He got up and came towards me.
‘Hi!’ he said, leaning over to kiss me on the cheek. If he had even tried to take my hand I would have bitten him.
‘I’ll see you tonight at dinner,’ Nina told me, heading for the bus stop.
‘Half seven, yes!’
‘You’re having dinner together?’ Carl asked, trying to hide his disappointment at being left out.
‘Yeah, it’s a tradition, I have a barbecue every Friday at her house. I’ve actually got loads on this week. Revising, you know?’ I glanced over my shoulder to see if the bus had arrived yet.
‘Oh. Ok. Well...I’ll see you when I see you.’ he concluded, with a slight shrug.
I had gone too far. He may have been older than me, and I was sure I wasn’t his first girlfriend, but he had made himself vulnerable by confessing his feelings. He had always treated me with respect, while I acted like he was a creepy stalker I needed to shake off. Carl was a nice guy. He was sweet, he laughed at my stupid jokes, and I had humiliated him. I thought all of this to myself as I watched him walk away, never stopping to look back. What was wrong with me? What gave me the right to treat people like that?
‘Carl!’ I called, running after him.
He pretended not to hear, which I probably deserved.
I caught up with him.
‘Wait,’ I said, pulling at his shirt.
‘What?’ he replied calmly without stopping.
‘I’m sorry I was rude before.’
‘You weren’t rude.’
‘I was! I was horrible to you!’
‘It’s fine. No need to apologise...’
‘Can you stop for a minute?’ I said, anxious not to let him slip between my fingers.
‘I’m late,’ he said, without looking at me.
‘Late for what? Performing heart surgery? Making an address to the nation? Launching a spaceship?’
He smiled, barely. ‘I’m late for going back to how I was before we met. I’d prefer to do it now, before I get too involved. Although, to be honest, I already am.’ He kept walking.
It was time to say something important. I understood exactly how he felt, what it was like to love someone who didn’t feel the same way. And he had behaved perfectly through all of this. There were no hidden agendas. He had fallen in love with me and been completely honest about it. I just had to decide whether to accept his advances or reject him once and for all. I couldn’t keep stringing him along like this.
Only one thing was certain: I didn’t want to lose him. To be honest, I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I would much rather have just been friends, but I didn’t know how we could go back to that, and I didn’t want Carl to disappear from my already friendless life.
‘I-I want to be with you!’
He stopped and turned to look at me.
‘What did you say?’
‘I said I want to be with you.’
He laughed, not unkindly, and came towards me.
‘Mia, you really must have a low opinion of me!’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked, puzzled.
‘I know perfectly that isn’t what you want. You think I’m a nice guy, and you like hanging out with me. But that’s it.’
I felt myself blush.
‘That’s not true.’
‘Don’t worry, Mia, it’s fine. That’s just the way things are sometimes. You tried, but it didn’t work out. You can’t make yourself feel something that you don’t.’
‘I wish I could. I just.I don’t know how. I’m sorry.’
He looked at me tenderly, ‘When you fall in love, you’ll know.’ He touched my nose gently with his finger, and turned to leave.
He was treating me like a child and he was walking away. The scene was painfully similar to that day, years ago, in my father’s study. But this time, I had caused it. I stood there, frozen to the spot, undecided whether to run after him and beg him not to leave and give me time to learn to love him, or to tell him about Patrick.
Instead I just watched him walk away.
I felt a pang in my heart, and it hurt like hell. I couldn’t tell if I was grieving a friend, a potential love, or someone who, despite all my flaws, had liked me and found me beautiful even with a busted nose. I knew he would be missing me too, and I felt a sense of frustration and helplessness growing in me, as I followed him with my eyes until he disappeared around a corner.
Fine! If he didn’t want to be with me, he was free to leave. I didn’t need him. I didn’t need anyone. I could finally return to my pre-Carl life of daydreaming, studying and tests.
