by Leanne Baugh
***
Simon drives us through downtown. Horns honk in the end-of-day traffic. Calgary is so vibrant and interesting compared to our sleepy community. Skyscrapers, hundreds of feet tall, tower over the streets, blocking the sun. Cool graffiti of a colorful dragon covers a large brick building. Buskers play guitars or saxophones on street corners.
“Turns out Olivia also took a summer program at the University of Denver in robotics engineering and programming with VEX,” Simon says.
“Hmm.” I watch a homeless woman wearing a thin, dirty sweater struggle to push her shopping cart through the slushy snow.
“And she learned ROBOTC software. So jealous.”
“Hmm.” I haven’t seen Simon quite this excited talking about a girl.
“Sorry I’m boring you, it’s just that…”
“You met someone who speaks your computer language. I get it.”
“Yeah, literally. There are guys—and girls—at school who are interested in engineering and robotics, but none of them know as much as Olivia. She’s light-years ahead of both Jackson and me. Did I tell you that last year NASA was interested in her team’s design for a robotic arm?”
“Yes, you did. About three times.” I can’t help but smile as we drive just out of town toward the foothills. The sun is sinking over the mountains in the distance.
“I wonder where she’ll go to university this fall. I mean, with her marks she could get in anywhere. Maybe she’ll get accepted to the University of Waterloo in computer science like me, or maybe engineering. That’s it. Probably software engineering. Or maybe robotics,” says Simon.
“If she’s American, wouldn’t she go to a university in the States?” I ask.
“Of course. You’re right. She’s brilliant, so she’ll probably get in to Harvard or MIT. Geez. I’ll be so envious if she does.”
“Simon, don’t leave me. Can’t you just stay in Calgary for university?” I say.
He shakes his head. “No can do, Abby.”
I feel so alone already.
***
After dinner, Dad sits in front of his laptop, a glass of Scotch close by. His forehead wrinkles in worry lines as he sorts through a pile of bills. I sit across from him at the kitchen table.
“Dad?”
“Yeah?” He types something into the computer.
“Have you checked the online dating site? Maybe someone has contacted you.”
Dad shakes his head. “All I can think about is finding more work, kiddo. And paying these bills.” He picks up a piece of paper. His mouth is an upside-down U.
“I could find a job to help out.”
“You just focus on getting through the school year. Leave the rest to me.” He takes a drink and flips over another bill. But I can see a big weight pulling down his shoulders.
“Dad, please just check the dating site.”
He looks up at me. Nods.
“Promise me.”
He tries his best to smile. “Okay, I promise.”
***
Ruby snores on my bed beside me as I watch a YouTube video titled “Beware: Man vs Grizzly.” A grizzly mauls a man lying on the ground while an onlooker just stands there filming it. It soon becomes clear that the man on the ground isn’t in danger; he’s a bear trainer. The bear sticks its muzzle in the man’s chest for a pat, just like Ruby does. The man rubs his head on the bear’s chest, and it’s clear the bear loves it. The grizzly wraps its huge open mouth around the man’s arm and then his head, but in a playful way. They wrestle some more, but the trainer is always in control. The man stands, and the bear rises on its rear legs. They move around in a circle, hands holding enormous paws. I recognize the music as Lyle Lovett’s song “Bears” that Dad used to listen to, but doesn’t anymore out of respect for me.
I watch this video about a hundred times. I feel scared at first. Not sure what to make of it. Wondering if it’s all fake, animatronics. But I soon realize this is a real grizzly bear and a real man. I close my eyes and imagine myself playing, wrestling with the grizzly bear at the zoo, sticking my hand in its fur. The mouth wrapped around my arm, but its dagger-like teeth not piercing my flesh. And when it gets too rough, I hold up my hand for him to stop. I am in control. I am the one in the lead.
I open a blank Word doc.
Dancing with the Bear
by Abby Hughes
JAVA JUNCTION
So then Devin pukes all over this expensive carpet from Turkey or India, and Miles and Brandon have to haul him outside so he doesn’t do any more damage,” Briar says as she pulls off her phys ed T-shirt. “Eddie’s parents will totally freak out. Puke leaves stains on everything. They’re so rich and all their stuff is worth a frickin’ fortune.”
