Something told me Max was the type to be late to literally any plans he made, and I wasn’t disappointed. We’d been sat at the table for twenty minutes, having almost finished our first round of drinks and about to order our second, when he finally showed up.
With a girl I didn’t know.
I stared at Lir in horror, running my hands over my hair as if that would somehow make it less flyaway. “You didn't tell me this was a double date!”
He shrugged. “Does it matter?”
“I…guess not.” It did matter, of course, but not in a way I imagined Lir thought was significant. But I’d have put more time and effort into my outfit. I’d have painted my nails, and curled my hair, and applied eyeliner instead of only mascara.
I sighed when I realised how stupid that was. Lir was right; it didn’t matter. I’d spent so much of my life putting on an unnecessary front for other people, and now I had to unlearn that behaviour. It was for my own good that Lir hadn’t told me this was a double date.
“Well aren’t the two of you a sight for sore eyes!” Max said when he reached the table, posture so relaxed that for some reason I wondered if we’d been early rather than Max being late. Nope, he was definitely late, I thought, sparing a moment to double-check the time on my phone.
Max indicated towards the girl he’d brought with him. She was very pretty, with long, golden-blonde hair, perfectly manicured nails and the most immaculate red lipstick I’d ever seen. “This is Ruby,” Max told us. “Ruby, this is Dylan and Grace. Dylan’s on the same course as me and Grace was one of our teachers in a couple labs, if you can imagine that.”
As we exchanged greetings it occurred to me how weird it was to hear Lir being referred to by another name after weeks with no mention of ‘Dylan’. At first I’d been pleased that he shared with me, and only me, his real name. It felt like a secret. Now I wondered why nobody else was close enough to Lir to know that he preferred his middle name.
But I supposed that was a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. It wasn’t as if I had loads of friends. Still, I had Louisa – even if I was currently avoiding her – and I had Josh – even if he’d been a dick to me in the past – and I had David – even if he still wasn’t really talking to me properly and I hadn’t seen him since Millport.
Okay, yeah. Pot, kettle, black.
“I didn’t have you pegged as a gentleman, Max,” I joked when he pulled out Ruby’s chair for her before sitting down himself.
He gave me the finger. “Even sheep shaggers have manners, you know. But what’s this about you finishing your thesis? Congrats! You Dr Ferguson now?”
A pleasant wave of embarrassment and delight washed over me at the compliment, especially because it meant Lir had been talking to Max about my accomplishments. It was the kind of comment I’d been longing for – something that confirmed that what I had achieved was significant. That I should be proud of it.
“I won’t be a doctor until I pass my viva,” I explained to Max, “and I’m bloody dreading that. But I appreciate the sentiment.”
“The viva won’t be a problem for you,” Lir said. “When you talk in front of people you always impress them. Like in the lab.”
It was a compliment and a very, very nice one at that. But I saw the second meaning of Lir’s words clear as day: that it wasn’t me who impressed people but, instead, the role I hid behind to avoid being myself. The person I was in front of everyone else was false, and he knew it. We both knew it. But I didn’t want to always live my life that way. I wanted at least part of the fake me to be real...some day.
I wondered if Lir wanted that for me, too, or instead wanted things to remain exactly the way they were. As it was now, only I knew his core and only he knew mine. It was romantic and addictive.
But was it limiting, like my friendship with Louisa had been? Or was it freeing, because Lir simply wanted me to be myself without any of the fronts I put up?
I honestly didn’t know.
Max very quickly took over the conversation after we’d ordered our food, regaling us with his big sister’s recent break-up from her boyfriend. She was desolate, he said, and furious that the guy left her because he’d always had feelings for someone else.
I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship when I liked someone else.
“What’s even worse for Lauren,” Max continued, after we had all finished our food and he was on his third pint of cider, “is that she works in the same place as this arsehole.”
