Because it was true.
I loved him.
15
When I got in, Mum was sitting at the kitchen table, holding an envelope in her hand. I went in to say hello and she gave me a look I had never seen before. It scared me.
‘Hi Mum!’ I said, smiling and waiting for an answer.
‘This morning,’ she said quietly, ‘I received this.’
She held up the letter and I immediately recognised the coat of arms at the top.
‘The Royal Ballet School has set the date of your audition for February 14th. Too bad you forgot to tell me.’
‘Mum. I was going to tell you.’ I said in a faint voice, looking at the floor.
‘Of course you were. But it seems that you also forgot to tell me that your grandmother has guaranteed payment of the fee.’
‘I... I was going to tell you that too.’
She gave me a look full of resentment.
‘You have no idea what you have done, of how disappointed in you I am, or of how much you have hurt me.’ She spoke in a voice I didn’t recognise. It was a hiss, a rattle, the cry of a wounded animal.
‘Mamma, I didn’t mean to.’
‘Shut up! I don’t want to hear it!’ she snapped. ‘This was the worst possible thing you could have done to me. Is this your way of getting back at me because you thought I wasn’t helping just to spite you, because I didn’t want you to have a career in dance?
Have you ever thought for a moment that it is practically impossible for a single parent with a normal job to find that kind of money? You knew what the relationship between your grandmother and I was, of how much it cost me to free myself from her control, her manipulations, and her constant judgment! And you had the nerve to go crying to her! ‘Mum is being horrible to me, Nonna, she doesn’t want to send me to dance school!’ God, she must have loved that! Knowing that I failed at everything: the man I gave it all up for ran off with another woman, I have a mediocre job and I can’t afford to send my daughter to the Royal fucking Ballet!’
‘Mum.’ I tried to think of anything to say that might make it better, tears rolling down my face and my heart in pieces.
‘You can’t even begin to understand what you’ve done, Mia! You stabbed me in the back, the person I trusted most in the world! And if you must know, I’ve just been offered a new job that I won’t enjoy, but it’s better paid, and I accepted so we could afford to send you to your bloody school next year!’
I felt the ground fall away under my feet. I had broken her with my selfishness and my greed. My mother, the person I loved and respected most in the world, could barely bring herself to speak to me. And she was right. I had never seen her in so much pain, and there was nothing I could do to take it back.
‘Mum, I won’t go to the audition, I’ll tell my grandmother I’ve changed my mind, and…’
‘Oh no! You will go to that audition, and from now on, you will be answerable to your grandmother. Then you will understand what I meant about her mind games. I’ve washed my hands of it, I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. Don’t look for me, don’t call me. You have made your choice as a responsible adult and you will pay the consequences of your actions.’
She staggered to her feet and leaned weakly against the door frame.
‘Mum!’ I ran over to support her, but she shrank back.
‘Don’t touch me. Don’t you touch me!’
16
I was distraught, overwhelmed by a suffocating feeling of helplessness, like an animal being led to the slaughter. I was lost without my mother. I realised too late how much I had overestimated my abilities in thinking I could do this alone.
Who could I turn to now? Should I call my grandmother, who I’d met three times in my life? And do what? Tell tales on Mum for yelling at me and make things worse?
I called my father. He had been married to her, after all, he ought to be able to give me some advice, but all I got from him was a laconic, ‘You really messed up this time, eh Mia?’
Paul was out, but I knew he wouldn’t be on my side, so I tried Betty, who already knew all about it and promised to talk to me tomorrow, when things had blown over.
Patrick had said it was a bad idea, if only I had listened to my heart instead of to Nina, I would have been in bed thinking about him and his kisses. It was almost midnight by now, but I called him anyway. If he really wanted to be there for me, I had never needed help and advice more than I did right now, and I could really use some of his famous diplomacy skills, too.
‘I was afraid something like this might happen,’ he admitted, after letting me cry my fill, ‘I think Nina lives in a Pixar film, sometimes!’
‘It was a terrible idea, I know that now. But I swear, if I’d known it would make Mum like this, I’d rather have never danced again! I thought I’d found the solution, and...I was just so focused on the fact that I’d finally found a way to achieve my goal that I never stopped to think of the consequences. But I never, ever wanted to reduce my mother to that state. I’ve made her ill …’
And I started crying again.
‘Baby, come on, don’t be upset, there’s a cure for everything except death. We’ll find a way round this, I promise. It might take time and a lot of tact, but things will settle down. You should try and get some sleep, now. Tomorrow afternoon we’ll take care of those essays and then I’ll think about how to talk to Elena. She’s known me my entire life, she won’t refuse to talk to me as well.’
‘You don’t know her when she’s angry.’
‘She can’t be worse than my commander!’
‘You’ll see! Goodnight Pat. And thanks.’
‘Good night baby, try not to worry, I’m here for you.’
Again I felt myself surrounded by a blanket of affection, warm and safe, as though protected beneath a pair of powerful wings. When he was with me, I was no longer lost.
