‘That sounds like fun.’
‘I hope so.’
‘Any boys you’ve got your eye on?’ she asked hopefully.
‘Um. There is one of Thomas’s friends. He’s supposed to be going tonight.’
‘Good! You should be having fun at your age! You always seem to be stuck dancing or studying. It’s a shame you don’t go out and enjoy yourself more often.’
‘How about you? Everything okay with Paul?’
‘He’s taking me for dinner at Boboli’s tonight, apparently he has something to tell me, so let’s hope so,’ she said with a shrug.
‘What, like he’s leaving his wife?’
What the hell was wrong with me?
‘I hope that isn’t sarcasm I detect in your voice,’ she frowned.
Just as we were starting to patch things up, I had to ruin everything with my big mouth.
‘No, no sarcasm, honestly. I just think maybe it’s time, after three years, to make things more…definite.’ That was how Claire had put it, wasn’t it?
‘Well yes, but it’s just…it’s very difficult. And frustrating! Promise me you’ll never get involved with a married man.’
‘I promise!’
It was far worse than that.
I went to my room to pretend to get ready, with York looking on doubtfully as I tried on the only four decent outfits I had. If he had known how to do it, he would have covered his eyes with his paws.
They were all clothes my mother had bought me for some important event: Christmas at Dad’s, the annual party at the university where she taught, Easter with her friend Betty and my first proper date with a boy.
I didn’t like the skirt: my legs were too thin and my calves were too muscular. Nobody would find me attractive in that, let alone Patrick, with whom I would be spending ten whole minutes in the car. Fifteen if the traffic lights were red.
At eight o’clock Nina arrived and I heard her chatting happily with my mother downstairs. In my heart I knew that if I had been more like her, my mother would have been much happier.
Sighing, I went down the stairs.
‘There you are!’ said Nina, ‘You look gorgeous!’ She sounded like she meant it.
‘Beautiful!’ Mum agreed, ‘Do you want to borrow my red velvet scarf? I think it would really go well.’
She went and fetched it from her wardrobe and wrapped it around my neck. I was pleased to have something of hers with me. It would be a comforting presence, protecting me in the midst of the chaos. But right now it wasn’t so much the anxiety of facing the party that made my heart pound, but the fact that in two seconds I would see Patrick.
We said goodbye to Mum and went out into the cold night, our coats wrapped tightly around us. My stomach was in knots.
‘Hey, look at you, you’re going to break some hearts tonight!’ Patrick smiled at me, leaning out of the window.
Nina slipped into the back seat and I stood frozen for five seconds with my hand on the handle, then finally opened the door and sat in the passenger seat, next to Patrick. I couldn’t even look at his face once, I was terrified of blushing bright red and giving myself away. But as I struggled to fasten my seatbelt, my hand touched his and my stupid lover’s heart jumped like a frightened cat.
He didn’t even notice.
‘What time do you want picking up?’ he asked, as we pulled up in front of the enormous Victorian villa, with its columns and tall chimneys, and a converted stable block full of gleaming sports cars.
I didn’t want to go in, I wanted to stay there in the warmth, with Patrick, who had casually touched my hand. And I wanted that scene to repeat itself over and over again. Ideally with some added details, like maybe our mouths accidentally touching instead.
‘Don’t worry, Pat, Thomas will bring us back!’ Nina said, typing into her phone.
‘Thomas? Does he have a driving license?’
‘Of course! He is seventeen,’ Nina replied, a little too quickly.
‘Sorry, sorry, of course he is, but still I don’t think it’s a great idea to get a lift back with him. Won’t he be having a drink?’
‘No, it’s fine. He doesn’t drink.’
Patrick frowned. ‘Fine, if you say so, but if you need me, call me, okay?’
I need you, I need you, I need you!
We got out of the car and joined the queue that stretched along the driveway to the front door. Patrick waved goodbye through the window, and then he was gone.
