“Is it possible to have a life here?” I ask, not knowing everything that happened after I left the club, I’m not sure if I can live in a town where most of the local motorcycle club hate me.
“For you, it’s possible.”
“Please don’t hate your dad, I put him in a position he shouldn’t have been in.”
At the mention of his dad, his face hardens and his eyes narrow slightly.
“Our dad doesn’t get put in positions by his own,” he snaps sharply. “Move on, this isn’t your fight any longer. This is club business.”
He climbs back on his bike and Luca follows suit over on the drive.
“You could come in; I can make some coffee.”
“I said my issues weren’t with you, but I have a few with your husband. It’s best I get back to Rayna.”
I frown, not understanding why he has a problem with Jay, but when I go to ask I’m drowned out by his bike coming to life. Luca rides up beside him, tips his head at me and rides off first.
“Just stay the fuck safe now, life here isn’t so bad.”
And then he’s riding off too.
I feel JJ behind me before he says anything, and I turn to face him.
“No one lays the blame at your door, as far as you’re concerned, the club agrees you were used as his pawn.”
I was never too bothered about what the club thought of me, it was what they would think of Cas, JJ, and Sparky. I keep my mouth closed and enjoy the moment, that at least, for tonight, there are no secrets in my heart.
We head inside and Jay locks up behind us. This is the first time I’ve walked in this house and it feels like a home, somewhere I can see us living for a long, long time. Wordlessly, we fall on the couch, our hands finding each other and our fingers entwining.
“Why was Luca here?” he asks.
“He came to see how I was, he wanted me to know we’re cool.”
“That’s good,” he says around a yawn.
“Are you going to tell me what happened after I left?”
I mean, come on! He must know it’s been killing me waiting to hear what went down. Sighing, he rolls his head on the back of the couch so he’s looking at me and frowns.
“Your uncle laid his cut down and left the club, he declared himself not a Lost Soul anymore.”
My mouth hangs open and nothing comes out. I didn’t see that coming. What does this mean for him? He’s been apart of the club for so long, what will he do now?
“The brothers aren’t happy Cas lied to them, that’s where the animosity lies. There was yelling and upset, but it ended with everyone agreeing to the vote. By this time tomorrow night, Cas will either still be our president or he’ll be out.”
“What happens if he’s out?”
“I can’t even imagine. A shit storm is hanging over us and it doesn’t look to be moving on any time soon.”
Just like Alannah warned. Damn her for being right, then again, my anxiety saw this coming.
“What about the Crows at the Mill? I take it the brothers weren’t satisfied with them?”
“Some were, but I think Leo and Slade distracted them from the Crows.”
“What about you and Leo, he wouldn’t come in before. Did something happen between you two?”
Again, he releases another long sigh. “He wouldn’t talk to me, he wanted answers for weeks and I could’ve given them to him, and I didn’t. I betrayed him and I’m about to pay the price.”
I unlace my hand from his and run the backs of my fingers down the leather of his cut.
“Do you think this will work itself out, that Leo will be able to forgive us all?”
“I hope so, I really fucking do.”
“What if he can’t?” I ask, my heart pounding at the prospect he’ll never speak to him again.
JJ shifts position facing me and his eyes are heavy with fatigue.
“Then we’ll deal with that when it happens, can we just enjoy you not having to keep stressing about everything and go to bed. I’m so fucking tired I actually think I’m asleep right now.”
A laugh bursts from me and it feels so fucking good. There’s no underlying sadness or anxiety waiting to pop back up and squash any trace of happiness. I feel as light as a fucking feather.
“Let’s go to bed.”
He follows me upstairs and we quietly undress and climb under the sheets. The darkness isn’t as daunting tonight and I wish we had done this sooner. My worries now are for everyone else.
“Do you think Slade will leave for good?” I ask, apparently not able to let this go.
“Kristen gave him an ultimatum, her or the club. I’ve heard she’s done it before, but this time he chose her. I heard a few brothers before I left, and they think he’ll be back.”
“Not you?” I ask, rolling onto my side to face him.
“No, I think he meant what he said. I don’t think he’ll wear the patch again. I mean, I don’t have a daughter but I can imagine it fucks you up. How will he be able to come to the club where she died?”
“What about Zachery? Did he leave with him? Did he say anything?”
“He didn’t say a word throughout everything. He watched his dad walk out but he didn’t follow.”
“There’s still so much up in the air,” I murmur.
“Give it a few days, and everyone will know where they stand. But for now, I’m fucking done, I need to sleep.”
I snuggle against him and lay my arm over his chest. His hand works its way up my upper arm and settles on my head.
I fall asleep the easiest I have done in a long, long time and I dream of nothing.
JJ
Fuck if I can sleep but like hell do I want to climb out from under the warm sheets and risk waking Harper. She fell asleep faster than she ever has beside me and I’ve yet to join her. I’ve watched her all night and most of the morning, and for the first time since I’ve known her, she has slept peacefully. No tossing and turning, no talking in her sleep, nothing. It’s the most relaxed she’s been. My stomach rumbles in need of food, but it still can’t get me to leave her side.
