It’s not until everyone leaves that I bring my eyes to her. She’s asleep. Her hair is matted by the thin bandage around her head. A small chuckle leaves my lips imagining her making some snarky comment about the bandage being made of steel to keep her wild hair in place.
Once the laugher subsides, the tears come. I fight to stay strong, but I can’t. Seeing her lay here, so broken, and being unable to help her kills me. I sit by her side and grab her hand, spreading kisses across her fragile skin. I inhale a breath for strength and start babbling.
“It was the year Kip and I graduated from college. Your parents threw us a huge graduation party. You showed up in this insanely obnoxious, sparkly dress. Chase kept fucking with you until you ended up changing into a skirt and tank top. For a slip of a second, I thought you looked stunning in it.”
I take a deep breath and continue. “You asked me if I ever noticed you. Your eighteenth birthday family dinner. Your mom made you your favorite cake, which was still The Little Mermaid with vanilla cake and strawberry filling. You had been so embarrassed, and I heard you argue with your mom that it made you look childish. Later that night, I busted you on your computer Googling when boobs developed because you had yet to blossom. The blush in your cheeks was so fucking adorable. I noticed you.”
My eyes drift up to her face. “Kip’s wedding, I told myself I didn’t notice you. But I did. I studied the curve of your neck and the shape of your heart-shaped lips. Fuck, I shocked my own damn self. To be honest, if I had put more thought into that night, I may have even figured out it was you while we were in the closet. The way you fit perfectly in my arms, against me, your lips…their shape was like a perfect puzzle piece against my own.”
I stop to wipe at my tears.
“I’ve had so much fucking loss. So many people in my life have let me down. But then came you. This perfect little spitfire girl who’s actually been there my whole life. And you, without a doubt, showed me how it felt to feel alive. You reached parts of me I never knew were shut off. And that was the problem,” I choke on my words. “I didn’t expect you. I didn’t know…”
I have to stop to catch my breath, my lungs still healing. “I never knew what this felt like. Us. True love. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out.” My head rests on her bedside, hiding my weakness as the tears fall. “Please give me another chance, because I haven’t even begun to show you how much I truly notice you. See you.” Another wracked sob breaks my chest in half. “For Christ’s sake, I knew it was you who took my hoodie. I caught you dancing with it one night in your room. I could have watched you all night, the smile on my face as you talked to it. After that, I knew I’d never ask for it back or ask who took it. Because I knew…I knew it was in good hands. So, you see? It’s taken me too fucking long to realize it, but I’ve always noticed you. And now, I don’t ever want to stop. Please…please come back to me and give me another—”
“Levi?”
My head whips up, seeking out her slate blue eyes. Her voice sounds pained. “Do you need something?” I pounce up from my chair. “Anything. Just tell me. I’ll go grab—”
Her hand squeezes mine, her eyes locking on me. “No, please don’t leave me.”
I nod, sitting back down. “Of course. I’ll never leave you again.” Her eyes search for something in mine, and it sets fire to the torch of nerves inside me. “What do you need? Whatever it is, I’ll get—”
“You. I just need you.” Her voice is filled with such emotion, it steals my breath. “Where have you been?” It’s then her voice cracks and her own tears begin to fall.
“Oh, Han, I’ve been here. I’ve been trying to get to you.” I’m brought back into the shadows of my guilt. I should have gotten to her sooner. If I would have listened…
Her lips quiver. “I know you don’t want this anymore, but I don’t want to be alone.” She clamps her eyes shut, fighting the tears that still manage to escape through her thick lashes. I squeeze harder, needing her to know, feel, see.
“Hannah Constance Matthews…”
Her eyes, still weak, manage to widen. “You know my middle name?”
This causes a much-needed smile to form. “Kip and I came home one night from a party and you and your mom were in the kitchen in a heated argument. You hated your middle name and insisted your mom submit a change of name to the county records. She wouldn’t, and you swore the day you became of age, you were going to change it. Hannah Constance Matthews, if I remember.”
