by Dawn Sister
“Zak!” I pull out of the embrace, forcing myself to focus on him and not on how good it feels to hold him. I shake him gently.
He is quickly in danger of becoming hysterical, and I won’t be able to drive if he’s going out of his mind in the passenger seat. I grab his face with both hands.
“Look at me!” I demand, and he stops stressing with a gasping sob. “This isn’t doing anyone any good, Zak. No matter how bad this is making you feel, believe me your mum is feeling it far worse. Thinking up worst-case scenarios isn’t going to help either of you. Whatever her injuries, she is going to heal a hell of a lot quicker if she doesn’t have to worry about you. You have to be strong for her sake, Zak. You can’t freak out, okay?”
“O-okay.” He nods his head, sniffing and wiping his nose with his sleeve. I hand him a handkerchief. “I-I’m sorry, it’s just, it’s like Dad all over again, but then I had Mom, now I don’t have—”
“You have me!” I grasp his face again, my own eyes burning with tears. My throat has tightened, and I barely manage to continue. “You have me.”
I am quickly losing a grip on my own emotions, which is the worst thing I can allow to happen, but he can’t think that he’s on his own, not ever. He has me. He has me.
***
It’s the middle of rush hour but we still manage to reach the hospital in twenty minutes. It takes another few minutes to find a parking space whilst Zak sits biting his lip, his knees shaking with nervous energy. In the time it took for us to get here, he has been able to tell me what he knows about the accident, which isn’t much. His uncle wasn’t very forthcoming and just told him there’d been an accident, his mum was driving, his aunt was passenger, and Zak needed to get to the hospital as soon as he could. I have to admit it sounds bad but, like I told Zak, there is absolutely no point in going over worst-case scenarios until we find out more. So I try to stay positive.
Zak spots his uncle and one of his cousins standing to one side of the main hospital door. They’re obviously waiting for him. He runs to meet them, and his uncle quickly fills him in about what is going on.
“They’re both bruised and battered, Zak, and your mum has gone up to X-ray because they think she may have broken her wrist and a couple of ribs.” Zak’s uncle turns to me and smiles. “Hi, Niall. Thanks for bringing him.” He offers me his hand to shake, which I do, surprised that he knows who I am without having to be introduced.
“Uncle John, do you think they’ll let me see her?” Zak asks, helpfully telling me the man’s name.
John nods. “As soon as she’s back from X-ray, someone will come and find us. We’ll take you up to the ward so we can wait. There’s a family room.”
A family room, right. Well, that’s the cue for me to duck out, since I’m not family, and they probably have strict rules about this. I’ve fulfilled my duty as neighbour, or friend, or whatever.
Zak moves to follow his uncle into the building, but I pull him back, opening my mouth to speak, except nothing comes out because he reads me like a book, and he knows what I’m about to say.
“Don’t go!” He grabs hold of my hand and grips it tight, linking our fingers together and pulling me to him. “Please?”
I shake my head, my mouth still open but nothing coming out.
“Please, Niall,” he pleads again, pulling me closer, holding my hand against his chest. “I know we need to talk, and I have some proper apologising to do, but don’t leave now, please. I need you.”
The warmth of him infuses me. I can feel the flutter of a pulse in his wrist pressed against mine. I see the desperation in his eyes. I can’t breathe because he is the air, and I missed him so much, even if it was just a day we were apart.
“I can’t do this without you.” He seals the deal. I was never going to refuse, anyway.
I reach up and lay my hand on his cheek. He leans against the touch, and this time I know it isn’t involuntary, or accidental, or imagined on my part. This is real, whatever it is that’s happening. My heart is pounding so hard I’m certain Zak can hear it. At least we’re in the right place if I have a heart attack.
Zak keeps acting as if the fight yesterday was all his fault, and I can’t let him go on thinking that.
“You’re not the only one that needs to apologise, Zak.” I stop him as he begins to form a protest. There’s plenty of time for talking later. “And you know you don’t even need to ask. I’ll stay. I’ll do anything for you.”
