by Nancy Naigle
“Yeah, he’s definitely your boy.” She stood and shifted Jesse to her hip so she could slip her free arm around Jack. “Thank you for the surprise. The kids love the addition, and I will too. It won’t be the same as having you here, but Denali is a good second best.”
“Don’t let Denali steal my pillow,” Jack warned.
She shrugged playfully. “We’ll see. Just hurry home.”
Across the way, a few of the wives stood talking. She could hear them already planning a girls’ day out and weekly get-togethers. Amanda had been part of some of those conversations before, believing it made the time go by faster and easier for those left behind.
Jack took Jesse into his arms.
Jesse simply said, “Bye.” His favorite new word. Jack whispered into his ear, and to whatever Jack was saying, Jesse just kept repeating, “Bye.”
He put Jesse down next to Hailey. “I love you both.” They hugged his legs.
“This is it, babe,” he said, pulling Amanda into the group hug.
“I love you, Jack.”
“I love you. I’m already counting the days. This is a good thing I’m doing. We’re doing.”
“Honorable. Amazing. I know.” Her throat grew tight. “I love you for it, but I hate it. I miss you already.” She took Hailey’s hand. “Come on, Jesse. We have to let Daddy go.” Jesse looked up at Jack and then waddled over to her without a word.
Jack heaved his duffel bag over the bed rail to his shoulder, reaching for her hand one last time.
She squeezed his hand, trying to smile through tear-filled eyes. Her thumb traced his wedding band. Her heart hung in her throat as her fingers slipped from his strong hand.
Watching his long, familiar strides, her breath caught with every step as he moved across the parking lot toward the other soldiers. Proud, and ready to fight for freedom.
Butterflies danced in her stomach.
“We can be brave together,” she said, hoping saying it out loud would make it true.
Hailey started wailing, which made Jesse cry. She knelt and held them close. “Wave to Daddy. Make funny faces.” Hailey and Jesse sniffed back tears, then started mugging. Anything to keep them from crying. “We’ll go get hot dogs to take home for lunch when we leave here. Deal?”
Jesse flapped his hand. “Bye.”
Hailey, with tears falling onto her cheeks, held Amanda’s gaze. “Daddy has to come home.”
“Yes, he does, honey. We will plan lots of things to do. He’s going to be home just as soon as he can be.”
She turned and watched as the bags were loaded onto the bus, and then the guys. Once Jack cleared the door, she couldn’t see him through the tinted windows.
“Come on, let’s blow Daddy one more kiss before we go.” They all raised their hands to their mouths and blew kisses. She had no idea if he’d even seen them, but he’d know. He always knew.
She put the kids in the back seat of the truck and buckled them into their car seats. Denali was standing with his paws on the tailgate. She lifted the chubby fellow and stuck him on the floorboard under the kids’ feet.
As she closed the rear door, she saw one of the gals from the women’s group heading toward her.
She didn’t have that much strength right now. A pedicure or a game of bunco wouldn’t change that Jack was gone and would be for quite some time. Although she’d been one of them in the past—the wives supporting those who had husbands away—and she knew firsthand their intentions were honorable, she just couldn’t do it today.
Amanda hopped into the front seat and cranked the truck, pretending she hadn’t seen the woman. She drove off with a slight pang of guilt, mostly because she lived in base housing too. They were neighbors. No way would she be able to avoid these ladies for long. They were determined to help one another, and that was a blessing. Amanda realized that. But right now she was sad, and she wasn’t ready to let go of that yet. She needed to muster every smile she could to put on a brave and happy face for her children. That was her priority.
Rain fell, and from the looks of the sky, it was settling in for a while.
She stopped at the drive-through to pick up hot dogs for lunch and then drove home. Thankfully, Hailey and Jesse seemed exhausted by the morning’s events too. Jesse was already asleep in his car seat. When they got home, Amanda woke them up to get them inside. They ate hot dogs and then all climbed into her king-size bed, even Denali, and watched cartoon reruns.
She hugged Jack’s pillow to her heart, hoping the scent of his aftershave wouldn’t fade anytime soon. Once Hailey and Jesse fell asleep, she cried quiet tears. She missed Jack already, and he probably hadn’t even made it out of the state yet.
2
Two years later
Whelk’s Island, North Carolina
Our character is often most evident in our highs and lows. Be humble at the mountaintops, be strong in the valleys, and be faithful in between.
—Marc Chernoff, Getting Back to Happy
Becoming a single parent had never been the plan. Sure, Amanda was aware that marrying a Marine carried a certain amount of risk and sacrifice, but their love was big and true. She’d worried more about how much she’d miss him while deployed than the remote chance he might not come home. Those teensy percentages happen to someone, though, and it had happened to Jack. And her.
Still, after all this time following Jack’s death, more than two years now, there were mornings Amanda woke up with her arm flung over the other pillow, reaching for him. Each time, reality tore at her tender heart. She remembered the way his morning stubble prickled her fingertips, and the curve of his smile when her touch accidentally awakened him. She clenched her fingers into a fist. Please don’t let that memory ever fade.