The next morning I went downstairs to find Mum had already left. I couldn’t bear the idea that she had accepted a job she didn’t like, just to pay for me to go to school.
She had always had a talent for painting and could have become really good if she’d continued to study, but she’d given it all up for me and my father, and we had both broken her heart.
I would have done anything to go back. That was something I found myself thinking all too often these days. When would I stop hurting the people I cared about?
Nina arrived in class late as usual and spent the rest of the day apologising to me. I tried to tell her it had been my decision, and to forget about it, but she kept fussing round me, begging me to forgive her, which made me feel on edge.
It was alright for her; she’d always had an easy life. I tried to banish that last thought from my mind, but for that day I preferred to avoid her and concentrate on the lesson.
My grandmother called me that same afternoon.
‘Now darling, I just knew those idiots would send the letter to your mother’s house! I expressly asked them not to, of course. Heads will roll, as they say! And are you happy? Is everything going well?’
‘Very happy Nonna, yes. Everything’s fine. Mum is happy for me.’
‘Poppycock! I’m sure she’s simply furious! But, what I couldn’t do for my daughter no one will prevent me from doing for my granddaughter. If you want something, my girl, you have to take it! That is the only lesson I learned from life and I am proud that my granddaughter takes after me.’
I didn’t know if I really took after her, but I certainly wouldn’t have suffered the psychological pressure that my mother had suffered, because she and I had always had a real mother-daughter relationship, while my grandmother was basically just a bottomless wallet for me, making me immune to any emotional blackmail she might try.
I didn’t want to go home after school, so I stopped by to see Patrick with the official excuse of doing coursework and the unofficial one of spending another afternoon in his arms.
It was Laetitia who came to open the door for me. ‘
Oh Mia, I’m so sorry, Nina told me.’
Could Nina keep nothing to herself? She was starting to annoy me.
‘Did she also tell you it was her idea?’ I asked, with a tight smile.
‘A bad idea all round I’m afraid. Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to talk to Elena?’
‘No, better not, if she thinks people are ganging up on her she will hate me even more’
‘Oh no, she doesn’t hate you! Come here Sulks!’ She hugged me tight, which I had really needed, but at the same time, a hug from somebody else’s mum made me feel even more alone and vulnerable. I missed Mum so much, and knowing that I couldn’t sit on the sofa with her, talking and watching TV with York sprawled across my legs was destroying me.
I went up to Patrick and got another hug, as if he hadn’t seen me for months.
‘How are you doing?’
I shrugged.
‘We’ll sort it out, I promise. I can’t bear to see you like this,’ he said.
We finished my last two papers in just over an hour and spent the rest of the time lying on the carpet wrapped in each others arms, listening out for Laetitia’s movements to avoid being caught in the act. Too soon it was time for me to go home and, for Pat, to try and smooth things over with my mother.
It would take incredible amounts of diplomacy, but if we didn’t resolve things soon, our lives would fall into an irreversible spiral of misery and misunderstandings that could drag on for a lifetime. I opened the door and Pat followed me into the house.
Mum and Paul were in the living room. The television, unusually, was switched off and they sat facing each other, each in their own chair. Paul greeted us, but Mum paid us no attention.
It was Patrick who made the first move. ‘Hi Elena, I brought Mia home and I just wanted to say goodbye. I’m leaving again on Saturday.’
The last sentence made my heart ache.
Mum got up and went over to say hello, ignoring me.
‘You’re looking very well Patrick. How’s your training going, is it hard?’
‘Not too bad. I’m enjoying it! And when it gets too hard, I just think about my family, and it spurs me on.’
‘It’s nice to know that there are still children who think of their parents,’ Mum said coldly.
‘Are you all right Elena?’ he asked
‘Not really, Patrick. In all, I’d say these have been the worst few days of my life.’
I was leaning against the wall and looking at the ground, occasionally glancing at Paul, who didn’t look back.
Patrick sat down next to Mum and looked at her with genuine concern. She looked like she hadn’t slept.
‘I heard what happened and I wanted you to know that it was Nina’s idea, not Mia’s, and she didn’t realise it would cause so much damage.’
‘Mia knew perfectly well what the situation was.’
‘I know, but if you think back to when you were a teenager, at their age they don’t really understand the consequences of what they do. They’re still immature, naive and self-centred and they just think about getting what they want. They never do it with the intention of hurting anyone, just with the idea of achieving whatever it is they have put in their heads.’
I stared at him in astonishment. What the hell was he playing at? He gave me a reassuring smile when she wasn’t looking and motioned for me to leave. I turned the corner and listened through the plasterboard wall.
‘If you think about it, Mia and her grandmother don’t even have a real relationship, but for Mia at that time she was the solution to her problems, and she wouldn’t have called her at all if Nina hadn’t given her the idea. Imagine how she must have felt on the night of the show, at school, with everyone complimenting her. It would be enough to turn anyone’s head. And Mia is obsessed with the Royal, it’s her reason for living.
