by Rina Kent
She continues speaking, but I’m not listening anymore. My pulse skyrockets and everything I hear is what Crow told me before throwing himself from the cliff.
It’s my honour to die for you.
My ears close, and the room spins into a thousand white layers.
Sharp pain digs into my chest. I place my hands on it as I pant for breath. It’s a lot worse than when I received word of Maman’s death. Back then, I chose numbness as a refuge. Now, all the intense feelings are pouring into me, stealing my breath away.
And the one person who pushed me to fight that numbness is now gone.
Never to return.
A guttural sob tears from my throat and echoes all around me. I gasp. I can’t breathe.
I can’t freaking breathe.
“... Crow...”
One of them says his name, and it’s the only time I look at them. Ghost and Celeste haven’t only been here the entire time, but they’ve been speaking, too. Their faces become blurry lines like I’m staring at them through a rain-soaked window.
“Brilliant,” Celeste says. “She’s back. I said, don’t tell the police anything about Crow – or us, obviously. It would only put you in a bothersome questioning. Just say that you fell down the stairs and, well, a benevolent gentleman drove you to the hospital.”
“You’re still a target,” Ghost says. “But someone will watch over you until all danger is eliminated. You won’t even feel their presence. It was Crow’s will.”
Another sob rips from my chest. The word ‘will’ is so final. So real.
Crow is really gone, and any re-life I had hoped for is now null and void.
I’m back to being just me, and I have no idea what to do with myself.
The early evening turns to night. Still lying in the hospital bed, I stare through the window. Tears never dry from my eyes. I’m not sure they ever will.
Crow might have been in my life for mere weeks, but it was enough to engrave himself deep inside my heart.
I wanted to die, but since I had Crow and a taste of life, I was foolish enough to ask for more. Want more.
Now, everything is gone.
Ghost and Celeste left sometime during my breakdown, and I’m thankful for it. I was never the type who needed comfort.
Knowing that both of them are Crow’s colleagues, and therefore killers, I doubt they can provide comfort anyway.
So unlike Crow. He was rough around the edges, but he had a heart of gold. It’s not his fault that he was subjugated to the cruel life he lived.
Another tear slides across my cheek, and onto the pillow.
Céline is taking care of Charlotte. My friend told me I’ve been admitted for three days. Being hit on the head can cause that. There are still blood test results to come, but the MRI is normal.
“It’ll be fine,” Dr Bernard said. But he was only speaking about the physical pain.
The scars lodged deep within me will never heal.
Unless...
My mind drifts back to that numb phase where nothing mattered. No emotions. No worries. I simply didn’t care. If I can go back to that time, everything will be fine.
The pain is so strong, I don’t think I can live with it anymore. I’m not strong enough to go through another death in such a short time.
My fingers clutch the envelope Ghost left for me. Crow paid all my debts. Now, Papa’s house is free from the bank’s hands.
I should rejoice for finally getting Papa’s house back, but the fact that I’ll live there without Crow causes more tears to flow down my cheeks.
He even left me all of his money. I don’t need this. I only need him.
A knock sounds on the door.
I wipe my cheeks. I’m sure my eyes are red and puffy, but I don’t care.
Perhaps the numbness is coming back sooner than I thought.
Good to see you back, old friend.
Dr Bernard comes inside with Céline on his heel. She looks worried but also happy. Strange.
“Bonsoir, Eloise,” Dr Bernard says. “Are you feeling better?”
I nod mechanically, not even bothering to sit up.
The cloak of numbness is so close, I can sense it wrapping comfort around me.
“The blood test results are back.” Dr Bernard stares at the papers in his hand. “There’s nothing major, but...”
Have I somehow gotten cancer?
Good.
“Congratulations, Eloise. You’re pregnant.”
I bolt up in a sitting position so fast, dizziness assaults my aching head.
“Hey, take it easy.” Céline is by my side. She helps me sit and caresses my arm.
I gape at Dr Barnard, not able to believe my ears. “A-are you sure?”
My mind crowds with numbers. My ovulation period. The time we had sex. At least ten days ago.
“Yes. We found 30 mIU/ml HCG in your blood. It’s not even a grey area. It’s positive.” Dr Bernard hands me the results. “See for yourself.”
With trembling hands and a booming heartbeat, I stare at the chart. There it is. A peak in HCG. Human Chorionic Gonadotropin – aka the pregnancy hormone – is well above the grey 6 to 24 mIU/ml and straight into the positive above 25 mIU/ml.
Oh. Mon. Dieu.
I’m... pregnant.
The realisation brings tears to my eyes. Only now, they’re happy tears. I’m smiling and crying and being a complete mess, but I can’t help the glimmer of excitement running through me.
I’m pregnant.
In nine months, I’ll give life to someone and I’ll be a mother like Maman was for me.
I place a palm on my flat stomach, and even though it’s very unlikely at this early stage, I can feel life beneath my fingers.
More tears soak my cheeks, knowing that Crow will never see his child. However, I choose to cling to the positive side.
Even though Crow is gone, he still left me a precious gift to live for.
19
Crow
Three months later,
* * *
My head throbs and my muscles scream in pain.
