Julia looked up to Lily, her eyes wide. “Why? How do you know that?”
“My own mother died in childbirth.”
“And you have a younger sister?”
Lily shook her head slightly, careful not to rouse the babe under her chin. “No, our mama died having me. I am the younger sister. I did not even know how she died until I was five. My papa told me. But my sister, her name is Brianna—”
“That is pretty.”
Lily smiled. “It is. In all of our lives, Brianna has never once—even though she must have thought it a thousand times over—blamed me. Never once said I was the cause of our mama’s death.”
“But you were.”
“I was.” Lily’s heart clenched. “And I knew it.”
Lily looked from the girl’s face, her eyes settling on the water. “I have always hated myself for it. Hated myself for killing her. Hated myself for taking her away before I ever knew her.” Her head shook. “I asked Brianna once if Mama ever even got to hold me, touch me. Bree did not know the answer. She just gave me a hug. The only thing she could tell me was that our mother was very kind, and could sing, beautifully. Bree says I have her voice. A voice I never heard—a voice I took from this world.”
Lily looked down to little Julia. “Do you see how important it is? How important you will be to her? Your sister will never be whole, no matter what she does. She will always have this hollow, rawness in her heart—knowing she took her own mama’s life. It is something she will never escape, no matter how she tries.”
“That is stupid.”
“What?”
“I know I just said it, miss, but I didn’t mean it. I was mad. Ain’t no way a babe can kill an adult.”
Julia looked over her shoulder into the woods, then back up to Lily. “No disrespect to you, miss. Papa don’t like me arguing with adults. But my little sister ain’t doin’ no harm. Look at her. She done nothing wrong. She almost died too.”
Lily stared at Julia for an aching moment. Slowly, she shifted the babe downward, her eyes dropping to the fuzz on the babe’s head, then to the closed eyes, little slits wrinkling her face. Tiny nose. Sweet heart-shaped mouth. Lily’s tears started to stream, falling onto the blanket, soaking it.
“Yes.” Lily’s voice cracked. “I suppose you are right.”
Julia’s small hand wedged between Lily and the babe. “I think I need to take my sister from you, miss. Don’t want her to get cold, what with your wet tears.”
Lily smiled through her tears, loath to relinquish the babe. But she let little Julia take the babe, gently, from her arms.
“Best get back to the house, miss. Papa will be worried if we are not there—his girls.”
Lily nodded, her hand wrapping along the crown of Julia’s head, stroking her brown hair. “Yes. Let us return.”
They started walking back through the woods.
“You are going to be the very best big sister, Julia. I can already see it.”
Julia looked over her shoulder up to Lily. “I plan to, miss. I plan to.”
{ Chapter 18 • Marquess of Fortune }
“You have not said five words since we left the Fallow family.” Garek’s deep voice slipped through the air, entering Lily’s thoughts.
His footsteps crunched along the rocks lining the river they had travelled parallel to for most of the day. The crunching stopped as Garek came to a stand next to her.
Lily looked over the water to a wide green field dotted with bleating sheep. The sun had dipped to the tips of far-off trees. She propped her heel up along the large boulder she sat on, wedging her toes into the pebbles. “Will we reach Coldstream by nightfall?”
“No. I had hoped to. But no. One more night.”
Lily nodded, not looking up at Garek even though she could feel him staring down at her. “I did not like leaving them.”
“No. But there was little more we could do for them. I arranged with the wet nurse for her services for the next six months. And their neighbor said she would care for the household and cook until I can send a proper nursemaid when I arrive back at Wotherfeld. They will be able to use her for as long as they need.”
Lily glanced up at him. The sunlight was coaxing out the blue in his eyes. “It is generous of you.”
He shrugged, looking across the river to the field. “I can think of nothing better to do with the Wotherfeld fortune. It should do some good in this world.”
Garek sighed, rubbing several days’ worth of dark stubble along his jaw. “Are you tired?”
Lily shook her head.
“I am sorry you had to witness that, Lily. I did not intend—”
“No. It is fine. If you recall, I am sturdier than my gentle-bred backbone would have one believe.”
“I do recall.” A slow smile lifted his right cheek.
“In all of that bad, it was good for me to be there. To witness it. It reminded me of you—the you from a different time.”
His mouth pulled back into a hard line. “I am still the same person, Lily.”
She stared up at him, watching his face, searching for the man, the soul she had adored. “I am beginning to see that. Last night I recognized you. You have changed, but you are still capable of such good. Compassion. What you can do with your hands. How you can save another. How you can save a babe that was defenseless against death.”
“It was right, Lily. It felt right. Even in the cruelty of death, it felt right.” His hand scratched the back of his hair, his head shaking. “Not leaving that family to suffer the death alone. Not giving up on the babe.”
“That was the man I loved.” A gentle smile came to her lips, hesitant. “I am glad you have not lost it.”
Garek nodded, walking around her feet to reach the side of the boulder where there was space for him. He sat, propping his hands on his knees, his eyes on the rolling water. “I did lose it, Lily. You are not wrong about that. I lost that—who I was—for some time. But I am trying to find it again.”
