After a minute more, he mumbled into his bread, “Ain’t my fault he weren’t smart enough to look in the bag.”
W
“Guys,” Velvet sighed as they all packed up. “I’ve been thinking. Maybe we should go to Sarajevo.”
Fishy’s back was turned, but Garret saw his shoulders sag.
Pun’kin, who was repacking the last of the bread, turned and said emphatically, “Me too. Burl asked us.”
The emotional weight settled back over the group like sodden wool.
After a moment’s pause, Butterworth said, “I’ll go. He was a good man.”
Fishy focused on packing his bag as if he couldn’t hear anyone talking about Burl. Garret stopped folding up the tarp and turned to watch his friends. Butterworth’s face was grim, his jaw tight, but resolute.
“I know what we all think about Captain Maxwell, but Burl said—” Velvet began.
“Can we not talk about this right now?” Fishy interrupted.
Velvet spread his hands to the Serbian countryside. “We’ve got to go somewhere. What do you want to do?”
“He’s right, mate,” Butterworth put in. “We have to make some choices now.”
Fishy was silent, but neither happy nor comfortable.
Pun’kin was frowning, but he turned back to packing the cheese. He didn’t meet anyone’s eye.
The grief and the pain in all of them was suddenly too much for Garret, and he blurted, “Guys, Burl’s okay.”
They all stared at him. Fishy was plainly angry, and Butterworth wasn’t happy either. Velvet’s face was tight, and Pun’kin looked both confused and hurt.
“I saw him last night,” Garret said, though wishing he hadn’t brought it up. “Remember that time on the Kearsarge,” he said to Fishy. “When you thought you felt Curtis’s hand on your back. That really was him. I’m certain of it now.”
“What do you mean you saw them last night,” Velvet asked, guarded.
“I… I saw them. All of them.” Then Garret realized something which he had been in too much turmoil to notice the previous night. He added, confused, “Except Twitch. Twitch wasn’t there.”
“What do you mean ‘there’?” Fishy demanded. “You mean here? While we were all asleep? They came back to talk to you and you let us sleep right through it? Are you telling us a ghost story?”
“No, I… I mean it wasn’t here.”
“It was a dream, Garret,” Fishy said bitterly. “They’re dead, and if your imagination runs away with you again, you can just shut up about it.”
“Fishy—”
“I mean it!” Fishy snarled. “Shut up!”
“They’re not dead,” Garret implored, his eyes stinging with tears. “I mean maybe they are but—”
“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Fishy demanded. “You think I want to listen to this? You think any of us want to listen to this?” Fishy pointed out of the cleft and across the field. “Burl’s not here! He’s… he’s over there. We buried him. My brother’s lost somewhere on the cold bottom of the ocean, and don’t you forget it!”
“Fishy,” Velvet tried to intervene.
“You shut up too!” Fishy yelled at him. “Lover Boy’s been like this since the first day of bootcamp, always pretending like things aren’t the way they really are, and I can’t take it anymore!”
Fishy rounded on Garret. “You think it’s easy for the rest of us to smile and make jokes while you sit in the corner and feel sorry for yourself because you’re not at home? Wake up!” Fishy spread his arms to the summer mountains and fields and flowers around them. “None of us are home! But we don’t mope about it. We do the best we can. That’s what Theo did right up to the last second those mother fuckers,” he pointed at Butterworth, “killed him!”
“Fishy,” Garret begged, “Theo’s still alive. He just isn’t here anymore. I swear it, Fishy. I swear it on everything.”
“You shut up right now!”
Indeed, Garret needed to shut up, but he didn’t. “I swear, Fishy,” Garret said, pleading. “Please believe me.”
“SHUT UP before I shut you up! You’re a liar!”
Pun’kin, Butterworth, and Velvet watched in dismayed silence.
Even despite the situation, Garret was taken aback. “Fishy, I wouldn’t lie to you. Not about something like this.”
“Really? Is that so?” Fishy yelled at Garret. “You tried to make us think your Ma and Pa were killed by some kind of monster. It was worse than a lie because you tried to trick us into thinking we’d come up with it. Like we’d figured it out. You always lie when you don’t like the way the world is!”
