Second Thoughts

by Terry O'Reilly

  understood; he was disappointed, not angry or upset. Disappointed

  Nick hadn’t rushed to his defense, hadn’t ridden in with guns

  blazing to rescue him from the evil villain, declaring his love for

  Jesse, telling him how much better off he would be with him rather

  than Denny.

  Jesse sat up, staring unseeing at the stars. “Oh, my God, I’m in

  love with him.”

  CHAPTER 13

  The phone was ringing when Nick came in the front door Monday after school. He nearly tripped over an enthusiastic Clyde, who had come to greet him, as he raced to answer it.

  Jesse? It wasn’t Jesse. The caller ID read U. Kloswick. Nick raised his eyebrows, sighed and picked up the receiver.

  “Hello, Mrs. K.,” he said tentatively.

  “Hi,” answered a cheery voice.

  “Angela?” he asked, relieved it wasn’t his neighbor. He walked to the couch, sat down and pulled Clyde up beside him. The hound sighed deeply and snuggled against his side.

  “Yes, it’s me,” she said laughing. “Would you rather talk with my aunt?”

  “God, no!” He joined her laugh. “No offense to the dear lady, but…”

  “I understand.” After a brief pause, she asked, “So you and Jesse went off together this weekend. I take it this means the rescue mission is under way?”

  “How did you know we—” He stopped, shook his head slowly and continued. “Should’ve known. Nothing gets past your auntie.”

  They laughed again. Then Angela said, “Well, details, details. How did it go?”

  “It didn’t.” Nick sighed.

  “Oh?” his friend replied, sounding disappointed. “What happened?”

  “Denny happened. Can you believe he showed up in Ann Arbor?”

  “You’re kidding me!” Angela exclaimed. “I’m at Aunt Ursula’s. I’m coming right over and you can tell me all about it.”

  A while later they were sitting at the kitchen table sipping coffee as Nick gave details of the weekend.

  “When I figured out that this guy, Carter, was with Denny, I didn’t know what to do,” Nick was relating. “I decided not to tell Jesse until just the right moment because I didn’t want it to seem like I was trying to break them up.”

  Angela looked thoughtful.

  “Then, when Jess figured it out from Denny’s slip about Ann Arbor when he was supposed to be in Atlanta, Jesse got mad at me. Like I was betraying him or something. I don’t understand. I just didn’t want to come off like a home wrecker.” He stopped and looked at Angela hopefully. “Well, Nancy Drew,” he said with a smile, “what do you think?”

  She smiled. Once again, Nick thought of how pretty she was, and how some lucky guy was going to find himself a real gem in this woman.

  “I don’t think Jesse was angry with you.”

  “He sure sounded like he was,” Nick offered.

  “He didn’t yell or call you names or anything like that, right?”

  “No, he was just kinda cold, distant.”

  “He’d just found out his lover was cheating on him. Seems to me that those reactions are pretty par for the course in this situation.”

  Nick considered this for a minute, then said, “But he made me feel like…I don’t know…like…I’d failed him in some way.”

  Nick stared into his half-empty coffee cup. Then he said, almost to himself, “I just sat there, and when he accused me of being on Denny’s side…I…I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to reach out, take him in my arms, tell him I loved him and he’s better off rid of that scum.”

  “But you didn’t,” Angela said in a soft, comforting voice.

  Nick looked up, feeling suddenly very sad. “No, I didn’t. Should I have?”

  “I think he wanted you to.”

  “How do you know that?” Nick asked, confused.

  Angela chuckled softly. “I guess your gaydar doesn’t extend to lovedar.”

  “What do you mean?” Nick continued, still not understanding.

  “Look, remember the night of Aunt Ursula’s dinner party when I told you I thought Jesse had feelings for you?”

  “Yes,” Nick said, thinking of the thrill that had gone through his heart when she’d suggested the possibility.

  “Well, you also remember I didn’t think he was aware you loved him. If I’m reading this right from your description of his behavior when he found out Denny was cheating, he was hoping you’d do or say something to let him know you cared, cared in a way that meant more than mere friendship.”