“Do they work in an office or something?” I enquired politely. I was eyeing up the dessert menu, which I didn’t normally do when out for a meal with people. But I was enjoying myself; Max and Ruby made for easy company.
“Doctors,” he replied, taking a napkin from Ruby when he spilled some cider on the table. “Children’s ward, of all places. She wouldn’t stop going on and on about how kind this guy was, how she thought they might get married eventually. And here’s the kicker: the guy’s fucking ginger. Ginger!”
Ruby giggled. “You’d think your sister would have better taste.”
“What, like me?” Max replied, winking at his date. But then he caught my ashen expression out of the corner of his eye and frowned. “What’s wrong, not-quite-a-Doctor Ferguson?”
I was aware that I had everyone’s undivided attention, especially Lir’s. I didn’t have to look at him to know he was intently trying to work out what was wrong with me. “Um,” I began, tapping my fingers on the table even though I hated displaying my nervousness in such an obvious fashion, “this arsehole ginger doctor wouldn’t happen to be called Josh MacDonald, would he?”
“Holy fuck, yeah he is,” Max said, disbelief plain as day on his face. “You know him, Grace? Sorry if I was hating on your friend.”
“Nah, he deserves it.” Because he did, even though we were on sort-of good terms again. “He’s my best friend’s older brother. I’m sorry he put your sister through all that.”
Max immediately pulled out his phone without explaining what he was doing. Wordlessly he scrolled through his screen, eyes widening as he apparently read something of interest. “Fuck again,” he said, laughing softly. “You’re the lass he left her for, right?”
Oh, wonderful.
Lir narrowed his eyes at his friend, evidently suspicious. “What do you mean?”
“Lauren told me this Josh guy left her for his sister’s friend,” Max explained, holding up his phone to show Lir a message from his sister. “Who is clearly Grace, going by her face right now. Small world, huh?”
From the way Lir’s hands curled into fists beneath the table I imagined he didn’t like the small world notion one bit. I’d never seen him react like this before. Then again, he’d never found out until now that a man had left his girlfriend for me.
“C-can I just clarify that Josh didn’t leave your sister for me,” I stuttered, desperate to clear my name. “I didn’t even know he was going to break up with her until after it happened.”
Max laughed easily, which under normal circumstances would have put me more at ease. But Lir was clearly furious about the entire situation, though it was hardly one I could control. Perhaps he was angry that I never mentioned anything about Josh’s feelings for me after the two of them met in my flat.
“It’s obvious you’re head over heels for this weirdo,” Max said, pointing towards Lir in complete obliviousness of his friend’s stark change in mood. “But, weirdness aside, Dylan is clearly a far superior choice to that ginger doctor, so well done avoiding that train wreck.”
I appreciated Max’s comments, though I’d have appreciated them more if they’d relaxed Lir out of his tense, sharp state. I risked brushing my hand across his, out of sight of Max and Ruby, hoping he wouldn’t move away from my touch. Instead Lir did the opposite: he grabbed my hand so tightly I almost winced.
I would happily take that over being ignored any day.
Our double date finished a short while after, Ruby citing that she had to study for her p
olitics exam whilst Max begrudgingly commented that he should study, too. He and Lir had their final exam on the twenty-seventh – just two days from now – so even Max could admit that it was worth putting in the effort for the final hurdle.
Lir and I walked back to mine along the riverfront because the weather was once more glorious and sunny. I couldn’t remember an April as good as this one in years, which only solidified my desire to get the hell out of Glasgow.
“Where were you planning to go this weekend?” I asked, keen to strike up a conversation. Lir had barely spoken a word since we’d said goodbye to Max and Ruby.
“Loch Lomond,” he replied, stiff as the breeze currently blowing through his hair. Lir didn’t even look at me as he spoke, choosing instead to keep his eyes on the other side of the river.
If I never ask him the answer will be no, I thought, considering how to voice my next question. I’d avoided asking Lir if I could join him on his weekend trips before, but this one was straight after exams and would be a good opportunity to celebrate. Besides, Loch Lomond during springtime was beautiful.