“Oh my god, Niall.” He breathes in my ear as he pulls me close, as breathless as me. “I would kiss you, but I don’t think it’s really the time or place. Let’s go find my mom, okay?”
Chapter 22
In which I’m not quite sure how to proceed
We get back from the hospital just after midnight. Rachel is fine; she has a broken wrist and bruised ribs, and they’ve admitted her overnight, just for observation and pain management.
Rachel’s fine. Zak is the one I’m worried about. He hasn’t said a word since we got in the car to come home. Zen was all over him like a rash as soon as we entered the house, but not even that seemed to lift his spirits. He’s standing in the hall, looking the picture of dejection and awkwardness. I know we need to talk, but right now, I think he needs to get some sleep.
I lay my hand on his shoulder, and he immediately turns and melts into my arms, his cheeks wet with tears.
“How do I fix this, Niall?” He sobs into my shoulder as he clings to me, his hands grasping the back of my shirt as if he’s afraid I’ll pull away.
I thought he’d been keeping it together too well. In fact, I knew he had. He’d been all calm and collected in the hospital after his tearful plea on my porch. He’d joked with his mum and his family. I had seen behind the mask, though, and I knew he’d only been waiting until he was alone to let it all out.
I pull him close, stroking his hair, holding him as tightly as I can to provide an anchor. As long as he needs me, I’m here for him. I have no idea what will happen after this is all over, but for now I’m all his.
“You know, your mum is going to be fine, Zak. You don’t have to do anything to fix it. She’ll be home in a couple of days, and then she’ll just need time to heal.”
“I don’t mean my mom, Niall.” He pulls away slightly, and I tip my head back so I can see his face. I frown.
“What do you mean then? W-what do you think needs fixing?”
He grasps my shoulders and holds me at arm’s length, his gaze intense.
“Us, Niall. I mean, how do I fix us?” He waves his hand between us.
“Oh!” I really have no other answer, since I was sure he wouldn’t want to talk now. It’s late, and we’re tired.
“I shouldn’t have said what I said, Niall. I know I hurt you, but the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.” He gulps on a sob and wipes a tear as he lets go of my arms and steps away. “I wanted to apologise straight away, but you were so angry. I didn’t think you would listen. I thought if I left it a couple of days, things would be easier, but then Zen appeared on our deck like a godsend, so I employed him as a messenger. I’m sorry if it was all a bit cheesy, but I just wanted to make it all better.”
“M-make what all b-better, Zak?” I think I need to hear it all from him, because I know what I think he means, but we’ve never once discussed what we are to each other.
“This. Us. Tell me how to fix it, Niall. Last night was like a living hell knowing I’d hurt you so badly. I didn’t even know how much I needed you both until I thought we might never be—oh god, Niall, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He catches his breath. “Please tell me I haven’t messed it all up beyond repair. Tell me what I need to do, Niall. I’ll do anything—anything you want.”
“It shouldn’t be about w-what I w-want, Zak, it should be what we b-both want. And you weren’t the only one to blame. It takes two to fight.”
“Okay.” Zak nods, wiping tears and sniffing before I hand him a handkerchief and urge him to sit before
he falls down, because we’re both exhausted, emotionally as well as physically.
“T-tell me what you want to fix about us, Zak,” I encourage him. I need to know exactly how he feels, exactly what he thinks we are to each other.
“I want things to go back to the way they were before I messed it all up, Niall. Do you think if I apologised, we could get back to that place?”
“Y-you already apologised.” I smile as I remember the flowers, chocolates, cake and balloons. “Zen particularly l-liked the d-dog treats.”
Zak nods, smiling as he wipes his eyes. “And the cake?”
“I d-didn’t let him eat the c-cake.” I shake my head and Zak laughs. Oh, what a lovely sound that is.
“I didn’t bake it for him. I baked it for you.”