Lily stared at his profile, watching the strength of his jawline, the crinkle at the corner of his hazel eyes. He was searching. Just as much as her, if not more. Searching for a life worth living.
She took a deep breath, slowly exhaling it. “Seeing all of that—seeing a family torn apart. Life gone. It reminded me that I am nothing—that my problems, my anger, my fear—it is nothing compared to what just happened to the Fallows. My world had become so small in London—dress, dance, eat—the same people, again and again. Abundance in even the smallest corner. I had lost sight of just how cruel the world can be.”
“Yet beautiful—that babe breathing—beautiful,” he said, his eyes far-off.
Her lips curled into the softest smile at him. Of course he would see beauty in that. In the smallest thing. A breath. That was the man she had known. “Do you know I used to be so certain, Garek?”
He looked to her. “Certain of what?”
“Long ago, with you—I was certain of everything. That you would save Brianna. That you loved me. That you would… that you would never hurt me.”
“And now?”
“I am certain of nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not since you left me.”
Garek’s hazel eyes pinned her. “And do you need certainty to move onward?”
She shrugged. “I have lived with this, without certainty before—after you left, I did not know how to move forward. So I hoped if I cared about something—anything—then I could find feeling again. Find certainty. Find a way forward. And the easiest things to care about were dresses, and parties, and people I did not care for, and fine gentlemen telling me I was delightful. All the very wrong things to care upon, but I did not stop. I just wanted to feel something again. Anything.”
“So did you?”
“No. No feeling. Just emptiness.” Her cheek lifted in an aching half smile. “I never forgot you, Garek. Never. No matter what you saw in London.”
Lily leaned forward, plucking a stem of ragwort that grew from a mossy crack
in the rock beside her knee. She rolled it in her fingers, staring at the yellow petals. “But I did forget just how important people—the very few that are truly loved—are the only thing that should matter. Those moments of happiness with them. Happiness, so that when the bad comes, there is something to hold onto. Even if it is only a memory. Little Julia will have that—memories of her mother—only a few, but at least she will have those.”
She plucked at the yellow petals of the ragwort, the silky powder of the flower rubbing onto her bare fingers. Her voice went quiet. “Do you remember, Garek, when I was talking about striving for normal?”
“Yes.”
She gathered breath deep into her chest. If she was going to say this, admit to this truth that had sat upon her for her entire life, then she could not hide.
She looked up from the flower, meeting Garek’s eyes. “I realized when I was talking with little Julia that I have never been normal. I will always be a babe that killed her mother.”
“Lils. No.” His palm instantly slipped onto her cheek.
“It is true, Garek. I have known it my whole life. How is being a babe that killed her mother normal? I will always live with that darkness—that sadness for what never was. There was never a mother for me. And I took her from Brianna—she only had her for a little while, a few years.” Tears started to slide down her cheeks. “But it was too short. Too short for Bree—I took her mama away from her. I killed my own mother. How could I ever be normal knowing that?”
Garek’s other hand clamped onto her face, holding her from turning from him. “You cannot bear the blame for that, Lily. You cannot. It was never your fault. You were only an innocent babe, fighting to live.”
She chuckled through a sob gripping her chest. “I know. Little Julia told me that very same thing. Even a five-year-old knows it. I know it.”
Her head shook slightly in his grip, swallowing a sob threatening to overtake her body. “But that does not make me believe it. Not in my heart. I do not think I can ever rid myself of it. My mother left me. She did not fight for me. She left and abandoned me with this…this burden, this pain in my heart that I cannot escape, no matter what I do.”
“Lils…hell…” Garek’s voice raw, he pulled her onto his chest, holding her as silent sobs racked her body. His hand clutched the back of her neck as his lips settled onto the crown of her head. “I would give anything to take this pain from you, Lils.”
He gripped her in silence for long minutes, until the sun began to disappear beyond the far-off trees.
Tears spent, her breath solid in her lungs once more, her fingers crawled up onto his chest, touching the cloth of his jacket that was now sopped by her tears.
She leaned backward, and Garek slightly loosened his hold on her, but kept his arms around her body, his hands wrapped behind her waist.
Clearing his throat, his head tilted to the horses by the bank of the river. “I do not want to leave this moment, Lils, but we need to make way to the next inn before nightfall.”
Lily nodded, silent, numb.
~~~
The last glow of the evening sky waned, thick darkness setting in just as their horses came to a stop before the stable at the Wallton Inn.
Garek had first checked on availability and purchased them a room for the night while Lily waited outside on her horse, staring at the darkening orange-streaked sky.
After leading both of their horses to the stable, Garek came to her side to help her dismount, waiting patiently as she loosened the reins she had wrapped tightly about her palms during the silent ride.
Feet on the hay-strewn dirt, Lily stripped off her gloves and flexed blood back into her hands. Garek grabbed the reins of both horses, leading them into the long barn. Lily followed a few steps, stopping just outside the opening as a stable boy ran up to Garek, taking the horses.
Garek slipped him a coin, and the boy’s eyes went wide. The boy turned with a near skip, leading the horses to empty stalls.
Turning back to her, Garek peeled off his gloves as he walked out of the deep shadows of the barn and into the yellow light of the lanterns hanging aside the main opening of the stables.
