‘We can go to the shops later if you want,’ I suggested, ‘I’ll help you choose a present for Carl.’
‘But you hate buying Christmas presents.’
‘I hate seeing you sad more.’
‘You are the best friend ever,’ she said, hugging me
After French we caught the bus into the city centre. The streets were lit up with cascades of silver lights that framed the shop windows, Christmas songs played over loudspeakers, street vendors were selling roast chestnuts and mulled wine and the air was full of festive cheer. We pushed our way anxiously through the crowded shops, laden with bags.
It was a hellish pit, but the feeling of being there, with or for someone who loved you made the experience bearable. Romantic even. I decided that I would buy something for Patrick.
‘Do you have any ideas?’ I asked, eyeing the queue outside the Apple Store in despair.
‘Scarf and gloves?’ she said with a shrug.
‘Wow lucky Carl! Why not just get him a pair of slippers and have done with it? ‘
‘You think?’
‘Of course not! It’s your first Christmas together, it’s got to be something special, hasn’t it? I mean, I don’t know, I’m probably the least romantic person in the world.’
‘You are the creative one though.’
‘Well, would you be happy if he got you a scarf and gloves?’
‘I’d kill him!’
‘I think we’d better leave them then, come on.’
I grabbed her sleeve so we didn’t get separated, and we kept pushing through the crowd. I spotted a nice blue turtleneck sweater for Patrick which would bring out his eyes and accentuate his muscular shoulders.
‘What do you reckon?’ Nina asked, holding up a red sweatshirt.
I put my fingers in my throat and she put it back on the rail.
I picked out a grey shirt: ‘This one?’
She made a face.
And so it went on until she spotted the blue sweater I had chosen for Patrick and exclaimed, ‘Here, this is perfect!’
I tried to say something, but she had already run over to the cashier.
I grabbed a scarf and a pair of gloves and followed her.
It was too much.
Later, I got a message from Carl asking me if I would go shopping with him the next day to get a present for Nina. The last thing I wanted was to spend another day fighting my way through the chaos, but he insisted, so we ended up meeting in a Starbucks just outside the city centre. He waved at me through the window and motioned for me to come outside. I reluctantly left my steaming cup of gingerbread latte on the table and I went out into the cold.
Carl’s cheeks and hands were blue, and he wore a ridiculous hat with long ears down to his shoulders.
‘Sorry, there’s somewhere I want to go before it closes,’ he explained, walking at a brisk pace.
I trotted along behind, trying not to lose sight of him, but he was too fast.
‘Come on!’ he called back at me, running across the street.
I saw him turn the corner and enter a shop.
The owner was closing up, but Carl managed to convince him to let us in.
It was a jewellers.
‘You’re getting her a ring?’ I asked, startled.
He nodded his head.
‘What do you think about this?’ he asked, pointing to a silver ring with a purple stone.
‘Amethyst would go very well with the young lady’s colouring,’ said the shopkeeper, motioning towards me.
‘Oh, it’s not for me,’ I assured him, taking Carl to one side.
‘Are you sure you know what you’re doing? A ring? Do you not think it seems a bit much?
‘No I don’t think it seems a bit much,’ he answered irritably
‘But. why?’
‘What do you mean why? Because I want to, that’s why! I’m getting a nice present for your best friend, you should be happy!’
The jeweller was clearly getting impatient with our indecisiveness, and started looking pointedly at the clock.
‘But you’ve only been together five minutes.’
‘So?’
‘So I don’t understand why you’re in such a hurry to put a ring on her finger.’
‘Because I want to, that’s why!’
‘Do you love her?’ I asked point-blank.
‘Of course I love her!’ he answered haughtily.
I looked at him doubtfully.
‘Doesn’t this answer your question?’ he said, pushing the ring under my nose.
‘Is it a ring on her finger, or a chain around her neck?’
‘Oh, I get it, you’re jealous!’
‘Don’t talk bollocks, I’m trying to protect her!’
‘From me?’
‘From being let down again! Until a month ago you were in love with me and now you’re spending four hundred pounds on a ring for Nina? You fall in love very easily!’
That seemed to be a sore point.
‘Look, I like her, I’m happy with her and I want to be serious, isn’t that enough?’
‘I don’t believe you, I think you just want to be able to show her off and make your friends jealous, like Thomas did.’
‘I’m not like that, Mia, I thought you knew me better,’ he said angrily.
‘Prove it.’
‘I intend to, now can you just tell me if you like the ring,’ he snapped.
I glanced at it grudgingly ‘Yes, fine, very nice.’
He paid and we went outside in sullen silence.
I thought he was being stupid and reckless. Even if Nina did like it, it didn’t mean it was a smart thing to do. Why did he have to tie her to him? Did he want to show her off like a trophy? I was sick of everything. It was all changing too quickly and there was nothing I could do to stop it. But most of all I was disappointed by Patrick. Perhaps I had been deluding myself that there was something between us.
A week before the show we started full rehearsals, and chaos descended on the entire school. The air was buzzing with nervous excitement, and everywhere you looked there were groups of people singing and dancing. Even Mrs Jenkins was discussing dance moves with people as she walked through the corridors. Carl and Nina had been perfecting their roles as young lovers in private for a month now, and were so in love that they seemed over-the top and fake. Or perhaps that was just me being bitter.
