A bear, probably attracted by the candy wrapper Honi forgot to clean away. The boy thanks all the gods that he didn’t drop it inside the tent. And sure enough, after a few hair-raising minutes, the bear shuffles off. Honi sits upright and listens to every noise around him until he drops off at dawn. By then he’s so exhausted that even the birds’ racket doesn’t wake him up.
Raging thirst rouses him finally. He crawls out of his tent and has the last bit of water for breakfast. It does little to calm his aching innards but he remembers what John told him.
“When your body is stressed and you’re so tired you can’t see straight, that’s when your mind is most receptive to the spirit world. Don’t worry about feeling hungry or thirsty. Take it as a sign that your quest is coming to an end. When you meet your spirit animal, it’ll be all worth it.”
Well, he’s certainly starved, dehydrated and sleep-deprived. Come on spirit animal, where the heck are you? He tries more meditation but the constant hunger and worse, his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth, is making it harder than the day before. The sun is high in the sky and even in the shade, he feels hot and delirious.
After a few hours sitting with his eyes closed, his mind becomes blissfully empty. He doesn’t notice at first how deep he’s sinking. But when an eagle screeches overhead, he can’t be bothered to open his eyes or lift his head. The second the noise passes, he’s floating deeper than before.
Is he dreaming? He’s not sure. A cool breeze touches his burning skin and he acknowledges the relief gratefully. He keeps losing track of time, strange images waft across his mindscape. Occasionally his eyelids float open and he dreamily smiles for no reason at all. His thoughts drift and slide, one moment he sees his father with concern written over his face, then he shifts and it’s John touching his forehead.
Night falls and still Honi sits motionless. He’s all alone up on that mountain so the kind hands laying him down and covering him up must be wishful thinking. Sometimes later a soft nose nudges his cheek and in his dream, he opens his eyes and sees a large furry head.
The black wolf licks his cheek and Honi giggles. Sapphire-blue eyes bore into his and there’s no malice in them. The young boy shivers and with great elegance, the beast lies down next to him. Honi snuggles close and with a huff, the wolf closes his eyes.
Honi wakes up alone. There is no wolf and the boy is freezing. Up here amongst the trees, it gets cold at night. Honi has no recollection of fetching his sleeping bag from the tent but somehow during the night, he must have done. Even with the padded fabric wrapped around him, the cold rising from the bare ground has chilled his body.
He gets up slowly like an old man and slaps his arms around his chest to generate some warmth. His stomach isn’t sore anymore but his lips and tongue stick together with dryness. He needs to find water or go home. When he picks up his empty bottle, it feels heavy and full.
Honi scrunches up his forehead and mutters to himself, “What the… I know it was empty!” He looks around suspiciously. He can’t see anybody but then he remembers his exhaustion last night and how it felt like somebody covered him up.
Honi sighs in exasperation. So that’s their deal. His parents and John don’t trust him to make it by himself so they followed him. He looks around again but can’t see anybody. He can’t find it in himself to be angry though when he takes a sip of cool fresh water. May as well, he thinks and drinks half the bottle. That’ll show ‘em. Shame they didn’t bring some more candy.
He still has a job to do, so he sits down again and attempts to slip back into an altered state. To be honest, he enjoyed it yesterday. He certainly wasn’t bored. Time had no meaning and his body felt untouchable. Breathe in, hold your breath, breathe out. Clear your mind, let distractions float away. Breathe in, hold your breath,… there was a wolf last night.
Honi knows he’s already deep in trance. And as he’s drifting on the rhythm of his breath, the wolf’s eyes, gentle, knowing, grow stronger in his memory. He felt safe with the wolf and now it hits him how strange that was. A wild animal wouldn’t lie down with him. But it felt real. His eyes fly wide open when the implication of the encounter hits him. His spirit animal. He saw it last night and didn’t even know it.
