‘And I fell and hurt myself when I was dancing.’
‘An injury?’ She leapt to her feet and raised her arms to the sky. ‘It’s official: I’m a witch!’
‘And I fell out with Nina and she won’t speak to me anymore.’
She sat down again ‘Ah. Well, I hadn’t foreseen that, but it’s all part of growing up. You’ll make friends, you’ll see. I had a fight with my best friend once, but after we made up again we were closer than ever.’
‘Really? Who was that? ‘
‘Your mother.’
‘Was it because of a man?’
‘In a way. She’d got it into her head that she was going to win your father back when he had already left her for Libby, and I didn’t like to see her humiliating herself, so I told her what I thought, and she stopped speaking to me. She said I was jealous and I just wanted her to be alone like I was.’
I stared at her.
‘Mum said that to you?’
‘And worse, but it’s water under the bridge, now’
‘And how long did it take you to make friends?’
‘Almost a year, but this is your mum we’re talking about!’
‘Well I’m glad you did! But this is different. Nina won’t speak to me because I didn’t tell her about me and Patrick. She won’t talk to him, either!’
‘It will pass, I’m sure it will pass, time fixes everything.’
‘Why are adults always so sure that things will work out in the end?’
‘Because we’ve all been there a thousand times before, that’s why!’
I left Betty’s house even more confused than before. Perhaps I should just wait for Nina to calm down, but I had never been the patient type, and I after seeing her transformation this morning, I was worried she was having some sort of breakdown.
I went to dance school as normal, to show that I was not someone who gave up easily.
Mary Sinclaire wanted me to have my ankle checked again by the physiotherapist, who repeated his diagnosis of the previous day: rest and painkillers.
Bryan and Corinne were preparing a duet to Don Quixote. They were beautiful together, elegant and in perfect harmony, radiating lightness and grace.
They would have made a perfect couple in real life.
I wished I could dance as part of a couple. It must be an indescribable feeling to take all those feelings and emotions that were felt in private and transform them into a living work of art on stage, the absolute triumph of love.
If only Pat could dance …
In the evening when I called him he seemed more relaxed, or perhaps he was pretending to make me feel better.
‘I’m counting the days, Mia! I’m dreading having to face Nina, but I know that seeing you again will make everything seem better. Can I drive you to the audition?’
‘That would be wonderful! I was going to go on the train otherwise.’
‘Ah no! All that way on your own with no one to give you moral support? I wouldn’t let that happen to you, my darling.’
I wrote the sentence in our diary. I had the idea in my head that writing them down would somehow make his words truer, as if it were a contract, and that this would prevent him from going back on them like my father, or Thomas, or Carl.
Over the next few days Nina turned up for school in a succession of increasingly risqué outfits. There were tight skirts, low-cut tops, and towering heels. And every day, come rain or shine, she would turn up at the last minute, and sit with her back to me for the rest of the class.
Carl hovered around her like a penitent moth, desperately hoping to find a way back into her good books, while she enjoyed herself flirting with everyone but him. In some ways it was exactly what he deserved, but it worried me how much she seemed to have changed.
Mrs Meyer called me aside again after class to tell me what I already suspected: my latest essay was the worst yet, and I was in serious danger of failing my coursework. I promised her again that I would turn things around, but this time she was adamant: She wanted to speak to Mum.
Just the thought of sent chills down my spine. If Mum found out that I was neglecting my schoolwork because of dance, she would call my grandmother and tell her that the whole thing was off. I had to stop that happening at all costs.
Only Paul could save me now.
‘You want me to pretend to be your father!?’ he exclaimed, horrified.
‘Why not? They’ve never seen my real dad, and it’s not like they’re going to ask to see your ID!’
‘But I don’t even look like him, and I’d probably get embarrassed and say something stupid anyway. Even with my daughters I used to get so embarrassed that they stopped telling me when there were parents’ evenings! ‘
‘No, come on, it’ll be fine! She will tell you that I’m behind in history, literature and maths and you just have to say that you know, and then just say that thing everyone always says about how growing up is difficult and it will all work out in the end.’
‘No Mia, I’m not doing it. Schools freak me out.’
‘Fine,’ I said, ‘Then I will have to tell Mum, just when things were starting to calm down and get back to normal. Then she’ll go mental and keep you up every night ranting about what a terrible daughter I am and you won’t be able to tell her anything because she doesn’t listen and I’ll have to get Patrick in again to sort everything out!’
Paul sat heavily in his chair.
‘I don’t know which of you is worse.’
‘Yes you do! The wrath of Elena Benelli! Come on, how can it hurt? I swear I will catch up on all the subjects where I’m behind, she will never know and no one will get hurt. Deal?’ I held out my hand to him and he took without conviction.
‘I’m going to get into trouble for this, I can tell.’
‘No you won’t! You’ll be in and out in half an hour. Just listen, sigh and shake your head from time to time, it’s easy. Much easier than your soufflé with salmon mousse, pine nuts and caramelized apples!’
‘When do I have to go?’
‘Tomorrow morning at half past nine, she’ll be waiting for you in her office.’
