by Jamie Knight
I always keep the shop tidy, but I need something to occupy my mind. I'm starting to think about auctioning myself off again. I could make a little extra money by doing that. My mind fills with a million thoughts, then suddenly my heart feels full of sadness at one specific thought and I sit down. The auction reminds me of Gabriel. I didn’t want to think about him again, but I can't help it.
I don't know if I can go through with it. What if I run into him there? Or worse, what if he doesn't show up? An even more terrifying thought is what if I auction myself off and some other guy wins me?
I shudder at the thought. I don't want some creep all over me. No, it's better if I stick to hosting. I tell myself it's safer, and I'll still make good money that way. Deep down I know the real reason is because nothing will be the same as it was with Gabriel.
Trying to push him from my head, I think about the plans that my grandmother and I talked about. If I were to participate in the auction I would have enough to carry out those plans, but my heart won't let me. I know I have already made my final decision. Try as I might, I just can't get my mind off Gabriel.
In just one night, somehow he left an indelible emotional mark in my heart.
Chapter 13 - Gabriel
It's late evening when I find a parking spot on the crowded street. The sun has barely gone down. I check my hair in the rearview mirror before turning off the engine. Dressed in my most stylish suit, I grab my car keys and phone and put them in my pocket and take a deep breath. "You can do this." I say to myself.
For a second I believe it and get out of the car. I close the door carefully and look around. I always feel uneasy in areas of town that I am not familiar with. But I shrug it off because now is neither the time nor place to be worrying. I need to focus tonight. I’m on a mission. There's a reason I'm doing what I'm doing, and I shouldn't lose sight of that.
This is a quiet part of town. There aren’t a lot of businesses around here. I'm actually not all that familiar with this area. I search my pockets and pull out a piece of paper. There's directions written on it. I follow them as I walk down the sidewalk. I don't know why I agreed to be here tonight. Well I actually do, but I don't like thinking about it, but I can't stop myself. I hope tonight will be the distraction that I need. I want my life to go back to normal, but I don't know if that's possible. Nothing has been the same since I met her. I keep thinking about how strange and frightening that is.
It all started when I was at the bar last night with Tim. We had already had a few drinks when he turned to me and asked, "Hey, there's another auction happening tomorrow night. Are you interested?"
I took a long sip from my beer. "I don't know…." I replied hesitantly.
I still haven't sorted out my feelings for Lorelai. Going to the auction would only remind me of her, and of that night. I didn't want to relive those feelings, or that experience.
Tim downed his beer and ordered another. "Listen, forget about that girl and find another. These things are all about having fun and getting laid. That's the whole reason you go anyways," he pointed out.
I fidgeted with my empty beer bottle. He was right, I guess. I couldn't keep living my life like this. I took a long drink for courage.
Finally I looked at him, "All right, where is it supposed to be?” I asked him.
"That's my boy!" He cheered.
He patted me on the back. "I don't know exactly but let me write down the address and directions. That's what they did for me,” by then, his speech was a little slurred.
He pulls a pen out of his pocket and writes the information down on a napkin on the bar, then hands it to me and we finish our beers.
I stayed up all night, I second guessed my decision, but in the end I decided once more that I had no choice but to come.
I slow my steps, looking up from his scribbled directions. "This area is starting to look a little familiar," I murmur to myself.
I keep walking. I'm puzzled because I never visit this area of town. Why would it seem so familiar then? I glance at my watch, the auction should be starting soon. I sigh happily, it will be nice to have some fun here and get Lorelai off of my mind. I need to get back to the person that I used to be.
Do I really want that? I can't answer that question. Meeting her has made me feel so many different things. It's also made me think differently about myself and my life. Those are things that I don't like doing. I felt like things were going perfect up until now. It's like she’s turned my whole world upside down. I'm going to get another migraine if I keep thinking about this.
I read the address on the napkin. It's a few seconds before I realize that I'm walking right in front of it, and I pause to look up at the building. My mouth hangs open in shock. It's a bridal shop, and I recognize the name.
Lorelai’s shop.
I want to swear out loud. No wonder the neighborhood looked so familiar. There are a few people standing outside.
Thankfully it's no one I know. I need to hurry up and get out of here before I'm recognized. I was pretty popular on the auction circuit, so being recognized is highly likely, in any size town.
I knew I shouldn't have come here tonight. What are the odds that the auction would be hosted at this location? I turn to walk away before I'm noticed, but a loud voice from behind me squeals: "Oh my gosh, it's you!"
I turn around, startled as a woman rushes at me and wraps her arms around me. I try to wriggle out of her unwelcome hug. It takes me a few seconds to recognize her as an old fling, although her name still eludes me. "Oh, yeah, but I have to leave."
I try to walk away, not wanting to get involved in this. I feel nothing but horror and revulsion as I stand here. It's bizarre, feeling this way. Something new that I will have to deal with, I guess. I should be used to that by now. Nothing in my world makes sense anymore, no matter how much I want it to.
"Oh no you don't! Come join the fun!" She exclaims in her obnoxious, high-pitched voice.