A huge bouncer with an earpiece stood menacingly in front of the door, taking invitations and driving away anyone who was not on the list. The queue was impressive, the whole school must’ve been there. I should have been excited, but I was panicking. From the closed windows came the sound of Lady Gaga blasting at full volume. For a moment I even wondered if she was there in person. You couldn’t rule anything out with those two.
Pretty soon we were numb with cold, trying to warm ourselves by jumping from one foot to the other. The girls were almost all half-naked, in tiny minidresses or white skirts, with no tights and strappy sandals on their feet. Some of them drank wine from the bottle as they waited to be let in. The boys were dressed in tuxedos.
‘Wait, Nina, is this a theme night? Because it looks like everyone else is dressed in black and white.’
She scanned the line for a second, then looked back at me, horrified, ‘Oh my God, did they forget to tell us?’
We asked a girl in a line who confirmed our suspicions. The theme was weddings: white for girls and black for boys!
‘Oh great! I’m dressed in green, they’ll never let me in!’
‘Ok, well.how about this? I’m dressed in white, so they’ll let me in, right? And then as soon as I get in I’ll go and hide in the loos, take my dress off and send someone out to you with it.’
‘What, and then you spend the rest of the party in your pants? Forget it, I’m really not that bothered about hanging out with the Crapdashians anyway! Let’s just call Patrick and ask him to come and get us.’
It sounded like the perfect plan to me!
‘No way! This is my fault, and I’ll sort it out. I can’t believe I didn’t ask about the dress code! What was I thinking?’
‘You’re in love, it’s normal.’ I teased her.
‘I really do think I love him, you know?’ she said, suddenly serious. I knew.
‘You two are great together.’
‘Do you mean that? What if I told you that… we decided to do it?’ she whispered excitedly.
‘Oh! Really? I mean…when?’
I was shaken.
I knew I should be happy for her, but instead I felt like crying. If she slept with Thomas, she would change, suddenly, and become an adult. And I would be left behind.
‘Tonight!’ she said, squeezing my hands, ‘That’s why I didn’t want Patrick to come and pick us up!’
‘Tonight? Why are you in such a hurry? Is the world ending tomorrow or something?’
I was uneasy. This wasn’t like Nina at all, she was relaxed, easy-going. I felt sure it must be Thomas who was rushing her into things.
She laughed at my serious face. ‘His parents are out tonight, so we can go back to his house. Then we can come back here and get you later.’
‘I thought you said you weren’t going to leave me alone for a minute!’
‘You’ll be fine! Once you get settled you’ll have loads of fun and make friends,’ she said, as if I were a dog she was leaving at the kennels.
While I was trying to think of more reasons to challenge her stupid plan, Thomas and Carl arrived.
Carl was cute enough. He was so skinny that his dark jeans kept slipping over his hips. Had a long fringe, very dark eyes and a strong nose, along with that slightly cursed air that I knew a lot of girls liked. As for me, I was cursed enough already, so I always found myself drawn to bright, luminous things, like a moth.
Nina wrapped her arms around Thomas and kissed him on the lips with a loud smacking noise that went through m
e like fingernails on a blackboard. I saw Thomas quickly wipe his hand over his mouth to remove any traces of her lipstick and glared at him with silent hatred.
They’d obviously said something to Carl beforehand, because he came straight over to introduce himself, shaking my hand enthusiastically.
‘Hi, I’m Carl,’ he said, smiling.
‘Nice to meet you. Mia.’
‘Nina told me so much about you,’ he went on.
I smiled brightly, ‘Did she tell you about my slug farm? There’s a litter due any day now if you’re interested?’
He stared at me for a moment, dumbfounded, then burst out laughing.
‘She must’ve forgotten to mention it. She did say you had a strange sense of humour, though.’
I shrugged my shoulders.
‘I see they didn’t tell you about the dress code either,’ I said, gesturing towards his purple sweatshirt and knee-high boots.
‘No, they missed that small detail.’
I smiled, I liked him after all.
