Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but either way, I’m going to give him an out. Something Alison never did. “It’s not too late, you know. We could stop this thing now and still retain some semblance of friendship.”
He groans and stares at the cloudless sky. “This is my punishment. This is what I get for ever dating her.”
I pull my feet up and sit crisscross to where our knees are touching. “I’m not trying to punish you.”
“I know you’re not, but for some reason you still doubt me.”
I look down at my fingers because it’s true. A part of me still expects Bryson to hurt me.
“Do you want to know why I broke up with Alison when I did?”
“You already told me. You didn’t love her the way she loved you.”
“Yeah, that’s true, but I didn’t tell you when I finally accepted that reality.” He sets his hand on my knee, his fingertips rubbing the inside skin, oblivious to the fact that it’s sending tingles up and down my leg. “It was our first performance with Cam at lead guitar, in Waco.”
“I was there that night.”
He grins as if I’m missing the point. “I know. Cam didn’t say a word about you coming. He just kept looking out at the audience, agitated, until finally I guess he saw what he was looking for and settled. I had no idea it was you until I stepped up to the microphone and there you were, sitting front and center.” He picks up my hand and kisses the inside of my wrist. “I knew you weren’t there for me; you hadn’t been to one concert of mine that Cam didn’t drag you to, but still, I spent the entire night watching you and hoping you were watching me. Let me tell you, that’s a pretty sickening feeling to have for a girl, especially one who’s sitting next to your current girlfriend.” He looks down, shame written in the slump of his shoulders. “That’s when I knew I had to end things. Even I couldn’t stomach looking myself in the mirror that night.” He glances back up, the plea in his hazel eyes far too vulnerable to be lying. “Darcy, these feelings I have for you . . . they aren’t new, and they aren’t small.” He leans in and presses his lips to my neck right at the edge of my T-shirt. “I’ve spent years wanting to kiss this very spot.” Fire races down my arm as he scoots closer, his breath trailing to my ear. “You tuck your hair to one side when you’re nervous. I used to watch your fingers run right along this line and have to get up from the table to keep from touching you.”
I close my eyes, no longer aware of the lake or the deck or even the pressure of Bryson’s confessed feelings. All I can feel is the pleasure of new beginnings. Dangerous beginnings. Beginnings that threaten the last bits of security I’m furiously clinging to.
“You’re not a fill-in or a distraction. You’re the one I could never have.” His nose runs along my cheek, his breath tickling the skin. “And for the record, I am way too far gone to ever go back to how things used to be.”
I can’t argue. My skin burns with his touch. Burns in a way it shouldn’t between friends.
His lips lightly brush against mine. “Do you need more convincing?”
Unable to stand his teasing any longer, I kiss him, hard and deep. Bryson immediately responds, gripping the back of my head, cradling my body until we somehow end up horizontal. I want to melt into the feel and taste and scent of him. My hands roam over his back, clawing at the hem of his shirt, eager to explore the muscles underneath.
Bryson immediately pulls back, his face flushed, his lids half closed the same way they are onstage. “We need to slow this down.” He sits against the deck railing, his breath coming fast and labored, and runs his hands over his face.
I lie there, nearly as stunned as he is. I always knew I wanted passion in a relationship. I just never knew until now what that might actually feel like. I sit up on my elbows, my legs still stretched in front of me, and choke out a laugh. “Yeah, I’d say I’m thoroughly convinced.”
He lowers his head, his elbows resting on his knees, and begins to laugh with me. It’s a nice sound, light and inviting, a release of so many battered moments in our lives.
He stands and offers his hand. I grip it, the skin callused and warm, and let him pull me upright. He wraps his arms around me, clasping his hands together at my lower back. “What do you say to dinner at my place tonight? Believe it or not, I am good for more than dog wrangling and clandestine make-out sessions.”
I duck my head into his shoulder, slightly mortified by how quickly I lost control. “I wish I could, but I promised dinner with Cam. We’re celebrating your big break.”