Garret was humiliated. “Please, buddy. I didn’t lie. It was a monster. I promise it was.”
“There’s no such thing as monsters!” Fishy yelled, “There’s just selfish people like you!”
Fishy lunged across the space between them fast and hard. He tackled Garret hard, knocking him down and pounding on him with both fists. Garret flailed for a second, but then he called up a little of the wolf’s strength and kicked Fishy off, sending him tumbling away. Fishy came to a crouch, teeth bared, ready to pounce again.
In the future, Garret would look back and try to figure out why he’d done what he did next. Maybe it was a confession of sorts, from which he received absolution from people’s horrified stares. Or maybe secrets became heavier around people he cared about, and at a certain point, they became too heavy to carry at all. Or maybe Garret couldn’t bear the thought that Fishy would live the rest of his life thinking his little brother was gone forever. Whatever the reason may have been, as Fishy came to his crouch, Garret did too.
Then he shifted. In front of God and everybody, Garret became the wolf.
Chapter 35
Velvet squeaked like a squirrel. Other than that, nobody moved or made a noise.
Fishy was frozen, staring at Garret with saucer eyes.
Butterworth released a long exhale. “That’s a good trick,” he said cautiously.
Garret shifted back to human and stood. His Serbian clothes were ripped to pieces since he’d shifted without taking them off. Most of them fell off of him. He shucked the rest and stood there in his underwear.
“I swear to you, Fishy,” Garret said softly. “Theo is alive. I saw him. And it was a monster that killed my Ma and my Pa. I know because… I’m one too.”
A long moment passed, dragging its fingers in the dirt as it went by.
Then Pun’kin started laughing and clapped his hands. “Do it again!”
Fishy turned his saucer eyes on Pun’kin. Pun’kin smiled happily back at him.
“What the fuck,” Fishy began, looking back and forth between Pun’kin and Butterworth. “Is wrong with you people?”
“It’s Garret,” Pun’kin said loudly, as if the only problem here was that Fishy was hard of hearing. “Garret’s not gonna hurt nobody. You act like you don’t know ‘im at all!”
Bless you Pun’kin, Garret thought, echoing what Velvet had said earlier.
“What are you?” Velvet asked slowly.
Garret dropped his eyes. He lifted his shoulders briefly. “I don’t know.”
“Is there anyone else who can do that?” Velvet asked.
“My Pa could,” Garret said simply. “But he’s dead.”
“Anyone else?” Velvet asked.
“I don’t know. My brother can’t.”
Most silence passed.
“I don’t want him sleeping anywhere near me,” Fishy said.
Garret hung his head.
“Don’t be like that,” Pun’kin scolded him, the watchful grandma again, then just repeated, “It’s Garret. He’d never hurt nobody.”
“I wouldn’t,” Garret said. “I promise.”
“But you did, didn’t you?” Fishy accused.
Garret hung his head lower and wondered how Fishy knew. None of the rest of them looked angry like Fishy, but they were all wai
ting to hear Garret’s answer. It was an open, sunny day around him, but it felt like the rocks and flowers were closing in.
“Yes,” Garret said in a small voice.
“You killed somebody with it, didn’t you?” Fishy demanded.
How did he know? “Yes,” Garret protested weakly, “but I was only trying to—”
Fishy had turned back to Velvet. “So do you want to sleep beside a wolf that’s killed somebody?”
Velvet tried to be reasonable. “Fishy we all used Nancy to kill hundreds of—”
“That’s not the same and you know it, Floyd,” Fishy barked.
Velvet tried again. “Fishy, that’s not fair to Garret—”
“Fair to Garret!?” Fishy closed in on Velvet, who backed up a step. “Was it fair when Charlie died? Was it fair when Curtis died? Was it fair when that breech block hit my little brother and—” Fishy struggled for a moment, then turned his ire back on Garret.
“Did you enjoy it?” Fishy demanded.
“Bollocks, mate!” Butterworth exclaimed at Fishy.
