by Karen Ferry
I shook my head. “No way. I want to live on my own for a while. I’ve never lived alone, Gramps, and, in my opinion, it’s something every woman should try at least once in her life.”
He sighed and hid behind his paper once more.
Tired of the fact he seemed so sure I’d “come around”, as he called it, I shut the laptop and rose.
“I’m going up to my room,” I muttered.
“Obstinate,” he muttered when I kissed his cheek.
“Pot,” I warned.
“All right, all right. You’ve made your point.”
I shook my head fondly and clapped my thigh to call Bernie to me, but when the old pooch just snored even louder under the table, I rolled my eyes.
“Stubborn old goat,” I murmured as I trotted up the steps to my room. I felt stuck, on edge, and that had almost never happened before. I wasn’t one to get bored in my own company; there was always a project to try out or a blog post to write. But not having found the right place for my business, and an apartment at the same time, meant that I couldn’t get any further.
And that sucked.
To make matters worse, ignoring my pining heart was becoming increasingly difficult by each day that passed. I opened the door to my bedroom and frowned at the desktop drawer which held my phone. I flopped down on my bed and looked up at the ceiling, wondering what my next step should be, but I didn’t get to wallow for long. I could hear my phone ringing the tune I’d set for whenever Max called me, and I jumped from my bed, eager to talk with him.
“Hey!” I answered on the last ring, my voice a little breathless.
“What took you so long?” Max’s annoyed voice sounded in my ear.
I rolled my eyes. “My cell was in the desk drawer. That’s why it took me so long to answer.”
“That thing is practically never out of your eyesight. Why was it in the drawer?”
“Just because…” I tried to come up with a valid excuse, but for once, I drew a blank.
“All right, little sis, what’s going on?”
I could almost see the frown I knew was marring my brother’s forehead right about now.
“Nothing!”
“Huh. All right, have it your way. But can you tell me why Ethan’s blowing up my cell with texts every hour?”
I tightened my hold on my phone. “He’s doing what?”
“Yeah,” he drawled, “apparently, he’s under the impression that I’m privy to your whereabouts these days instead of him.”
“Oh, no,” I whispered.
“Oh, yes. Mind telling me what the fuck is going on?”
Cringing, I fell back on my bed. “I’d really rather not.”
“Pen, come on. Wait, I don’t have to make good on my promise to beat him to a pulp, do I? Has he hurt you?”
“Only my heart,” I sighed and frowned. “And no, don’t go beat him up, for God’s sake. This isn’t high school, Max.”
“Well, thank Christ for that,” he huffed. “But, seriously, Pen? Whatever’s going on, you better fix it, and fix it fast. The dude sounds like he’s on fucking crack. Or that he’s about to become a ghost, and that’s even worse.”
That didn’t sound like Ethan at all. Knowing what I did now about his family history, I understood why he wouldn’t drink anything with alcohol, not even a beer. Ethan on crack? No freaking way.
“What do you mean?”
“Call. Him. Today,” he urged before he hung up on me.
“Shit,” I whispered. Frantic with worry, I scrolled to my contacts, unblocked Ethan’s number, and then my heart started to race as the thing vibrated in my hand, notifying me of one text after the other. When it finally stopped, I blinked at the final number.
“Thirty-nine texts?!” I muttered, incredulous by the sheer number. “He’s nuts.”
I ignored each one and called him instead.
“Penelope?”
Crap.
Just hearing his voice say my name again was enough to make my heart do cartwheels in my chest. It had been a week, damn it. Why did it take so little to make me swoon at his feet?
“Penelope, are you there? Hang on.”
Wild barking could be heard in the background but then the noise faded away. I guessed he must’ve walked to another room.
“Why and what are you doing that has Max so worried about you?” I rambled.
“What?”
“You heard me, Ethan. What’s going on?”
“For fuck’s sake, Pen, you won’t text or call me back. I’m going crazy over here.”
“Please don’t…”
My breath came out faster now that I’d broken the silence between us. I could feel the wall around my heart crumble, but I couldn’t let it.
Could I?
“Ethan, stop harassing Max, okay? I’ve got to go.”
“So, tell me this,” he interrupted. “The real reason you’re calling is because Max told you to?”
I hated the sound of the humorless laugh that rumbled in my ear. There was absolutely no warmth to be heard in his voice now. Instead, there was only cold, hard steel, and it broke me a little bit more.
I wet my lips.
“Ethan, please…”
“Have you read my texts?”
I hesitated but went with the truth. “No.”
“Read them. When you’re done, call me again.”
“That’s not the right way to get me to…Ethan?”
Frowning, I pulled the phone from my ear and gasped in shock. He’d hung up on me.
“Fucking men!” I slumped back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. For a short moment, I considered ignoring him, but curiosity got the best of me. Sighing, I rolled to my stomach and picked up my phone again. I swiped the screen and scrolled to our messages, but I had to swipe almost to the top of the thread until I found the last one I’d sent him. Then I took a fortifying breath and began to read.