“Was that your first attempt at baking anything?” He nods, confirming what I’d thought.
I’m a little overwhelmed, to be honest, that he would go to such lengths to let me know how sorry he was.
“You hated it, didn’t you?” He mistakes my hesitation, shaking his head in despair. “I knew.” He hangs his head, heaving a shuddery sigh. “I knew I’d fucked it up too bad, I knew,” he whispers hoarsely. “We’ll never get back to the way we were, will we?” I place my hand on his arm and he looks up, hope in his lovely blue eyes.
“N-not the way we were, Zak. Better.”
“Better?” He shoots me a quizzical frown, and I nod.
“Better, because we’d be honest with each other, instead of edging around this ‘thing’ that’s going on between us. Better, because you would talk to me before just deciding on a programme of stealth relocation. Better, because you would tell me the real reason I suddenly have a spare toothbrush in my bathroom, extra underwear in my laundry, and a warm body sleeping in my bed, er, spare bed—”
“I love you!” he blurts out before I can go any further, and the words stop me in my tracks. My heart’s doing backflips as I register the absolute honesty in his expression.
I nod, unable to make any sort of reply because of the giant-sized lump that’s formed in my throat. I knew. I realise the clues were there all along, but to hear it from his lips is amazing. Can I allow myself the luxury of loving him back? Before last night, I didn’t realise just what having him in my life meant to me. And now? Now I know. I can’t spend another minute without him; not another minute.
“Say something, Niall.” Zak looks genuinely stricken that I haven’t replied, even though he knows I just can’t rush this.
He once called me an Ent, because I take so long to say anything important, and the next words I say are probably going to be the most important words I’ll ever say to anyone. They will be words I have never spoken to another living being.
“Niall, speak to me,” Zak urges, concern edging his tone now—for me, not for him. “You just went white as a sheet.”
I think I might need to put my head between my knees. Am I having a panic attack? My heart is about to beat out of my chest. Surely he can hear it, because I can hear nothing else.
“Niall?” Zak urges me once again, and I snap out of my anxiety and scowl.
“I’m th-thinking about it, Zak. Th-these things c-can’t be bloody rushed.”
“I know that. What did you think I was doing moving in by stealth?” He chuckles; the tension seems to have gone from his body. It’s taken over mine instead.
“Y-you could’ve just asked me.”
“If I could move in?” He gapes incredulously, and it’s my turn to chuckle.
“Yes, Zak. Did you, even for one minute, think I would say no?”
“I-I didn’t know. I was never sure how you felt. You just seemed happy to have me talk nonstop, but you never gave anything away, not even when I made it so easy for you and so obvious even a blind man would’ve seen how I felt. Mom saw it straight away.”
“Your mum knows how you feel?” I was beginning to relax, but suddenly the panic begins to rise again.
Bloody hell, what was going through her head every time I had dinner over there and Zak left with me instead of staying with her? Surely not ‘that’! I mean, it wasn’t even going through my head. Well, not much anyway.
Zak cups my face in his hands and looks meaningfully into my eyes. I could drown in those eyes so easily, and his touch sends electricity coursing through my body. My brain might still be processing everything, but my body is done thinking.
“Mom knows how we both feel, Niall.” Zak’s voice is soft as his thumbs caress my cheeks, then rub gently over my bottom lip.
Rachel knew how we felt about each other before we even did? I guess she is a mother, and mothers know these things.
“Mom was annoyed with me last night, for being such an ass, but she also blamed herself, because she thought our argument was her fault. She says she should never have asked you to speak to me about that damn bike.”
“Whether she’d asked or not, I would have still felt the same about it.” I lean into his caress, my eyes half closed as I wrap my hand around his.
Holding his hand feels amazing; having him here again feels amazing. Hearing his voice and his laugh is amazing. Hearing him say he loves me, feels amazing. I need to stop beating around the bush and tell him how I feel. I can’t leave it any longer.