We’re in the girls’ change room, all sweaty after playing soccer outside on the school field. I rub my bad leg, which aches like crazy.
“You didn’t miss a thing, Abby.” Grace sits on the bench, unties her soccer cleats, and pulls them off. “A stupid, boring party. Basically, it was the rugby team playing a game of ‘Who’s more macho?’” Grace air quotes this. “Keegan picked a fight with Miles. Called him a pussy all night for not drinking, even though he was driving. Kept pushing Miles around, literally. Keegan’s such an asshole.”
“He is not. He just had too much to drink, that’s all,” Briar says all pissy.
“Oh, I forgot. You’re going to grad with him.” Grace rolls her eyes at me and puts her cleats in her locker.
“Who else was there?” I ask, dying to know if Liam went.
Grace is on to me. “Liam had to work,” she smiles, “but Serena, Justin, Shayla, Gus, and Max were there. As I said, so flipping boring. I was home in bed watching Netflix by ten.”
“Well, I had a blast,” Briar says, pulling on her skinny jeans.
“That’s because you were making out with wannabe tough guy most of the night.”
“Jealous?” Briar says.
Grace puts her finger in her mouth and makes gagging noises. She then turns to me. “Wanna hang out?”
“Got something on this aft. Maybe tomorrow?” I say and take my clothes to a private change room.
I drive through the booming metropolis of Bragg Creek, Alberta. Population of about six hundred. Unlike in Calgary where there’s a café practically on every corner, out in the sticks we have to drive at least fifteen to twenty minutes for a decent Americano or latte. But it’s so worth it.
This will be only my second time back to Java Junction since I got out of the hospital. The first time was last fall when Liam wouldn’t answer my texts or phone calls, and I tried to track him down at work. I’m sure he locked himself in the bathroom to avoid me, but Penny, Liam’s mom, made me a latte on the house. I asked her for a to-go cup and have never gone back to Java Junction since.
Simon’s shiny Jeep is already parked in front. Why did I let him talk me into meeting him here? I could very well run into Liam. If I check in with myself, deep down maybe that’s why I agreed to come. It will never be exactly like it was between Liam and me, but maybe we can somehow rejig a friendship. The way he’s been avoiding me, I’m having serious doubts.
When I open the door, Penny looks up with a big smile on her face.
“Well look who’s here.” She comes from behind the counter and wraps me in a big hug. “So good to see you, Abby.”
“You, too, Penny.”
Her short, spiky hair matches the burnt-orange color painted inside the café. Historical black-and-white photographs of Kananaskis Country and the Elbow River Valley hang on the walls: an old log cabin with a swirl of smoke drifting out the chimney, a man smoking a pipe in front of a fieldstone fireplace, the snowy peaks of the Kananaskis Range, an ancient rusted-out tractor. The rustic wooden furniture makes you feel like you could be sitting right beside that homesteader smoking his pipe over a h
undred years ago.
“Liam told me you were back at school. How’s it been for you?” Penny asks.
“Meh. But I’m managing.”
“He’s not here yet, but he shouldn’t be too long.”
Shit, he is working today. I sense another collision of awkwardness coming up.
“I’m actually meeting Simon, but thanks. Could you make me one of your super-delicious double-shot mochas with whipped cream, butterscotch sauce, and chocolate sprinkles?”
“You got it. I should name that drink after you.” Penny winks at me and then goes behind the counter and starts grinding the coffee beans.
Simon and Olivia, the new girl, are talking animatedly. Coffee mugs are on the table in front of them. Three women, probably from the new subdivision just outside of town, sit on the comfy retro couch, holding babies while their other kids run around.
“Hey,” says Simon as I walk to the table. “Olivia, Abby. Abby, Olivia.”
“Hi,” I say. “Welcome to the foothills of Alberta.” I sit down across from them.