Cold air prickles my skin as I stagger into the streets of London. The Rhodes medical team tried to patch me up after all that extensive torture, but I’m still a walking mess. I move my jaw, trying to make out whether or not it’s dislocated.
Those Rhodes bastards.
They were even bent on killing me. If Aaron didn’t come up with the idea of a collaboration to eliminate Hades, I would’ve been dead by now.
I run a hand across my face and wince when pain explodes in my injured arm. Whatever the Rhodes did, all that torture and pain, are nothing compared to my end goal. I would do it all over again. I’ll be beaten and tortured to the brink of my life if it means protecting the one life that matters the most to me.
I zip up my jacket and stop a taxi. The injuries are far worse on their own. Add cold, and it’s a fucking bitch.
With infinite care to not trigger my injured side, I slide inside the taxi and tell the driver the address of the hotel. As we move from the pretentious upper-class neighbourhood and into working class areas, the smell of Indian and exotic spices fill the streets. I miss my bike at times like these. But I wouldn’t be able to drive it even if I wanted to.
I lay my head on the fake leather and stare out the window at the overcast sky. So different from that bright blue sky in Marseille.
I should’ve died with Storm that day. When we fell from the cliff, I was ready to go to hell, but then Ghost showed up. He literally pulled me from the crashing waves while Celeste took care of Eloise.
Sometime later, I woke up to find out that I wasn’t dead. But it would be a lot better if Hades continued thinking that I had perished. For one, he’ll kill me for killing Storm. For two, if he finds out that I was protecting Eloise, he’ll send the rest of his assassins to kill us both.
So I decided to help Ghost as long as he keeps Eloise protected. I’ll only be able to go back to her after Hades is taken care
of. I heave a long sigh. That is, if she still wants me after all this time.
Or if I remain alive.
Taking care of business on behalf of Ghost means confronting the Rhodes, and while those bastards were our disciples, they’ve become tenacious as fuck. They gave me a run for my money in torture. However, I managed a deal with them. In exchange for all the information I know about Hades and the reason they’ve been kidnapped, they will send their personal guards to tighten the security around Eloise.
The Rhodes shouldn’t be in contradiction with Ghost. After all, we’re all working towards the same goal. Instead of being at each other’s fucking throats, it’s about time Team Zero and the Rhodes get together to demolish Hades’ hell.
And hopefully, it won’t take long for me to get back to Eloise. I run another hand over my face, blocking the clouds condensing in the horizon. Pain, a lot different and more intense than the physical one, grips my chest.
I know Ghost is protecting her – he sends me regular reports – but I can’t help the hollowness lodged deep inside me ever since I left her. Ever since I made her go through the pain of believing I was dead. I don’t regret it. It’s the only way to keep her safe. But that doesn’t mean it hurts any fucking less.
In such a short time, she became everything. Air. Sunshine. Life. She’s my reason to live now. And I would do anything, fucking everything, to keep that life breathing.
Even if that means disappearing for good.
The taxi stops in front of a shabby hotel in an unknown alley near the slums of London. I give the driver an extra tip and step out.
Once in my room, I throw my weight on the bed that creaks in protest. I close my eyes and pretend I’m in that old mansion with Eloise. Her body is wrapped around mine and her beautiful face is a few breaths from mine.
A bitter smile escapes me. I miss her so fucking much, just picturing her brings back that unbearable pain of losing her.
I have so much to tell her, especially about her parents, but I need to make sure of that information first.
Ghost doesn’t even send pictures. I know it’s risky, but I’d hoped he’d give me anything to hold onto beside the ‘she’s fine’ he tells me every day.
In some way, it’s better that he sends no pictures. This longing would be a lot worse if I could see her face and not be able to touch it, see her laughter and not hear it, see her smile and not kiss it.
I’ll have to wait until Hades is gone. Or I’m gone.
Until then, she will remain a constant, forbidden part of my dreams.
Three days later, I’m still tending to my injuries and allowing them to heal.
The hotel room smells like antiseptic and antibiotics. The Rhodes were generous enough to send me medicine.
After they almost killed me.
Fucking arseholes.
I refrain from using too much morphine despite the pain in my slashed arms. I would rather take the pain instead of being addicted to any fucking drug.
Omega is out of my system. Ghost and a few of Team Zero are working to completely detox, too.
I won’t have to watch them die anymore.
The worst part? Hades is a smart bastard. Ghost said he’s dispatching him and four others of Team Zero to run a mafia business. The owner is in jail, but he paid Hades a fuck load of money so he would keep his business afloat. Hades knows how much Ghost cares about Team Zero, so he held the five other members hostage in The Pit’s solitary cells until Ghost and the others bring back results.
I help Ghost from the shadows until we have an opening to take Hades down.
Steps sound in front of the door. I retrieve my gun, jump up from the bed, and point the weapon ahead. Who the fuck is coming after me in a nameless hotel?
The door opens. Aaron strolls inside with a bored look on his face.
He’s wearing a designer dark blue suit and has one hand in his pocket. The black mane of his hair is slicked back, making him appear every bit the aristocrat he is.