At nine-twenty I watched him walking through the school gate from the classroom window. He had put on a jacket and tie and he looked all embarrassed as if it were his wedding day.
Good old Paul!
When my lesson had finished, I went out to meet him, and found him at the entrance pretending to read the bulletin board announcements.
I waved to him and called out, ‘Hi Daddy!’ at the top of my voice, just in case anyone was watching.
The suit made him look even more clumsy, and I suddenly wanted to give him a big hug.
‘Thanks Paul. You didn’t need to get all dressed up! ‘
‘I wanted to make a good impression.’
‘How did it go?’
‘Alright, I think. I promised that I would come down on you like a ton of bricks and I said the thing about growing up and blah blah blah. But you have to promise me that you will commit yourself now I’ve done this for you, okay?’
‘Yes Dad, sorry Dad!’ I said in a louder voice, planting a big kiss on his cheek that embarrassed him even more. It was the first time I had shown any affection towards him, but I really did like Paul.
I walked with him to the exit and turned to go up the stairs, almost colliding with Carl.
‘That’s your father?’
‘Yes, why is it a crime?’
‘You told me he was bald and skinny.’
‘So? He joined the gym,’ I said, shrugging.
‘And bought a wig?’ he said, narrowing his eyes ‘I think that’s your Mum’s boyfriend and you’ve sent him to talk to Meyer instead!’
I stopped walking. ‘What are you on about Carl? Have you been at the beer again? Leave me alone, I’m late for class!’
‘I’ll leave you alone if you promise to help me get back with Nina.’
‘What? After what you did to her? Anyway, she isn’t talking to me a
ny more either, so I couldn’t even help you even if I wanted to.’
‘Okay.’ He shrugged ‘Then I’ll tell Mrs Meyer that wasn’t your father.’
‘It is my father!’
‘Then you don’t have anything to worry about, do you?’
‘If you’re trying to convince me you’re a better person than I think you are, you’re not doing a great job.’
‘Look, Mia,’ he said, softening a little, ‘I know I fucked up, but all that talk about soulmates and fate made me panic. I started worrying that maybe I was wrong, you know? Maybe I was rushing into things, and maybe I wasn’t really in love after all. And I freaked out! But now I miss her like crazy and she won’t even talk to me!
‘No shit Carl! She caught you having sex with another girl!’
‘It was nothing Mia! It meant nothing, I was drunk and it was Thomas who invited them round anyway. I just wanted to spend the evening playing on the Wii and drinking beer.’
‘And what am I supposed to do about it?’
‘Talk to her, I’m just asking you to talk to her.’
‘Carl, I don’t know how to tell you any other way: first of all, she’s not speaking to me, so I can’t talk to her, and secondly, you’re a lying cheating bastard, and I don’t want you anywhere near my friend.’
‘Well fine, maybe I’ll have to talk to Mrs Meyer then.’
‘Whatever, dickhead,’ I said through gritted teeth as I went back into the classroom.
That afternoon rehearsals went better. With a massage and a thin support band around my ankle I could get to the end of the audition piece with no apparent problems. It was all part of being a dancer: projecting joy and lightness even when you felt like you were walking on glass.
My goal was getting closer and closer.
I looked at myself in the mirror and imagined myself in costume as Esmeralda; the tight bodice and knee-length skirt held up by layers of rigid tulle that highlighted the leg movements.
I had worked hard, I had given not up and I could do more. If the highest authorities in the dance world didn’t find me up to it, at least I knew I’d given it everything I had.
21
It was just over a week until the audition and five days until Patrick’s arrival and those were the two things that mattered most in my life.
They were closely followed by Nina, who still refused to speak to me, apart from one time when she asked me for as tissue without thinking, and then refused it when I offered.
Laetitia actually called me once, without Nina’s knowledge, because she didn’t know what to do with her anymore. She had changed at home, too, treating her parents with disrespect and spending all day in her room, on the phone.
She also told me that she knew about me and Patrick and that, actually, she still had to get used to the idea, but she realised that seeing us grow up together didn’t really mean that we were brother and sister and that, in time, she was sure it would seem more normal.
That word bothered me a lot: normal, as if it was weird that we were together. I wondered if they just didn’t approve of me. Perhaps they wanted someone better for Patrick, like the accountant or solicitor Mum had wanted me to become. Certainly not some struggling artist. But what did they know? Who gave them the right to judge who was or wasn’t worthy of them?
I was beginning to see the Dewayne family in a new light. Until then I had idealised them as some sort of perfect family, particularly compared to mine, but behind the facade of diplomas, honours and awards, fragility and fear of failure were lurking just beneath the surface. They were just normal people, after all.
Laetitia asked me if I could talk to Nina or, at least keep an eye on her, but I couldn’t see that there was anything I could do, at least not as things stood at the moment. I already had my work cut out avoiding Carl, who persisted in asking me every morning if I had any news, although he must have been able to see that she was still ignoring me. I was sick and tired of being treated as a go-between. If they wanted to talk to her, they could do it themselves. I had done everything I could. I was neither her bodyguard nor her confidant and right now I had other things to think about.