Garret felt like he’d been shot. “No, I—”
“You’d do it again.” Fishy pushed.
“I’d…?” Garret began.
“You’d do it again, wouldn’t you?” Fishy demanded. “That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? You’re here because they knew you were a killer. You’re the one who’s supposed to—”
“Fishy!” Pun’kin yelled at him. “That’s enough!”
Garret snapped. “Yes, I’d do it again!” he yelled. “I’d do it over and over and over, if it would bring Burl and Theo and all of ‘em back! I hate killing. I HATE IT! But I’d do it again and again and again if that’s what it took!”
Velvet reached for Fishy’s shoulder. “Calm down, guys.”
Fishy slapped his hand away. “We don’t know anything about him!”
“We don’t know a bloody thing about you either, mate!” Butterworth challenged.
For a moment there was just ragged breathing and the insect sounds in the nearby field.
Garret was truly frightened now. He’d trusted them with his secret. They could uproot his entire life if they didn’t keep it. The mere thought sent his universe careening out of balance. Garret sank to his backside and put his head in his hands.
Fishy watched as Garret began to unravel. Garret looked around. He would have to run. There was nothing else for it now. He’d gambled everything and lost. He would have to beg, borrow, or steal passage back to America, and hope to heaven he could somehow kidnap his wife and baby, and steal them away to a distant corner of the world where no one would ever find them again.
Garret slowly gathered his feet under himself and prepared to spring away from them, shift, and run from his friends, run away and never see them again.
“Garret,” someone said. It was Velvet, kneeling close by, hands out and open. “It’s okay, buddy. Relax. We’re not afraid of you. Isn’t that right, guys?”
Pun’kin nodded emphatically, and Butterworth nodded resolutely. “I’d trust you with my life, mate,” Butterworth said.
“Fishy?” Velvet asked severely.
After a moment of regarding Garret, Fishy nodded slowly.
A little of the tension eased out of Garret. Just a little.
Velvet stood and turned halfway so he could address Garret and everyone else, too. “Alright now,” he said, resting his hands on his hips. “There’s something we’re going to do. We should have done it a long time ago. Garret had the worst lot of all of us, but he went first. We should all be ashamed that we let him do it. So…”
Velvet took a deep breath, walked over to Fishy and stuck out his hand to shake. Fishy took it automatically, but gave Velvet a weird look. “I’m Floyd Callaghan,” Velvet forced himself to say. “I joined the Navy because I’m such a disappointment to my father that I couldn’t look him in the eye anymore. The Navy gave me an escape while letting me pretend I was doing something brave instead.”
Though Velvet’s expression was humiliated, he held his head up and forced himself to finish. “I’m Floyd Callaghan, and I joined the Navy because I’m a coward.”
Ten minutes later, they were all seated again. They sat and told the truth while the summer sun beat down on them. It was awful. It was abasing. It was also the best feeling most of them had had in a long time.
“I wanted to save ‘em so bad,” Garret finished, staring at his hands in his lap. “But I couldn’t. Ma and Pa both died. I didn’t save them.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Velvet said.
“You don’t know what—”
“You’re right, I don’t,” Velvet said. “But I know you. I know you don’t quit. If you didn’t save them, it’s because there wasn’t a way.”
Garret processed that, and nodded, grateful. “You’re not a coward,” he offered in return. “I know you’re not.”
Velvet spread his hands. “I ran away from my own father, and used the Navy to do it. What kind of guy does that?”
Fishy answered this time, thoughtfully. “Not the kind who loads a gun, knowing it’s probably gonna kill him, but does it anyway to save everybody else. That guy’s not a coward. He can’t be.”
The look on Velvet’s face was one of revelation.
“Maybe you were,” Pun’kin put in. “But you sure ain’t now!” He grabbed Velvet around the shoulders and shook him until his teeth rattled.
Fishy raised his canteen to Velvet. “To one of the bravest four guys I know,” he said, and swigged the rest of his coffee, which by that point, had to be disgusting.