  Nick shook his head and sighed. “I guess I missed that for sure.”

  Angela continued, “When you didn’t, he was probably discouraged. Since he was already upset with the news he had just received, he reacted the way he did.”

  “What should I do?” Nick asked, looking directly at his guest.

  “Call him. See how he’s doing. And when you have the chance, let him know how you feel.”

  Nick reached out, took Angela’s hand and squeezed it. “You should add Dear Abby to your resume, Ms. Drew.”

  They both laughed.

  * * * Jesse was kind of at loose ends. He’d gone to work on Monday expecting Denny to be home when he got there that evening. He’d rehearsed exactly what he was going to say, so when he got home and found no one there but Shelby, he felt let down. He had built up a good head of steam, and now he had all this anticipatory adrenalin flowing through his body and no outlet. He took Shelby for a walk to work some of it off, figuring Denny would be there when he got back.

  He wasn’t.

  After taking Shelby off her leash, Jesse checked the phone for voice messages. There were none. He was tempted to call Denny and find out where he was, but that was what he would have done before… Before what? Before they broke up? Not knowing what else to do, Jesse made himself some dinner: a can of chili and a pre-made salad. He cleaned up the dishes and sat on the couch.

  Jesse felt drained. He no longer had the pent-up, aggressive energy he’d had when he thought he was going to have his confrontation with Denny.

  Damn him! Not only had Denny humiliated him by being caught with his “boyfriend,” but he now made Jesse feel foolish for coming home ready to do battle, only to find an empty house. He felt like Don Quixote.

  “Where are you?” Jesse asked, lying back on the sofa and staring at the ceiling. “I just want to get this over with.”

  The combination of the sudden drop in his emotional state, plus dinner, worked to make him drowsy, and the next thing he knew Jesse half felt someone kneel down beside him on the couch. Lips brushed his cheek.

  “Mmm,” he mumbled. Nick, he thought. Then he opened his eyes.

  “Hi, sweetheart.”

  “Denny!”

  Jesse sat up. Denny leaned back, got up and sat next to him wearing his most charming smile.

  The combination of being in a deep sleep and the twinge of guilt he felt having happily dreamed Nick was the one who had awakened him threw Jesse off balance. His first reaction was to make sure Denny didn’t suspect what he was feeling for Nick.

  Jesse blinked, shuddered, and without thinking, asked, “How was Atlanta?”

  “It was all right,” Denny replied, his smile deepening. “How was your weekend?”

  By now, Jesse had reoriented to the situation. He stood up, turned and faced Denny, who remained seated on the couch.

  “Liar!” Jesse spat at him. “You weren’t in Atlanta. You were in Ann Arbor!”

  Denny’s smile faded. He sighed through his nose, his lips pressed together.

  “He told you, didn’t he?” It was more a statement than a question.

  “Yes,” Jesse said, still standing over him. “Did you expect him not to? He’s my friend, you know?”

  Denny rose and tried to put his arms around Jesse, who pulled away.

  “If he was such a good buddy, he’d have…should have told you Carter is just a friend.”

  �
�That is what he told me. You told me Carter was your financial planner. It doesn’t take a lot of brains to figure out if this Carter was just a friend or just your financial planner, you’d have been willing to have me meet him. You’d have told me beforehand you were going to Ann Arbor.”

  “Yeah, like you told me you and Nicky boy were running off for a tryst at the Big House!” Denny said, his voice rising.

  Jesse held his ground. “I tried to tell you. I called your cell and left a message for you to call me and let me know if you were coming home. You texted back that you were busy and I should have a good time.”

  “What? I never got a call. I never texted you.”

  Jesse walked to the hall closet. He got his cell phone from his coat pocket and pulled up his messages. “Here, read it for yourself.”

  Denny took the phone and began to read the text softly aloud. His voice trailed off. He looked as if he were trying to recall something. Then he said, “Carter, that bastard!”