Everyone said time would make the loss more bearable.
If she’d had a twenty-dollar bill for every time someone told her that, she’d be a rich woman. She’d lay odds that whoever started that rumor had never lost a husband.
The first year, she’d been on autopilot; friends and family had leaned in whenever she faltered. The second year, as she came out of the fog, that support system had faded away. Time had healed them, so they’d moved on, leaving her to find her own way.
That’s when reality settled in and every part of her life had a gaping hole that Jack had once filled. No one had warned her the second year was even worse. It would have been nice to know in advance.
The third year would be better than the last. She’d promised herself that. So this morning she lay there summoning the strength to get started.
As usual, Jack’s voice filled her mind. “You can do this. You’re a strong woman. Stronger than you know.”
He’d convinced her of that, until he was no longer there. He’d been her strength all along.
She never remembered it being this hot in early July before. Amanda took in a deep lungful of the humid Whelk’s Island air. Loneliness hung from her like a wet sweater—oddly heavy and cold—in the middle of summer.
If she could turn over and never wake up again, it would be fine by her.
That’s not an option.
Two tiny hearts depended on her: Hailey and Jesse. Three if she counted Denali, and he needed her too.
She pulled the covers back and sat up. Stretching her arms to the ceiling, she looked around her bedroom. The real estate agent had called this house a cottage, but that made it sound more glamourous than it was. Bungalow was probably more fitting.
There was an advantage to the place being in poor condition. Price, for one, but it also gave her the freedom to go a little wild with decor and paint colors. Years of sand had ruined the hardwood floors, so she let the kids help her whitewash them. They’d even written messages of hope and love and dreams across the thirsty boards before painting them. It would forever be their family secret. The project made t
he house feel more like home.
Despite the fact there were still boxes stacked in the corner of her room even after having lived here over two months now, she and the kids were finally getting into a good routine.
It was liberating to have no history in this town. Gone were those side-glance looks of condolence from the other Marine wives. The are-you-okays. It might be true that those looks had just been in her head, that people weren’t giving Jack a second thought after two years. That’s what Mom had said, but honestly, was that any better? To think Jack had been completely forgotten was heartbreaking too.
Her phone rang. One glimpse at the screen confirmed what she’d already suspected: Mom. Please don’t push today. She hesitated answering, but with each ring, she realized that waiting to talk to her wouldn’t make it any easier.
“Hello, Mom. How are you this morning?” She made herself smile. She’d read somewhere that an actual smile on your face came through over the phone. If that would convince her mom she was doing okay, it was worth a try. Fake it ’til you make it.
“I wondered if you’d answer. You must never keep your phone with you.”
Which was Mom’s passive-aggressive way of letting her know that she suspected Amanda had been ignoring her calls, but Amanda refused to let her bait her today.
Mom rambled on. “Anyway, the house down the street went on the market this morning. Huge backyard and one of those big swing sets with a slide and a fort. You know we have the best school district here. I already called the agent, so I can go see it this morning at ten. I’ll video-call you.”
“Why would I do that? I just moved.”
“But this is better. You’d be here with family. We’ve talked about this.”
“Mom, thank you, but no. I’m not coming back to Ohio. My life is here now. Jack and I want to raise the kids in North Carolina.”
“But Jack isn’t there.”
She pulled her hand to her heart. “Yes. I’m fully aware. Every day I’m reminded of it. But I have to do this on my own. Why can’t you have faith in me? I need to do this. It’s important to me.”
“Well, those kids need more than just you. We’re their grandparents.”
“I know, Mom. I totally agree. Come visit. Y’all can sleep in Hailey’s room. She sleeps in Jesse’s most of the time anyway. The beach is great. You can see for yourself we’re doing fine.”
“You know your father won’t leave. He’s got all those things going on.”
Amanda sucked in a breath. All those things? Like what? Mom had a million excuses why they wouldn’t come down to visit. Amanda was tired of begging them.
“You shouldn’t let this house get away. It’s perfect. Homes in this neighborhood don’t go on the market often. Somebody has to die to get one.”
“Somebody died?” Good grief, that’s all she needed—to live with someone else’s ghost.
“No, it’s a saying. Look, if you’re worried about the money, we can help you. The cost of living is cheaper here. It would be so much easier for you. Please—”
“Thank you. I know you mean well, but I’m where I need to be.”
Her mother let out an exhausted sigh. “Well, then I suppose I must call and cancel that appointment. I don’t know why you can’t at least try. We worry about you. You’re our daughter. This is hard on everyone.”
“I’m doing the very best I can. I start teaching in September. Everything is all set.”
“Well, that’s another thing. Here you could work part time, or not at all. You wouldn’t have to go back to teaching. You could live off the insurance until the kids are older.”
Teaching wasn’t what Amanda wanted to do. When she’d uprooted the family and moved here, the plan had been to start her online store selling herb-infused salts prepared at her house. She and Jack had set some money aside for the venture. She wished she’d done it sooner, while he was still around, but the kids were little and the timing never seemed right.