There was more Garret could have said, of course. Lots more. But he didn’t want to. He wanted to hear what his friends had to say. After what he’d experienced the previous night, he craved honesty as a starving man craves food.
Nobody else stepped up, so Butterworth took a breath and said, “I’m Edmund Butterworth. I joined the Royal Navy to make my Mum proud of me.”
After Butterworth paused, Velvet said sincerely, “I’m sure she is. We’re proud to have you, aren’t we?”
Nods and affirmations went around.
“She’s gone,” Butterworth said, sending a meaningful glance Garret’s way. “Pneumonia took her away last Christmas.” He stopped to regain control of his feelings, but before anyone could offer a platitude, he went on. “I do it all for her, I think. I don’t know. I couldn’t save her.” He didn’t look at Garret this time, but it wasn’t needed. “I couldn’t save her… and then when your ship killed all my best mates…”
Butterworth pressed his palms to his eyes as if trying to squash the emotions back into submission. They all knew exactly what he felt like. Or maybe they didn’t. They’d lost several friends. He’d lost them all.
“How do you not hate us?” Fishy asked.
“I do!” Butterworth said severely from behind his palms. “I hate every last one of you bumsuckers!”
“No you don’t,” Fishy said. “I would. You’re a better man than me, Barney.” Fishy steeled himself, then added, “I’m glad you wore Theo’s uniform. He would be too.”
There was nothing anyone could say to follow that remark, but Fishy’s kindness rose inside all of them like the first bright daffodils, peering through winter’s snow.
After a time, Pun’kin chimed in. “I’m Ernest Mayweather. I joined the Navy because…” he stopped and screwed up his face in confusion. “Well, I don’t really know why. I guess I just wanted to do somethun different, you know?”
He trailed off, then for the first time in Garret’s recollection, Pun’kin became uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable on the outside because of a sacrilegious comment someone had made, but uncomfortable on the inside.
“What is it, buddy,” Velvet chided. “You gotta say it now.”
“I don’t want to,” Pun’kin said.
“You gotta. Do it for us, or do it for yourself, but do it,” Velvet said.
�
��I got…” Pun’kin began. “I got…” His face went red with humiliation. “I got my girl pregnant.”
Huh, Garret thought. Wouldn’t have guessed that.
They let it go for a heartbeat too long, not because any of them thought it was a big deal, but because they were trying to figure out how to tell him it wasn’t a big deal without belittling what he viewed as a tragic confession. But in so doing, they waited too long.
Pun’kin crumpled in front of them. “She was so purty, and I got her to go with me down by the crik. She made a picnic lunch, and I brought the cider for us. But I got the wrong bottle. It was my Daddy’s cider that he kept to drink after we all went to bed. I knew it tasted funny, but I didn’t want to tell her I’d gotten the wrong one, and we got drunk and we took our clothes off and… and a while later she sent me a letter sayin’ she was pregnant. I ran away, Velvet. Like you did.”
Pun’kin was torn up, but Garret was trying hard not to smile. So was Fishy. So was Butterworth.
“Pun’kin,” Velvet tried. “It’s okay, we don’t—”
“You don’t understand!” Pun’kin burst out in shame. “I weren’t married to her!”
“Pun’kin,” Garret said as soon as he could do it without smiling. “I got my wife pregnant before we were married too.”
Pun’kin was astonished. “You did? I thought you two fell in love and all that!”
Garret couldn’t help a smile now. Fishy laughed.
“We did,” Garret said. “I love her more than I can tell you, and getting back to her and my baby is what I want more than anything. But yeah, I got her pregnant first.” Garret thought back. “It was under a willow on a creek bank. It was a beautiful day, like this one.” He closed his eyes. “I’ll never forget what her skin felt like the first time I touched her.”
Garret opened his eyes. “You need to go home to your girl,” he said to Pun’kin. “You need to marry her and raise your family.”
“I cain’t!” Pun’kin said. “I don’t know how.”
“Nobody does, buddy,” Garret said with a smile. “That’s what makes it so great.”
Garret hadn’t realized how true that was until he heard the words leave his own mouth.
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