“Thanks,” Olivia says with a quizzical look on her face as she studies the scars on mine.
“Abby has been my neighbor and best friend like forever,” Simon says. He has a goofy smile on his face that I’ve never seen before. What’s going on here?
“So you’re one of those monster-home dwellers, too?” Olivia asks me as she throws her long, thick brown hair over her shoulder. I envy her curvy figure.
“Not me, I live in a run-down old farmhouse,” I say.
“I can’t believe how rich most everyone is at this school. Huge homes, designer clothes, top-of-the-line tech gadgets, almost everyone has their own car. So not what I’m used to coming from little old Greeley, Colorado.” She talks with a slightly twangy accent.
“It probably seems that way,” says Simon. “But a lot of students come from farming or ranching families. Not nearly as deep pockets as the oil executives and stockbrokers.”
“Simon asked me to marry him in grade two.” I blurt this out of nowhere, like a dog peeing to mark its territory. I’m such a loser.
“Oh really?” Olivia looks a little surprised that I hijacked the conversation but smiles at Simon. “How precocious of you.”
“Yeah, but then I revoked the proposal, quickly realizing it would never work out between us,” Simon says taking a gulp of coffee. Olivia giggles.
A girl about five years old comes up to our table and stares at me.
“Hi,” I say.
She keeps staring. “What happened to your head?” she finally asks.
“I was attacked by a grizzly bear.”
I look over at Olivia’s expression and can’t tell if she’s shocked or amused. Has Simon been so distracted by this budding new friendship that he forgot to tell her the story of my disfigured face?
“Was it a big bear?” the little girl asks.
“Yup, really big. Huge, in fact. Especially her paws and mouth,” I say. I hold up an opened hand like a big paw and try to open my mouth wide, but it doesn’t have the effect I was hoping for. The girl looks at me blankly.
“I have a teddy bear named Cornelius,” she says.
“Cornelius is a good name,” I say. She checks out my face a little while longer and then runs to tell her mom.
“Sorry for prying, but a grizzly bear?” Olivia asks.
“True story,” I say.
“I probably should have told her.” Simon squirms, looking seriously uncomfortable.
“Are you kidding me?” Olivia says, looking from Simon to me.
“Not kidding,” I say.
“Holy shit. I’m so sorry, Abby.” Olivia covers her mouth.
“No need to apologize,” I say.
“Wow,” Olivia says. “I mean…wow. Like, are you doing okay?”
“I’m still alive to tell the tale, aren’t I?”
“Any grizzly attacks I heard about in Colorado never turned out well,” Olivia says.
Just then, Liam walks through the door. My heart gets all fluttery, and I have to take deep breaths to calm myself down. He greets Penny, who hands him my mocha and gestures to our table. His face falls into a gnarly pissed-off look, as if my being here has ruined his entire day. He brings my coffee and puts it on the table in front of me without acknowledging my presence. Bad customer service at the very least.
“Hey Liam,” Simon says, “have you met Olivia?”
“I think you’re in my chem class,” Liam says.
“Yeah. Wasn’t that exam today a joke? Nothing we learned about in class or in our textbooks,” Olivia says and then takes a sip of her coffee.
“I know, right?” Liam says, glancing at me from the corner of his eye. “Well, better get to work. See you in class.” He nods at Olivia.
“Yeah, see you, Liam,” she says.
“Simon.” He and Simon do the homie handshake.
“Bye,” I say.
But he totally ignores me. Nice.
Liam stays hidden in the kitchen in the back of the café the whole time we’re there. After about a half hour, I feel like a third wheel; Olivia and Simon clearly just want to talk. It all sounds geek to me.
“Are we still watching that Brazilian movie tonight?” I say to Simon as I stand to leave.
“Oh, sorry, I forgot. Olivia is going to come over and help me with my robotics project.”
“Still needing help with that, eh?”
“Yeah, there’s some programming I’m not familiar with.”
“No worries, another time. Great meeting you, Olivia.”
“You too, Abby,” Olivia says. “See you around school.”
As I walk to the door, Penny gives me another hug. “I think Liam misses you.”
