by C. Morgan
Halfway through, LeRoy spotted me and gave me a big grin, holding up his glass as if to toast my presence. He didn’t miss a note, not even when he turned the drink up. When he finished, he got up from the bench and gave a bow as the crowd clapped.
When he came my way, I held out my hand. “That was an interesting rendition,” I said. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard that song played that way.” The man was a legend, no matter what he played. And that brought his crowd to his little hole in the wall.
He chuckled, grabbing the towel that draped over his shoulder and wiping his brow with it. “Why don’t you show us what you’ve got?” He pointed to the bench. “I’ve had my workout. Now have a go at her.” He patted my shoulder and took my drink, gulping it down.
I walked to the seat as LeRoy thumped my glass. “Attention, friends,” he said. “This is my good buddy, Clay. How about giving him a warm welcome, and maybe he’ll take a few requests?”
I wasn’t ready for requests, but I’d give it my best shot. I broke out into Johnny B. Goode and hoped I remembered all of the words. It had been years since my mother’s boyfriend had me play it for him, and the crowd sang along, which actually helped for a change.
I had the crowd hopping, and then I got another request for Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On, which was my favorite as a kid. My mother was a huge Jerry Lee Lewis fan, and I owed a lot of my musical taste to her.
I was so on my way to winning the older crowd with the classic rock and roll hits that I nearly forgot myself. I even caught myself smiling for the first time that day. Music was my therapy, my drug, and I hoped it would heal my wounds and woes. It wasn’t until they asked me to change it up again with a little something slow that the painkiller wore off and the emotions flooded in.
Sea of Love was a song Beth and I had found while looking through some of my grandmother’s old records, and we had stood up and danced in my living room while it played. It had been our song ever since.
I tried to play it, but I just couldn’t make it through.
I stopped playing, and the crowd began to sing it as if they were going to help me along. But I was done. All I could think about was how bad I’d fucked it all up. I pecked around at the keys and then looked up at LeRoy, who looked concerned for me.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
I didn’t offer any other explanation as I made a quick exit, but despite how fast I went for the door, I heard LeRoy asking them to give me a round of applause, and he made some remark about me leaving them wanting more.
I had fucked up. And not just with the impromptu set. My life was spinning out of control, and I didn’t know how to make it stop. All I knew was that I had to make things right. I had to make her listen, to prove to her I was not the enemy. I was still the first boy she loved and the man she married.
As I hurried down the street to where I parked, I fumbled for my keys. “What have I let go?”
I didn’t know where I was going, but I was going to have to do something to get them back.
Chapter 6
Beth
I was up early on Monday to take Jack to his nine-month checkup and hoped that everything would be okay. I had kept a close eye on him since my talk with Della, and I was convinced I either had the most stubborn baby alive or he really couldn’t hear me. It didn’t seem to happen all of the time, so I was convinced it was the former. He was a lot like his father.
When we arrived at the pediatrician’s office, Candy, the receptionist, and a girl I went to high school with signed us in. “How is your little fella today?”
“He’s good. Growing like a weed. I’m ready to see how much he weighs. He’s a little chunk.”
“You can go right in, Beth. Room two is ready for you, and Dr. Lenz will be right in.”
“Thanks so much.” I hated to wait out front and liked it best when they weren’t packed with patients.
The room I entered was decorated with a jungle theme, and there was a brightly colored monkey on the wall. Jack noticed and smiled, reaching his hand for it. “That’s a monkey. Isn’t he funny?” I smiled at my son, and we played patty-cakes until the nurse came in.
“Hi, Beth. How’s the little man?” Brenda was several years older than me, but like most people who had been around the town for any number of years, I knew her too.
“He’s doing good, happy, and seems to be healthy, but I do have a few concerns for the doctor.”
“Well, let’s get him over to the scale, and we’ll see how much he weighs.” She wiped it down and dried it off, which was something they did as standard procedure and made me feel good that I could see that it had been cleaned properly. That kind of thing was really important to me.
Jack sat up, and I held his hand until it was time to let go. “I was hoping that would be in a healthy range,” I said as I moved my hand. “He eats so much.”
“He’s at that age, and be happy he does. This is usually a frustrating time when some babies don’t want to eat, so you’re lucky. He’s a big boy. Isn’t your husband tall?”
I didn’t feel like clarifying with the whole divorce thing still unofficial. “Yeah, he’s tall. We were both large babies too, so I guess he takes after us both.”
“He’s a cutie. And he’s only gained one pound since last month, so he’s starting to level out.”
“But that’s good?” I picked him up and held him on my hip, and Jack took the opportunity to grab a handful of my hair. I was used to him tugging at it.
“Yeah, he’s fine. And I think he’s going to be tall like his daddy. You should both be so proud. He’s a happy baby.” She turned and walked to the door. “Dr. Lenz will be here in a moment.”
She disappeared after I thanked her, and I bounced Jack in my arms and swayed him from side to side. “Did you hear that? You’re a healthy baby boy.” I kissed his little head, and it wasn’t a minute later that Dr. Lenz arrived.