‘Really Elena, the girls are mortified. Nina does nothing but cry and Mia says she never wants to dance again if she can’t make peace with you. I understand how you feel, but you’ve always been such a kind and understanding person - I know you were to me, when I was little - can’t you try and give her another chance? They messed up, it’s true, but it doesn’t have to change anything. You’re stronger than your mother. You can just call her and tell her to cancel the payment, or get Mia to do it herself.’
I was undecided whether to applaud or throttle him.
Paul stood up, asking if anyone wanted tea and found me with my ear glued to the wall.
‘Didn’t anyone tell you it’s rude to spy on people?’ he asked, shooing me into the kitchen. ‘And who’s the life coach with the six pack? I’ve been saying all this to her for the last two days, and I’ve just ended up getting an earful. She only listens to me if she wants cooking tips, as for the rest, forget it!’
‘I don’t know, Paul, what else could I do? She doesn’t speak to me, so I had to get someone else to do it. You’ve got to admit that whatever Patrick is doing seems to be working. He’s pressing all the right buttons.’
‘I wish he’d stop pressing my buttons. I feel like I should take out a gym membership and get hair transplants.’
And it did seem that it had worked. Even though he had made me sound like a fame-obsessed idiot who spent her time trying to get on X-Factor, he had managed to minimise the incident with tact and diplomacy, restoring the proper balance of things and making Mum feel in control again. I was impressed. Patrick really was a born mediator. I would thank him properly later.
He came back out after they’d finished their tea, greeting me with a quick peck on the cheek, to which I replied with a discreet pinch on that perfect bum.
Later, I went in to talk to my mother.
The Dewayne treatment seemed to have worked, and she looked a much calmer. I didn’t expect hugs and kisses, but at least a point from which to start again without having to find somewhere else to live.
‘Mum,’ I began, ‘I know I was wrong. I’m lost without you.’
Her look was stern, but more inclined to negotiation.
‘I hope you have understood the gravity of what you have done, Mia, and that it will serve you as a lesson throughout your life, because people who love each other do not betray each other. When you betray someone you make them doubt everything about your relationship. Hurting someone who loves you as a parent is like killing a part of yourself.’
She was talking to me again, which was already a success, but now I began to fear the long list of punishments that were sure to follow.
I sat in my chair and waited for the verdict.
‘I have thought very carefully and I’ve decided that your grandmother has every right to give you a gift if she wants and I will not oppose it, but if you are admitted to the Royal it will be up to you to manage whatever finances she gives you. You will have to take care of yourself in every way. And by that mean your every economic and material need. That was what you wanted, no? This means that you will have to justify all your expenses in detail, because if I remember correctly the Royal Ballet is in London and living there is expensive, and I guarantee you that Inland Revenue have got nothing on your grandmother where money is concerned.’ She laughed bitterly. ‘This way, I can take care of myself for a change, and who knows, with the money I save, maybe I can even go back to art school and stop having such a mediocre life. That was what you called it, wasn’t it?’
Yes, she was making me pay dearly for this. It sounded like I was being offered into the care of the wicked witch from Hänsel and Gretel.
‘Come on Mum, what is this, like joint custody? So, now every time I want to top up my phone, I have to ask my grandmother?’
‘What did you think would happen? She’d just open her purse and tell you to dive in? I’m certainly not going to deal with her for you. The choice is yours: take it or leave it. You deal with her on my terms or not at all.’
‘Mum, this is blackmail!’
‘No, this is a negotiation between adults. I’ll give you the night to think about it. Let
me know tomorrow.’
I went out of the room and called Patrick over.
‘What have you done?’ I asked desperately. ‘Was it your idea that I let myself be held hostage by my evil grandmother who will control me with an electronic collar?’
‘It won’t come to that, you’ll see. The idea is to get your mother and grandmother to reconcile their differences, which will be good for everyone. It is true that I used you as bait, but once they take the bait they will forget about you and hopefully start rebuilding their relationship.’
‘Can you occasionally not think in terms of battle strategy?’
‘But this way you will get everything you wanted: ballet school and your family back together.’
‘It just sounds like twice the hassle I had before to me!’
‘You’re letting yourself get distracted by minor details instead of looking at the bigger picture,’
‘My grandmother is not a minor detail!’
‘It won’t be forever; once you leave school you will be a professional dancer, and you won’t need to pay for tutors. It’s only two years, after all.’
‘Only?’ I said, discouraged.
‘I’ll be there to support you.’
‘Will you?’
‘Of course! I might not be able to be physically near to you as much as I’d like, but you can always count on me for anything. The next two years will be difficult for me too, I have lots of training to do, and they will send me on a mission, but in one way or another I’ll always be there for you, and we can help each other through.’
Hearing him talk like this seemed like a dream, or a film. It was all I had ever wanted from life and now I had it. Patrick had fallen in love with me and I had done nothing to make it happen. I had just been me and it had happened all by itself.
But we were both about to begin a long and difficult journey that would keep us apart for too long. I wondered what fate had in store for me? So far I had been given my dreams, but they had been complicated so much that I almost wanted to go back to when they were just fantasies.
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