Everything else was falling apart. If we had gone on stage at another point in history, we would have been pelted with rotten tomatoes. Nothing was working, nobody knew their cues, and the boys spent the entire time messing about and laughing. Mr Davies, the games teacher, was shouting useless orders into his megaphone to an increasingly rowdy and out of control crowd. He struggled to get their attention, but everyone ignored him or pretended not to hear.
They didn’t care about discipline and respect, they didn’t have a clue what it meant ‘to honour a stage.’ I hated them for being so ignorant and, at the same time, I hated feeling so different from all the normal teenagers.
I went over to Mr. Davies who was so busy reading his notes that he didn’t even notice me.
‘Can I help you?’
He shook his head in despair. ‘This is not how it was supposed to be! Look at them, they’re out of control. They’re not listening to a word I say, everyone’s just doing whatever they want, and the show is in a week! I can’t do it!’ he said, with desperation in his eyes.
‘Maybe if you gave the ringleaders an important role, they’ll be more invested in it. If you choose group leaders who don’t like being disrespected they’ll soon put the rest in line. If it’s them that end up looking stupid when things go wrong they’ll soon take a different view!’
He looked at me with renewed interest and gave me an embarrassed and grateful smile, then motioned for Peter Burke, the worst thug in the school, to come over for a chat.
When everyone was gone and the gym fell into silence and darkness, I slipped on a pair of old tracksuit botto
ms, a loose T-shirt and my pointe shoes and tried out my Abba piece. I never usually danced alone, except in my room between the desk and the bed (if you could call that dancing!) and it gave me an indescribable feeling of freedom, lightness and harmony. My body and I became one with the music, a perfect union between passion and balance, outside of space and time, in an unreal dimension where rules and obstacles did not exist. I danced until every other thought was banished from my head, until I felt completely calm and satisfied. If the rest of my life worked like when I danced, I would never have any problems.
When I had finished my rehearsal and went to the changing room to get dressed, there was a bouquet of flowers and a letter resting next to my bag. Orange gerberas with small red and white roses.
I opened the letter:
Hi Mia,
I won’t be able to make the premiere of the show, but I wanted so much to see you dance that I got a few hours’ leave and came up from Portsmouth to watch you. I saw you while you were rehearsing and I didn’t want to disturb you, but I want you to know that I thought you were incredible. I had no idea you were so good. I have always thought of you as a little sister, but now I see you have become a wonderful, talented woman.
I’m sorry I couldn’t stay for longer. It’s a long way back, and it looks like snow, but when I come back on leave after Christmas, I was hoping you would agree to have dinner with me (not at my parents’ house this time!)
Lots of love, and I know you’ll knock them dead at that audition,
Patrick.
I took a breath. It was as if a ghost had passed.
Patrick had driven for three hours just to watch me dance and then driven all the way back again. I went out looking for him among the empty chairs, but there was no-one there.
In my mind I saw him sitting at the back, clapping and smiling at me proudly. I took the flowers in my arms as gently as if they were a new born baby, selecting a red rose from the bouquet and throwing it towards Patrick, who took it and brought it to his lips. I bowed deeply, holding one hand over my heart, and, rising, I threw him a kiss with my hand.
I had never been happier in my life. This was all I had ever wanted.
From that moment on I was never the same. December 12th was the official border between my childhood and my adolescence and from that day on I began to experience entirely new and unknown feelings. It frightened and excited me, as if I was entering a magical and unexplored land.
Patrick no longer saw me as a sister, but as a woman, and he wanted to meet me and spend time alone with me. It was a big deal. Even though Patrick was only a couple of years older than me, I couldn’t help but feel proud to have been asked out by the most sought-after boy in the neighbourhood. I wanted to write it on the walls and shout it to the four winds, and more than anything else, I wanted to tell Nina, but that had become the one big secret between us. I knew she wouldn’t understand and would feel betrayed. I only hoped that, if I waited for the right moment, I could one day, calmly and tactfully, explain to her what I had always felt for her brother. Maybe Patrick would even be there to help me.
But for now I wanted to enjoy this new and unexplored emotion, to savour it drop by drop. Everyone noticed that I was different: Mum, Nina and even Claire, who was beginning to replace her usual pessimism with an overall feeling of confidence about my audition.
The show was a success. Everyone was focused, determined not to make any mistakes. Peter Burke had lined up his entire gang and warned them to do what Mr. Davies told them and not to fuck it up, otherwise they’d have him to deal with. Mr. Davies actually came backstage to thank me!
The applause seemed to last for about half an hour, then Mr Davies was called onstage and presented with a bottle of single malt and everyone cheered. Parents and teachers alike were beaming with pride and congratulating one another, and there was already talk of doing Mamma Mia 2 the following year.
My solo had received a flood of applause, especially from Paul who had clapped until his hands were raw, whooping and stamping his feet until Mum got embarrassed and made him sit down. I was touched that he had come - my father never would have - and I began to think that maybe we had finally found the right man for us. Even Mum was excited and proud, but it was hard to admit it, especially with all the other parents congratulating her and taking it for granted that this would be my career, which led to a fair few awkward silences.