He paused next to her, holding his hand out toward the inn door, and started walking.
Lily didn’t follow, her feet solidly stuck.
A few steps by himself, and Garek spun back to her. “Are you not ready to go in, Lily?”
Words lodged in her mouth, her tongue suddenly foreign to her. She shook her head.
Instant concern lined Garek’s brow as he moved back to her.
Lily glanced about. They were fully alone outside the inn, save for the stable boy deep in the barn.
Garek’s fingers went to her upper arm in a gentle stroke. “What is it, Lils?”
Lily looked up, finding his hazel eyes as her tongue uncurled. “You did not fight for me, Garek.”
“What?”
“Of everything, it is the one thing I cannot come to terms with. What has happened since we left Notlund I can reconcile in my mind. But back in Annadale. You left. You took the money from Brianna and left. The money was more important. More important than me. You could have stayed. Fought Brianna. Not believed that I would have condemned you. Come for me. Talked to me.”
His hands came up, palms open to her. “Lily—”
“No.” She cut him off, but her words were soft, raw. “You took the money, Garek. You took it and left. You did not stay and fight for me. Fight for our love.”
His head dropped, shaking as he raked his fingers through his hair. “What the hell do you think I have been doing for the past eighteen months, Lily?” His eyes came up to her, a hard glint in them. “I have been fighting. Fighting every damn step of the way. Fighting to get out of prison. To make a life. Make a life where you would want me again. A life that would make you love me again. And all that time, fighting my own damn self, my own hatred. Even with the hatred, I was fighting for you.”
“But not in the instant it mattered most—not in the moment you took that money and walked away from me. We could have avoided all of this. But I was not more important than that money.”
Garek grabbed her arm, ushering her to the side of the stable and trapping her against the wood slats of the barn wall. He leaned in, his voice vehement. “Do not speak idiocy, Lily. You were always more important than the money.”
“Then why did you do it?” She stared up at him, her chest rising high as the ire in her belly rose. “Brianna told me that it was the money you were after, but I could never believe it. But maybe it was true—true all along. You were always after the money. Maybe even now you think to entitle yourself to my dowry.”
His hand slammed against the wooden slat beside her head. Moving his face close to her, his voice tinged with bitterness. “I don’t need your damn dowry, Lily.”
He heaved a breath and then pushed off from the wall, giving her space. “I was ashamed, Lily. Ashamed.”
His head tilted back with a heavy sigh, his face to the dark sky. “I had no money. No prospect to give you a life.”
Garek’s eyes dropped to her. “What was I supposed to stay and fight for, Lily? Stay and fight to put you into poverty? Stay and fight, only to have to watch your face when they dragged me off to prison?”
She rocked back on her heels, leaning against the wall of the stable as her arms wrapped her belly. “Stay and fight for me, Garek. I had my dowry. We could have left together—disappeared.”
He turned fully from her, his head hung as his words slipped low into the darkness. “I took the money because it meant I could correct my failure of a life—it could save the one man that I owed my life to.”
Staring at the back of Garek’s dark hair, it took long seconds for the words to settle into Lily’s mind. “Your uncle? How? Why did you not tell me?”
“I had a life before you, Lily. Responsibilities to that life, what I had done, what I had not done. And that day…that day with Brianna, she forced an impossible choice upon
me. And I was ashamed. My uncle was in prison—debtors’ prison.”
He looked over his shoulder to her but kept his distance. “He was in there because of me. Because of all the debt he incurred in order to keep me at Dr. Halowell’s practice. I never knew what he did until they came for him. Never knew my time there was so costly. He always told me everything was well managed. And I believed him. Did not think to ask. When they finally came for him, the debts were far too insurmountable.”
“Garek, why did you not tell me?”
“I was too ashamed to tell you. I did not take care of my own life—my own responsibilities, and he suffered for it—I could not afford to get him out—especially when he needed it most. A complete failure.”
Lily’s eyes narrowed at him. “What does that mean, Garek, ‘when he needed it most’?”
“He was dying, Lily. Dying in that filthy prison and that money from your sister was the only way I could get him out. I found out the day I left Annadale, right before Brianna visited me, that he was not long for this earth. That he was dying in the stench of that place. And then your sister walked in and offered me the money. Offered me the exact thing I needed to save him.”
Garek shrugged, his hands tightening into fists. “So yes. Yes, I damn well took it. I had already lost you. Brianna convinced me of that. So I took the money to get him out. I tried to save the one thing that still meant anything to me.”
Lily’s arms dropped to her sides and she took one step away from the wall toward him. “And did you save him?”
“Yes. I saved him from prison.” Garek exhaled, heavy. “But I was too late. Death was already consuming him. He died two months after I got him out. But I was in prison, not there with him at the end. Right after I handed over the money to clear his debts, I was tossed into Newgate for robbing graves.”
“Did you get to see him? Speak to him?”
“No. I did not get to talk to him. Apologize. Thank him. Ask for forgiveness. None of that.” His head bowed. “He would be so disappointed in me.”
She took another small step toward him, her voice soft. “Why?”
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