by DK Andrews
she’s feeling right now. She’s trying very hard to push the words out, but can’t. Her desperately try to hold onto hope, like reaching for an escaped balloon—the string dangling so tantalizingly close but the wind pushes it away, and it's lost forever. The reality is starting to sink in. I can see the sadness beginning to wash over her.
She finally breaks the silence.
“My head hurts,” she says. She rubs her temples and closes her eyes—her mouth lets out a heavy sigh. I gently put my hand on her leg.
“I just feel sad, Alina,” she says in a whisper. “I’m all right, I guess. Just—sad.” She takes a deep breath.
“I understand.”I keep my one hand on her leg and put the other around her back. She rests her head on my shoulder.
“Talk to me,” I say.
“My sadness…it feels like death by a thousand paper cuts. It’s always felt like that. I managed somehow to leave the sadness behind this past week—I mean, Sophie really helped. Now my sadness is back, paper cuts, every time I remember my loss. And now after you told me everything, it's just another cut to my already damaged mind. But it's OK. It’s easier this way in the end. I don’t have to fight anymore—I can finally just accept The Conversion. No point trying to take a gasp of air before death.”
“I’m sorry,” I say as I look into her sad eyes.
“It’s all right Alina,” she nods. “I—” She stops. “Sorry, it’s so hard to explain what I’m feeling.”
“Take your time.”
“Now that the initial shock has worn off, I’m actually happy to give my life to Sophie.” Her eyes fill up with tears yet again as she drifts her gaze onto Sophie and Gabriel. “I’m at peace.” She wipes her tears, and we sit silently, thinking.
“So how do you know for sure that Sophie is my Receiver?” Nicole asks finally.
“Because I went to Novus. I saw her and Gabriel.”
“How did you get in there?” Nicole asks.
“Dr. Kismen—my doctor—she snuck me in,” I explain. “She also told me about Sophie.”
“Maybe, she lied to you,”
“She has no reason to lie.” I take a deep breath “I can trust her.”
“Really?”
“Really. She let me go even though I broke the rules. She showed me the Novus center; she explained everything.”
“I guess that makes sense,” Nicole agrees. “I’m sure you wanted to know who’s receiving your life, then, huh?”
“Actually, I didn’t want to know that. But I was forced to find out.”
“Gabriel?”
“Yeah,” I admit.
This time it’s Nicole who comforts me by hugging me tightly. She has no idea that my bracelet has been deactivated—that I can run away at any time. I can still change my mind if I want to. If I tell her, she will insist that I should run away and save myself, but I want to make my own choice.
“Are you going to tell him?” she asks.
“Not yet,” I reply.
“When then?” Nicole persists. “There’s not a lot of time left.”
“I haven’t decided yet,” I say honestly.
“Your doctor seems to be a good individual. But I admit I’m curious why she’s helping you so much. What’s in it for her?”
“I actually don’t really know. The only think I can think of is because she lost someone she really loved to suicide.” I look up at the sky.
“She did?” Nicole asks, surprised.
“Yes, she told me. And I think that to this day she feels really guilty about the loss, so it’s possible she’s trying to absolve herself in some way by helping—I don’t know,” I shrug.
“I imagine Gabriel will be devastated when he learns the truth,” Nicole says as we see him and Sophie approaching.
I can’t think about that right now; I don’t want to know the consequences of my actions just yet. All I want is be with Gabriel.
“Nicole, Nicole!” Sophie yells, “Gabriel is going to take me to the aquarium and show me dolphins and sharks—big sharks! And then also—” Sophie can’t seem to catch her breath what with all the excitement. “Also there are other fishes that I can see! I want to go!” Sophie jumps onto Nicole’s knees and puts her hands around her neck.
“Yes, sweetheart!” Nicole holds Sophie tight. “Let’s go to the aquarium, and I will show you all the animals of the underwater world.”
Sophie wiggles out off Nicole’s arms and jumps on the ground.“Let’s go now! I want to see dolphins!” Sophie tugs Nicole’s hand. Nicole reluctantly gets off the bench and says to Gabriel, “I will take Sophie to the aquarium. I think you and Alina have a lot to talk about.” She looks back at me, and Gabriel takes his place next to me.
“So?” he asks.
“So?” I say, squeezing my lips together and licking them anxiously.
“I guess no point to me asking what you were guys talking about, right? You are not going to tell me anyway. Am I right? Oh, wait a second! I know the answer: girl’s stuff!” Gabriel smiles as he gently mocks me, impersonating my voice.
“Shut up,” I say with a smile. “I don’t sound like that.”
“Yes, you do!”
“Whatever,” I say as I cross my arms.
“When are you going to trust me already?” he asks. I catch his loving gaze from the corner of my eye.
“What are you talking about? Of course, I trust you. You were the first person I ever told about what happened to me when I was 14.”
“And I appreciate that.”
“Then what else do you need to know?”
“Ugh. Alina, I want to know more about you! I want to know why are you receiving a new life! Who are your parents? What are you and Nicole always so secretive about?”
My head is spinning—how much longer will I be able to avoid his questions? I stand up and walk along the harbor; Gabriel follows. I guess it’s now or never.
“Gabriel,” I say, turning to him, “I just need time. I will tell you everything very soon. You are such a good friend, and I’ve never had friends, so you need to understand that opening up is really difficult for me.”
“Great, so now I’m in the friend zone?”
“That’s the only thing you got from what I just said?”
“It’s important, no?”
Gabriel puts his arm around my waist.
“I guess,” I say, rolling my eyes.
“Hey, don’t roll your eyes so much—they might get stuck at the back of your head” Gabriel laughs. “I don’t want to be just a friend.” He draws me in and leans in to kiss me.
“You are not just a friend.” I move my face to meet his, but he playfully bends backward and stops me from kissing him.
“I’m not?” He raises his eyebrows, and it makes me laugh.
“No!”
He strokes my hair delicately and pulls it back.
“You are so pretty,” he whispers as he kisses my cheek. I blush from the compliment. Kind, wonderful words can transform a person.
“I think I really need you,” Gabriel says and holds me tight
“I need you too,” I whisper in his ear.
“I can’t wait to see you in a real world.”
“Me too,” I say so quietly, he doesn’t hear it.
I indulge in his embrace. I don’t want to think about my brief future—only 12 days left to live.
But, does it need to be the end of me?