I returned home with an overwhelming sense of sadness. I should have been in seventh heaven, looking forward to dinner, but instead I felt lonely and guilty. Carl had given me an affection and stability I’d never had before, and he had done it so naturally and honestly, that, now that I had lost him, I felt an enormous emptiness. I wouldn’t think about it. I had to concentrate on that evening that I had wanted with all my strength, and on the fact that Patrick had invited me personally.
I went home with a face like thunder.
‘Your dad called,’ Mum called from the living room.
‘What for?’
‘He’s coming over later to take you out for dinner, with Libby and the kids.’
Tonight?
Of course tonight. I had broken Carl’s heart, and I was being punished.
‘But I said I’d go for dinner at Nina’s.’
‘You can go there any time. You know he comes over every three months. Or would you rather go and stay with them for the weekend?’
Going to Pimlico for the weekend meant pretending not to mind being tormented by those two little monsters, being stuffed with shepherd’s pie by Dad’s mother-in-law, and sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room. Faced with a choice like that of course I would rather go for a quick meal nearer to home. Just not that evening. Not that bloody evening, damn it!
If I didn’t go to Nina’s, I wouldn’t get the chance to see Pat again for who knew how long, and after this he definitely wouldn’t invite me again. But I had no choice. If I argued with Mum about it, she would make me go anyway and tell Dad I hadn’t wanted to. With a heavy heart, I called Nina and told her I couldn’t make it. She was a bit disappointed, but nothing compared to what I was feeling.
I had never felt so alone in all my life. People get used to being loved so quickly, and we take for granted that the person who loves us will always be there, ready to give their time and affection. Until one day that person disappears and takes a piece of you with them.
I would go to dinner with my father and I would lose them both in one day.
From now on, there would only be dance. I was clearly unable to cope with people and emotions: the people I wanted didn’t want me, and vice versa. The only unshakeable certainty I had was those pointe shoes, unyielding, rigid and painful, like my life. Twenty-four hours earlier I had been excited and full of expectations, and now I was struggling under the weight of guilt and disappointment. I took a deep breath, as though I was standing backstage waiting to go on and perform, and braced myself to face that horrible evening. With any luck, Adrian would have vomited or the stock market would have collapsed.
My father rang the bell at a quarter to seven, a clear sign that they wanted to get going soon. Mum opened the door, and there he was, hands stuffed in the pockets of his grey cardigan, with a few lonely strands of hair still clinging to his head. Once they had been married, lived in the same house and made plans for their future together, and now he was a stranger with another life in another city, with another woman and other children. I thought about Carl. It seemed unnatural to pretend that nothing had happened after being so intimate. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but if they could do it after marriage and a child, I supposed I would manage it after one oniony kiss.
I put on my jacket and went out with my head down. The station wagon was parked in the driveway, with Libby sitting in the passenger seat and the
two demon spawn behind her, shrieking and pulling each other’s hair. I gave a deep sigh and looked up at the sky. I could have sworn I saw a big fat man sitting on a cloud, roaring with laughter.
I got in the back and was greeted by a carton of juice hurled at my forehead.
‘Seb, please,’ I begged him, ‘My face is already bruised.’
‘I’m not Seb, I’m Adrian! What happened to your face?’
I could never tell which was which, and to be honest I didn’t try all that hard. They would have changed by the next time I saw them anyway.
‘I got into a fight with a dinosaur, but he came out of it much worse.’
They stared at me with curiosity and mistrust mixed with respect. But it made them quiet, which was good.
‘So, how are you Mia?’ Libby asked me, adjusting her hair in the mirror.
I had nothing against her in general, but in solidarity with my mum I had decided not to be too friendly.
‘Good, thanks.’
‘Mum said you’re deciding which subjects to pick for next year,’ said my father.
‘Yes, I still haven’t decided whether to become a nuclear engineer or a piper.’
‘What’s a piper?’ asked one of the twins.
‘It’s somebody who plays the bagpipes,’ Libby explained.
‘What’s bagpipes?’ echoed the other.
‘A musical instrument,’ she continued patiently.