I try to pull away but she grasps my hand firmly and pulls me into the line of people going into the auction. They must have advertised this one well, because there are a lot more people here. We join the crowd on the inside. This woman keeps chattering away at me, and my stomach turns at every word she is saying. "I had so much fun with you at that auction a few months back. Do you remember?"
Uh oh, I have a sinking feeling in my gut as she talks.
I try to ignore her. I'm nervous as I look around the shop. There is quite a crowd so I should blend in, at least until I can make my escape. The woman tries to recapture my attention by putting an arm around me and saying, "I hope you'll be bidding tonight. I'm looking forward to playing with you again." Her words make me feel sick to my stomach, despite her attempt to be seductive.
I don’t have time to process that now, though. All I know is that I need to leave as soon as possible.
I try to get out of her reach again. I want nothing more than to be away from here right now. Usually I'd be thrilled to have something like this happen. It's obvious this woman is more than ready. All it would take is a few quick words from me and I could slip out with her for a quick fuck.
Why does that thought make me queasy? It would be so easy to do it, to just get it all out of my system right now. That is what I came here for after all.
I feel like my head is spinning at all these different thoughts. I need some air.
As she keeps talking about the things we can do, the strangest thing is happening. I feel no arousal at all. To be perfectly honest, I feel kind of sickened by the thought of doing anything with this woman. Though it’s nothing personal, I’m sure she and I had had a fine time.
I’m more shocked and confused than ever before. I'm so wrapped up in my thoughts that I forgot she was still hanging onto me. I look around the crowd, and that's when I spot her. Lorelai.
My heart stops when I see her across the room. Our eyes lock. She looks just as beautiful, maybe more so than I remember. I'm frozen to the spot, unable to look away from her me
smerizing eyes. I see hurt etched on her face, for a second I’m confused.
It's then that I remember the woman with her arms around me. I roughly pull myself away from her. "Hey!" She exclaims in surprise and anger.
But I don't have time to deal with her. I need to go after Lorelai to explain
"Where are you going?" she asks, catching my elbow again.
I try to wrestle free, but by the time I turn around, Lorelai has disappeared into the crowd. I feel shock and shame mix in the pit of my stomach. I glare angrily at the woman who backs off instantly. "What's your problem?" she snaps.
I’m too angry to speak, I just roll my eyes at her and stalk off in the direction of the men's room. I don't need to use it, I just desperately need some space.
Once I'm in there I splash cold water on my face and give myself a long hard look in the mirror. I didn't even bother to check before, but the bathroom is empty. Fortunate. I need to be alone right now.
I can't get over that look on Lorelai’s face. It cut me to the quick tosee her like that, and it's my fault. I should have tried harder to get away. Now I'm wrestling with my feelings again. That's why I didn't want to be here tonight. Ugh, I hate this. I shouldn't be feeling anything right now. This night has turned into a complete disaster. I need to stop letting my drunk friends talk me into things. Once I realized where I was I knew it was inevitable that I would see her.
A part of me was hoping to avoid that. I honestly don't know what I was expecting, her to welcome me with open arms? Not very likely after the way I left her hanging. A part of me wants to blame the woman that was talking to me, but I know it's my own fault. I knew beforehand that I didn't really want to be here, but I let Tim talk me into it anyways. Besides, I usually get recognized by the women at the auctions, it was just bad timing. Extremely bad timing. I've made such a mess of everything. Now I'm going to be up all night worrying and thinking about everything all over again. I'm no better off than I was before I came to the auction. In fact, I think things might be a little worse off now.
I look around as other men enter the bathroom. I need to get a grip and figure out what to do. I can't stay in here forever, but I don't know if I can handle the possibility of running into her again. The expression on her face will forever haunt me. I sigh in frustration. This is why I don't like feelings or emotions. They are too complicated and someone always ends up getting hurt. Love is messy and complicated, two main reasons to avoid falling into it.
I fix my hair and straighten my suit. I know what I need to do. I need to be a man and take responsibility for my actions. That's the only way to fix this problem. As I walk out of the bathroom, I have only one goal in mind. I need to find Lorelai and talk to her. I can't let anyone or anything stop me from that. As I walk outside, I notice the shop is more crowded now. This is going to make it damn near impossible to find her, but I need to. Thank goodness I don't see the woman who latched onto me earlier. I think I was rude enough to her that she'll leave me alone now. I keep my eyes peeled for any sight of Lorelai and her red hair. She's average height, so that will make her more difficult to spot in the crowd.
I turn around several times, my eyes playing tricks on me. I think I see her only to be disappointed each time. A few women have already gone on stage, but I'm not paying attention. I keep walking circles through the crowd hoping that I will see her. I get more sad and frustrated each time that I don't, and eventually, I start to lose hope.
Chapter 14 - Lorelai
I'm in the back of the store, the first place I could think of to run to. No one saw me, so no one knows I'm back here. I'm trying to pull myself together, but it's so difficult. Of course I was hoping that I would see Gabriel, a small part of me kind of was sure that I would once I agreed to host the auction.
It was just the shock of seeing him in that way. I know he wasn't here on a date, but the way that woman was touching all over him makes it pretty clear that there is some history there. At least I don't think she is the one that broke his heart.