“Seriously?” He kicks the door closed and stands in the middle of the room, inspecting the old carpet and yellowish wallpaper. “Is this dirty hotel the only thing you can afford?”
I keep my gun by my side. “We’re not all filthy rich like your lordship.”
“Nonsense. You had enough killing contracts to retire rich.”
Eloise needs that money more than I do.
I sit down, still cradling my gun, but Aaron pays the weapon no attention. I ask, “Any reason for your visit?”
His deep black eyes fall on me. There’s no break of colour between the pupils and the irises. It’s freaky. “I want to ask about something you said the other day.”
“Is it ‘fuck you’?”
He glares. “It’s about your nurse.”
My hold tightens around my gun. “What about her?”
“You always told us to discard our feelings and yet, you’re giving up everything to protect this woman.” His voice lowers as he stares through the window, seeming lost somewhere.
Strange. He’s usually focused, like he’s always ready to kill. Now, he’s different.
“Emotions are a weakness,” he continues. “They cause miscalculations, impulses and… they make no sense.”
Is he confused?
That’s so fucking weird and, well, uncomfortable.
Aaron was one of the first ones who accepted The Pit. He excelled in martial arts and shooting. He killed without any remorse. It was like he waited to be kidnapped in The Pit to unleash the demons inside him.
That’s the type of fucked up arsehole he is, so to see him confused about feelings is news. Is it because of a woman?
That’s as impossible as seeing a fucking unicorn. He doesn’t do feelings. Ever.
No idea what he wants me to tell him, so I just say the truth. “Feelings aren’t always a weakness, they can also be a strength.”
His attention snaps my way, brows pinching together. “How?”
“They can give meaning to your life.”
“Is that what happened to you?”
I nod, smiling. “She didn’t only give meaning to my life. She also made me feel alive.”
Aaron appears thoughtful for a second. Then, as if caught thinking about something forbidden, he says, “Nonsense.”
It makes perfect fucking sense to me.
The sky darkens, promising rain.
How fucking typical.
I step towards an abandoned rooftop, across from a restaurant. Tristan and Dylan are supposed to come here for a meeting, and I’m still watching them.
I find Celeste on the edge of the rail, looking through binoculars.
She’s wearing a hoodie and sports shoes, ready to run any second.
“Hey, Cel.” I slide beside her on the rail.
“Hey, Crow-Crow.” She doesn’t look at me, her whole attention is on the fancy restaurant across the street.
“What are you doing here?” My fingers tap on her arm.” Aren’t you supposed to be in France protecting Eloise?”
“Don’t worry.” She’s still absorbed by the view in the restaurant. “Eloise is well and healthy and has no desire to die. The Rhodes’ guards are keeping an eye on her. Ghost, too.”
I was relieved when Ghost said that she didn’t have any suicidal tendencies.
Eloise deserves to live.
I hope she found a reason to. Something… or perhaps someone.
No. That’s a lie. Just picturing someone else by her side makes me want to break their fucking neck.
Even if she can live without me, I can’t live without her.
I squint and try to see what Celeste is watching with such interest. Even her lips are parting.
“Are you still watching Dylan like a creep?” I ask.
She removes the binoculars, jerkily, like she’s got caught stealing from a biscuit jar. “What are you talking about? I’m not watching Dylan. I’m watching Aaron. I have a contract on his head in case you’ve become an old man and develope
d Alzheimer’s.”
I tilt my head to the restaurant where Dylan is sitting with what seems like business associates, discussing with a sense of calmness. The arsehole wasn’t that fucking calm when he threatened to kill me. “I only see Dylan here.”
Celeste can deny it all she wants, but she cares about Dylan ever since they were children in The Pit. Only, well, she pushed him away about ten years ago. Now, she just watches from afar like a fucking stalker.
“That’s because Aaron will show up any second.” Celeste throws her hands in the air as if that makes complete sense. She faces me but not before throwing one last look at Dylan. “Do you want to know something so sodding fun? I was watching Aaron the other week, and guess what he did?”
“Killed in broad daylight because he couldn’t control his sick bloodlust?” Knowing Aaron and how screwed up he is, I wouldn’t be surprised. I would, however, be surprised if Tristan and Dylan didn’t cover his tracks. Image is everything in their snobbish world.
“No. This is much more bizarre.” Celeste leans close to whisper in my ear as if afraid the ghosts in this old abandoned place would hear. “He kidnapped someone. It wasn’t a target or an assassin, but a mere art student.”
That’s really strange. Aaron doesn’t like kidnapping in the first place. He would rather just kill. Is that why he barged into my hotel the other week? About this art student?
“She was wearing a red dress, though, so maybe he went blind and mistook that for blood.” Celeste laughs.
I snicker.
My phone vibrates. Ghost.
I answer so fast, the device almost clutters to the ground. “How is she?”
“Fine.”
My chest heaves. It’s only one word. One single word. But it’s the only word that keeps me breathing until the next day.
“You’re watching her personally, right?” I ask.
“If not me, then it’s Shadow or Mist.” Aka his most trusted people in Team Zero. They never screw up any mission. “Or Celeste when she’s not running around.”