‘Why does she want to play bagpipes?’
‘Because she wants to be unique,’ my father said dryly.
‘What does unique mean?’ asked the first twin. Or maybe it was the second.
‘Okay! Okay! It was a joke!’ I burst out
Silence fell for about a minute, then they started pulling each other’s hair again.
Why was this happening to me? I should have been with Patrick, staring into his eyes, but instead, here I was with the Addams family.
‘Mum, can we go to MacDonalds?’
‘No Seb, MacDonalds is bad for you.’
‘I WANT MACDONALLLLLDSSSS!!!!’ he screamed in my left ear.
‘IT’S NOT FAAAAIRRRRR!!!!’ the other one screamed in my right ear.
‘Stop making a fuss!’ Libby turned around threateningly, ‘Behave yourselves and stop bothering Mia! ‘
Like I said, she was nice to me, but I couldn’t bring myself to be nice back. It was against nature.
We crossed the city centre and continued on Hinckley Road to the Langton Inn, a family restaurant that accepted screaming monsters. Libby had an exhausted air, like her entire personality had been absorbed by those two hellbeasts. I wondered if my father sometimes thought he had messed up by leaving Mum for Libby, but if he did, it was certainly too late to come back.
Adrian took one of my hands and Seb took the other, not through any brotherly affection, but to hang off me with all their strength and probably detach my arms while they were at it.
‘Hey you two!’ Libby called, holding up a huge sack containing everything they would need to keep them quiet during dinner. ‘Here, I’ve got colouring books, felt tips, Spongebob, and the Ninja Hamster. Now leave your sister alone for God’s sake!’
The words ‘your sister’ made me feel strange. I didn’t consider them family, but they could still come to me for a kidney transplant. It seemed absurd that I could suddenly become a close relative of someone, without my authorisation, just because my father changed partners.
The waitress greeted us with a drawn smile, as if she knew what was waiting for her.
‘Do you come here often?’ I asked.
‘Whenever the house is completely trashed,’ Libby replied, ‘They only let us in because we leave good tips.’
Libby and Mum had a few things in common, as much as I hated to admit it. They were both blondes, hard workers, excellent mothers and had a great sense of humour. The fact that she, too, had chosen my father as a life partner only increased the mystery.
They gave us a table at the back of the room behind a screen. Meanwhile one of the twins had already grabbed a fork from a nearby table and tried to puncture his brother who immediately began to howl.
‘Parenthood, eh?’ I said to my father, who was scrutinizing the menu, leaving Libby to separating the two reprobates.
‘I think I’ll have a rare steak, with chips and grilled tomatoes,’ was his reply.
Finally Libby managed to get the kids to the table with threats of calling Jimmy Pig-Feet to take them away.
‘Jimmy Pig-Feet?’ I asked, puzzled.
She looked at me in despair and shook her head like someone who no longer knows
what to invent.
‘What are you having, Mia?’
‘I think I’ll have a cheeseburger with mushroom sauce and onion rings.’
Onions made me think of Carl.
‘I’m on a diet,’ Libby sighed, ‘So I’ll just have a Caesar salad with grilled salmon and no sauce.’
‘I want a burger as well!’ one of the twins shouted.
‘I want two burgers!’
‘Giles, please,’ Libby pleaded, ‘Can I have some help here?’
‘If they want the burger, let them have it,’ he replied as if she had just landed from Mars.
‘You know they just play with it and never finish it.’
‘Do as your mother says,’ he concluded and went back to studying the menu.
‘That’s not faaaaair!’ they bawled in unison.
Libby slapped them, exasperated, and they retreated into a silent sulk.
‘You will have chicken nuggets and chips and I don’t want any arguments!’ Then she turned to me and muttered, ‘Mia, If you ever start feeling as though you’d like to be a mother, just give me a call, okay?’
When the food arrived, Seb announced at the top of his voice that he needed a poo, followed immediately by Adrian. Poor Libby grabbed them and went off to the Ladies. I could have sworn she had tears in her eyes.