She’d paid a contractor to cordon off a space for the sole use of her business as soon as she’d closed on this place, only to then find out she couldn’t run the food business from her home with Denali on the property. That had been a devastating discovery and a huge waste of money. She’d thought Mom would console her, but instead it fueled the arguments to get her back to Ohio.
“I guess we shouldn’t complain since you’ll be using your college degree,” Mom said.
“Right.” Like she hadn’t heard about that a hundred times since she had Hailey. “Thanks, Mom. Kiss Daddy for me. I’ve got to go. Something’s on the stove.” She hated lying, but these calls left her feeling uncertain, and she wasn’t strong enough for that today. “I love you, Mom. Bye.”
No doubt things would be easier in Ohio, but her mom would put herself in the middle of everything, and finding a way to move on without Jack was something Amanda needed to do for herself.
She tossed her phone aside and made her bed, brushing the cover free of wrinkles.
Instead of keeping the masculine blue color scheme she and Jack had shared, she’d decorated this room in beachy tones of taupe and a sassy fruit-punch pink. Jack would never have agreed to the girlie combo, but it made her feel happier. Even if the moments were few and far between, they were coming more often now than they had.
“Good morning,” she said to the gerbera daisy on her nightstand. Its magenta petals brought joy every day. If you talk back, I will have a problem.
Next to the flower sat a conch shell. She’d bought it at a garage sale for a dime. That was the day she’d started house hunting for a home at the beach. Not just any beach. The beach where she and Jack had gotten married.
She picked up the shell and held it to her body. Since she first laid eyes on it, the shell made her feel powerful and able to come up with solutions that otherwise seemed impossible.
The weather was so hot that even at night the house didn’t cool off. She shook her hair from her face and stretched to the sky. She’d once read somewhere that stretching when you got up was a sign of being healthy. That was a good enough reason to give it a try.
Amanda’s feet stuck to the humid floor as she walked down the hall. She poked her head inside Jesse’s room. Even though the ceiling fan was on, both kids had kicked off their sheets. Hailey was still fast asleep, hugging the stuffed lop-eared bunny she’d gotten for Christmas two years ago. Jesse was wiggling—a sure sign he’d be up any minute.
She walked to the living room and sat on the couch, pulling her feet up underneath her for a few minutes of quiet. She closed her eyes and took in slow, deep breaths.
I’m thankful for the security the teaching job will bring.
I’m thankful for this humble house. It’s becoming a home, and we’re safe here.
The kids are stronger than I’ll ever be. I’m so lucky, and they keep me going.
And then that was it because Jesse came tearing down the hall, his bare feet slapping the floor. He jumped over poor Denali, who’d practically dug a hole while trying to scramble out of the way.
Have I ever finished a list? I’m grateful for so many more things.
“You’re awake!” Jesse struck a squatty sumo stance.
Amen.
He ran over and threw himself at her. “Love!”
“Good morning, my little man.” She hugged him tightly.
He smacked a wet kiss on her cheek. This was their special time each day. Hailey wasn’t an early bird, but Jesse greeted Amanda with enthusiastic smiles every single morning.
It would be hard to switch gears when school started, but she didn’t have a choice. She’d been frugal with the insurance money. Hopefully, with some clever planning, someday she’d still be able to do something with her herbs.
Jesse belly-flopped onto the couch next to her.
“I love you,” she said.
She pulled him close. He smelled of baby shampoo and sweet dreams. She blew her lips against the side of his neck, making him laugh. His chubby legs kicked in the air.
He wriggled free to climb down on the floor and kiss Denali on the head. “Good boy.”
The dog let out a sigh and licked Jesse’s hand. It was amazing how much Denali had grown from that tiny eleven-pound puppy to this fifty-two-pound solid hunk of love. The handsome black-and-white bulldog now took up most of the doorway when he sprawled out. His chest was so wide that he looked like he could stop just about anything. Well, except on the days Hailey dressed him up in her tutu. Denali really was the perfect dog for them. Yes, Jack, you were right.
Hailey came down the hall, her eyes still half-shut. “I wasn’t ready to be awake. Jesse, you always wake up too early.”
He shrugged. “My eyes just pop open. I can’t help it.” His expressive face tickled Amanda. He was so committed to getting his point across.
Amanda raised her hands, fingers wide, mirroring him. “Me too. We must be twins.”
He cocked his head. Then he burst into a fit of giggles. “You’re Mommy.”
“Yes, I am. The luckiest mommy in the world to have you two.” She wrangled both kids in for a family hug. “It’s supposed to be cooler today. Want to take Denali down on the beach?”
“Yes!” They both bounced, which excited Denali. He leaped up, then nudged his nose under Hailey’s hand for more attention.
“Go change into your swimsuits, and I’ll pack breakfast to take with us.”
Jesse took off for his room, but Hailey started filling a tote bag with cups and plastic takeout containers. She was planning to design a sandcastle worthy of a princess.
“You have to carry that over the dune, Hailey-bug. Don’t make it too heavy.”