‘And how did you come to know Hattie?’
How did I come to know Hattie; my mind repeated. For this, I needed to think quickly and I was out alone on a branch. Not knowing how far off the ground I was or if indeed, it was safe to jump. I took the plunge.
‘He did me a favor once, and now it is payback time.’
‘And what did he do for you?’
I was startled, he had asked a question which was I not only unprepared for, but also had no answer for. And then I became angry as he was the one in prison, he was the one that needed help, not me.
‘Shouldn't you be more concerned with how Hattie is planning to get you out of here?’
‘I should,’ he was rolling the words around his lips and taking his time to answer while looking me up and down. He was trying to work me to assess how I could be of value to him. ‘But you could be anybody, you could be a setup.’
‘A setup for what?’
‘The money. And if you knew anything about me you would know what I'm talking about.’ His steady gaze pinned its focal points on me.
Staring at this man, who looked like John, I found this one reality was now split in two. And here I saw myself, standing in John's bedroom with the newspaper cuttings in my hand and reading about the failed bank robbery.
‘The money wasn't found,’ I found myself saying aloud.
‘Yeah, the money wasn't found.’
Awaking, I looked at this man called Jacob Barba, this reality had eclipsed the other.
‘We did the robbery, but someone else has got the money and they didn't intend sharing it. Look, would you do me a favor and go and get me a cup of coffee with two sugars and a candy bar? You didn't bring me anything, did you? No, I thought not.’
Still trapped in my reverie, I was caught seeing a big stash of money which vanished when a candy bar and a cup of coffee appeared.
‘From the cafeteria over there,’ he nodded.
Pushing the chair away, I stood up. Eyes were alerted to what I was doing and looking across at the ceiling, I saw the surveillance cameras. I was being watched; everything was recorded. Going across to the tabletop stand where a couple of older ladies held fort, I asked for two cups of coffee and a couple of large candy bars. It cost me over ten dollars.
Dropping the down the candy bars before I put down the cups, he quickly grabbed them both and began stripping off the wrapper. The chocolate was in his mouth and being swallowed while his eyes watched me.
‘I don't get any visitors,’ his eyes never wavered.
I tried not to watch him eat, tried not to make similarities to him and a hyena tearing off flesh. I tried to remember that he was a man and desperate while I tried to remember that he wasn’t John.
‘So, how is he going to get me out of here?’ he asked, pushing the last piece of chocolate into his mouth.
‘I think he wants to know where the money’s gone,’ I was making this up as I was going along, trying not to watch him, but he was now picking up the second bar, he was a savage.
‘He's got the money.’
‘Then if he has, why is he living off Angel?’
‘Whose Angel?’ and now he was frowning, and the fear of the wild took hold of him.
‘Just a friend, just someone who felt sorry for him and taken him in and given him a job,’ I looked away because it suddenly clicked what Hattie told me that, Janice and Angel were one and the same person. So, had she been involved with this man, Jacob Barba? Was she at some point his girlfriend? Somehow, this didn’t seem too incredible.
‘She must be an angel to have anything to do with Hattie,’ he picked up his coffee and slurped it.
If there is any noise that drives me to distraction, it is someone drinking or eating badly. I felt I could lean across and slap him. Watching his mouth, my eyes gleamed with hate. This needed a great deal of self-control.
‘Is it so impossible for you to eat like a person, instead of an animal?’
‘Well, who would have thought a skinny chick like you would have a temper? Don't worry, I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole.’
‘The feeling’s mutual,’ I fumed as my face grew red hot with anger. ‘You know, I don't have to be here. It's you who wants to get out of this place, not me. I'll be walking out of here with all the other visitors when the bell goes.’
With eyes which had been so sure of himself and cocky; desperation flung its selfishness to my face. ‘I want out of here. I can't take this anymore. Being cooped up like a battery chicken. I need to know why Janice hasn't visited me. She's my woman. Do you know Janice?’
‘No.’
‘You've never met her?’
‘No.’
‘Then, where the hell is she? I want to know if she is all right.’
‘I should imagine she’s well. She probably made a new life for herself and found someone else.’
‘She would never do that to me,’ he was staring at me, his eyes cracked with ice. ‘She loves me, she told me so.’
This made me smile, the oldest line in the book and he fell for it.
‘What are you smiling at?’ like a maimed animal he was out for his last kill.
‘Love. What is love? It's a foolish idea created by romantics. You’re hanging on to a dream. Love is really just need. Once you get over the need for the other person, then it's all finished.’
‘Janice and I are married. She was going to have my kid when this happened and I got locked up in here good and proper.’
‘You two are married?’
‘Yeah. We swore ourselves to each other. We were doing this one job to set us up for life.’
The way he stared; it was as if he was trying to convince me. He had been lied to. A bully of a man had been fooled. I knew that feeling, it was the worst type of betrayal and I felt sorry for him.
‘Perhaps, you should forget about her.’
‘I can't, she's my life,’ he looked as if he was about to go mad with grief. ‘You know something, don't you?’