He gave a quick rap on the door and entered. “Hello, Beth, Jack. How are we doing today?” He went to the sink to wash his hands.
“We’re both doing okay, but I do have some concerns.”
“Ah, well, most mothers do,” he said with a chuckle. “And let’s hope I can put your mind at ease.” He looked at Jack. “Mama, why don’t you put him up here, and I’ll take a look at him?”
Jack was still focused on the monkey and hadn’t paid the doctor any mind.
“Will you check his ears?”
“Has he been pulling on them?”
“No, not really. He’s just not responding to me. He isn’t talking, more than bye-bye, which he mostly waves, and I’m scared there might be something wrong with his hearing. I see a lot of children who are hearing impaired through my work, and Jack shows some signs of that lately.”
“Yeah, well, I kind of noticed that too when I came in. It’s usually something we start to notice at his age. Sometimes sooner if it’s more severe or complete deafness, of course. I’ll check it out.” He gave me a reassuring look and continued with the exam when he got Jack’s attention.
After a moment, he turned his attention from Jack to me. “Do you or your husband have any hearing impairment?”
“No, sir, and I don’t know of anyone in the family who does.”
He gave a nod and walked over to jot something down in Jack’s file. “I’m going to go ahead and order a few tests. But I need you and your husband to both sign off on them.”
“Oh, I have full custody of Jack.” I didn’t even know how I was going to tell Clay about it. I didn’t think I needed to ask his permission, though.
“It’s okay. You will just have to bring in proof of that. At Jack’s age, there are standard procedures, and we have to follow them. So just bring that to the front, and it shouldn’t be a problem.”
It was more of a problem than he knew. “Well, you see it might be. My ex lost custody, but he’s also dragging his feet on the final divorce papers, so it could take a while to get that. I don’t want to wait. Is there another
way?”
“I’m sorry. I have to have him sign. So you’ll either have to get the divorce decree and proof of custody or have him sign the form. I’ll have Candy give it to you at the front.”
“Thanks.” I looked at Jack, worried it could be serious. What if I lost him? “Do you think it’s anything serious, as in life threatening?” It seemed like a simple test at first, but with them being so adamant about both signatures, I wasn’t sure what was going on.
“I won’t be able to promise you anything until I look, but I don’t think it’s life threatening as much as I think there may be a developmental issue and possible permanent damage, which is why I need to take a better look at him with these tests. It might be something we can fix.” His tone was hopeful but I also knew that for every positive, there was a negative. I had learned through my work that hearing loss could be a result of many things.
“But you know there is an impairment, right? Just shoot me straight. I know enough about it that I already fear the worst.”
“Well, don’t panic. I can tell he has some level of hearing, so that’s good, but we can be talking about anything from a blockage, that is easily removed, to growth impairment. I simply can’t say at this time. But he seems healthy in other ways that if it were something like a tumor or something critical, it would be showing in other places. Let’s get these tests and go from there.”
I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. Jack was my entire world. What if it was something that could take him away from me? I suddenly realized how Clay felt. “I’ll speak with his father.”
He had a right to know if his son could have a serious problem, but part of me wondered if it was best not to tell him. If I told him the truth, it could make him spiral more. I had enough to worry about.
When we were leaving, I stopped at the counter to make his next appointment, and Candy gave me the paperwork.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Fine. I’m just worried.” I felt as if my world was crumbling.
“It’s going to be okay. Dr. Lenz is the best, and so you’re already on the right track.” She gave me a reassuring smile and then cooed at Jack, who smiled at her.
I got to the car and strapped Jack into his seat, but when I got in the front and put on my seatbelt, I lost it. I fell over the steering wheel and wept, praying that there wasn’t anything seriously wrong with him.
I composed myself and found my phone in my handbag. I had to call Clay. This was too important not to tell him, and a part of me needed him. I tried to remind myself that I shouldn’t have such big expectations of him, but I would always want the best part of him. Clay wasn’t all bad all the time, and hopefully, he’d step up, sign the papers, and let me handle the rest. I knew it wasn’t going to be that easy.
As the phone rang and rang, I let out a breath of frustration and wondered if he was sleeping in again. He wasn’t working from what I’d heard, and that presented another problem for us. Thankfully, I had insurance on Jack through my job, but what if this was long term? What if the insurance didn’t cover everything?
Finally, after hanging up and calling back again, he answered.
“Beth, hey.” His voice was still groggy from sleep. I wished he would get a job where he could sleep like other people. He should have been up by now even if he had a gig the night before, but that wasn’t my business or burden anymore.
I took a deep breath. “I just thought I’d call you and tell you that I took Jack to his nine-month checkup.”
“Is everything okay?”
“It’s his hearing, and we’re not sure. That’s why they want to test him. But he seems to have some kind of hearing loss. The tests will tell us more.” I didn’t know if I should go into the whole theory thing with him, so I just kept it to the facts at hand.