The tension comes slowly but seems to grow as he processes my words. “I haven’t seen him since the concert.” He backs up, and it forces me to look at him. Every muscle in his face is tight with restraint. “How’d he take the news of the two of us dating?”
I can tell by the way he asks that he already knows the answer. “I haven’t exactly told him yet.”
Bryson’s jaw ripples with tension, and I hate how it reminds me of the face he makes whenever he talks about his mom. “Darcy, I’m pretty sure this secret trumps the concert one.”
“It’s not a secret. I’m just trying to be delicate.”
“Why? It’s not like you haven’t dated before. Cam dealt with it then. He can deal with it now.”
“I know, but it’s different this time. He knows you. We all are interconnected. Plus . . .” I disentangle from his embrace, which only seems to add to his rigid posture. “Cam will worry about you hurting me.” Just like his brother. They’ve both seen too many of Bryson’s bad choices. “He’s protective that way.”
“No. He’s territorial. He always has been when it comes to you. It’s why everyone, including me, keeps waiting to see a shiny engagement ring on your finger.”
His words hit a much too familiar nerve. “Stop it. He’s my best friend. That’s all.”
“Then tell him.” He crosses his arms in front of his chest, a mountain of challenge in his stance. “If I’m wrong, your best friend will be happy for you. If I’m right, then we need to have a very different conversation.”
“You are wrong. And I will tell him. Just not tonight. Not when he’s so happy.” I step forward, feeling the need to apologize for some reason. “Please, Bryson. Cam’s already lost so many people in his life this year, and true or not, he’ll feel like he’s losing me, too. He can’t compartmentalize like you can. He feels everything, and I don’t want to cause issues right when he needs to focus the most.”
“Do you even realize how much energy you spend trying to keep Cam happy? If he worried about your happiness even a fraction as much, he would be thrilled you found someone who cares for you as much as I do.” He presses his lips together, a thing I’m learning he does when he has more to say than he’s willing to. “I’m not naïve, Darcy. I knew when I leaped into this thing with you that Cam has been the number-one guy in your life for years now. But I took the risk because you somehow convinced me that your feelings for him are platonic.”
“And they are.” I take Bryson’s hands and enclose them next to my chest. “He’s our friend, not to mention a critical part of Black Carousel’s future.” Bryson flinches at that reminder. “I think it’s only fair that we ease him into this slowly.”
“Fine. I’ll let you set the timeline.” He steps back, sighs, and everything about his stance conveys impatience. “But I want to make it one-hundred-percent clear that I’m uncomfortable.” He doesn’t say with what. Instead his expression turns cold and scrutinizing, far too much like the man he used to be. The hardened version. The one who’s been hurt and abandoned by every person he’s ever cared about.
I want to believe it’s just the secrets and the timing he doesn’t like, but a deeper part of me knows it’s more. I lay my head on his chest and hug him until he finally acquiesces and hugs me back. I’ll just have to do better at easing his doubts, just as he did for me today. It’s the only option I have. I’ve given up so much this past year, and I won’t, not for anyone, give up my best friend, too.
&n
bsp; twenty-five
Cameron’s promise of a swanky steakhouse in Dallas turns into piles of Mexican food on the patio of Trinity Groves, our new favorite dining spot right over the bridge to downtown. The Dallas skyline is gorgeous this time of night. It’s right after dusk, and each building is coming alive with thousands of lights.
“I’m glad you changed your mind about the restaurant,” I say around a bite of our shared fajitas. “This is much more us.”
He leans back in his chair, his dimples forming as he watches me eat very indelicately. “Well, I decided paying rent was more important than impressing you.”
“Please.” I lightly kick his foot with mine. “You know I’m cheaper than you are.”
He laces his hands behind his head. “Maybe so, but I still owe you a big juicy steak. In fact, you better cash it in soon, because once I’m filthy rich, I’m going to be way too important for anyone but my new celebrity friends.”