I tried my best to look surprised as if I did not know what he was talking about. John used to say the only thing I didn’t lack was over the top drama, and that I would be hopeless at keeping a secret because, I was too anxious to let the world know what I thought, felt or wanted. With my eyes open wide, I was attempting to look incredulous.
Again, my wrist was grabbed, and I was pulled across the table, his face in my face and I could smell the chocolate on his breath.
‘You know Janice, don't you?’
‘No, no I don't.’
‘Don't lie to me.’
‘Barba, take your hands off your visitor.’ A guard was making his way towards our table. ‘Do I have to tell you again?’
Instantly, Jacob Barba's hand flew from mine; the steel trap had released me and I was given my freedom back, but he had terrified me. The guard was now at the table assessing what had gone on between us. He still had his hand on his baton as if he was itching to use it.
Jacob Barba's face looked haunted. He was looking in front of him with a maniac horror. The glamour of being someone big in this trapped community emptied. He hated every moment he was here. I understood what I had done, I had destroyed the illusion of the only thing which was keeping him together. And that was to get him out and be with Janice. But Janice had left him behind, she had found someone else, my husband. Seeing this haunted look raking his face, I knew we two had something in common, we both had been fooled. Perhaps it was this which decided what I would do next. But isn't this what happens when you're living life for real and not just existing within it? You throw the dice and take it at face value whatever may come up.
‘Well Barba, you don’t deserve visitors when you attack them like that.’ The guard was hanging over him, his hand gripping and un-gripping his baton. He was waiting for that moment when he could use it, legally.
‘I'm sorry sir, it won't happen again.’
‘Make sure it doesn't, Barba. You don't get many visitors so make sure you don't
lose this one.’
‘Yes sir,’ Jacob Barba was waiting for the prison guard to walk away. The stark stare on his face, the way he gripped his teeth, revealed how much he hated being here. I could physically feel his tension.
Noting all of this, I went ahead with my thoughts. ‘I think there might be a way in which we could get you out.’
Instantly, Jacob Barba's eyes clung on to mine. As if he was jumping off a cliff and looking where he could catch hold to land and this time, it was me.
‘You're not lying to me? You're not playing me for a sucker and then just waiting until this visit's over and never coming back to see me again?’
I had never witnessed such desperation before on another's face. I was quickly aware that I was probably his only hope.
12
When the bell went at the end of visiting time, the prison guards straightened in preparation for the next part of the organized routine. At other tables, quick embraces were stolen from husband to wife. An emotional time for some; a time of separation when the free could return to the wild. The prisoners stood and began walking to the back of the room waiting to be taken back to that part of the prison which was their home. Except for the movement of chairs and other furniture, the entire room was bereft of human voices. A silent time, a time of resignation. Never had I witness a scene like this before; it was almost science-fictional as I listened to the shuffling of bodies moving back into the darkness of their acceptance.
Still, with his eyes on me, Jacob Barba stood watching as in silent conversation. He was willing me to remember. 'You promise to get me out,' his eyes said, 'don't let me down because, if you do,' and then he turned his head and joined the queue. No-one turned their heads for that last quick goodbye. The nod which said, 'see you in two weeks’ time,' these thoughts had already been said. And the days, weeks, months and years were already being ticked off until the day of their release.
To say I felt strange with the difference was an understatement. I caught the bus to the station and waited on the platform to return to the place which had become my home. In two hours, I had changed so much, like I had been initiated into a secret society where only a few members were allowed to join. My heartbeat with a different rhythm. I felt so oddly different. I was not me anymore because I could not smile.
What was it that had happened to me?
There is something unique in visiting a stranger and especially meeting someone held captive in something best described as a castle. There is a magic to it, and I was entranced. With all the elements of the romance of a clandestine meeting, I had conjoined my mind to his and found that his desires had become my own. He needed to be free, and I needed him to be freed for my future to move on.
And yet, there was something even deeper going on with me. It was John. If I could have had John again, I would have him like this. To love me with a passion and be mad like a hero and throw any common sense or preservation of life to the wind. He would live every day of his life as if it was his first, and our thoughts and our words would be shared only with each other. But John had not been this. This other man was reckless. He would do things just for the hell of it. Take me in his arms knowing, God help me, this was wrong. We would stand at the devil’s altar and swear our souls away for never, ever would we be parted.
But what am I doing? Am I wrapping myself up in this fantasy and falling madly in love with a dream? Jacob was in love with an idea. More fool her not to realize what she had when she threw him away for my John.
Now, I was even more determined to get him out so that he could see for himself, the falseness of his beloved's emotions.
I think I am falling in love with him or, am I fooling myself? I am nearly ten years older than he, and now, my face complete with scars was a carnival of macabre. This man would not want me. Perhaps not yet, perhaps there might be a future someday.
I rang for the car and waited at the station. The stationers were still open, so I wandered in and looked at the glossy shelves of magazines. I had left my magazine on the train for someone, in their boredom could pick up and read. A Healthy Life was the title of the magazine which caught my eye. Taking it off the shelf, I began flicking through the journal, and as I did, already thoughts were beginning to form ideas in my mind.
