely made sense anymore, because of the tears running down my face, the sobs coming out behind each sound that I made. “I know that I screwed it up for all of you. I know that, but none of you take even a second to wonder if I’m all right, if I actually feel cheerful that day. Did it ever occur to you that I was acting that way because the only other option was to break into a thousand tiny pieces?”
Verin sneered at me, and I felt like my chest would explode. “You were making an arse of yourself because you were just that sad?”
Everything stilled again. Zander had loosened his arms around me, and I knew it was because my words had hurt him. They always hurt him, because he could never just let me be a mess. I had to pretend to be cocky and cheerful for him because I could never fall apart without it being about something he did wrong. And Kizzy had turned away from me, while Jasper had a profound look of sadness. Juniper had tears in her eyes, but Verin… Verin looked just like I thought he would. Like I had done something wrong and had been weak because I couldn’t hold it together. Because I couldn’t make myself act the way he thought I should be acting.
He stared at me the way that Dad used to stare at me when I was little and crying. I could hear Dad’s words in my head, telling me that I had to be cheerful. No one liked a mopey girl. I had to make sure that everyone knew that I would be so much fun to hang around, or they would think there was something wrong with me.
I learned to hide behind the smiles and I fooled everyone. I fooled every single person that loved me. And now Verin gave me the look I’d been fearing since the day I stopped drinking. The look that told me that what was inside my head couldn’t be true, because it didn’t match up with the way I acted outside of my head.
That thing in my brain had already snapped, my
control had broken, and I did the only thing I could.
I punched Verin in the face. I had the mental presence to pull back enough that I didn’t kill him, but his nose snapped underneath my knuckles. He stumbled backward, his legs going out from under him. People shouted around me, and I knew this would be another example of how terrible I had become.
My act had been so great that I fooled everyone in the hallway. For a while, I’d even fooled myself. And now that the façade had started to break, no one wanted to believe the real girl underneath.
Zander
W isely, no one tried to come in for an interview. This would have made for the exact entertainment they wanted, but I might have killed people. Literally killed people. I wouldn’t have been able to stop. I’d proved that to myself in the past, and I had no more control now than I did when I was thirteen.
Verin reeled back, Juniper catching him as blood left his face. I couldn’t even tell from where. It didn’t matter. People screamed around me, drowning out so much in my head.
It was noise. Nothing but noise as Verin made a sound of pain, Juniper yelled at her sister, Kizzy scolded her, and I cursed. I realized we were all losing our minds. Really and truly, we were going mad. What good would we have been in a war if we were all insane? Did the gods know this would happen?
I had no idea what to do. Everyone’s emotions swam around me, exploding in my brain like dynamite. Juniper was furious, Verin hurt, Jasper worried, Kizzy was shocked, Jasmine felt betrayed, and me… I didn’t know what I felt. Too much happened around me to even understand what was real and what wasn’t. I still had echoes of excitement pulsing in me from the crowd in the other room. Righteousness from the Olympian there too. It became too much, and I couldn’t breathe anymore.
I started walking, no idea where I would end up. The screams went on behind me and they meant nothing when I couldn’t get the other noise out of me. The primal and hot emotions bursting in everyone I loved seemed louder than the screams. They didn’t mean to hurt me, but they might as well have all been bullets.