I’ve never felt so crushed. I'm used to getting my heart broken, but somehow this one hurts worse than the others. Maybe it's because of how strong my feelings for him were, and how fast.
Well, those are gone now. I guess he got what he wanted.
I suppose I knew that he was all about fun when he never called me back. I guess I was just hoping that I was wrong, or that he would turn out different. What hurt the most was to have it presented in front of me like that just now. It hurt to watch him standing there, with her hands all over him. To watch him just look at me and let me leave.
I take a deep breath in, and I slowly let it out. I don't want to cry, not over him. I also don't want people to know that something is wrong with me. That would be bad for business, I think. I mean, I decided to hold the auction here. I knew he attended these types of things, so seeing him was a definite possibility. I was prepared to run into him, but not like this.
All I asked for was at least a phone call, a little acknowledgement or even a polite refusal. What I didn't ask for was to be treated this way. To be ignored or cast aside. He didn't call me, yet he initiated that kiss and then turned cold on me. I'm surprised that my sadness is suddenly turning to anger. I wipe my face.
"You are a strong and beautiful woman. The only reason you agreed to this auction was to raise money for your business. It has nothing to do with him." I remind myself, feeling rage replacing sorrow in every ounce of my body.
I turn suddenly and look at the photo of my grandmother. I get up, walk over to the wall and softly put my fingertips on her cheek. It's like she gives me strength or comfort. I can't tell which. I know what I have to do. This should have been my goal or my plan all along.
I can't believe I allowed myself to be distracted by a player like Gabriel. He's handsome, he's wealthy, I should have known what type of a person that he was all along.
Spurred on by my ideas and my anger at Gabriel, a sudden thought pops into my head. "How dare he think he can just show up at my shop with someone else, after the night that we shared?" I think angrily.
I'm too much of a lady to say or do anything else. I'm not going to cause a scene or disrupt the auction. That's not the type of person that I am. If he can play the field and move on, then I can too. I check over my outfit and stalk angrily out of the backroom. I'm in such a hurry I almost bump into several people standing nearby. I know I need to calm down, but I can't.
I hurriedly look over the crowd of people. I don't see Gabriel or his woman, but he's not who I am looking for right now.
Finally, I spot the auction director. Before I can lose my nerve or change my mind, I walk over to her. Without hesitation I tap her on the shoulder. She turns to look at me, "Yes?"
"I would like to go up on stage," I demand, my heart pounding.
Her eyes widen in surprise. She stammers for a few seconds. "You mean to make an announcement?" She asks, trying to comprehend what I'm saying.
I shake my head no. "I mean to participate in the auction. I…I would like to auction off my virginity, " I say. I feel so brave, angry and confident right now that nothing can stop me.
I need to keep this up. It's the way to get what I want and make tonight a big success. I just need to forget about him and focus on my plan. That's what I keep telling myself.
She excuses herself from her group of people and walks with me. "Well, this is quite the development since you were so vehement denied before. What brought this on?" She asks after a few moments of shocked silence.
I don't want anyone to know, so I tell her half of the truth by saying, "I could use the extra money."
She gives me a long hard look before asking me, "You are absolutely sure about this, because there is no backing out from this."
I nod yes in response. She smiles and writes something on a piece of paper. "All right. As you wish. You will go on next, this girl is almost finished up there. If you need time to freshen up or anything go now, I can brief you on the rules when y
ou get back." She explains.
I nod and hurry away to the bathroom. I feel excited and terrified as I walk inside. I hope tonight is a good night
I’ve never given much thought to my appearance before, but I guess tonight it’s important. I bring my purse in with me and add some more makeup to my face. I tie my long red hair up in a bun to make my neck more appealing and also keep it out of my face. Extra mascara highlights my large hazel eyes and makes them appear luminous.
I wish I could do something to cover my freckles, but I guess you can't fix everything. I'm dressed in a simple dress and panty hose. I have a light sweater draped over my shoulders to fight the chill of the air conditioner.
After one last look in the mirror, I sigh. I guess this will have to do. I hurry to put my purse away and search for the auction director again. She nods when she sees me, and I walk over to her. "Ok, it's your turn, are you sure ready?" She asks one last time.
"Yes". I assure her.
I really am. I no longer feel scared or nervous. I still have the anger inside of me. It's brought on by Gabriel and his treatment of me, as well as my own repression. I'm not going to lie, a larger amount of money is very tempting. I guess I'm just tired of waiting to lose my virginity. I'm not getting any younger. I'm tired of guys passing me over for women who are easier, or don't have feelings or emotions.
I want my dream shop. Nothing is going to stop me from having that. If it means selling my own virginity to accomplish that then I will have to go through with that. I realize that I am ok with that and willing to go through with it. One way or another I am going to get what I want.
Not only do I want something different to happen in life and I want to have fun, I want my plans and dreams to come true. I want things to finally work out for me. "Ok, it works like this. We go on stage, I announce you and your auction. Bids will be placed. You can accept or request certain things be done but only after I confirm that you agree to accept the bid, understand?" She asks me. I nod my head in agreement to show that I understand. "Good, have fun and good luck! I'll be standing nearby. " she replies.