Ethan: Before you, I thought the sun was a myth.
Ethan: Before you, I thought I’d always walk in the rain.
Ethan: Before you, I thought I’d always be alone.
Ethan: You captured my heart when I was only thirteen, sunshine.
Ethan: Your smile brought warmth to my cold, bleak soul.
Ethan: Your hand in mine gave me strength.
Ethan: Your company healed me.
Ethan: Yeah, I fell in love, only I didn’t recognize it for what it was at the time.
Overcome with emotion, I sniffled and tried to wipe the tears that had started to cascade down my cheeks away, but they kept pouring down, causing his words to blur and jump. But now that I’d started reading, I couldn’t stop. His beautiful words – his declaration of love – which seemed so out of character for him, swept through the hurt and anger in my heart, leaving room for my love for him once more.
Ethan: When you were fifteen and gave me your first kiss, I wanted to feel free to love you.
Ethan: But I didn’t feel worthy of you.
Ethan: For years, I felt like a lovestruck fool.
Ethan: I wanted to go back to that sweet memory and make it come alive again.
Ethan: I wanted to believe it was real.
Ethan: I wanted to love you, but I didn’t think I could.
“You stupid, stupid man,” I let out on a shuddering sigh. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Ethan: When you were eighteen, I wanted nothing more than to give in to your sweet seduction.
Ethan: You were right there, your lips so close, your body soft and compliant in my arms.
Ethan: Christ, I wanted you. Wanted to be worthy of you.
Ethan: But I didn’t believe I’d ever be lucky enough to win you.
Ethan: I wanted so many things, but I couldn’t have them.
Ethan: You weren’t meant for me.
Ethan: Hurting you tore me to pieces, and I vowed I’d never hurt you again.
Ethan: But I did, didn’t I?
I nodded. “Yeah, baby, you did.”
Ethan: I wish I’d told you about that part of my life.
Ethan: If I could go back in time when you first came home, I would’ve come clean.
Ethan: Before I ever laid my hands on you, I’d have explained my situation, darlin’.
Ethan: But I was still scared, you see.
Ethan: Scared to love you.
Ethan: Scared to hope.
Ethan: Scared to wish for more.
Ethan: But, the thing is…I’m tired of being scared.
I sprang up from my bed, no longer able to lie still as I came to the end of his long string of texts. As I paced back and forth between my bed and my old, white desk, I flexed my hand around my phone. I was strung so tight, my hand close to cramping, and a part of me was ready to skip the rest of his texts and simply go to him. To face him. But another part of me – the romantic, optimist part – had to read the rest.
I switched hands and stared down at the screen.
Ethan: I’m tired of holding back.
Ethan: Knowing that you love me has given me courage.
Ethan: But am I too late? Tell me.
Ethan: Have I ruined everything?
Ethan: Put me out of my misery and just tell me if we’re over, Pen.
Ethan: But if we aren’t, tell me that, too, so I can come to you.
Ethan: What’s it going to be, darlin’?
Ethan: Yes?
Ethan: Or no?
There wasn’t really a choice.
My heart knew it before my head did, but I sprang into action and ran from my room, through the hallway and down the stairs. I let a low shriek in alarm when my foot almost slipped on the last step, making me grab a tight hold on the bannister before I was able to right myself. When I was met by two equally puzzled sets of eyes, I smiled sheepishly.
Louisa was helping Gramps with his coat for his afternoon walk as she’d done so many times before, but now, her hands were stopped midair, his scarf almost slipping from her fingers, and her eyes were as round as saucers.
“I have to go out.”
I scrambled as I tore down my wool coat from the old coat stand placed next to the front door.
“Where’s the fire?” Gramps grumbled from his wheel chair, his eyes close to hitting his hairline.
“I need to speak with Ethan,” I huffed as I struggled to get my arm through a sleeve.
“Here, let me help you, dear,” Louisa murmured as she came to my aid. “And do remember to breathe,” she chuckled. Her sensible character had clearly returned in full. “He can wait a few minutes.”
I nodded, knowing she was right, but my whole body was buzzing. It was as if it had been asleep all week, dull and weak – I’d even thought I was coming down with the flu or a virus – but now, it had come alive.
“Make sure to dress warm,” she said and pulled a soft, rose colored scarf I’d bought in Florence down from the coat stand. “It’s a chilly day.”
“I know you mean well,” I started and smiled at her so as to take the sting out of my words, “but I need to hurry, Louisa.”
She tsked but raised her palms. “Fine, fine. I’m acting like a mother hen, I know. It’s not my place.”
Quickly, I reached for her hand and squeezed it firmly. “You’re a part of our family, so please don’t worry about overstepping boundaries.”
Her eyes warmed. “Thank you.”
I tied the scarf twice around my neck and bent down to give Gramps a hug.