“What?” I toss my balled-up napkin at his face. “Where is your loyalty?”
“I’m kidding.” His grin turns warm, almost insecure. “Trust me, there’s no scenario where I see my future and you’re not in it.”
I swallow, oddly uncomfortable. “Good.”
An awkward silence falls that has never been between us before. Cameron shifts in his seat, feeling it, too. Maybe he can sense a change is once again coming.
“Cam?” My heart pounds in my chest, a nervousness I didn’t expect all but closing around my throat. “Can I ask you a question?” I hadn’t planned to bring this up tonight, but the words suddenly spill out.
His brows form a vee. “Since when do you need that as a lead-in?”
“Well, it’s kind of a personal one.”
“So?”
I wring my hands in my lap. “How did you deal with your girlfriends when they would get jealous of the two of us?”
He stares at me and slowly settles back into his seat. “That’s out of left field. Why do you want to know?”
I should have guessed he wouldn’t take the question at face value. The downside of his knowing every one of my expressions. “Just curious.”
He tilts his head. “Curious because . . . you’re chronicling our life together? Or curious because you’re seeing someone and he’s not comfortable with our friendship?” There’s an annoyance in his voice I recognize. It’s the same one he gets every time I venture into the boyfriend conversation. He has yet to like any I’ve introduced him to.
“The second one.”
He swallows like he didn’t expect my answer to be yes. “Who’s the lucky guy?”
“That’s not important,” I say, even though I know he would disagree.
Cam blows out a long exhale. “I knew you’d been distant this week. I guess it never crossed my mind you might have met someone.”
“Sorry. We’re kind of in that mushy want-to-spend-all-our-time-together stage.”
“So, it’s a new someone. When did you meet him? We’ve hung out every weekend except this past one.” His eyes widen, and I can see his mind calculating time. “Was it at the concert?”
“He was there, yes. But that’s not the point. The point is he has some concerns, and I don’t know how to ease those.”
“Concerns about me?”
I nod, wishing I had more practice with this type of thing.
Cameron’s pause is long and heavy, as if he’s still accepting my line of questioning. “Well . . . it’s simple. It’s not your job to ease his shortcomings or insecurities.” Cameron leans his elbows on the table. “You tell him the same thing I’ve told every one of my girlfriends. Our friendship always comes first.”
“That is not what you told January,” I remind him. “In fact, I remember a serious heart-to-heart where you made it clear to me that we needed to, and I quote, ‘back off and consider her feelings.’”
He shoots me a scowl because he knows I’m right. “Fine. Maybe I was a little enticed by her. But . . . I would have told her that if she’d tried to make me choose. Lucky for me, she was too busy lying about her entire existence to bother with jealousy.” His sarcasm makes us both chuckle and thankfully eases the tension in our conversation. Cameron reaches out and squeezes my hand. “January is proof of what we both know is true. People come in and out of our lives, but every time we land right back here—with you and me. No new relationship is going to change that. Don’t even let him try.”
“You’re right.” I squeeze his hand back and think of all the times Cameron has been there supporting me, caring for me, walking me through all the hardest moments in my life. Bryson doesn’t understand it because he’s never known the purity of a friendship on this level.
Cameron flashes a grin that is pure mischief. “So, when do I get to meet him?”
My stomach flips at the question. It’s inevitable that my two worlds will collide; I just have to find a way to minimize the impact. “When I feel sure that you’re not going to be rude to him.”
“I’m never rude to them.”
“Please, you interrogated Adam for an hour.”
His mouth opens in feigned outrage. “That’s because he wouldn’t stop undressing you with his eyes. Right in front of me, I might add. That guy was a jerk. You’re lucky I had your back.”
Okay, yeah. Probably not the best example. “Fine. I concede Adam was a dud.”