  * * *

  Denny sat, his head in his hands. He’d been caught. What should he do? Should he confess he had feelings for Carter and take this opportunity to follow through on his urge to tell Jesse everything and make a clean break? The idea gave him a jolt. Suddenly he wasn’t sure. Jesse was a great guy. Was he ready to break it off with him and start over? He twisted the anniversary ring he had received from Jesse.

  He looked up at his boyfriend, who still stood over him. “Jess…I…Carter is…just a guy I…I picked up,” he found himself saying. “I know it was wrong, but…I…well…I was weak and lonely and…it was just that one time.”

  “Stuff it, Dennis!” Jesse said coldly. “I don’t believe you. After Nick told me, I started thinking of all the extra flight time, our anniversary when you were ‘confused’ about which city you were in, the phone calls you tried to hide and the day you came home from work without wearing a uniform and said Delta was issuing new ones and yours didn’t fit. This has been going on for a long time. If this Carter was a one-time thing, then there were others as well.”

  Denny slumped, his head bowed. Being discovered hurt. He felt embarrassed. He should have come clean with Jesse long ago.

  “No, there weren’t others, just Carter. At first it was just for sex, but it became more. I guess I fell in love with him…if you can believe that,” he said, looking up into Jesse’s face.

  He bit his lip and looked down when he saw how his words had affected Jesse, who looked as if he had been slapped.

  Jesse took a deep breath and sat down next to him, half-turning to face him.

  Encouraged, Denny continued, “Well, I know I should’ve told you, but I wasn’t sure and I didn’t want to mess up what we had if things didn’t—” He realized at once this was the wrong tack to take.

  “I see,” Jesse said, looking defeated. “In other words, I was good enough until something better came along.”

  “Shit, no…I mean…I just…I—”

  “Well, have you decided? Do I measure up to Carter? Am I worth hanging on to? That is until someone else comes along and catches your fancy?”

  Denny didn’t know where to go with this. In reality he wasn’t sure what he wanted. He had had deep feelings for Jesse. He wasn’t sure they were love in light of how he felt for Carter. In the end, Jesse made the choice for him.

  Jesse took his right hand in his. “You remember what I said the night I gave you this ring?” He took hold of the ring with his thumb and index finger, and twisted it on Denny’s hand.

  Denny nodded, looking down at the ring. “You said they were promise rings, friendship rings.”

  “And,” Jesse went on, “I said we’d wear them on our right hands until you were ready and then we’d switch them to our left.”

  Denny looked up at Jesse. He thought for a moment he might cry, but he gritted his teeth and beat down the emotion.

  Jesse slipped the ring off Denny’s finger. “You’re not ready now, and I doubt you ever will be,” he said with a weak smile.

  He took the ring off his own finger and held both rings in the palm of his hand for a second or two before closing his hand around them.

  “You’re free, Dennis,” he said with finality.

  Denny didn’t say anything for a time. When he finally spoke, his voice was a whisper. “Maybe there’s a chance—”

  Jesse pressed a finger against Denny’s lips to silence him. “Don’t go there. We want different things out of a relationship,” he said. “I’m a one-man guy. I don’t think you could ever be that.”

  “I guess maybe you’re right,” Denny said, resigning himself to the reality of the situation. “What do you want me to do?”

  “You can stay until you find a place of your own,” Jesse said. “Or until you and Carter find a place.”

  Jesse got up and walked away. Shelby followed him, stopping for a second to look back at Denny.

  That night Denny slept on the couch. Shelby slept in his space on the bed.

  * * * Nick sat slumped on the couch, his feet propped on the coffee table, staring blankly at the evening news on the television. Clyde was curled up next to him and was snoring loudly. Nick idly scratched his velvety ears.

  Nice that one of us is so relaxed.

  Nick’s mind was on the condo two doors down. He had decided to take Angela’s advice and see how Jesse was doing. However, he had further decided to do it in person rather than on the phone. So, he had walked out of his house and turned toward Jesse’s. At that precise moment, a cab had pulled up and Denny got out and, without looking in his direction, strode up the walk and into the building. Nick had turned and walked back to his place, got Clyde and headed to the dog park.