A wild laugh works its way out of his chest. This is so awesome, in his dream he had seen and more importantly, touched his spirit animal! Wide awake now, Honi jumps up and sets to pack up his camp. He needs to tell John and his family as quickly as possible. Of course the moment he's upright, his vision turns black around the edges and he needs to sit down again before he falls over. Whoa, head rush after not eating anything for a few days!
He tries again and holds on to a tree trunk until he sure that he’s stable. It only takes half an hour to pack up his tent, sleeping bag and any garbage. Honi feels amazing. John had told him that after a couple of days of fasting he could expect clear-headedness and extra energy. He whistles as he swings his bags over his shoulder and prepares to get back to civilization.
After walking for a while, Honi is getting hungry again. It’s not overwhelming yet, no pain in his stomach, but an emptiness, more of an abstract feeling. Thoughts of food pop up in his mind, a warm slice of pizza with melting cheese, the sticky sweetness of pop tarts or even just a big omelette with bacon. Honi swallows and licks his lips. The sooner he gets home, the sooner he can stuff himself.
He wasn’t allowed to carry a cell phone with him and the next payphone is a good three miles away. He sticks his hand in his pocket to make sure the quarters are still there. Now that the quest is over, excitement is wearing off. Water is bubbling nearby and he heads towards the little creek. All he has to do is follow the water downhill to meet the service road they came up on just a few days ago.
As his feet crunch through leaves, he looks up. The forest is beautiful, shades of green leaning up towards the sky. Honi stops and tilts his head all the way up. The sun has moved beyond its zenith and he stares into the deep blue without getting blinded. His eyes have become accustomed to the defuse twilight among the woods.
He closes his eyes and concentrates, smelling the rotten vegetation and the sharpness of sap. Here under the giant trees, many of them older than his tribe, he feels part of something larger, more ancient. Dampness settles on the skin and makes him feel sticky. He shivers and rubs his arms before continuing his walk. He hasn’t seen any animals, not even a bird, yet he is surrounded by a cacophony of noise, chirping, warning cries and the frantic toctoctoc of woodpeckers.
When the gunshot of a breaking branch stills the forest for a moment, his head whips to the side. He squints hard into the gloom but there is nothing, nothing that moves, nothing that seems like a threat. Yet his carefree mood has disappeared. Honi suddenly knows that he isn’t alone anymore. He feels watched, eyes boring into his back.
He continues on, picking up his steps to move faster through the dark woods. Another branch cracks to his right, just slightly behind him. He breathes a little faster and the faster his breath whistles in and out, the more his throat feels like it’s tightening up.
Pretty soon he jogs, but the faster he moves, the more scared he becomes. Then he sees a shape out of the corners of his eyes. A large animal, larger than a dog, keeps pace with him. Honi tries to see what it is but branches and ferns keep him from getting a better look.
He can hear it though, breaking through the undergrowth, and it sounds large. Now Honi is really scared. He can’t run any faster and he’s still all alone in the forest. He’s out of breath and his muscles burn. He stops, waiting for his unknown pursuer to make its move. The creature stops as well.
Honi searches frantically, trying to find a tree that will allow him to climb to safety or somewhere he can shelter. There is nothing. He’s surrounded by large firs with thin broken branches all the way to the top. None of them support his weight. He can’t see the creature hidden among the undergrowth but he knows it’s still here. He moves forward, this time looking for a weapon, a piece of wood large e
nough to ward off whatever is following him.
His hands tremble as he scans the ground for a branch, anything. There aren’t that many large animals in the forest. It is too small for a bear, too large for a dog, and there aren’t any wolves in the area this time of year. Honi picks up a piece of wood and holds it with both hands. He bends his knees like a baseball pitcher and slowly turns in a circle. If he can only get in one good hit and maybe scare the thing off… His hands are so shaky he has trouble gripping tightly. He can’t see it but he knows it’s there. Why won’t it show itself!
