by DK Andrews
can feel my worry increase again. I breathe. I need to get some sleep. I put my hand on my forehead to try and calm down. I’m nervous about seeing Gabriel tomorrow. My stomach is tight, but it doesn't feel like anxiety this time. Could it be butterflies? Ugh, that’s way too romantic for me.
Micah has been asleep for awhile now; I can’t believe I’m still awake. Perhaps its anxiety about leaving loose ends? Gloria is taken care of, I won’t have to see her again. And as soon the Conversion is done, Micah will go to his grandparents. I exhale and catch myself thinking of what I’m going to wear tomorrow. Why would I care? Am I trying to impress Gabriel?
When will I bring myself to tell Christina about the Conversion? That I’ve sold my life. It’s going to be difficult. How can I break the sad news to her, to someone who has been so kind to me and asked for nothing in return?
I turn onto my side; I never could fall asleep on my back. But tonight even my side is uncomfortable; my shoulder hurts, so I roll onto my back again and cover my face with the blanket. I’m so confused! I’m not afraid of death; I’m really not. I’m only afraid of fighting my fear. I have so little time remaining to live; I want to know what love is! I want to die fearlessly. I want to experience closeness; I want to feel attraction. I have no time to reason; I have no time to analyze.
CLOSER
When I open my eyes, I feel absolutely exhausted. I didn’t even hear Christina, Matt, and the boys leaving. I’m frustrated that I didn’t get to say goodbye to Micah. I won’t see him for the whole weekend. I sit up in bed and take a moment to think. My mind is racing, but the anticipation of today’s Mentior session brings up in me an excitement that I’ve never felt before. It soothes me, and I find myself smiling.
Christina had laid out a few dresses for me. I pick a fun, orange cotton dress with a pleated waistband and pockets. Incredible color! I pair it with a white cardigan, to cover up my scars and the Ultima black bracelet. I hope they remove this bracelet from my wrist when I die.
When I get to Ultima, Dr. Kismen comments on my dress. “Such a bright color!” she says, appearing to be in much better spirits today. I crack my knuckles out of nervousness as we walk to the treatment room. I still have to get used to this procedure, and the uneasiness is overwhelming. “That sounds painful,” Dr. Kismen says, grimacing.
The Mentior is connected, and I’m laying down on the bed. “So, how are you today?” I ask.
“I’m fine, thank you for asking.” She looks down at her shoes. “And, again, I wanted to apologize about yesterday.”She clears her throat. “If I said something upsetting, it wasn’t my intention.”
“It’s fine,” I reply with an easy smile. “We all have days like that.” and finally catch her eyes. “That’s very true,” she says, returning my smile.
I can still see the sadness in her eyes. As she’s about to put the helmet on me, I touch her forearm and stop her, saying, “What did you mean yesterday when you said I made a deadly wrong decision?”
“Alina, please don’t read too much into it. Yesterday was just a bad day for me.”
I push back. “Please don’t waste my time by using canned phrases to explain yourself. Just please tell me why you think I’ve made the wrong decision? Pretend I’m your friend, not a patient.”
She sighs, knowing I won’t let it go unless she gives me something. “I just think we are all given life, and we should live it and make the most of it.”I don’t pressure her to tell me more—there is little else she can say. “Let’s begin now,” she says quietly.
The visor drops over my eyes. My heart beats fast, but this time it’s not because I’m afraid of my memories, but because I know that soon I will be with Gabriel.
I know the route from my high school grounds to the city center very well now. It takes me only a few moments to escape my memory and head toward the harbor.
The harbor is home to creaking boats on waves and gulls that fill the air with beating wings and mournful cries. There you can smell the salty breeze and the fresh white paint along the sea wall. The ocean brings life, movement, and a place to rest the eye away from the bustle of life in the city. But above all for me, it is where I meet my friends. Friends that, at the moment, I can’t seem to find. I crack my knuckles, once for luck. “They should be here any minute now,” I say out loud to calm myself down.
I feel a light tap on my shoulder, and a sudden rush of heat travels through my body. I jump back with a scream from the scare.
“Easy, easy, Alina! It’s just me!” Gabriel says as he slowly turns me to face him.
“You really scared me there!” I say, catching my breath.