“Well if he does, he’s sure got a strange way of showing it.” I give her one of my crooked smiles. I turn and watch Simon so obviously smitten. I suddenly feel jealous, pissed off, and even more alone. I push open the door and leave.
***
After dinner, Dad goes up to bed early. I munch on popcorn as I watch another DVD of family movies. In the video, Jeannie and I act out a comedy improv/interpretive dance kind of thing. Jeannie’s about ten, which makes me about eight. We have on our mom’s long, flowing summer dresses that trail on the ground, and both of us wear a thick swish of sparkling-blue eye shadow and bright-red lipstick. Our performance is terrible, but the camera focuses on my mom, smiling, clapping, and laughing like we are the funniest, most talented people on the planet.
The next video shows a steep mountain trail with Mom hiking in the lead, then me, then Jeannie. Dad is pulling up the rear, videotaping. Other than a bit of wind, all you can hear is Jeannie complaining. “I’m so tired.” “I didn’t want to go hiking.” “Why do you always make me come?” “I think I’ve got a blister on my toe.” This makes me laugh out loud and almost choke on my popcorn. Typical Jeannie—never has taken to the great outdoors. Then I hear Mom say, “Derek, I told you this trail wasn’t clearly marked. We should have gone on the other one.” The camera then shows a panorama of snowy mountain peaks. Dad turns the camera on himself; he has an enormous goofy smile. I so miss that smile. In another video, I’m sitting at the kitchen table behind a birthday cake with ten candles. I look so dorky, like my teeth are way too big for my face. Mom, with her bald chemo head, sits right beside me at the table. After I blow out the candles, she wraps me in the biggest hug. I can now see the pain through her smile. She died two weeks later. I really needed her this past year. I really need her now.
I flop on my bed and wake up my laptop. I open my monologue doc and stare at the title page with only white screen underneath. What do I want to say? What is the story I want to tell? I look at the bear figurine on my bedside table for inspiration. I begin to outline a possible structure for the monologue, salvage a few paragraphs
from my original draft that might fit. Piece those paragraphs together with a few phrases, then a few more. And then I can’t stop writing. After almost two hours, I read it over, make some changes, and then email it to Owen. In my inbox is an email from Facing It. There’s another meeting tomorrow night for teenagers. Topic: The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance. Hmm…
THE STORY IN MY BRAIN
Bio exam, last class of the day. I identify parts of the male reproductive system on a diagram: testicles, penis, scrotum, prostate, ejaculatory ducts, seminal vesicles. And for the female: ovaries, fallopian tubes, cervix, myometrium, uterus, vagina, labia majora, labia minora, Bartholin’s glands, clitoris. I finish the exam but double-check my answers. Turns out I know my sex anatomy pretty well.
I look over at Liam, who is in deep concentration reading over his answers. Serena is right beside him, of course, doing the same. I remember the first time Liam and I had sex. Both of us were virgins (I never went very far with Mason), but we knew the mechanics of how it’s all done. He touched my breasts and played with my nipples, which made me squirm and gave me goose bumps all over. Then we kissed on the lips. Touching tongues. It was so gentle at first, then so passionate and intimate. Liam then kissed my breasts, circled my nipples with his tongue. We began to touch and massage each other—clitoris, scrotum, vagina, penis. Liam got on top of me and slid his penis—
“Abby?” Mr. Jessop says, standing right at my desk. The whole class is looking at me, including Liam and Serena.
“What?” I’m now flushed—and incredibly horny. I try to pull my brain back.
Jessop holds out his hand. “Your exam. Time’s up.” I hand him my exam just as the bell rings.
Liam looks over at me. I wonder if he was remembering the same thing I was. By the look on his face, I truly doubt it.
***
Mr. Owen stops me in the hall outside the biology classroom. “Abby, I need a favor.”
“Shoot.”
“I’m trying to recruit some grade eight students from Strathcona Junior High to the drama program next year. I’m hoping you and Carter will run some improv activities with the group. It’ll be an after-school thing.”