by McLean, Jay
“Your place or mine?” I try to joke, but the shakiness in my voice betrays the confidence I’m trying to exude. She doesn’t move. I square my shoulders and clear my throat. She still doesn’t respond. After a beat, I tell her, “It’s my form of an apology.”
“For what?” she asks, brow bunched in genuine confusion.
“For earlier… when you were locked out and I laughed at you.”
“I’m sorry. I was just super sensitive after the shitty day I’d had.” She opens the door fully and steps to the side. I don’t hesitate. Not for a second. “I like pizza,” she says, following behind me as I walk to her kitchen. Her apartment’s the same layout as mine, only opposite. The front door opens to the living room, kitchen to the right, two bedrooms on the left, and a bathroom and laundry room between them. “How much do I owe you?” she asks.
I wave her off. “Nothing, it’s a gift… for both of us, really.”
“A gift for you, too?”
I turn to her and swallow my nerves—Dr. Aroma’s advice replaying in my head. “Well, you kind of have to eat it with me.”
She smiles, a shy kind of smile that completely intrigues me. “I can do that.”
* * *
I think I’m doing a good job of hiding my nerves. It’s not just his presence that makes me nervous. It’s everything. “When did you move in?” he asks.
I finish chewing my pizza. “The day you found me fighting a war with your mailbox.”
He laughs. I made him laugh. “Are you from around here, Madison?”
I stand and pick up my plate and the now empty box of pizza off the coffee table and set them down on the kitchen counter. Then I try to focus on exactly what it is my answer should be. “Yes,” I tell him and hope it’s enough.
“Oh yeah? Whereabouts?”
I tense for a moment, my eyes shut tight, trying desperately not to panic. “Just around.” I turn to him, but he’s right there, inches in front of me. His eyes narrow as he searches mine. “Madison,” he says through an exhale.
My breath catches.
He smiles. “You wanna watch TV or something?”
“You don’t wanna go home?”
“Are you kicking me out?”
I shrug again. “Just don’t want to take up all of your time.”
“I can’t imagine a better way to spend my time.”
I drop my gaze to the floor, my cheeks warming with my blush.
“So?”
I stare at his feet. And then I inhale sharply and muster the courage to look up at him. “Your place or mine?”
He smiles.
Stupid dimples.
The lights are off. A show about renovating houses is on. We’re sitting on my couch, and his leg is touching my leg. I want to move away, but there’s no room. He clears his throat and leans forward, causing his leg to press harder against mine. “So,” I start and then stop myself when I realize how loud I was. I inhale a calming breath before continuing. “Do you work? I mean, I’m sure you work, but what do you do? For work?” It might be possible that I’ve somehow lost the ability to form complete, proper sentences.
“I’m between jobs,” he says, leaning back and throwing his arm behind me. “You?”
I can feel his eyes burning on me. “Kind of the same.”
“I thought maybe you’d be in college or something.”
“No,” I say, staring ahead. He’s been thinking about me?
“How old are you?”
I turn to him, eyebrows pinched. “How old are you?”
“Twenty-three.”
“Twenty-two.”
He nods, his eyes fixed on mine. “Nice.”
“Nice?”
His phone sounds, and he sighs, reaches into his pocket. Biting his lip, he reads the message before looking up at me. “It’s been real nice, Madison. We should do this again sometime.” He’s already on his feet before he finishes speaking.
I walk him to the door, and once he’s in the hallway, he turns and looks at me. I wait for him to say something. When nothing comes but an empty stare, I panic and shut the door in his face.
* * *
“What took you so long?” Jackson asks when he answers the phone.
“Sorry. I was preoccupied.”
“Ky,” he says impatiently.
“I was just talking to my neighbor.”
“A girl?”
“So what if it was?”
“You can’t be distracted.”
“Are you serious right now?”
“I can’t have this shit fuck up… not over some girl. You need to be focused. In control. All the time.” After a pause, he adds, “You know what this assignment means to me.”
“Maybe you’ve forgotten that Steven was my brother.” I rub my palm across my jaw and throw myself on the couch, trying to tone down my anger. “I get it, Jax. I know that this is important. It’s important to both of us. I know what this means, and that’s why I’d never do anything to jeopardize that. You have to trust me, just like I trust you. She’s just a girl. She doesn’t mean anything.”
“Good,” he says. “Is she hot?”
I laugh. “It’s ridiculous how hot she is.”
“Hotter than Ashlee?”
All air leaves my lungs. “She’s better.”
Ky: Age Sixteen
“I just don’t understand why he has to follow us everywhere,” Ashlee said.
I glanced over at Jackson sitting on the couch in the living room, on the Xbox with a couple of guys, while the party went on around him. “He’s not bothering anyone. He just wants to hang out. What’s the big deal?”
Her hands flattened against my chest as she kicked off the wall. She rose to her toes, her breath fanning my ear when she said, “I just want some alone time with you. We’ve been together six months, and he’s always around. What happens if I ask you to take me upstairs to fool around? Is he going to come knocking on every door looking for you?”