  The same thoughts he’d had as Clyde romped in the park now played over and over in his mind.

  Would Jesse break it off with Denny? Would Denny sweet talk his way out of this? He’s a sneaky, clever S.O.B.

  God, I hope Jesse throws him out!

  What if he doesn’t? What if he gives in? What should I do then? Angela says he has feelings for me.

  Shit, I hate this!

  What if he does end it? What’ll I do then? Should I just go and say by the way, Don’t sweat it, I’m here. I love you. Always have.

  Or should I wait? God, I don’t know what to do.

  I wish I knew what was going on over there!

  These thoughts swirled until he finally drifted off to sleep right there on the couch.

  An hour later, Nick got up and went to bed, where he tossed and turned restlessly until Clyde abandoned him for calmer waters.

  * * * Jesse looked at the clock—1:00 A.M. He sighed and pulled Shelby closer. He was lying on his side with the pooch snuggled against his chest, her head next to his on the pillow. He wondered why he wasn’t more upset, why there were no tears. What he felt was something akin to relief.

  Sighing again, he snuggled against Shelby. He smiled. Denny was sleeping on the couch and Shel was on the forbidden bed.

  Serves him right.

  His thoughts then turned to Nick and his recent realization of his feelings for him. Was that the reason why he felt the way he did about the events of earlier?

  God, Denny isn’t even out of the house and I’m thinking of another guy. Am I just as shallow as he is?

  Not sure where to go with that, he let his mind drift over the past few months since he had met Nick. It was apparent these feelings had started almost the moment they had first met. Nick was attractive, intelligent and in almost every way the antithesis of Denny.

  Stop it! He almost said out loud. Nick hasn’t given you any reason to think he feels anything for you but friendship.

  His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Denny walking to the half bath in the hallway and closing the door.

  Can’t sleep either? Good. You should be stewing a little.

  Somehow comforted by that fact, Jesse hugged Shelby and fell asleep.

  * * * Denny finished in the bathroom and started to return to the cou
ch. He stopped at the door to the bedroom and listened. Not hearing anything, he went to the living room and sat with his head in his hands.

  No one to blame but yourself.

  He mulled over the past couple of years. Even before meeting Carter, he’d been questioning his decision to be in an exclusive relationship. That hadn’t been his style. Jesse was a really nice guy, though: good-looking, sexy, fun to be with. So he figured, What the hell? and decided to give it a try.

  Turned out to not be for me, though, didn’t it?

  That brought Carter to mind. What were his feelings toward Carter? He knew this relationship had shown him older men were a turn-on for him. And that he was not as much a top as he had believed. He had told Jesse earlier in the evening he thought he was in love with Carter. But was he? Was he ready to go from one relationship to another? And then there was the fact he had been Carter’s first sojourn into the realm of gay sex.

  Feeling confused, Denny got up, slipped on his jacket and shoes, and picked up his cell. Quietly sliding the patio door open, he stepped out into the chill night air. He shuddered. Calculating the time difference between Chicago and L.A. where he knew Carter was headed, he decided he could give him a call.

  Carter’s cell rang several times. Denny thought it was going to go to voicemail when finally Carter answered. “Hello.”

  He sounded out of breath. Was that a giggle he heard in the background?

  “Hi, Carter. It’s me…Denny.”

  Denny thought he heard Carter cover the phone and say something, but chose to ignore it.

  “It’s over between Jesse and me. We ended it tonight.”

  There was no response.

  “Carter, are you there?”

  Once again he thought he heard someone talking in the background.

  “Carter?”

  “Yeah, I’m here.”

  “Is someone with you?” Denny asked, suddenly suspicious.

  “Uh…no…just the TV. I’ll turn it off.”

  There was a brief pause.

  “Back,” said the voice at the other end.

  “Did you hear what I said? Jesse and I are over.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay? Isn’t that what you told me it was time to do? I expected you to be more excited,” Denny said, suddenly feeling frustrated and very tired.