But Clay was alarmed. “Is he going to be okay? What do you mean hearing loss? He can’t hear?”
“He can, just not at the level he should. So it could be one or both ears. But there’s definitely something wrong. And I’d like you to sign this paper they gave me so they can get him in. The longer we wait, the worse it could get if there’s an underlying problem.”
“But he could still be fine, right? I mean, it could just be a lot of wax in his ears or something? Did something get stuck in there?”
“No, Clay, I think they’d have noticed.” Sometimes, he could be so silly, but then I hated to be too hard on him. I knew I was just as worried.
“I’ll meet with you at lunch. How about the diner?” There was a little place across town we used to love to go to that I hadn’t been in a while called Salty’s.
“Sure, I’ll bring the papers, and, um, maybe you could bring the divorce papers too?”
“I’ll see you there.” He hung up the phone, and I knew he wasn’t going to bring them. With all that was going on, I just wished he’d let me go.
Chapter 7
Clay
I still couldn’t believe there was anything wrong with my son. He was so healthy and happy, it didn’t make sense, but then, it had nearly been a month since I’d seen him.
I got to the diner early and found a table before the lunch rush, which was already popping, hoping to show Beth I could be on time. I sat down and no sooner got comfortable than the waitress, Sam, who had worked there for as long as I could remember, came over to take my order.
“What can I get for you, Clay?”
“I’m waiting on the family, so if you could just get me a soda, I’ll wait for them to order.”
She smiled. “Sounds good,” she said as she walked away.
I was nervous to see Beth and couldn’t wait to see Jack. I wondered how much he had grown. Would I be able to see a change in him or that something was wrong? I felt sick knowing that he might not be okay, but I pushed the bad thoughts away and closed my eyes to pray that it was all a big misunderstanding.
When Beth arrived, I let out a breath I’d seemed to be holding in, and then I got to my feet and went to help her with my son. “I’ll take him,” I said as she stopped and put the bag in the booth.
She passed him over without a fuss, and I held him so tight I thought I might never be able to let him go. “Hey, buddy. Daddy’s missed you so much.”
I sat with him, and the waitress brought my soda and asked Beth what she wanted.
“Nothing, thanks.” She seemed a bit distant, as if she were just going through the motions. I decided to be on my best behavior, knowing it had to be difficult for her.
“Get something. My treat.” I didn’t want her to think I was going to let her sign and run. I wanted some time to talk and to see my boy.
“Okay, I’ll just have a coffee, thanks.”
“You should eat,” I said. “And get something for Jack. Mashed potatoes?”
Beth nodded. “Okay, I’ll have the grilled chicken salad and some of the green beans and potatoes for Jack.”
“I’ll have the cheeseburger special. Bring her some water too.” I knew she’d ask for it sooner or later.
As the waitress walked away, Beth wasted no time pulling out the paperwork. “I just need you to sign this. I’ll drop it off on my way home, and that way, they can get his tests scheduled.”
“Let me know when it is,” I said, holding my son’s hand as he gripped my fingers. He laughed and gave me a big smile before laying his head on my shoulder. He had missed me. But not as much as I missed him.
“You don’t have to go.” Beth glanced at her phone. I wondered who she had been talking to.
“I want to be there.”
“Okay, but it’s not exactly something they can wait for you to do. You should do your best to be on time if you want to see him before he goes back.”
She had really lost all faith in me. But I was ready to prove her wrong.
“I know. Just tell me when, and I’ll be there.” I could do better. I had let them down, but I was prepared to make sure I did everything I could to get my son back.
She gl
anced at her phone again as Sam brought her coffee and water. “Thanks,” she said.
Sam nodded. “That food will be right up too.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“So, did you bring the divorce papers?”
I deliberately left them at the hotel. “I wanted to look them over once more.”
“What’s there to look over? And you’ve had them for a month, Clay. What’s the holdup? Nothing is going to change.” She sighed. “You know, forget it. I’m more concerned about you signing this.” She pulled a pen from her handbag as I read the paperwork.
When she handed it to me, I scrawled my name on the bottom line next to hers. “Here.” I glanced down at Jack. “He seems fine.”
“Well, if you were around him, you’d know he’s not.”
“How long have you known about it?” My tone implied she had been keeping it from me, and as soon as I said it, I knew she was going to be on the defensive.
“I just noticed. He’s been doing well at his appointments, but they said it’s probably developmental, which means it’s new. I just noticed he wasn’t reacting to my voice the way he should. It’s just like some of the kids I work with that have hearing loss that affects their speech.”
“How has he been otherwise?” I patted his back and smelled his hair. He must have been worn out from his appointment because his lids looked heavy.
“He’s growing so fast. He’s good, and happy, and doesn’t cry a lot, but that’s all probably because of his impairment. It’s also probably why he hasn’t started talking much.”
“He says a few words.”
“He says bye-bye. The rest is babble. But he should be starting to form simple words, especially over the next few months.”
“Does he say mama or dada?”
“No, Clay. And it’s kind of sad that you even have to ask me that.”