‘So how’s the stock market?’ I tried to make conversation with my father, while he studiously spread butter on his garlic bread.
‘Not bad. I’ve been rather proud of some of my recent investments.’
‘Well, some people are proud of their children, and some people are proud of their investments,’ I teased, not knowing what else to say.
‘In what sense?’ He looked at me questioningly. My father and Paul also had some things in common.
‘So, have you decided what options you’re taking next year?’
Hadn’t he asked me this twenty minutes ago?
‘I think art or music, French and maths.’ Which were Royal Ballet subjects.
‘But isn’t that a little bit.? I mean art and music... they won’t really help you when it comes to getting a job…’
‘Well, I haven’t decided yet. Maybe I’ll take physics, chemistry and biology.’ It was better to cut that particular conversation short.
Libby returned, a little red in the face. The twins were carrying micro toothbrushes from the dispenser.
‘At least now we can eat in peace...’
The rest of the dinner passed quite quietly, not taking into account the little incident where Seb launched the salt shaker and most of his chips into Adrian’s face.
We returned home in blissful silence, with the twins finally asleep in their seats. As I looked out of the window, I thought of how little I had in common with my father and wondered if, sometimes, the overwhelming desire for change in a person’s life might cause them to make the worst choices.
We passed in front of a pub, not far from home, with lights on and a bunch of kids standing around and talking on their bikes. It took me a few seconds to realise that what I was seeing, as our car the car passed by, was not a vision, but Patrick riding his motorbike with a long-haired brunette on the back, her arms wrapped tightly around him. The mushroom sauce was repeating on me. Patrick was mine, who the hell was she? I stayed glued to the window until they disappeared round a corner, trying to explain aw
ay what I had seen. There had to be a rational explanation. Maybe she’d fallen out of a spaceship and landed behind him.
We arrived in front of my house, and I crept out of the car in silence so as not to wake the devil children. I quickly kissed Libby and my father and went out into the cold night, and into the grip of total panic. I had to know. Who was that? And why hadn’t Nina told me anything? I knew all his relatives and it definitely wasn’t any of his cousins.
I had been mad to think that someone like him wouldn’t have a girlfriend. Why had the idea never occurred to me?
Mum was out, it was half past nine and freezing cold. In less than a second, I came up with the most idiotic plan in the history of the world’s most idiotic plans. I put on my gloves, scarf and woolly hat and jumped on my bike. I had to know the truth.
I raced through the streets like an arrow, my burning anger protecting me from the cold. The road was dark and there was hardly anyone around, definitely not the time for me to be wandering about on my own. I flew past silent parks and cheerfully-lit houses where normal people were watching TV in the warmth, not caring about anything but following the white line.
Finally, after a good half hour, I arrived outside the pub. I was frozen and upset, but I had to find out. Without him seeing me. The Pump & Tap was a large three-storey red brick building with pointed gables. I could see a small group of boys in the beer garden, but I wasn’t close enough to see if he was there or not. I couldn’t see his bike any more. I tied my bike to a lamp post, then crept forward and ducked behind a car to get a closer look. I have no words to describe how stupid I felt at that moment, but curiosity was eating me up.
He was no longer outside the pub, and I certainly couldn’t casually walk inside. What would I say if he saw me, ‘Oh, yes, I always pop in for a pint, before cycling home in the dark to the other side of the city!’
God, it was cold! It felt like having hot needles inside my gloves. I tried to warm my hands by blowing on them, but that just seemed to make them worse. My curiosity and anxiety began to fade, and I no longer remembered why I had come all this way. What was I supposed to do now? Go in and shout at him like a jealous girlfriend?
I suddenly felt very vulnerable and helpless. Not to mention if Mum ever found out, I could wave goodbye to my dreams of dancing glory, because she would break my arms and legs. I collected my bike with a chill in my heart, and started pedalling again, wondering helplessly what Patrick was doing at that moment and, above all, with whom.
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