“How…I was like eight. How do you—?”
“Because I notice everything about you. I just needed reminding.” I reach forward, not giving away the shooting pain in my back, and brush a wild strand of hair behind her ear. “I wish I could take back so many things. Starting when you were seven. But I’ll start with what I said at the office that day. I should have never…god, I feel like I have a lot of sentences that are going to start with I should have never…”
I feel like I’m fucking this up before I even get started. “I should have never let you believe I wanted out. I panicked. And I took the coward way out. It wasn’t about you. It was about your dad and his disappointment in me—”
“Levi—”
“No, let me finish, okay? I spent the first few years of my life without understanding or feeling what love meant. What it felt like. I met a boy who shared a pack of chips with me and my world changed. I was welcomed into a home full of warmth and happiness. It was clean and safe. From there, I spent the coming years building this life with a family I pretended was my own. Those years with your dad were the most important years of my life. He gave me something I didn’t even realize I needed: love. He loved me as his own.” Her tears cause me to break. I lift my hand to wipe at her cheek.
“That day, the disappointment in your father’s eyes broke me. I had virtually let down the only father figure I’ve known, whether I caused it or not. The way his contempt ate at me, it killed me. In return, I said things I didn’t mean.”
“I would have never made those errors.”
The fact that she still sees the need to defend her actions guts me. “I know. I would have made a mistake before you. And I did. I didn’t trust you.” She opens her mouth to argue, but I stop her. “I did so much wrong with you, Hannah. I shouldn’t have done what I did with you in that supply closet.” Her eyes dull at my comment. “Our firsts should have been something better than that. You deserve better than that.” Hannah begins to speak, but her coughing interrupts. I reach forward to grab her water, helping her with the straw. “Just rest, you don’t need to—”
“No, it’s my turn to talk.” And this is where she breaks my heart. I hold her hand, memorizing the feel of her soft skin underneath mine, preparing for this to be the last time she may allow me to touch her. “I do,” she starts, and the first crack slices through my heart. “And so do you. I stole a piece of you that night. I was selfish and uncaring to your feelings. The consequences. I didn’t think past a lifelong fantasy. But what I won’t do is apologize for it. You may not have realized it, but you gave me something that night in the closet. You allowed me to finally feel alive. To finally understand what it felt like to just let go and feel.” She pulls her hand back to swipe at a loose tear. “I may have grown up in a house filled with love, a loving family, loving brother, but the love I’ve felt since that night, it’s…it’s made me feel more alive than I could have ever imagined. I may have loved you from afar my whole life, but loving you up close has been like nothing I could have ever imagined.”
She reaches out to catch the tears trailing down my face, her thumb brushing against my cheek. “I can’t seem to understand…grasp what happened. My mind fights me at every turn. But what I do know is I fought. I remember fighting. I didn’t want our argument to be the last we had with each other. I remember wanting to fight for that.” Her chest constricts, and I worry this is too much for her. “I don’t remember why I stopped fighting. I couldn’t get free. I couldn’t stop him—”
“Yeah but look what he did to you. You’re hurt.” Her fingers graze against the bandage around my ear. “He was here. He tried to—” Her throat constricts, a sob breaking through her lips.
My heart shatters in two. After the hell she’s been through, her concern is for me. I let her hand go. Ignoring the restriction of my back, I climb onto the bed and cradle her into my side. “I would do everything again a million times over if it meant you were safe. If it meant you would forgive me. If it meant you were able to walk away from this still being that strong, ironclad future president I love more than my own life.”
Her body stiffens in my arms, and her head whips up, knocking my chin. We both groan, and she tries to scurry away from me. “I don’t think so,” I say, squeezing her closer.
“No, wait.” She pushes again, and I let her up. “What did you just say?” Her eyes are an ocean of hope, and I gaze into them, losing myself to the depths of possibilities. Fear of the unknown. I’m anxious and afraid at once, worried about choosing the wrong words to express this solid mass inside me that lives and grows and feeds off her every smile, laugh, grunt. My heart beats in a drum-like fashion to her song, the melody of chords paving the way to limitless possibilities.