As we moved forward in the queue, I could see Nina and Thomas out of the corner of my eye. He didn’t stop pawing her and whispering in her ear the whole time. That was my best friend he was drooling over, the creepy virgin-hunter!
‘So … er…you’re a dancer?’ Carl asked, trying to break the ice.
‘Yep,’ I answered, trying to burn a hole in Thomas’s back with my side-eye.
‘Is it true what they say about dancers?’
‘What, that we’re all nymphomaniacs?’ I snapped at him.
‘Actually I was going to say that you have to be careful what you eat.’
I was being a dick. Nina’s news had upset me, but I couldn’t keep treating Carl like a double-glazing salesman who couldn’t take a hint, and after all, it was Nina’s decision. She was free to do what she wanted.
Finally we reached the massive bouncer, who towered over us, looking us over from head to toe.
‘You two aren’t dressed for a wedding,’ he said.
‘Yes we are,’ said Carl, ‘Look: something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue!’ And he pointed in turn to the bouncer, me, the keys to his dad’s car, and his cold hands.
The bouncer muttered something rude under his breath, and waved us away, standing aside to let Nina and Thomas pass.
‘Not without my friend,’ said Nina rebelliously.
‘No go in, we’ll be fine,’ I said, secretly relieved.
‘Yeah, go ahead,’ Carl agreed, ‘We can always go and get a burger or something.’
Nina looked undecided, but Thomas put his arm around her shoulders and turned to us and said, ‘Come on, it doesn’t make sense for us all to miss out, does it? Why don’t you guys go for a drive and we’ll meet you back here later?’
Yeah, and I’m Harry Potter.
Carl took me by the sleeve and we picked our way back out through crush of people by the door. I saw Nina look back at me and wave uncertainly, and then she was swallowed up by the crowd.
The cold was unbearable by this point, and I could no longer feel my feet. Carl led me to his car and we climbed in and turned the heater on full blast. I was worried. I should have been keeping an eye on Nina.
‘To be honest with you, I wasn’t that bothered about getting in,’ said Carl.
‘God, me neither! I never enjoy parties, it always feels like I’m looking into a fish tank where everyone seems to be having loads of fun, but I’m still on the outside so I can’t join in.’
‘Just neck a couple of Jagerbombs, you’ll soon get into the mood!’
‘That’s your top tip for socialising, is it?’
‘It works for me! Seriously though, I’d say half the people in there who seem like they’re having a blast are shy and nervous underneath.’
‘Who isn’t.’ I sighed.
‘You don’t seem scared of other people.’
‘Me? Are you serious? I spend half my life terrified that other people are just better than me at everything.’
God, why was I telling him my life story?
‘Maybe, but from the outside you seem pretty smart and confident. To me, anyway.’
It was the first time anyone had called me smart. Smart-arse, maybe.
Carl wasn’t so bad after all.
We ended up having a pretty good evening, just laughing and joking around, sharing a bargain bucket we’d got from the KFC drive-though.
Before I knew it, it was after two o’clock. I saw the time, and was seized by panic, and in that same instant my phone rang. I answered instinctively, expecting to hear Nina’s voice. But instead the voice I heard at the other end was Patrick’s.
I nearly had a heart attack.
‘Hi Mia, sorry to bother you. I’ve just tried to call Nina, but her phone’s switched off, and er, it is quite late. I was getting worried. Are you okay? Do you need a lift?’ he asked, concerned.
I couldn’t answer, I felt like my love for him was literally suffocating me.
I don’t need a ride, I need you.
I pulled myself together, cleared my throat and answered him, almost annoyed, ‘Oh, it’s you! Yeah, Nina’s got no reception, but don’t worry, we’ll be back soon!’
‘Oh, okay! I thought it would be something like that! Sorry for disturbing you, but would you mind putting her on to me?’
Shit! There was no way I could imitate Nina’s voice.
‘She’s...just in the loo!’
‘Okay Mia, but get her to call me though, so I can go to bed happy.’
I zoned out for a second, thinking about him in his bed.
