by Gina Azzi
Except now, after earlier, it feels even more serious. Tension stretches between us like rubber bands, about to snap.
“We’re doing this,” Everly breathes out, her eyes drinking in the calendar like it’s more than just a bunch of dates.
“We’re doing this,” I repeat, scanning the months. “If you want to.”
“I do. Honestly, Aaron, I want this. I just, it’s going to take me time to be forthcoming about certain things. Please, be patient with me.”
Nodding, I yank on the back of my neck. “I’m trying, babe. I really am. Okay, what are your tour dates?”
Everly opens a document on her phone and begins rattling off cities and dates.
After nearly an hour, we’ve agreed Olivia and I will fly out to see her Orlando performance, followed by a day at Disney World. I’ve also decided to catch her New York concerts at the end of January since it’s an easy flight, and we always have Anderson business in Manhattan.
Additionally, Everly is going to visit me in Edinburgh during a break in her schedule in early March. Once things wrap for her in April, we’re committed to finding a solution that works for both of our lives, both of our careers.
To be honest, it looks like she’ll be spending more time in Scotland due to Olivia’s school schedule, but once summer rolls around, Liv and I will be able to visit her in Tennessee. All in all, the planning went much smoother than expected. But I think that’s because we were both desperate to avoid the elephant in the room. Well, Everly is avoiding it and I’m avoiding making her feel uncomfortable.
It’s ironic really, that the conversation I’ve been nervous to have with her, the one that outlines our future, was so much easier than the conversation I’m now desperate for her to initiate.
When Everly gives me her body later that night, things between us feel different. There’s a solemnity between us, a trust that is deeper than the physical. Like we’ve learned parts of each other’s hearts as well as we memorized each other’s bodies. We build a rhythm constructed from love. From the past, the present, and the future. From everything we have to give.
Tears shimmer in Everly’s eyes as she presses her trust into my body, slowly but deliberately. In turn, I give her my patience, my understanding, my goddamn everything.
And it’s so fucking beautiful and raw and real, I cling to it until dawn.
16
Everly
Now that my time in Edinburgh is coming to a close, my impending farewell eats at me. My life here seems to have evolved overnight, but I know it was a slow progression of things. My relationship with Aaron, slowly confiding in him and letting him see pieces of me that I hide from everyone else is a game changer. Because even though he doesn’t know all my truths, he suspects enough to know that the perception of my dreamy, incredible life isn’t always the reality I lived.
Finding my confidence again, discovering my own strength, and writing all the words for an incredibly honest, soulful song reminded me how much I love my passion when I’m not performing on demand. I’ve finally found my footing here, in this city, in Aaron’s life, in my own future, and I don’t want to say good-bye.
To drag out the days and make the most of my moments, I’ve been spending nearly all of my free time at Aaron’s house, hanging with him and Olivia. I love being pulled into their nightly routines, their morning rituals, and everything in between. On the days when Aaron is running behind at work and Olivia doesn’t have extracurricular activities, I even pick her up from school. Sometimes, we stop for an ice cream or swing by Daisy and Finn’s apartment.
Today, that’s exactly where we are headed.
Mid-November is marked with a chill, the start of winter.
“You warm enough?” I ask Olivia, who nods, her chin tucked into her scarf.
By the time we make it to Daisy and Finn’s, the cold has turned both of our noses red.
“It’s too cold for this time of year,” Daisy groans, pulling open the door to her apartment and taking in our winter gear. “I really do miss the Georgia sunshine.”
“I hear ya, but don’t you love cozy sweater weather?”
“Not as much as I did in January. Come on in.” She holds the door open, and Olivia rushes from my side into the apartment. “Hey Liv.”
“Hi Daisy!” Livvy calls over her shoulder, beelining to the basket of toys that Finn and Daisy keep for her.
“You’re coming Friday, right?” Daisy asks me, pulling my hat off of my head.