I adjust our position so her back is against the shitty hospital bed while I hover over her as best I can without pulling out her IV. I inhale a deep breath for strength, praying she understands, feels what I feel. I open my mouth, but I worry the words won’t come out right. She won’t feel the gravity of my promise.
The backs of my knuckles skate against her cheek, the feel of her offering me strength. “If someone would have asked me ten years ago what the biggest rush in life was, hands down, I’d answer football. There was nothing that could have possibly compared to it. Nothing that set fire to my soul like the intensity and passion of the game. That rush I felt while crushing my cleats against the turf. The way I dominated that field like a hawk flying yard for yard until I crossed over that touchdown line? God, I can still taste it. But one day, that rush took a new course, and I found a whole new high: law. I wasn’t beating my body up like football. Getting high off each tackle. But power comes in many forms. The day I hung up my jersey and helmet for a suit and a voice, it was like no rush I’ve truly ever felt before. Helping people. Saving lives. That took its spot. Fighting in a courtroom for someone who can’t fight for themselves. That’s a fucking rush.”
I stop and extend my tongue, wetting my bottom lip. Understanding casts over her eyes, giving me the fuel I need to continue. “If someone would have asked me four months ago, the answers may have stayed the same, or I would have stumbled over them because I’d begun to question what truly drives me. Ask me three months ago, and I would have probably socked someone because my head and heart were at war and I couldn’t answer it. Fought myself to understand what that feeling inside me was. It was a rush all right, more powerful than a game or a court case, because I didn’t know how to win it. Ask me a month ago, three weeks, today? And I would tell you this force has dug its way so deep into my soul, it’s blinded me along the way. It was this unstoppable force that turned my life upside down. A rush so intense, I’m not sure I deserve it. But it’s inside me, and I want to fight to fucking keep it.”
Her tears cause pause. I stop to place my lips against hers. “I’m probably fucking this up.” Her head shakes back and forth, and I release a breath of relief. “Hannah, I’ve lived, but I’ve never truly loved until you. Everything in life has been so surface level. And then you. My wild, mouthy, sexy, intelligent—shit, I can go on—little anchor sucked me into the depths of your world, and I can’t get enough of it. I love you. Maybe I always have.”
Doubt pierces through me at the tears pouring down her cheeks. Her eyes may be closed, but the creases slice through my hope of—
“Levi Dent.” Her eyes reopen. The sun cascades against her angelic face, and I want to kiss away her sadness. Her own doubts and reservations. Her hand raises to cup my cheek, and I can’t help but lean into her warm touch. “From age seven to…what day is it?”
Confused, I scramble to answer. “Um…Friday. I think it’s a Friday.” Shit, I don’t even know. Time has blended too damn much being in this place.
“From the age of seven to today, Friday, it’s always been you. You’re my rush. My passion. I’ve been in love with you my whole life. But even after everything, doubt eats at me, scared you…this is just a dream.”
“It’s not. I swear it.”
“I know. I’ve pinched myself enough times to know.” God, she’s amazing, making jokes even while lying in a hospital bed. “My feelings have never changed. And they probably never will. You’ve been this entity in my world, and I think you’re always meant to be there. But I will always doubt that the way I tricked you altered something in our path. I can’t stop wondering if I hadn’t been deceitful, would we be here? Well…not here. But us?”
She doubts. Fuck.
“Levi, what happens in another year when someone asks what drives you? My biggest fear is it won’t be me.”