She has found her peace, and after the shit that went down yesterday, she has nothing left to fear and I don’t want to disturb her. Me on the other hand, I’m left wondering what is going to go down tonight.
Dad will stand by Cas, he’s the only one I’m sure about though. Where loyalty lies between the brothers and Cas, I have no idea anymore. Our president was punched yesterday, and no one moved to defend him. If that had happened before he took Ellis out to the Old Mill, brothers would have killed anyone for disrespecting him in such a way.
I honestly can’t call which way it’s going to go tonight, and it leaves me with a little anxiety. It’s a foreign feeling to hold and I don’t like it. It out right pisses me the fuck off.
My phone slides across the nightstand as it vibrates with a message. Scooping it up before it bothers Harper, the twin’s names come up and they want to talk, oh, and they’re outside. I didn’t hear their bikes approach the house. I shoot them a reply, telling them I’ll be out in a minute and slip out of bed.
Harper rolls over and curls up in the sheets and I drag my jeans on. Plodding down the stairs, I unlock the front door and throw it open.
I don’t bother sliding my boots on, I walk barefoot down the front path and stand on the curb closer to Mason than Myles.
They’re too serious and I set my shoulders straight ready to hear what they’ve got to say. The twins aren’t known for their seriousness and it’s setting me on edge.
“What’s up?”
“We’re wondering what you’re planning to do tonight?” Mason asks, then clarifies, “With the vote.”
I relax and question, “Why?”
Are they planning something? It wouldn’t be the first time they planned to fuck shit up.
“We can’t go to Zach or Leo. Grumps has shut down and isn’t saying a word and dad won’t talk about it. We heard everything yesterday and to be hone
st, we don’t fucking know what to think. We don’t want to show up tonight with our balls in our mouth.”
That’s a nice image to have.
“It’s comes down to whether you both trust Cas or not.”
“What will happen if the vote doesn’t go his way? Where will it leave us?” Mason asks.
Why do I keep getting asked this question?
“I have no idea,” I say, the same as I told Harper. “Look, guys, vote how you want. You know Cas, base your decision on your relationship with him, if that helps. Even after hearing the shit that went down, do you still believe he would have your backs when needed?”
“Do you still trust he has your back?” Myles asks.
“One hundred per cent, yes.”
“So you’re not voting against him?” Mason asks.
I bite down on my tongue and place my hands on my hips. “Between us, no, I’m not.”
“So, you’re going against Leo?” Mason quips.
“It’s a vote, I’ll vote how the fuck I want.”
“Hey, Harps, how you doing?” Myles says, grinning his ass off.
“Hey, I’m good.” She actually sounds like she’s telling the truth.
“What you doing here?” she calls over staying on the porch.
“Just came to clarify a few things. Anyway, we should go, we’ve got to check on Grumps, the old fucker has slumped over this shit,” Mason tells her.
“Seriously, you either trust Cas or you don’t. It’s as simple as that,” I say, and go join Harper on the porch.
Them bringing up Leo plays on my mind as they ride away. I need to talk to him before tonight. Hopefully, if I can get him on his own, he’ll open up to me and we can sort everything out.
“How long have you been up?” Harper asks, as we walk inside.
“Not long, the twins woke me,” I tell her. “Listen, I’m going to ride out and see Leo. We need to sort our shit out and soon.”
“That sounds good.”
It doesn’t take me long to shower, get dressed, and throw a mug of coffee down my neck.
I go over what I want to say all the way to the cabin and sigh with relief when his bike and truck are parked out front. I knock at the door and get no answer; I knock again and nothing.
I walk around the side of the cabin and find him out back sitting on a blanket with the baby and a bunch of her toys. He sees me and ignores me, keeping his attention on the kid. I take a seat by the garden table and tell him, “I’m not leaving until you speak to me.”
“Fuck off,” he growls.
At least he said something.
“What is your problem with me exactly?”
Tutting, he runs his tongue over his teeth. I know this action, he’s definitely got something on his mind but he doesn’t want to confront it.
“Come on, I’m here, tell me,” I urge him.
He finally looks my way and I brace myself.
“We’ve both lied countless times but never to each other. You’ve been coming out here for weeks offering your support, listening to my frustrations, all the while, keeping your mouth shut. I wouldn’t have done you like that.”
Hearing that hurts because it’s true. Hanging my head, I scrub my face very fucking violently.
“So not because I was the one who killed Ellis?” I ask just to be clear.
“Don’t get me wrong, I would have taken great pleasure in ending his life. I would have made him hurt but to be honest, I don’t care who killed him as long as he wasn’t breathing any longer. You fucking lied.”
“You are aware I’m married to your sister, right? The woman he fucked up and tried to break, the woman he beat nearly to death. You would have done the same if the roles were reversed, I know you would have.”
“This isn’t about Harper. Do you think I’m that blinded by grief that I wouldn’t be able to understand he used her? I saw him with her, the way he treated her, she stood no chance against him. You fucking lied,” he points out again.
“You’re right, I did lie. Tell me what I can do to make it right with you.”
“Go home, brother,” he mutters, passing Rayna a toy after she throws one off the blanket.