“Absolutely. And thanks for tonight. Livvy is super excited to sleep over.”
“It’s all me. Finn’s just in charge of building the forts and picking up the cake for breakfast.” Daisy grins, her honey-brown hair bouncing in a high ponytail. “Come have a coffee.”
Now that Daisy has moved past her stage of fan-girling, which flattered the hell out of me, we’ve settled into an easy friendship. Two southern girls involved with two Scottish brothers: we get each other.
“How was your trip to the U.S.?” I ask, sliding onto a barstool at the kitchen island. Daisy flew to New York for a long weekend, accompanying Finn on a business trip, but really she went to see her brother, her best friend, and their sweet baby girl, Luna.
On the floor next to us, Olivia unpacks her My Little Ponies and begins to play. Daisy pops a coffee pod into the Nespresso machine on her countertop.
“It was amazing! Luna is my first niece, and I am so smitten with her. She’s so sweet and cuddly and smells perfect.” Daisy sighs. “Honestly, saying goodbye this time was so much harder. Especially because my brother and Sierra are considering a move back to the South.”
“Really?”
She nods. “Milk and sugar?”
“Please.”
Once Daisy hands me my coffee and begins preparing her own, she continues, “Yes, the last few years my three brothers all moved in different directions, but now they all seem to be migrating back home. Jax and his fiancé, Evie, have been in Texas, but she’s wrapping up her studies in another year, and then I think they will go back to Georgia, too. My brother Carter never left, so…”
“It’s just you who will be away.”
She sighs. “I’m honestly fine with it. This is what I wanted. But it still makes me feel homesick sometimes.”
“I know what you mean.” I stir my coffee, my mind wandering to Addison and our boozy weekend brunches. Even though my friends in Nashville know nothing about my life with Corey, I still miss them. I think about the guys from the recording studio, the fantastic sisters, Ginger and Grace, who build out all of my branding, my stylists Kelly and Andre, who do my makeup and keep me on trend.
I left Nashville in such a hurry that I didn’t say goodbye to anyone. But now that I’ve had time to settle, to gain a slice of clarity, there are pieces of me that miss my home.
“When are you heading back?” Daisy asks, sipping her coffee.
“In a week,” I admit. “I’m supposed to start on my new tour in January, and I need to get back to rehearsals before then. There’s a lot of preparations to be made, and I’m going to have to really work at it and commit to be ready in time. And, I was invited to perform at the Grand Ole Opry.”
“Shut up!” Daisy grips my forearm. “That’s huge.”
“You’re leaving next week?” Olivia interrupts, her voice accusing.
Turning toward her, the silent tears staining her cheeks drive a spike through my chest.
“Oh Livvy.” I slide off my barstool, kneeling on the floor beside her, but she’s backing away, shaking her head.
“No, you can’t leave. You can’t just leave!”
“Olivia.” Daisy’s voice is calm. “Everly has to go back to work. Her job is in America.”
“Why can’t she find a job here?” Olivia looks at Daisy. “You did.”
“I know honey, but my type of job is different than Everly’s.”
Olivia swings her eyes back to me. “You made him happy again. You can’t just leave. Why don’t you want m
e?” She sobs harder and my heart cracks.
Little fissures expand the longer I take in her sobbing frame. Daisy scoops Olivia up into her arms and relocates them to the back bedroom.
Sitting in a state of shock, the pieces of my happiness begin to break off and crumble around me, like pieces of bark followed by branches from an apple tree. The fruit that once sustained me turns sour in the pit of my stomach. The little girl I once was, the one who was never enough for my own mother, sparks to life inside, as I fully understand Olivia’s fears, her feelings, her doubts. They slam into me hard, physically knocking me back, as I try to reconcile what I know to be true: that Aaron and I can figure this out, that I didn’t do anything wrong, that Olivia is entitled to her feelings, with what I know it means, that Aaron and I need to have another serious conversation.