“I’ve thought about it.” I want to laugh at the expression on his face right now. It’s like barely contained excitement and dread all mixed into one, as if he’s about to ride the world’s scariest roller coaster. “I love you too.” I nod, and he lets out this long, heavy sigh of relief before his head collapses against my shoulder.
“Oh, thank god for that, Niall. I thought you were going to tell me to fuck off.”
“I would never…” I gasp, but he stops me with fingers placed gently over my mouth.
He smiles, and suddenly everything is fixed. Just like that.
“Now, tell me what you want.” The meaning in Zak’s tone just about threatens to undo me. There is absolutely no way I can misinterpret the heat in his eyes.
“Oh, well, I w-was going to m-make tea, but I think that can wait.”
“Uh-huh!” Zak flicks his eyebrows and sticks his tongue firmly against his top teeth. His grin is wicked and lascivious and altogether far too hot.
I shake my head. “I am twenty years older than you.” I feel the need to remind him, in case he’s forgotten, because we’re about to cross that final line that will turn our friendship into something far more intimate, and people will notice these details, instead of seeing what we mean to each other.
“So?” Zak frowns, as if this was never a consideration for him, and I realise it never was. He never saw an age gap; he just saw me. Only me.
“It might bother some people.” I shrug, because let’s be realistic here, it is bound to bother someone, somewhere down the line. He must know that.
“Does it bother you?” The confidence in Zak’s expression wavers a little, and I immediately dispel his anxiety.
“N-no, not at all.” And I can say that with conviction, because it really doesn’t.
“Then what the rest of the world thinks doesn’t matter, does it?” His smile is so soft and tender my heart beats out a zumba rhythm in my chest.
I wonder how I’ve been so oblivious to these feelings. They were there all the time. I just didn’t see.
“N-no!” I agree with him. “It doesn’t matter in the slightest.”
“So tell me what you want.” He leans close, demanding an answer.
His gaze is intense. It takes my breath away. He takes my breath away.
“W-what I want r-right n-now?” I’m stalling, because I know exactly what I want, but is it what he wants?
“Yes, Niall, right now. Tell me what you want.”
“W-well, some make-up sex would be nice.” I bite my lip as I feel myself blush.
Zak snorts. “Nothing like getting straight to the point, Niall. Make-up sex? We haven’t even kissed yet.”
I tip my head to one side. “Y-yo
u know, when you get to my age, you can’t beat about the bush, Zak.”
“Your age! Niall, you make it sound like you’re ancient, which you’re not.” He snorts again. “Afraid you won’t be able to keep up with me?”
“H-hey!” I poke him in the ribs, and he giggles. “W-with my experience, you should be worried about being able to keep up with me.”
Zak’s eyes narrow, as if I’ve set him a challenge. He leans towards me, grabbing my shoulders and leaning in closer than he’s ever been. “Just take me to bed, Niall Johnston, we’ll just see who comes first.”
“Holy shit!” I gasp, and he sniggers.
I stop him mid-laugh when I turn my head and capture his lips with mine.
With a moan and without hesitation, he opens to me, melting against me and moulding to me as he was always meant to. He tastes and feels and smells wonderful; like Zak.
The kiss quickly becomes heated. There is nothing like beating around the bush, and this is nothing like beating around the bush. I think that challenge might be a close call. I’m so hard I’m afraid I might pass out. I never got so hard so fast.
“Mmm, Zak,” I murmur as his warm tongue licks up the side of my face.
“Mmm, Niall,” he repeats, just as affected as me, until we both realise together, that neither of us is doing any licking.
“Eww, Zen!” I pull away, wiping my face where Zen has joined us in a mutual licking session.
“Zen, that’s just gross.” Zak huffs, wiping dog spit from his cheek. Zen must have thought all his Sundays had come at once being able to lick us both at the same time. “Much as I lurve you—” Zak scratches at Zen’s ears affectionately “—there are just some things you can’t join in, buddy, and make-up sex is one of those things, I’m afraid.”