I pulled back so I could see her face. She was buzzed but not so out of it that she didn’t know what she was saying. I raised my eyebrows in question. She bit her lip and nodded. And that was all I needed. I grabbed her hand and led her to the back of the couch, where I leaned over and told Jackson exactly where I’d be and what I’d be doing. He nodded, his eyes never leaving the TV. Then I led her upstairs to an empty room. She slipped out of her dress and stood there in nothing but her underwear and heels. Goddamn, she was sexy. She was the hottest girl in the entire school. Somehow, luck was on my side and she chose me. “Lock the door,” she said.
I obliged.
She lay back on the bed, one of her hands going between her legs. “Come here.”
I obliged again.
After five minutes of making out and grinding and hands and fingers anywhere and everywhere, she finally said, “Make love to me, Ky.”
I, of course, obliged.
I spent every spare second over the next few months with Ashlee. We’d find ways to sneak around just to have sex. By then, Christine had turned her craft room into my room, so I had my own space. I’d sneak her in while everyone was asleep. Jackson knew, but he’d never rat me out.
The day I turned seventeen, the family took me out to dinner. It was low-key, the way I wanted it. I’d invited Steve, my brother, to join us, but he said he had to work and he’d pick me up after to do something, just the two of us.
Steve, nineteen at the time, had dropped out of school a while ago. He surfed from one couch to another until his friends finally kicked him out.
A few weeks after I’d moved in, Christine invited him over for dinner. To say it was awkward was an understatement. Christine fussed about the entire event, making sure Steven felt comfortable. I could tell he tried, but it was hard for him. He’d grown up the way I did, so he wasn’t used to the attention. At one point, he pulled out his wallet and emptied the content on the table. “It’s not much,” he said, “but it should cover Ky’s meals and board for a few weeks. I’ll
get more to you later.”
Christine told him to hush. Jeff told him it wasn’t necessary. I looked on in shock, not knowing what to do. It was more than just an offering from Steve’s end though, and I understood where he was coming from. Especially when I sat with him out on the porch after dinner while he had a smoke. His eyes were fixed on our old house. I say house because it was never a home. Not like it was with the Davises. “I’m sorry, Ky,” he said. “I should’ve been there.”
“You didn’t know,” I told him. “You couldn’t have changed it.”
He shook his head. “Not just that night. I mean all the nights before that.” He rubbed his eyes, and for the first time in my life, I saw my brother as more than just my brother. I saw him as a man. And as a kid. All at once. “I should’ve taken you with me when I left. I just wanted to get out of there so bad that I didn’t—” he broke off with a sigh. Steve—he was a good guy—at least to me. To the outside world, however, he was sketchy at best. He spent his time between flipping burgers at a ratty diner downtown and partying hard. By ‘partying hard’, I meant copious amounts of drugs and alcohol. And even though I was around it my entire life, he still managed to keep that part of himself hidden from me—and I was grateful for that.
I didn’t need to watch his decline on top of everything else. “I was so selfish, Ky. And I hate myself for letting this shit happen to you.” He looked up at me and then into the house behind us where we could hear Christine’s unrestricted laugh. “I’m just glad it worked out for you. It’s not too late to turn your life around. You don’t have to become a statistic, Ky. You can be anything you want now.”
After hours of waiting for Steve at home, and numerous unreturned phone calls, I pushed aside the disappointment and anger and called Ashlee. I needed a release. I knew she was always up for that. “Is Steve here?” Christine asked as I passed the living room. Jackson didn’t look up from the TV. I knew he was upset, though he’d never admit it. He wanted to go out for my birthday, even if Steve was involved. Jax saw Steve like the rest of the world did—a nomad with no ambition and no future. But Steve loved me and I loved him. We were blood brothers and nothing could take that away, even him standing me up on my birthday.
I shook my head and switched focus from Jackson to Christine. “No. I can’t get ahold of him,” I said. “I’m just going to Ashlee’s for a bit—if that’s okay?”
“Sure, sweetheart. Have fun.” Christine smiled, then rolled her eyes when Jackson scoffed.
“What? You want to hang out at Ashlee’s? You’re more than welcome,” I offered.
His eyes snapped to mine—his jaw hanging open.
I sighed. “Seriously. You can tag along.”
His face fell. “I’m good, Ky.” He turned back to the TV, but his eyes were cast downward. “Happy birthday,” he muttered.
Jeff cleared his throat. “We can do something, son,” he said, speaking to Jackson. His gaze flicked to me quickly, and even though it was a split second, I could see the disappointment. Hell, I could feel the disappointment in the entire room. Jeff added, “How ‘bout you show me that aura game on the Zbox?”
Jackson chuckled. Shit, he was such a kid. “Halo, Dad. And Xbox.”
Christine stood up. “I’ll make some cookies,” she stated, rubbing my arm as she passed me. She lowered her voice, her words meant only for me. “Have a good time, Ky. Be safe.”
I watched Christine make her way to the kitchen, and Jackson and Jeff move to the Xbox set up under the TV. Jax started to explain what everything was while Jeff listened intently.
