by DK Andrews
sessions?”
“Yes, I definitely remember.”
“Right… Well, that day was the anniversary of Damien’s death. I felt shattered—I apologize for taking it out on you.”
“That’s OK,” I say.
“It seems impossible to recover from the loss of a loved one,” she says, turning the wheel and looking into her side mirror.
“I imagine it’s probably very hard.”
“Sometimes it’s just unbearable. You are so lucky you’ve never lost someone you love.”
It’s the second time I’ve heard her say that, and her words still seem unfair. Suddenly defensive, I say, “Yes, that’s right! I’m so lucky I’ve never lost anyone I love! But let me ask you something, Dr. Kismen: has your mother ever pimped you out to be raped by some monster?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Just answer me!” I demand.
“No! That’s horrible!
“Isn’t it? You are lucky that it never happened to you!” I keep on: “Do you get bullied and insulted at your workplace and home on a daily basis?”
“No.”
“Well, you are so lucky then!” I turn and look out the window. “You said to me before that you don’t know everybody’s story, so you can’t just assume that a person is lucky because they haven’t lost someone. What if that person never even had someone to love or someone who loved them?” I cross my arms, prepared for a rebuttal.
The sun is getting brighter now, so Deanna reaches for her sunglasses and puts them on. “I hear you, Alina.”
I expect on the subject, but that was it: “I hear you.” A heavy silence falls between us all the way back to the Ultima Center.
“I will have to drop you here,” Deanna says pulling the car to the side of the road. “It will take you about ten minutes to walk to Ultima. I just don’t want anyone to see us together. Patients and doctors shouldn’t be hanging out together.”
“OK,” I say, eager for the fresh air anyway.
“Alina” she calls.
“Yes?” I turn to Deanna and stop myself from opening the car door.
“I just—” she begins,“—I will see in a few minutes.” After a long breath, she says, “And your bracelet is still deactivated. I will see you soon.”
I nod in acknowledgment. The bracelet is de-activated—in essence, she is giving me a pass to run, to escape. She wants to save me, maybe by saving me she will overcome the burden of guilt she feels after losing Damien.
I look down at my shoes and watch my feet dragging me toward Ultima.
Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel! I saw the real him today, and I didn’t care how he looked—all I wanted was to be with him, to surround him with my care. I have to see him again. My feelings are real—they are as clear as day. My body and my soul need to see him just as much as I need oxygen. I can't abandon him there in Mentior; I can’t doom his chance to live. How could I live with myself knowing that Gabriel couldn’t go through The Conversion, and died in a result? Why did I run into him that day? Why did he give me hope for tomorrow? Why did he show me the beauty of the world? Why did he bring out the passion in me?
I realize that it’s not my brain that is leading me to Ultima, but rather my heart and my desire for Gabriel. I reach into my purse for a tissue, but instead, I grab my phone—one message notification. Who could it be from? Gloria, of course.
“I know what you are up to, you conniving brat! You better come back home, otherwise, I promise you and Micah will suffer!!!!!” Reading her threatening message scares me at first, but then I come to my senses and realize it’s just an empty threat. She will never see Micah again; she doesn’t know where he is. I will not let her ruin his life. I turn off my phone and shove it back into my purse. I wish I could just throw it away. My life would have been so different if only Gloria was dead! I don’t care what she has to say!
Angry, I walk faster. The automatic doors of Ultima open up just in time for me to barge in.
Dolores is in her usual spot, staring at her computer screen. Dr. Kismen stands nearby her. I sense what seems to be a tinge of disappointment in her eyes—I don’t know if she expected to see me.
“Good morning,” I say to Dolores.
“You’re here,” Dr. Kismen says with surprise.
“Of course she’s here,” Dolores chimes in, chuckling. “Where else would she be?”
Dr. Kismen and I look at each other, and she signals for me to follow her.
Once in the room, she puts on the Mentior helmet. “Ready?” she asks. “Can I assume you won’t be spending time in your memories today?”
“Nope. Not so long as it doesn’t interrupt the process. I prefer to be happy in my final days, next to my friends.”
“Your friends?”
“Yes! Sophie, Nicole, and Gabriel. They are my friends. Friends that I will miss terribly when I go.”