‘It’s very quiet for a party, isn’t it?’ he went on.
Oh God!
‘Oh, er, it’s my phone. It has a silencer function. It’s a new thing.’
What the hell was I saying? I was talking to a naval officer who could probably have tracked me down with a satellite if he wanted. And then arrested me, and handcuffed me, and…what was I talking about again?
‘Well, it works really well, Mia. You’ll have to tell me which model it is so I can get one too! Anyway, have fun and don’t forget to call me!’
‘No, of course, I’ll call you straight back, don’t worry!’
I wished the ground would swallow me up. I didn’t know where Nina was, I had just lied to the love of my life in the longest conversation I ever had with him and I had no idea how I was going to get out of it.
‘Sorry, did you just get a call from the Queen?’ asked Carl, who I had completely forgotten about.
‘With who?’
‘It was obviously someone really important. And then you went all serious and embarrassed, like you’d been caught stealing.’
I stared at him for a moment, and then said, as naturally as I could manage. ‘That was Nina’s dad. He can’t get hold of her, so he called me.’
‘Ah, that would explain it. Do you want to go in and look for her?’
‘Yes, we’d better, come on, it’s nearly three!’
We got out of the car and walked back towards the house. It looked like it was going to snow. We passed a few small groups of boys, almost all faces I knew. Someone had collapsed on the lawn and some drunk girls were staggering around with their arms around each other’s shoulders, singing at the top of their lungs, seemingly oblivious to the frost.
No sign of Nina out there.
‘We’ll have to go in,’ Carl said.
I nodded.
The huge bouncer was still in front of the entrance. Carl walked over to him.
‘Can we come in?’ he asked.
‘You’re not on theme,’ said the bouncer without looking at him, more intent on listening to something that was being said into his earpiece.
‘We’re actually from the local authority Drugs Awareness Team, and we’ve had reports of an incident inside this property. We’d like to go in and help quickly and quietly if we can, unless you’d like us to come back with the police?’
The big man looked dow
n at us and sighed. It was difficult to tell if he was fooled, or if he just had a grudging respect for the best lie he’d heard all evening. Either way, he stood aside and let us in.
Inside everything was in darkness except for a few neon lights and a disco ball suspended over the dance floor. A song by Cheryl was playing in the background.
We walked past Bibi and Dell draped over two guys who looked like they’d stepped straight out of the pages of Vogue. There were other couples here and there, making out on the sofas. None of them was Nina and Thomas.
We tried calling them on both their phones, with no luck. I was terrified that Patrick was going to call me back any second and I would have nothing to tell him. So I turned off my phone, too. There was no sign of them anywhere. I felt like I was drowning.
In the end I asked Carl to take me home. I supposed I had to accept that my friend had the right to make her own decisions and it wasn’t my place to check up on her or tell her what to do.
‘Where on earth can they be?’ he asked, bewildered.
‘I think they’re probably at Thomas’s house, but what can we do, lurk outside? They’re both adults and they know what they are doing, at least I hope they do…’
I instantly regretted having said it.
‘Ohhh, so you think they’re…?’ he asked, with a grin.
‘I don’t know, they might be. Where else can they be?’
He smiled mischievously and got back into the car. We arrived in front of my house in silence. It was half past three.
‘Thanks for a great night, Mia. I had a lot more fun than I thought I would!’
‘Are you kidding?’ I asked, surprised.
‘No, I’m serious, I thought I’d be sat in a corner drinking warm beer from a paper cup, but instead I got to spend the evening with you. Do you, er, want to meet up again? Maybe we could go to the cinema or something?’ he suggested eagerly.
But all I could think about was how Patrick was trying to call me right at that moment, and maybe he would call the police. And Nina. What was Nina doing right now? I hoped nothing she would regret.
‘Okay, yes, call me, we could go somewhere in the week, maybe for a pizza.’
‘Do dancers eat pizza?’ he asked, amused.
9781789543087 If I Can't Have You Page 5