At that moment, there was a part of me that didn’t want to leave—but it would just be out of pity for Jax and he’d know it. He’d hate it, too. So, I stepped out of the house with a smug smile, my body already anticipating the night ahead with Ashlee.
* * *
Ashlee’s parents were away for the weekend. She left the front door unlocked and was already naked in her bed waiting for me.
We fucked twice before she told me she was hungry.
I took her to the ratty diner downtown, hoping to find Steve busy and forced to work late so he’d at least have an excuse as to why he stood me up.
He was there, just not working.
“This place is disgusting, Ky,” Ashlee whined, her hand gripping my arm extra tight.
I ignored her and marched up to Steve, who was sitting in a booth with a bunch of other people, his arms around girls on either side of him.
Conversation stopped when I stepped up next to their table, and he was the first to look up, his eyes bloodshot, his lids heavy. Most likely from whatever the fuck he’d been taking. “Baby bro!” He smiled and threw his hand out for me.
I smacked it away.
Two dudes in the booth stood up.
Steve raised his hand to stop them from going any further.
“We need to get out of here,” Ashlee said.
I ignored her again.
“You know I waited for you for hours.”
“What are you talking about?”
I couldn’t contain my anger anymore. “You, you asshole! You were supposed to pick me up after the family birthday dinner.”
His face fell. Then he pushed one of the girls out of the booth and stood toe-to-toe with me. “You know they’re not actually your family, right?”
I shoved his chest. “And what? You are? Where the fuck have you been the last couple of years? You’ve come around, what? Four times? That’s not fucking enough, Steve!” I scoffed and looked down on him. “Don’t stand there and tell me they’re not my family. They’re here—where the fuck are you?”
“Fuck you, Kyler,” he growled, shoving me back.
“No, Steve. Fuck you!”
Ashlee squealed.
Steve’s friends got out of the booth.
I waved my finger in Steve’s face. “You getting fucking high is more important than your own brother? Nice. Real fucking nice! That’s exactly the shit I had to put up with with Mom and Dad. I thought you were different, but you’re just as pathetic and fucked up as they are!”
He got the first punch in.
I got the next three.
We were told to leave.
We did.
* * *
“You’re such a fucking Neanderthal, Ky,” Ashlee said once we were back in the car. I turned to her, but she was smirking. “It’s kind of hot.” We skipped the food and went back to her place, where we repeated the events from earlier that night. Halfway through the second round, my phone rang. It was Christine. I ignored it.
Two minutes later, it rang again. This time, it was Jax.
I looked at the time. It was past midnight—past curfew. I switched it to silent. I didn’t want to deal with it. I wanted to forget this shitty night. And Ashlee—she was helping me do that.
* * *
We fell asleep in each other’s arms and didn’t wake till morning. The panic I felt when I initially woke was nothing compared to how I felt when I looked at my phone. Over a hundred missed calls—all from Christine and Jax. The panic increased tenfold when I called Christine to apologize. Her voice was a shaky whisper. “You need to come home, Ky. Right now. It’s Jeff.”
* * *
When I got home, Christine was sitting on the couch, Jackson next to her, holding her hand.
She didn’t even look up when I called out to her. “He’s gone, Ky. Jeff… he’s gone.”
Jackson wrapped her in his arms.
He, too, refused to look at me.
* * *
While I was too busy thinking with my dick the night before, Jeff and Jax had set up the Xbox. They’d been playing for a while when one of the controllers died. Jeff went to the store, no more than five minutes away, to buy new batteries.
He got the batteries, but he never made it home.
He was T-boned at an intersection by a drunk driver who’d run a red light.
* * *
They barely spoke to me in the three days leading
up to the funeral. I saw them leaving once and asked where they were going. Jackson answered, said they were picking out the casket.
They didn’t ask me to join them.
I wasn’t even mad.
* * *
Ashlee, being the perfect girlfriend, sat next to me and held my hand the entire funeral. Christine sat on my other side, holding my other hand, and Jackson sat next to her with his arm around her.
* * *
Ashlee went home after the funeral to watch her little sister, and I felt like a stranger in the only place I’d ever felt was home.
Christine and Jackson cried. A lot.
I tried to force myself to cry, but I couldn’t.
I carried too much guilt to mourn.
It should’ve been me in that car.
If I’d stayed home and hung out with Jackson like I should’ve, it wouldn’t have happened—at least not to Jeff.
Jeff—he was the greatest man I’d ever known. What other kind of man willingly saves a kid—allows him into his home without question? He went out of his way to make sure I was part of his family. And what the hell did I do to repay him? Nothing.
Not a goddamn thing.
After an hour of being invisible, I left and drove to Ashlee’s house.
It was then I realized Ashlee wasn’t the perfect girlfriend—that was made evident by the moans she emitted while some guy fucked her in the same bed we were in the exact moment Jeff died.
She screamed when she saw me.
The guy jumped up, naked as the day he was born.
I didn’t know him.
And I didn’t care to.
But my fist did. It went through eight blows to his face of caring.
Ashlee cried and called after me.
I got in my car and drove back to the cemetery, where I kicked the fresh dirt lying on top of Jeff’s body.