“Yes I know,” I’m always on guard; it's from never knowing if Gloria’s fist would be coming at me from somewhere.
“Sorry about that. Hey, nice color by the way. You look great.”Gabriel defuses an awkward moment for us both.
I blush.
“No flowers today?” I ask.
“Ha, no, not today.”
I pretend to look for the others.“Have you seen Nicole and Sophie?”
“I haven’t, no. They might be at Fantasy world again, I suppose. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the case, Sophie can probably only picture her perfect future there.
“Do you want to go across the bridge and look for them?” Gabriel asks.
“Can we?”
“Certainly, we have the whole day.”
I start walking, knowing that he will follow. Should I tell him now that I’m a Dator? Should I wait until the end of the day? I can’t seem to find any words…It should be so simple for me to explain—it’s not like I’m breaking the news to Micah or something.
“What are you thinking about?” Gabriel asks.
“Life,” I say with a frown. “Look, Gabriel, I have to tell you something.”
“Sure, what is it?” Gabriel stops and listens. I look into his blue eyes and suddenly can’t speak.
“Yes Alina, I’m listening. What do you need to tell me?”
I still can’t find the words, any words…. “Um…”
Gabriel can see that I’m struggling and tries to help me out by releasing the pressure. “Well, whenever you’re ready, you can tell me.”
“Thank you,” I say, looking down. We keep walking in silence.
Around the wharf, people are rushing around, going about their business, trying to catch a ferry or a train. It’s a strange feeling to be invisible—we’re just strolling around without a care. I catch myself staring at Gabriel. He’s curious, looking around, watching people. He’s developed a taste for life. It’s odd being next to someone who’s fighting so hard to live when I’ve given up.
Ahead of us is the oldest quarter of the city. I’ve been here a few times. From what I remember, this is where European settlers stepped ashore in the seventeenth century. This area went through a significant transformation over two hundred years from a rowdy, raucous settlement of convicts, soldiers, sailors, and street gangs into a slick, trendy area with cool coffee shops and overpriced restaurants.
There is a steep flight of stairs to climb before we can get to the base of the bridge. Gabriel extends his hand to me. “Don’t worry, Alina; I’m not trying to hit on you. I just want to help you up to these stairs,” he says with sincerity. I’m skeptical. I know it’s just a simple gesture, but to me, it means a lot.
I reluctantly give him my hand, and he wraps his long fingers around it. Lights strokes of furor run through my blood. Skin contact with Gabriel feels so intense. I still can’t figure out if I like it, but the fact is, I’m not afraid as I was two days ago. One step at a time, I guess—I only wish I had more time. He pulls me up the stairs quickly, but tenderly, and it's like we float to the top. I begin to laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Gabriel asks, laughing as well, presumably supporting me.
“Nothing, I’m just feeling strange.”
“How so?”
“I’m honestly not sure, I just feel like laughing, or even dancing!”
I break into a little dance called a foxtrot that I’d seen in a movie a while back.
“Wow!”Gabriel chuckles.“I think the word that you are looking for is ‘happy’?”
“Happy?” I ask, taken aback at the idea.
“I mean, you look happy,” Gabriel says.
“I’m happy! I’m happy!” I shout the words as I jump up and down on the spot and clap my hands. I spread my arms and spin. “I’m happy!”
Gabriel’s chuckle turns into a loud laugh. “If I’d known that climbing stairs could make someone so happy, I would have done it more often!”
I look at him; I know my face radiates light.
“You probably won’t believe me, but, in all honesty, I’ve never really felt happy. This is a very new feeling for me.”
Gabriel reaches for my hand as we start to walk again, but I pull away.
We walk further along to where the magnificent bridge begins. “Did you know,” he asks, pointing ahead, “that this Bridge is the largest steel arch bridge in the world?”He pauses and then clarifies. “Not the longest, but still the largest.”
“Really?”
“Yes,” he says, looking down.“I know, I know. Useless information.”
“No, no! Very informative.”
“I’m full of trivia like that.”
I sprint ahead. I’m feeling free and like I’m somehow detached from the earth. Even though I have contemplated suicide on this bridge so many times, I now look at it differently. I look at it as “the world’s largest steel arch bridge.”Gabriel follows and finally catches me,