Arriving along the driveway to the house, Hattie was waiting for me. One fist in the other, he was comforting his fist with the smooth feel of his hand. A little dumpy chap, he was indifferent to the cold of the coming winters’ day. His freezing hands were touching mine as if he was trying to steal any of the contact I had had with Jacob Barba. His touch was repellent.
‘Where is Angel?’ I asked now we were inside, and the warmth of the heating was beginning to creep through my flesh and into my bones. I never realized I had been so cold.
‘She's out, she's gone to see someone.’
Hattie's eyes were all over me, he was too anxious in his search for signs that he made me shudder. We shared no friendship together, it was only mutual benefit which had brought us together, how could anyone have any attraction to him. How did he ever think he could attract someone like Jacob Barba?
‘How is he? What did he say? Did he ask about me?’ he was pawing me touching me, and it felt ghastly.
‘Stop it,’ I turned on him and was surprised that he scurried back as if he were some weird monstrosity which shouldn’t be seen by the daylight. ‘Let me take my coat off first. I have a headache; I need to have a drink. The coffee they serve in that place is far too bitter.’
‘Yes, yes, of course. Come on into the lounge, we've got the place to ourselves while she's away, and I'll get you something to drink. Oh, and some tablets for your headache.’
And then he was gone, burrowing into the framework of the house like a mole which had become active out of the light.
Following him, I took off my shoes which had become too hard and spiteful for my feet. Rubbing my legs and ankles, I went into the lounge to take a chair near the fire.
Hurriedly, he returned with a bottle of tablets and a glass of water, his need to please me annoyed me even more. Sitting down like a little woman, a mother frantic to hear that her beloved and errant son was well and that, the rumors which were spread about him were all lies. I could have laughed at Hattie if he was not so pathetic.
‘Well,’ he said, paying no heed as I rubbed my stocking feet. ‘How is he? Did he look well? Is the food agreeing with him? Is he still on his own or is he sharing a cell with someone else?’
‘I don't know.’ I was angry. In some inexplicable way, I had brought something of Jacob back with me.
Hattie fell back as if he had been hit. A wounded creature with eyes like a puppy, he was looking at me wondering what he had done wrong.
‘We never talked about anything except his need to get out,’ I relented for even I don't like kicking puppies.‘He was asking after Janice,’ both feet now were by the fire, I sat back into the thick plush fabric of the armchair. ‘He was more concerned about Janice than himself. He was concerned she was ill. He could not understand why she had never visited him.’
The sound of irony hit back in a quick gasp of a laugh. ‘Janice is dead to him, or rather, he is dead to her.’ Hattie took up the glass by his side and downed it with his disappointment. Like a child who had its lollipop taken away. Bitterness, hurt, and resentment, he was working out how to pay back the offense.
‘What are you drinking?’
‘Oh. Did you want a drink? I thought with you having a headache.’
‘I'll have a brandy,’ I interrupted.
‘Brandy,’ he repeated getting up to go to the drinks table.
At this moment, I was powerful with knowledge which Hattie wanted and while I held on to it, he was my obedient servant. I waited like a proud queen, listening to the cut and split of crystal against crystal, then the tumbling of liquid into the vessel, followed by the thud of crystal decanter placed back onto a silver surface and then my drink was held out in front of me. A strange
sensation to be treated with such reverence, I could come to enjoy it.
So full a glass but I drank, feeling and enjoying the warmth penetrating as it coursed through my frozen thin body. While waiting for Pesker to arrive, I had become cold, and when the body becomes too cold the mind thrashes around for help. In this state, everything else is pushed away into the perimeter of survival. Hattie’s two bright, eager eyes were still on me, eating away, gnawing into the flesh of my mind.
The fire crackled and threw out flares of brightened light, large shafts of gold where imagination finds its place in the corners of the dark. I must have become too cold for conscience sensibility in that tangled light of the evaporating day, I saw figures which should not have been there. John was beside Jacob, they were both looking at me as if the dead were waiting for my arrival from the grave. Rubbing my eyes, they were gone instantly. With a quick movement of my head, I saw Hattie's eyes waiting for me to speak.
‘I told him you had an idea on how to get him out,’ I stared at him just as I too had been regarded by ghosts.
‘Yes, of course I would get him out if I knew how to do it,’ Hattie was looking frantic, moving his head from one side to another.’
‘I thought you said you had a plan.’
‘Yes, yes, I do but my plan is only to get him out, I have no ideas how to go about it?’
‘But that's what I told him. It’s what I promised him. This is the message I relayed to him.’
‘Yes, yes, I know.’
‘But you allowed me to go there with idle promises. You allowed me to lead him on with false hopes of freedom.’
‘No, no, I mean to get him out. I know he can't stand it in there anymore. I can't stand him being in there either’ He was becoming frantic, like an ensnared rabbit endangering himself deeper by its panic into the iron teeth of the trap.
‘You know what will happen to him if he stays in there any longer? He will die.’
‘Yes, yes I know. Please don't go on.’ His hand was on his cheek, to his forehead and then to his heart.’
‘He will kill himself by his own hand.’ I was watching Hattie with some strange fascination, like an experiment on what happens to someone put under a great deal of unwanted pressure.
Angel Page 13