“Oh, that sounds amazing,” I said, keeping my voice bright and airy and not at all anxious in the slightest. “The forecast is so good for the weekend. Do you mind if I come along?”
“Yes.”
His reply was so immediate that I stopped walking. “…why can’t I come?” I asked, when Lir was several feet in front of me.
He paused when he realised I’d stopped walking and turned around to face me. “I’m training,” he said, tone cold and final. “The last competition of the year is on Wednesday. I can’t afford to get distracted.” Then Lir closed his eyes and drooped his head, splaying his fingers across his forehead as he did so. “You know what? I’ll just stay at mine tonight. I need to study, anyway. I’ll see you when I get back on Sunday night.”
What?
“Wait – Lir!” I exclaimed, too slow to catch his arm before he crossed the road without even looking for oncoming traffic. “Is this about Josh?!”
But Lir didn’t reply. He simply walked away.
Chapter Nineteen
I was watching the news. It was just about all I ever did in my spare time these days. I couldn't stop; it was like watching a train wreck in progress. Only this time, the oncoming train was in my neck of the woods instead of somewhere far off and unimportant to me. I was beginning to see a worrying pattern to where the attacks were occurring across the west coast of Scotland.
There was a new attack near Loch Lomond.
I could no longer ignore the fact that, wherever Lir went, something seemed to happen close by. When a man in his twenties had been murdered on Islay I’d been so worried that Lir was the victim. But what if…
I shook my head. I couldn't bear the thought. Lir couldn’t be the attacker…could he?
I knew the coincidences were stacking up. The Volvo was missing, and the only person other than me who had access to it – especially considering the alarm never went off – was Lir. The first reported attacks were in Millport and then Largs, after which there was also Islay, Glasgow and now Loch Lomond. But the other attacks didn’t line up with every place that he said he was going to for the weekend, so it was entirely possible that everything was a coincidence.
“But what if he's lying about where he's going?”
I didn't want to think about it even as I spoke my fears aloud. For how could Lir – gentle, soft-spoken, sensitive Lir – be capable of something so monstrous as what had been happening all across Scotland? His behaviour right before he left for the weekend notwithstanding, he really was the calmest person I knew. And that behaviour I could chalk up to him being jealous rather than having a temper. I mean, after finding out about Josh leaving his girlfriend for me he was allowed to be pissed…right?
But something was turning my stomach nonetheless. There was something I needed to know – something I’d wanted to know for a while now – that I could no longer ignore.
I phoned Josh.
The call rang several times with no answer, and I was hit with the stupidity of my fear. Lir hadn’t stolen the damn Volvo. I was looking too much into this. People went travelling to seaside towns to surf and swim all the time, especially when the weather was as nice as it had largely been the past month. The perpetrator of the attack could be any one of thousands of people. I should just hang up and –
“Grace?”
My heart thumped painfully. “Um, hi Josh,” I said, dithering about what to say next. “How are you?”
“Dead on my feet at the hospital,” he sighed, “but when is that anything new?”
“Working a double?”
“The back end of one, yeah.” He coughed to clear his throat. “I don’t mean to sound rude but is there a particular reason you called? It’s just that I have the get back to –”
“The attacks,” I blurted out before I could stop myself. “Were any of the victims children?”
A pause. And then: “Grace, what are you talking about?”
“I just wanted to know if any of the attacks that have happened lately were on children. Glasgow has the closest large hospital to most of the places where the attacks have occurred; I figured everyone would eventually be flown over to get treated if their wounds were bad enough. And since you work in the children’s ward…”
“Grace,” Josh said, slowly and carefully, “why do you want to know this?”
I tried to work out how to voice my concerns without obviously sounding like I was hiding something. That I was lying. “It's just – the news hasn’t said who any of the victims are, apart from the man who was murdered on Islay. I guess it's just, um, morbid curiosity.”