He smirks, knowing he’s winning our little battle. “Now, back to my question. When do I get to meet him?”
“Soon.”
“Give me a date.”
I hesitate, but then throw out an option that ensures the least amount of collateral damage. “The night of your concert. We’ll all go out afterward and celebrate.”
“That’s three weeks away.”
“So?”
“So, considering your usual patterns, he’ll be out of the picture by then and I never would have met him.” Both dimples appear, and his voice turns teasing. “We both know you don’t exactly have the longest attention span when it comes to men. Except me, of course.”
I narrow my eyes but have no ability to counter without giving more information than I’m ready to share. Never have I been as close to someone as I am to Bryson, and the fact that I’m this worried about making the three of us work is proof that I fully expect this thing with him to go long term. “Trust me. He’ll be there.”
“If you say so.” Though nothing in his voice implies he believes me.
“I do.” I settle back in my chair, relieved to have the conversation over with. It’s probably for the best that Cameron doesn’t think the relationship is serious. If he did, he’d push, and I’d cave and then we’d be forced to have a much more uncomfortable conversation. It’s odd. I’ve never really cared if Cam liked the guys I dated or even if he approved, but that was often because I already knew they weren’t right for me. Bryson’s different. He sees me. The changed me. The one who woke up one day and discovered her life was a lie. He sees the one thing Cameron has yet to accept—I’m never going to be the person I once was.
“Hey . . .” Cameron waves a hand in front of my face. “Where’d you go?”
“Nowhere.”
“You’ve been staring off into space for over a minute.”
“Sorry.” I go back to eating and try to push away all thoughts of Bryson. “Tell me more about Jax and the band. How did the whole tour thing even come up?”
“We were talking about a few places we’d both played, and then I mentioned how I want to venture into Oklahoma and Louisiana. Jax said I should be looking much bigger, and that was it.” He chews on his fingernail, his voice far too lifeless for his usual favorite conversation.
“That’s it?” My brow furrows. “Never have you ever talked about music in two sentences or less. And that was before you had the opportunity to play with another musical genius.” Cameron suddenly can’t meet my eyes. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Try again. And this time don’t chew on your n
ail while you’re talking. It’s a dead giveaway you’re not telling me the truth.”
“Okay, fine.” He bites his lip, a complete departure from his usual confidence. “I didn’t just bring you here to celebrate or hear about the next unfortunate guy in your life. There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.”
If my stomach weren’t in knots, I’d smack him for the “unfortunate guy” comment. “Okay?”
“It’s, um, well . . . it’s about your dad.”
I drop my tortilla onto the plate and try to ignore the rising nausea. “I take it back; you were right not to say anything.”
“That’s just it. I’ve been not saying anything for weeks now. And I can’t keep quiet any longer.”
“Cameron, whatever it is, I don’t care. I don’t want to know. And I certainly don’t want to ruin the night by talking about him.” I look toward the Dallas skyline, pain pouring into the places I thought I had shored up. My dad’s apartment is only fifteen minutes from here, yet he may as well be a continent away. “He left me for a shiny new life. I tried to fight it and I lost.”
“Darcy.” Cam’s voice is etched in compassion. “He left your mom. Not you.”
“It’s the same thing.”
“No, it’s not. Your dad messed up, yes, but I know for a fact that he’s tried to contact you several times with no response.”
I scowl at my best friend. “And how would you know that?”
“Because he calls me to check on you. He says you haven’t spoken to him since the divorce was final.”
“He made his choice. There was nothing left to say. And I really don’t appreciate your feeding him information.”
Cameron snakes a hand through his hair, his expression suspiciously guilty. “It’s not like that. Your dad wants to be a part of your life, even if it’s just through me right now.” He hesitates, probably weighing how angry I’m going to get. Finally he sighs, resigned. “He asked me to bring you to his birthday barbecue.”
“Did he? And in what universe did he think I would agree to go?”
Love and the Silver Lining Page 21