It’s totally quiet, far too quiet. Even the birds have stopped squawking. He backs away carefully from where he last saw the shape. Just as he convinces himself that there’s nothing there and straightens up, he hears a rustle from behind him. Honi whips around and two bright eyes glare at him. With an unmanly yelp, he drops the piece of wood and takes off again in a blind panic.
Branches lash his face, cobwebs stick to his forehead and his heartbeat drums in his ears. Every step he takes, every breath searing hot through his lungs, increases his fear. He keeps looking behind him and although he can’t see anything, he knows there’s something chasing him. A gossamer touch on his face irritates him and still running, he sweeps his fingers over his skin. He’s surprised to find he’s crying. He’s turned from a young warrior at the end of his vision quest into a scared boy, running through a dark forest, chased by god knows what.
He’s wheezing, his chest heaving and burning, yet still he runs. His legs feel like lead, his muscles begin to seize up, his back hurts and he feels dizzy. In complete resignation he slows down, fully expecting something to jump on his back and push him down. When he finally stops and turns around, there is nothing there.
Hands on his thighs, bent over and gasping for breath, he feels like a complete and utter fool. Another couple of deep breaths and he’s calm enough to assess the situation. He’s out of the forest and he stands on top of a plateau, overlooking the valley.
Honi closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. A slight breeze ruffles his hair and the tension of his flight drops off him. He has no idea where he is but the plateau slopes downwards. All he has to do is follow it and he will reach the bottom of the valley soon enough. He has no water left and needs to get back into shade soon but for now the heat reflects off the yellow soil and warms his skin pleasantly. He begins to walk downhill along the plateau but as he turns around, he freezes.
There in front of him, stands the biggest wolf he has ever seen. This creature is bigger then any animal in the zoo or on TV. It doesn’t move and Honi can’t feel any menace towards him. The black wolf doesn’t growl or appear agitated. It just stands there. Honi looks closer.
There is something familiar about the animal’s blue sapphire eyes and then it hits him. Is this even possible? Could he have found his spirit animal? Honi feels light-headed again, slightly removed from reality. Hesitantly he lifts his hand and the gigantic wolf sniffs it. Then his large wet tongue licks his skin. The boy giggles, then laughs out loud when it tickles.
Honi recognizes the deep intelligence in the wolf’s eyes and he knows that he’s safe. "Hey buddy," he softly addresses the animal. "What's your name?"
The wolf huffs, unimpressed, then butts his big furry head against the boy’s leg. He feels so real and smells a little rank, like a huge wet dog. So if the animal is his spirit animal, can only he see it? What would his schoolmates think if they could witness him talking to himself and patting an invisible head? They already think he's weird and when he imagines Sarah-Lynn's baffled expression, he laughs out loud.
The wolf pulls back its lips and shows dagger-like teeth. Honi still doesn’t feel threatened, more like the animal is laughing with him. He looks downhill towards the valley and feels a lot better. He picks up his pack and with his hand on the animal’s head, he continues the long walk home. Except now he doesn’t feel alone anymore. His wolf is with him and he won’t be alone ever again.
Spirit Hunger
Book One
To my husband who never complained when I was eyeball deep buried in the internet, swearing and cursing at all the platforms, software and code that made my life hell!
He always managed to calm me down. He’s a saint, really.
1
Adi wasn’t happy. Hands on her hips, she stood in front of Diepger and glared. For the last few minutes, she’d been trying to get him to regrade her paper. He stared back, his irritation obvious in the way he raised his eyebrow.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Diepger. I still don’t understand why you felt you had to correct this sentence.” The appellation stuck in her throat. He was the only TA that insisted on being addressed by his full name and title. Most instructors were on a first-name basis with their students, many of whom weren’t that much younger than the staff.
Diepger pulled himself up to his full height, towering over Adi’s diminutive figure. She rolled her eyes internally. She hadn’t been intimidated by posturing for a long time, especially not by some dude who barely knew his subject.
“Miss Gutseel, I corrected the sentence because it is wrong. Do you really think badgering me is going to make a difference to your grade?”