The audition would be held at the Royal School of Ballet, Floral Street, Covent Garden at eleven o’clock in the morning. This time the letter had been sent directly to my grandmother, who, in the meantime, had already called them three times for confirmation. Of course she didn’t know that Patrick was taking me. I had told her I was going with my father, safe in the knowledge that she certainly wouldn’t call him to check!
Our first night together was approaching and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. We would make love and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Then we would have breakfast together and walk along the beach hand in hand, never leaving each other’s side until it was time for him to leave again.
The thought of having him all to myself for a few days and then watching him leave all over again made me sick, but I was resolved that I wouldn’t let it defeat me, and that I would keep those memories in my heart, to use in difficult moments like a warm blanket.
In the evening, as always, he called me to say good night.
‘Not long now. I can’t believe I’ll be seeing you again so soon.’
‘I now! It doesn’t seem real to me either. It seems like a year has passed, and I miss you so much!’
‘Me too! I think about you all the time, but soon we’ll be together for almost ten days. I know it’s not long, but I promise I’ll make it the best ten days of your life.’
‘Pat, you don’t need to come up with anything elaborate, you know. It will be enough just to know you’re there. I already feel like you’re with me more than a lot of boyfriends, who are physically there, but spend their time in the pub or whatever. Anyway, I might get bored if I saw you all the time,’ I laughed.
‘If I started talking to you about naval battles, you’d dump me within three days. But I’m going to do my best to make you miss me when I leave!’
‘Don’t! I’m almost worried it will all go so well that I’ll just fall apart when you have to go back to sea.’
‘Let’s not think about it. Just think that soon we will be spending a perfect weekend together.’
‘I love you, Pat.’
‘I love you too, baby.’
I had to find a way to tell Mum that I would be spending the weekend away from home without her knowing that I was with him. I still hadn’t told her that we were together yet, never mind that we were going to have sex! To her I was still a child and that topic would remain taboo for a good few more years. I couldn’t say I was with Nina, and there was no one else I trusted, so coming up with an alibi could prove tricky. There was no point asking Pat for advice. His solution was always to be honest, but it was easy for him, no one hassled boys about sex.
Perhaps I should confide in Betty. After all, she ought to understand, she had gone on holiday to Jamaica at seventeen and come back pregnant. She might agree to cover for me, or at least come up with a plan.
The solution, if it could be called that, came two days later, in the form of a letter.
Dear Mrs Benelli,
Following my conversation with your daughter’s father, of which I’m sure you are aware, I would like to take this opportunity to summarise the decisions we discussed last week in my office, in order to improve Mia’s poor performance.
As discussed, I have noted a marked decline in the quality of Mia’s work over the last few months, to the extent that she is in danger of failing the coursework element of her GCSEs if things do not change.
I therefore expect, as agreed with her father, a greater commitment to any remaining coursework. I have also granted an extension for the paper due last week that was submitted incomplete.
I remain at your disposal for any further clarification.
Mrs Abigail Meyer
Mum was so shocked that she couldn’t even be angry.
This was beyond anger. Now she knew she was dealing with a crimina
l, and she had to treat me accordingly. There were no tears or recriminations, no beautiful speeches about affection and trust. I had to be punished in a way I would never forget, and my punishment would start from the second she had finished reading the letter aloud to us both, her voice high with indignation.
After that it would be Paul’s turn.
‘You will not leave this house until you are predicted 9s across the board. You can forget ballet, and you can forget the audition, and as for you Paul, you will drop her off and bring her back from school every day because I don’t want you to have a minute’s peace. That’s all. For now.’
And she left.
It was a bolt from the blue.
I would have expected a scene, a slap, or even being grounded for a week, but not that, not that she would actually prevent me from auditioning.
She couldn’t do this to me. Not now that I was so close to the end.
I looked over at Paul who slapped himself on the forehead. ‘Why do I let myself get dragged into these things?’ he said ‘I knew it was a stupid idea, what was I thinking? Idiot, idiot, idiot,’ and he walked out of the kitchen, muttering to himself.
I couldn’t stop going to ballet, I couldn’t not go to the audition and I couldn’t not go away with Patrick. But I couldn’t see a way out. Mum had complete control over my life, and unless she agreed, not even my grandmother could help me.
I decided to keep a low profile and wait for it to pass, then try to reason with her, reminding her that my grandmother had already paid for the lessons, that I couldn’t just throw away all that time and effort, that there were months left until the end of school and after the audition, I would do nothing but study.
Surely she would let me go. If I thought about it clearly, it was obvious that she was just trying to scare me. She wouldn’t really try to ruin my life like that.
Would she?
The stress was beginning to make me jumpy. Pat was coming soon and I was going to have to tell him I was grounded indefinitely. No, I refused to accept it. I had to find a way to get to Skegness with him, I wanted him too much to give in now. I didn’t know how, yet, but somehow I would find a way, even if it meant running away from home.
9781789543087 If I Can't Have You Page 29