“She’s sleeping,” Daisy whispers when she emerges from the bedroom. “Don’t worry too much about Olivia. Aaron will speak to her and help her understand. I think she was just caught off guard on top of being very tired.” She frowns. “I shouldn’t have brought up your tour in front of her.”
“It’s okay.” I try to smile, placing my coffee cup in the sink. “I should get going. Thanks for the coffee.”
“Hey, you okay?” Daisy asks, her eyes scanning my face.
I nod, plastering on the mask I’m so good at hiding behind. “Of course. I just… I want to speak with Aaron to make sure he handles things with Olivia delicately. Thank you again for keeping her tonight.”
“Sure, it’s no problem.”
“See you soon.” I pick my purse up from the countertop and leave Daisy and Finn’s apartment.
While my smile stays intact and I walk with measure, inside my blood turns to ice, as a winter frost begins to fill my veins. Slowly, reality seeps into the protective bubble I’ve been hiding in.
And I begin to numb myself to the pain that’s undoubtedly coming.
Me: Hey Aaron. I just dropped Olivia at Finn and Daisy’s. She heard me and Daisy talking about me leaving and is upset. I think you should head over there. Let’s raincheck tonight.
Aaron: What happened?
Me: I think you should talk to her.
Aaron: I will. But I’m asking you.
Me: She doesn’t want me to leave and asked why I can’t find a job here. She was crying. I feel awful, Aaron.
Aaron: Don’t. We will figure it out. I’ll talk to her… I should have prepared her for this.
Me: Call me tomorrow.
Aaron: I’ll see you later.
Watching reruns of The OC, I pour myself a tumbler with three fingers of whiskey and pull out the impressive stack of take-out menus I’ve accumulated in my time here. Thai or Italian? Big decisions happening in my life.
Except I do need to make some big decisions. Sure, Aaron and I hammered out a plan for the upcoming year, with a handful of dates that we will be in the same place, at the same time, together. When I marked my calendar with little pink hearts for our days together, I was excited for the future. There was no doubt in my mind we could make this work.
But today, ugh, today changed everything.
Olivia’s tears gutted me. Her sweet little face scrunched up, crying, begging me not to leave, felt like being punched in the throat. My bliss bubble popped, and I remembered exactly how it felt to be the little girl that no one wanted. Memories weigh on my conscience as I think about Olivia and the stability she needs.
Then, there’s the painful awareness that I can’t provide that. Sure, if I walked away from my career and relocated to Edinburgh, I’d be around for Aaron and Olivia. But I can’t give up on myself, on my dreams, anymore. I’ve compromised too much in the past four years and while my career soared, it’s now the only thing I have that truly belongs to me. I can’t jeopardize my future or my independence to take a chance on a family, regardless of how desperately I want to belong to them.
A knock on the door startles me, and since I haven’t placed a food order yet, I know it’s Aaron.
“Hi,” I greet him with hesitation, even though I want nothing more than for him to pull me into his arms and kiss me until I don’t feel so empty, so guilty.
“Hey.” He steps inside. “I brought food.” He places two brown paper bags on the floor inside the door.
“Thai or Italian?”
“Thai.”
I snort. “Good choice.”
He offers me a smile, slipping out of his coat and hanging it on the coat rack. Placing his hands on either side of my face, he kisses me. “You okay, Lee?”
I nod, but my eyes well with traitorous tears at his sweetness, his gentleness. I made his daughter cry tears of anguish, and he still wants to know how I’m doing?
“What’s going on?” he asks, taking my hand and pulling me to the couch in the living room.
I sit in the corner, tucking my knees up underneath me and hugging a pillow to my chest. “Aaron, I made Olivia cry.”
“Because she adores you and is going to miss you.”
“Because she needs a mother figure in her life and I-I don’t know if it can be me. I don’t live here. I’m leaving for the next six months at least. I—”
“You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself. Olivia is my daughter, and as much as I want you to be a part of both of our lives, it’s not your responsibility to alter your career or life to accommodate her needs. That’s my job. I should have talked to her more about you, your career, our future. I should have included her more in decisions I was making that affect her life, too.”