Patrick had messaged me just as the show was about to start, saying he knew I would be amazing, and he would be with me in spirit even though he couldn’t make it in person. When the lights went down and the spotlight fell on me, I danced just for him and gave the performance of my life, and when I went to my locker afterwards, I found more flowers waiting for me, although this time they had been delivered by Interflora.
Nina, who until then had been busy taking paparazzi shots with the other ‘stars’ on the red carpet that had been set up going into the gym, came over to me with a serious look on her face.I automatically threw my jacket over the flowers.
‘Mia, we need to talk!’ she said, leading me to the bathroom.
I was immediately ready with an infinite number of excuses, cursing the moment when I had confided in Carl.
‘I never saw you dance on stage before. It made me cry!’
‘Was it that bad?’ I asked, relieved.
‘No, idiot! I was crying because it was so beautiful. You were like an angel, Mia. You were born to dance, and you can’t and don’t have to do anything else with your life. I wish I had half your talent!!’
I blushed and looked at the floor. ‘Aw, come on, it was just a stupid Abba thing…’ I muttered.
‘Exactly! Just imagine how good you’ll be on a real stage, with a real costume and a real orchestra!’
The thought of it made me sick with excitement and longing. Me, Prima Ballerina. But at the moment it seemed like an impossible dream to be a dancer at all.’
‘Mia. there’s only one solution, and we both know it.’
‘Robbing a bank?’
‘Your grandmother.’
‘I can’t ask my grandmother to pay my fees.’
‘You have no other choice if you want to go to the Royal Ballet, it’s the only chance you have.’
I sighed. She was right and I knew it. I kept putting it off, hoping that Claire was right and something would turn up out of the blue, but in reality, only my grandmother Olga could help me pursue my dream. The moment had arrived that I had dreaded most of all: I had to call her secretly, behind Mum’s back. It was the cruellest thing I could do to her, but it was also the only hope for my future and I couldn’t allow their pride to get in the way. If my grandmother refused, then I would have to accept that it was not to be, but if she agreed to help me, then I would find a way to tell Mum, and hopefully one day she would understand.
‘Mia, we have to do it tomorrow, come to my house after school and we’ll make the phone call together.’
‘Tomorrow? I don’t know if.’
‘Tomorrow, at mine!’ she said firmly.
Later, in the car with Mum and Paul, the atmosphere was decidedly awkward. Paul showered me with praise and asked endless questions, overcome with enthusiasm and failing to notice that Mum had withdrawn into frosty silence.
‘I’ve never seen anything like it, love. You’re really good! And when you did that thing - the one where you lift your leg up to your ear - I thought it was going to drop off!
And those spins and jumps, as well, it was like you were flying! How do you stay on your toes, don’t your feet hurt? Those shoes must be very uncomfortable! She makes it look easy, doesn’t she Elena? Eh? You’re going to be a star! Will you still talk to us when you’re famous?’
Mum sighed, looking out the window.
‘Elena?’ Paul persisted, thinking she hadn’t heard, ‘Don’t you think she’s a born dancer?’
‘Of course!’ she burst out finally, ‘Yes, fine, Mia was born to the dance, that’s all I’ve heard all night, from be
ginning to end, ‘You must be so proud of your daughter, you’re so lucky, where is she studying next year?’ Apparently I am the only one not to have noticed my daughter’s extraordinary abilities! But who will pay to send her to that school, eh? Them?
‘I wanted to say to that headmistress ‘Do you have thirty thousand pounds in spare change? Because I don’t, and my daughter is not satisfied with just any school! I would like to see what they would do in my place!’
She spoke as if I wasn’t there.
‘Maybe they would do something!’ I challenged her.
‘How would they, if they’ve got one income to pay all the bills and the rent? Not all families are like Nina’s, in fact I guarantee you that most of them are like ours, or maybe worse because they have more children and elderly parents who need care. In some families the kids have to take an apprenticeship at sixteen because they need the extra income.’
‘Maybe in your time. After the war!’
‘I went to work at sixteen because I wanted to be free and not depend on your grandmother, and believe me, if I had given in and let her rule my life, I could have had money, a career, anything, but I regret absolutely nothing!’
‘I think if you went back you would make different choices,’ I insisted.
‘Like what?’
‘Like not marrying Dad and staying in Italy. The ballet schools aren’t so expensive there!’
‘It all comes down to money, eh Mia? Do feelings mean nothing to you? Love, friendship, making sacrifices for someone other than yourself…’
‘Don’t tell me that your life now makes you happy.’
Paul coughed loudly, trying to derail the conversation before it went somewhere unpleasant. It did no good.
‘You know what Mia? Maybe you’re right. If I could go back I would do things differently. I could leave you with nanny, go off around the world and every now and then I would give you a call when I remembered. What an idiot I was to give up my life to take care of you!’
Paul was coughing enough to give himself a fit.
‘Nobody asked you to. A child shouldn’t make any difference!’
She turned to me with her eyes popping out of her head.
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