I don’t give her a chance to say another word. “Let me make things clearer for you. In a year, if someone asks me what my current rush is, I hope to tell them my wedding day.” Her subtle intake of breath fuels me. “Each year for ten after that, I hope to say our children, because I want to have a fuck ton of kids with you. And in fifty years, if I don’t keel over from giving you so much amazing sex, I’m going to respond with the peaceful life I’ve built with my loving wife, the mother of my children and my saving grace. Because one day, a long time ago, while she laid in a shitty bed, being romanced by the love of her life, she agreed to take a life journey with me, and then we got a good laugh because her man bawled like a baby for being so thankful—”
Any remaining words are cut short when she lifts her head and claims my lips, the saltiness of our tears blending together. I’m nowhere near done trying to convince her how much I love her, but I won’t ever say no to her lips. Her hands, still weak, find strength in the clutches of my hair as she presses her mouth harder against mine. God, I can spend a lifetime kissing this mouth.
“I love you, Levi.”
“Fuck, I love you so damn much.” Kiss after kiss, we can’t keep up with one another, our unbreakable connection a silent promise and vow of our love. She’s like an addiction, and I won’t ever be done getting my fix. A weak moan falls from her palpable lips and steals my breath. I swirl my tongue with hers, getting lost in this moment, memorizing it. Her love is my salvation, and I will spend eternity showing her how worthy I am of it.
Our kiss starts out innocent, but quickly sparks the inferno of desire always thriving inside me for her. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain the fireworks that explode in my chest with every touch. I ache to remove all things between us and sink inside her, bask in her warmth—
“Seriously? Aren’t you two like super injured? Does the little guy even work right now?” We pull apart, my eyes transfixed on her swollen lips. I feel drunk off her. A shy grin covers her face. We both shift our focus to Chase standing in the doorway with Kipley and Stacey next to him. Kip slaps Chase in the chest and pushes him aside to enter the room.
“Dude, injured or not, get the fuck off my sister. At least wait ’til you’re both cleared and I’m not around for round two of kicking your ass for violating my sister.”
“Kip,” Hannah complains, a sexy as fuck flush spreading across her cheeks.
“Seriously…fuckin’ chicks, man. First it was Kip, crying like a pussy when he asked Stace to marry him. Now you.”
This time, it’s Stacey’s turn to whack him in the chest. “My proposal was beautiful.”
“Well, pussies are beautif—ouch! Jesus!” He grabs for his chest. “Nurse!” he yells, sticking
his head out the door. “Where’s that hot nurse who was in here earlier? I need her to help lick my wounds, amongst other things—okay, shit, put your weapon down.” Stacey eyes him, until he throws his hands up in surrender and sits.
I laugh and roll off the bed, wincing as I straighten out. I stretch my neck to peek over my shoulder. Blood seeps from a few bandages. Shit. Unlike Hannah’s apparent hot nurse, mine was a behemoth man pretending to be a woman. Shivers run down my spine at the thought of her impending anger.
“Hey, you okay?” Hannah grabs my hand.
I bring it to my lips, pressing a kiss to her delicate skin. “Never better.”
“Minus the bleeding. Big Bertha’s gonna kick your ass for that. She specifically told you not to move.” Chase shakes his head. Hannah’s eyes grow wide, worry cascading across her beautiful blues. I could kick his ass for that.
I kiss her hand once more. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. Have you seen Big Berth—”
“Shut up, Chase,” both Kip and Stacey chime in.
I bend down to kiss Hannah’s lips when a deep voice resonates around the room. “There you are, young man.” I pause and look to the right, as does everyone else.
“Whoa.” The word is spoken in unison by all.
“Fucking told you all,” Chase says, crossing his legs.
“Look what you’ve done. Now we have to undress you and re-patch you.” She comes at me, and I won’t lie when I say I shudder a little bit. Stacey’s mouth hangs open while Kip laughs at me. Glad that fucker finds this funny. “You come with me this instant. Don’t make me tie you to the bed.”
Kip loses it, busting out laughing, while Stacey finally gives in and chokes out a giggle. Bertha comes at me, and I wave my white flag before she takes matters into her own hands and tries to carry me back. “Okay, okay. I’m going.” I turn to Hannah, gifting her my most charming smile. “We’re not done here.”
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