“Bring him back for dinner,” he whispered in my ear.
I grinned as I straightened up. “Sure. If we don’t lose track of time doing other things, I will.”
He frowned. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”
“Probably a good idea.” I turned to the door and opened it. “See you later.”
I grabbed my wallet and keys from the table and with a small wave to them both, I left the house. As the brisk, autumn wind pushed strands from my messy bun away from my face, I fired off a text to Ethan:
Me: Are you home or at the shelter?
Luckily, I didn’t have to long until it vibrated in my hand.
Ethan: Home. Why?
Me: Stay where you are. I’m coming over.
I walked briskly, not even thinking twice about my rash decision to see him. All I knew was that I needed to be with him right away, and the closer I got to his apartment, the quicker my heart fluttered in my chest. The whole week, I’d been in agony. I could admit that to myself now even if I hadn’t wanted to say it to the people closest to me. It was a palpable ache, one that wouldn’t be soothed until I was face to face with him. I didn’t have to walk far, though, before I saw him rounding a corner. I hadn’t anticipated that he would come to me, but the second I laid my eyes on him, I finally realized what I’d known all along.
That despite him hiding the truth from me, I did believe him when he told me he hadn’t cheated.
Maybe he hadn’t trusted me, but we’d come too far now to hold back.
He broke out in a run the minute he saw me, an anxious gleam in his eyes and his strong jaw filled with a week’s worth of stubble, almost completely hiding his beautiful face from me. Even though I couldn’t hear his voice, I could see his lips form my name, and mine stretched into a soft smile when he came to a stop before me.
He put his hands on my cheeks, and I shivered in the cold. I hated the dark circles underneath his eyes, but I couldn’t help but thrill a little if they meant that he’d been as miserable all week as I’d been.
“Penelope, I…”
“Stop right there, Ethan Collins.”
His eyebrows shot up until they were hidden by his hair.
“Hurt me again, and we are over,” I continued. “Do you understand? I don’t care about Privé, or your past conquests, or even why you took the job in the first place. But lie to me again, and we are through. Got it?”
His lips quirked up at the corners. “Bossy Penelope,” he murmured, his thumbs tracing my lips. I shivered at the touch.
“Well?” I demanded.
“Yeah, I got it, darlin’. Can I kiss you now?”
I pursed my lips as I pretended to think about it, but I couldn’t keep fooling him for long.
“Yes,” I whispered. “My answer will always be yes when it comes to you, baby.”
His gaze heated, instantly warming me up, and when he leaned down, I pushed up on my toes, wrapping my hands around his wrists to pull him closer.
When his lips finally closed on mine, I sighed, relieved to taste him again. Kissing him felt like home. Like he was my forever home now. It excited and calmed my heart and soul at the same time, and if we weren’t standing in the middle of the street, I could’ve stood just like this for hours.
But in the end, we pulled apart, and as he rested his forehead against mine, his breath puffing hard against mine, my heart stopped its mad fluttering and settled.
“This week has been hell,” he muttered.
I nodded. “For me, too.”
“I’m so sorry.”
I pulled away and wrapped my arms around his middle. He jumped when my cold hands met his hard, warm skin, and I grinned cheekily at him. “I think dating a former porn star might come in handy.”
His eyes widened in shock before the heat returned.
“Oh, do you now?”
I nibbled on my lower lip. “Mm-hmm. But I won’t do paddles, or rope, or anything too rough. I can go along with handcuffs, as long as they don’t bite into my skin.” I narrowed my eyes. “But don’t even think about the backdoor before we’ve practiced and got some lube. That’s a no-brainer.”
“Can we stop talking about this?” he groaned and shifted on his feet.
I blinked. “Why?”
He pressed his hips, and when I felt his hard cock pressing into my belly, I got it.
“Yeah. We’re in public, for Christ’s sake. You can’t start talking about this kind of stuff and expect me not to get hard, darlin’.”
I giggled. “All right.
How about we go back to your place, then? We’ve got a week’s worth of shenanigans to get up to, and I can’t wait to feel you inside me again.”
“I thought you’d never fucking ask.”
He stepped back to zip up his long coat, no doubt to hide the effects of my words, before he grabbed my hand and we walked briskly in the direction of his home.
I squeezed his hand. “Got any toys, baby? Actually,” I mused, “did you get any for free while you were working at Privé?”
He scowled down at me, so I kept up my one-sided conversation.
“I bet you did, didn’t you? The job must’ve come with several perks.”
“How can you be so cool about this?” he asked when we reached his front door. “A week ago, you were ready to cut off my junk and feed it to my dogs.”
I pulled a face as he held the door open for me.
“Okay, first of all: eeww. And secondly, I trust you. If you said you didn’t cheat, you didn’t cheat. End of.”
We stepped into the elevator, and as the door closed behind us, Ethan pressed the button to his floor before he backed me into a corner.