“Oh, so I’m still your brother?”
Hopefully that’s progress but he doesn’t answer, and I sigh.
“Everything happened so fast and then she was back, I was so scared of her leaving again, I was pissed she didn’t trust me to come back before she did, and then my dad told me what Ellis said about her choosing, and I wanted nothing more than to make it right for her. Surely you can see why I would want my wife home, and to keep it that way, I would’ve done anything. I said I’m sorry and I am, brother, more than you know, but when it comes to Harper, there isn’t any choice. She’s my one choice and always will be.”
“It’s how it should be, it’s how I was with India. I miss her, Jay. Fuck, I miss her bad.”
I leave the chair and sit my ass on the ground a couple of feet away from Leo. I lean over and slap his back a couple of times and sit back.
“What were his last words.”
Shit.
Tell Leo I’ll keep her warm comes to mind and I swallow thickly.
“He didn’t say much, basically, just begging for his life.”
Fuck me, I’ve lied to him again and he’s soon to call me on it.
“What did he say? And lie to me one more time, we’ll never speak again.”
Casting my eyes down, I say, “Tell Leo, I’ll keep her warm for him.”
Air escapes him in such a rush it sounds like a hiss and I look up. He’s clutching one of the baby’s toys so hard, the plastic cracks.
“Brother, you know he’s not wherever she is. He got a one-way ticket straight to Hell. I sent him there myself.”
He doesn’t believe in that shit, or he didn’t used to. I have no clue what he believes in now to cope better.
“Is making it right with me all you came here for?” he asks, and I’m taken aback.
“Yeah?” I don’t know why I pose my answer as a question, but it comes out that way.
“You sure you’re not here to call off the vote?”
“Can you do that even if you wanted to?”
“I don’t want to,” he mumbles. “He didn’t act in the interest of the club. It’s not the first time he’s lied to the brothers, but it’s the first time he’s done it to me, and the club should have their say.”
“And that’s all it is?”
“Of course. Don’t act like you wouldn’t have been pissed if it was you. He’s not just the president, he’s my dad. Our blood makes us stronger and he treated me no better than a fucking prospect, keeping me on the fringes not knowing shit.”
“If it helps, your mom has been giving him Hell over it, and she’s been making sure Harper understood the fallout.”
Freezing, his eyes cut from Rayna to me and a wrongness settles in my gut.
“My mom knew?”
“You didn’t know? I thought she would have come over last night?”
“No, she didn’t. I’ve haven’t seen her since I picked up Rayna and I didn’t listen to anything she had to say.”
Hanging his head, his shoulders sag and tiredness crawls over him. “This is so fucked up. All the people I thought were loyal are turning my fucking head. I can’t deal with much more, Jay.”
“Brother,” I say, sitting forward. “You’ve got this. After tonight you’ll be able to move forward with a clearer head…”
“Things will never be the same, they can’t be. Not for me. I’ve been thinking, regardless of the vote, I don’t think the club is the life I want anymore. I’ve got too much to lose and I’ve already lost so much.”
“Don’t talk this way.”
“During the worst time of my life, who was there for me? Truly? We grew up hearing how grown men would risk their lives for us, how loyalty was above everything and then when it counted, where was their loyalty to me? Rayna needs me more than the club does, and
I can’t put myself in a position where I’m taken away from her. I made a stupid fucking decision and it got her mom killed. I can’t afford to live a life that could put me or her in that position again. I wouldn’t survive it. I’m barely surviving now.”
“What will you do?”
This can’t be happening, it just can’t.
“Find a job, work nine till five and be home for my kid every night. She wouldn’t know the life where I ride off for a few days at a time because so and so want their guns delivered on time, always wondering if I’ll be coming home in one piece like I used to do with my dad. India would want different for her if she had survived Ellis.”
“India knew our lives and she still came back to you, pregnant and ready to start a family with you, knowing all the risks.”
“I saw it, brother. I saw the moment he pulled the trigger and let her fall to the ground with a hole in her fucking head and there wasn’t anything I could do. I was nothing but a drug to her, I made her feel good for a while and then I killed her. I have to prioritize my life and do what’s best for her,” he says, nodding to the baby.
“So, you’re laying down your cut too? When? Tonight? Before or after you vote your dad out?”
This is horseshit. Alannah warned the fallout would be bad, but this is catastrophic. It’s one thing calling a vote to out Cas but for Slade to leave and Leo, this is more than bad, this is life changing and not in a good fucking way. I’m not having it. Everything will change.
“What was the point in calling a vote if you’re not going to be around?”
“Because I still have love for my brothers, and they deserve the trust they put in him to be reciprocated.”
“I thought we were brothers for life?”
I sound pathetic but this fucking hurts.
“Don’t be a pussy, I’ll still be around, just not at the club. There was always going to come a time where our lives changed. I’ve got a kid, you’re married. Our priorities are different, that’s all.”
Rising to my feet. I can’t listen to any more of this, obviously life was going to change but the one thread that keeps us together is the club. He could have five kids and still be a Lost Soul. I really don’t understand. I ask one last question.
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