Adi ignored the last part. She knew she was a good student but it wasn’t enough. The grade wasn’t the issue. She was upset because she knew she was right. Adi had been raised bilingually and spent her youth in Germany. She was completely fluent, and her TA was being unfair to her because she was better at the language than he was.
She took a deep breath and tried again. Maybe she’d get through to him if she was a little more conciliatory.
“Look, surely we can agree that there are various interpretations of the text. Innerer Frieden and Seelenfrieden are both expressions of the same state of mind.”
Diepger stared at her. It was obvious he wasn’t used to anybody challenging him. His eyes narrowed.
“Miss Gutseel, you seem to think you know everything about the language.” Adi had a sinking feeling that his icy expression veiled his temper. She wasn’t surprised when he suddenly hissed, “Let me tell you something. You’re the student and I’m the instructor. I grade you the way I see fit.” He seemed to want to say more but then turned towards his office. His voice dripped with contempt when he said, “Now if you’ll excuse me…”
Adi was speechless for all of two seconds. This had gone beyond an academic argument about language. Heat was rising in her cheeks and her pulse was hammering in her temple. Damn it, shut up, shut up, don’t take his bait. She knew she’d better be quiet and walk away. But before she could do that, her temper took over.
“Excuse me again, Mr. Diepger," she shouted at his receding back. Adi hesitated for a split second before continuing, “I do know everything about German, given that I grew up speaking it. That’s more that can be said about you, isn’t it? I doubt you’ve ever even left the US, judging by your accent.” As the words left her mouth, she knew she should have tried harder to keep them inside.
Diepger stopped walking and just stood there. His whole body tensed, then slowly turned towards her. Adi shrank into herself. Holy crap, what had she just said? Where had that come from? She paled and waited for Diepger to explode. She couldn’t believe she’d spoken to him like that. It was completely out of line and there was no taking it back.
“I’m…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…," she stammered, before she was interrupted by an icy reply.
“You meant it alright.” Diepger had turned around and was walking back towards her.
Light falling in from an overhead window threw his face into shadows while streaking into Adi’s eyes. She frowned. For a second, she thought she saw movement on the TA’s shoulder. She shook her head. Only a trick of the light, surely. But then it moved again, and this time, Adi remembered when she had first experienced this.
When she was four years old, an old woman had been sitting outside the local supermarket in Frankfurt, begging. It had been late winter, the sky a thunder
ous dark gray, the sun struggling to push watery beams through the dense cloud cover. The poplar trees shivered in a gust blowing straight down from the Taunus Forest, north of the city.
It was a miserable time of year to be sitting on the ice-cold ground, and Adi didn’t understand why the old woman didn’t just go home and warm up with a cup of hot chocolate. She’d asked once why some people were out in the cold, and her mom had tried to explain that they were less fortunate.
“Mom,” she said, tugging on her mother’s dark red wool coat. “Mom, can we give her some money so she can buy a hot drink? She looks so cold.”
“You’re a good girl,” her mom said, smiling at her. Adi liked being called a good girl. She happily skipped towards the beggar woman to put some Deutschmarks into her paper cup. But when she got closer, she saw a snake wound around the beggar’s neck.
Adi stopped and stared. She’d never seen anything like this before. She remembered a large snake in one of her fairy tale books. She was of course a cursed princess, and very beautiful even as a snake. She had a crown on her head and her scales shimmered gold and green. Adi loved that story, and her mom had read the book to her from cover to cover several times now.
The beggar’s snake was nothing like the snake princess. Green and brown, its mottled skin hung off in flakes. Adi hid behind her mother’s legs, but the animal looked straight at her and its forked tongue seemed to taste her in the air. There was something malevolent about the snake, its eyes black and lifeless.
When the old woman smiled and thanked Adi’s mom, the snake suddenly tightened its coils around her neck. Her face turned red and she gasped for breath.
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