I sniffle, wiping the back of my hand across my nose. “I won’t be that woman, Aaron.”
“What woman are you referring to? Because I really love the woman I’m looking at.”
Gah, this guy! Why is he so damn perfect? “I love you, too. And I love your daughter.”
“I know you do.”
“But a really long time ago, I was her. I watched the men flit in and out of my mother’s life, and I clung to each of them like they could be my daddy, like if they loved me enough, they would stay. And it never happened. I don’t want to disappoint her; I don’t want to break her heart.”
Aaron shifts on the couch, leaning forward and removing the pillow in my lap. Taking my hand in his, he brushes his thumb over my feather tattoo. “Everly, I don’t know what’s going to happen with us. Sure, you may end up disappointing Olivia at some point. But you know what? So will I. Let’s just try to make those disappointments be things like buying the wrong ice cream flavor or forgetting to pack her ballet shoes for class.”
I laugh in earnest.
“We can do this. I know we can. Today rattled you, and you have no idea how grateful I am to be with a woman who cares about my daughter’s feelings as much as I do. But you don’t need to feel guilty. You aren’t that little girl anymore, and your mother and I are really different in the way that we parent, aren’t we?” He raises his eyebrows and I nod.
Mom, while I loved her, never put me first. Over the past few months with Aaron, I’ve always seen him make Olivia his top priority.
“Are you guys closer now that you’re older?” he asks.
“She passed six years ago.”
“Everly, I’m sorry.” Aaron’s voice dips and I shrug.
“Overdose. Caught me off-guard in the way sudden deaths do, but in reality I should have known it was coming.”
Aaron shakes his head. “I thought, maybe with you becoming famous and—"
“That she would have been proud enough to quit?”
Aaron shrugs.
“Enough depressing chat.” I stand from the couch, eyeing the takeout. “You sure Olivia is okay?”
“I’m positive.” He reaches into his pocket and draws out a folded-up piece of construction paper. “I’ve been instructed to deliver this to you.”
Grinning, I take the paper from his hands and open it. “She’s the best,” I say, viewing the drawing that Olivia made: a picture of Aaron, me, and her all smiling and eatin
g ice cream cones.
“I told her you’d come see her tomorrow.”
“Of course I will. Maybe we can go to the park if it doesn’t rain.”
“She’d love that.”
“Me too.”
“Come here.” Aaron reaches out, tugging my hand until I fall back onto the couch. “I didn’t even get to properly kiss you hello,” he explains, his fingers curling around the nape of my neck and bringing my lips to his.
I’m so preoccupied with Aaron’s kiss that I don’t notice the messages lighting up my phone until hours later. And when I do, I wish I was still wrapped up in Aaron.
17
Aaron
“Oh, Aaron Anderson, do I have a bone to pick with you,” Daisy announces, walking into my office the next morning.
“No coffee this time?”
“I’m not as desperate for information this time.”
I grin. “Then what are you here for?”
“To offer advice.”
“Unsolicited.”
“That’s the best kind.”
I gesture toward the chair across from my desk, and Daisy sits down, crossing her legs and studying me.
“Get on with it, Dais.”
“You need to make a grand gesture.”
“A what?” I lean forward, resting my elbows on my desk.
“You need to do something big for Everly. She’s leaving in a week; you’re not asking her to stay —”
“I can’t ask her to stay. I told her I would never ask her to jeopardize her career, and that’s exactly what I would be doing if I asked her that. We have a plan, we’re going to figure the future out together, and on terms that work for both of us.”
“Really? And does seeing her five times a year work for you?”
“What are you getting at, Dais?”
“What if you offer to go?”
“On tour?”
“To Tennessee.”
Snorting, I shake my head and point to the framed photo of Olivia on my desk. “Olivia is my —”