There was another pause. I bit at my nails, realising that all of this was a foolish mistake. I was drawing suspicion to myself; suspicion I didn’t need. That Lir didn’t need.
Another pause. “No,” Josh said eventually. “No, none of the attacks were on children. Grace, this is a really disturbing thing to be interested about. Tell me honestly: why do you want to know?”
“I… I don't have an answer for you, Josh,” I said, because I most certainly didn’t have one I wanted to willingly give. “I guess I’m just worried about it. After Terry and all.”
Josh sighed heavily. Even over the phone I could tell how exhausted he was. “Yeah, I guess that’s a pretty valid reason to worry about it. You are being careful when you go out, aren’t you?”
“When I go out, yeah. What with my thesis and studying for my viva and all I’m not exactly leaving my flat that much right now, anyway.”
“Good,” Josh said, obviously relieved. “Yeah, that's good. And…look, Grace, I don't want to act like a middleman, but you must be aware of how upset Louisa is that you’re ignoring her, right? Can you please call her and make up or whatever? What even happened between you two?”
I was taken aback by the sudden change of subject, though of course Louisa had complained to her brother. I really had been ignoring her calls – deliberately this time. I didn’t want to have to listen to her insist that I spend less time with Lir and more time with the friends she’d made for me before she left for Australia. I didn’t want any criticisms from her.
So why did I still feel guilty?
“I promise I will,” I told Josh. I exhaled deeply, inclined to fall into bed and sleep even though it was barely three in the afternoon. “Look, I better go. Thanks for answering my questions. I hope the rest of your shift isn't –”
“Grace. Please tell me what's worrying you – for real. No lying this time.”
“Bye, Josh,” I cut in, then hung up.
No children were being attacked. That was something at least. But then I bit my lip to keep in a wave of tears, heading through to my bedroom to fulfil my urge to nap (or fretfully worry over everything with my eyes closed). For what did it matter that this person going about violently attacking and murdering people hadn't attacked a child? This person was reprehensible. This person was a monster.
>
But if it was Lir…
I couldn't believe I was considering it. Worse, I couldn’t believe I was finding myself trying to lessen the severity of his crimes if it was him.
Don't let it be him, don't let it be him, don't let it be him.
For if it was, I would either lose Lir forever or lose myself by protecting him.
Chapter Twenty
After spending much of my time lately wishing I could get out of Glasgow I decided it was time to do something about it. My lease was up in June so I chose not to renew it. Louisa wasn’t happy when I emailed her to let her know but ultimately understood why I had to do it; she knew we’d never be able to afford a rent increase and council tax when she came back, anyway.
I resolved to finally ask my parents to let me stay with them until I could get back on my feet. A month or two, tops. This gave me enough money to simply live a little for the rest of May.
Which meant I could finally leave the city for longer than an afternoon.
I had a car, after all, and if the only things I had to pay for were petrol and lodgings in cheap hotels or B&B’s then I wouldn’t run out of money for a while. It was the first of May now; if I spent a few days planning out the route I wanted to take and booked my accommodation in advance I could realistically spend three weeks travelling.
My heart soared at the thought of it, though my mood quickly plummeted when my attention invariably returned to Lir. Or, rather, the lack of him. He hadn’t called or messaged once since our fight that wasn’t really a fight, and after hearing of the attack in Loch Lomond there was a part of me that was scared to see him. I’d wanted him to come on this trip with me, since I knew his birthday was soon and his exams were over. I’d wanted it to be an extended celebration before I had to sit my viva. I’d wanted…
I’d wanted us to escape our lives, together.
My feet were dragging as I returned from the supermarket. It was ungodly hot and I had definitely not dressed for the weather before heading out. Sweat was running down my back between my shoulder blades, making my skin tingle and crawl unpleasantly. I knew the moment I got in I’d throw myself in the shower and blast myself with cold water.
The Boy from the Sea Page 13