Dr. Kismen’s face turns compassionate, and she strokes my hand with hers. Her touch is warm and caring.
The glass visor comes down slowly.
“You have a good session, Alina,” she says, cheering me on.
“I most certainly will!”
I admit, though, that fear still lives in me—it is an invisible demon sitting heavy on my shoulders. What if Deanna is lying to me and glitch has been fixed? I say a prayer to myself: Gabriel, please wait for me, I need to see you, and I need to hold you! I want to be with you!
Awakening in my memory, I start running. I don’t think I’ve ever run as fast as I’m running right now. I need to get away from my dreadful memories. I approach the theater and see people scattered all around, walking in different directions. My heart is nearly jumping out of my chest. I scan the crowd but see no signs of Gabriel, Nicole, or Sophie. Sweat runs down my temples. I move amongst the families, my eyes darting more wildly with each passing second, noticing any blonde boy wearing jeans, hoping it might be Gabriel, but to no avail. I’m close to giving up, when, in the distance, I suddenly catch a glimpse of a familiar figure. The glow on my face is impossible to hide, affection and tenderness fill my soul. I run into his arms, and his lips form a big smile. He catches my restless body and lifts me up. I clasp his body with my legs—he’s not going anywhere now. And there I see it—the most coveted, a most long-awaited glance that I’ve waited my whole life for. Gabriel doesn’t need to say anything. I see the way he looks at me. He learns every feature of my face; he’s searching for a confirmation of a mutual feeling.
I push back his hair, and my eyes tell him everything he needs to know. I slightly touch his lips with my cold fingers. I want to take in every inch of his breath. Our lips merge into one, and our hearts beat in unison. I hold his face so tightly.
I am free: no dark thoughts, no suffering—nothing negative is in my head. Only Gabriel, and his kiss. It’s hard to break the rhythm of our passion, but this has to be the time. I can’t bring myself to feel any more, to desire any more from him. I’m forever damaged and can’t be healed.
I force my eyes open in the hopes that it will make it easier for me to let go of him. I was wrong—so wrong. Watching him being so invested and consumed in me made my craving even stronger. But I find my inner strength and release my strong grasp, letting his torso free.
He gently helps me find my balance while still keeping his lips on mine.
I trip over my foot. Gracefulness is not my strong suit, that’s for sure. It makes me laugh, and I lean backward to prevent him from kissing me while I giggle, but somehow he still manages to find my lips.
“Gabriel, Gabriel! Stop!” I say, laughing, while finally setting myself free from his embrace. Unromantically, I wipe the lower half of my face to hide the evidence from Nicole’s eagle eyes.
“Sorry, sorry!” Gabriel says playfully. “I just can’t stop kissing you.” His eyes have a joyful flame in them. I didn’t see it this morning at Novus—that flame has been extinguished by his illness.
“I can’t believe what one day of being apart can do to a girl,” he says w
ith a smirk.
“Yeah, I’m sorry I was acting so bizarre yesterday…”
“No worries!” And with that, he confidently takes my hand, and we walk ahead.
“Shall we listen to some music today, or would you be interested in seeing a play instead?”
I have a sudden urge to look for Nicole. I need to share everything that happened to me: my conversations with Dr. Kismen, my visit to the Novus Center, seeing Sophie and Gabriel in real life. I have to share my feelings with someone, or they will overwhelm me, and I wouldn’t be able to control my angst. I ignore his question and ask him gently: “Have you seen Nicole or Sophie?” I ask and smile.
“No. You want to wait for them?” Gabriel knows my answer already. It’s funny how we both can read each other so well already.
“Is that OK?” I ask demurely.
“Of course.”
I put my arm around his waist, and he puts his arm on my shoulder, pulls me in, and kisses my hair.
“You are so cute!” he says.
“Thank you.” I blush.
I breathe in the ocean air, and it reminds me of the morning at Novus. It brings back the memories of Sophie’s lifeless body and Gabriel’s wan face.
“So can I tell you about something weird that happened to me today?” Gabriel asks while leading me to the bench by the water.
“Of course. What happened?”
“Well, I was at the Novus this morning and, um…” Gabriel trails off.
My face goes pale—I’m afraid to know what it is, but I can’t resist.“And?”
“And I was going through doctor’s testing, and then—It was