‘What's it to you what I do?’
But what did I expect? He was never going to be anything other than hostile to me, there was never going to be anything else. I had my chance some years ago, with my version of Jacob in John. This one belonged to Angel, or rather Janice.
‘I suppose it's really none of my business,’ I replied, trying to accept this fact. ‘Yet, I put myself at risk coming in here and doing this for you.’
‘Yeah,’ he regarded my answer thoughtfully, ‘You did, didn't you? Why did you do this for me? What’s in it for you?’
Here was a dangerous man, and someone who viewed me equally as being dangerous to him. By the way he looked and spoke, I knew he didn't like me. The person he was still in love with was Janice. Jealousy stared me in the eye, and I desired passionately to destroy the halcyon image he had of this woman.
‘I had a man who I thought loved me,’ I troubled my thoughts with an inaccurate memory, stealing events which had happened from my past and improving on them with how Janice had treated John. ‘But he was leading a double life. And when I was of no use to him, he dropped me. He took everything I had, all my money including my heart and gave it to someone else.’
I looked to see if he was listening and I was gratified to find he was still attending.
‘I'm doing this favor for Hattie,’ I continued, ‘Because he is going to do the same for me. That's our bargain because I also know what it's like to be double-crossed.’
‘You and I are not alike,’ he emphasized making the distance between us even greater. ‘If this man duped you then you were a fool to trust him in the first place. And I pity you; Janice would never do anything to me like that. She loves me. She's had my kid, and my boy or girl will be four years old by now. You see,’ he was becoming more confident as he spoke, ‘You and I are wildly different. It's not all about the money with me. Yeah, sure, I want to find the guy who squealed on me, but first I want to see if Janice is okay. I'll make sure I look after her. We'll go to South America and get lost somewhere and change our names and begin a new life together with our kid.’
While I looked at him, this stupid thought crept into my head of what a friend from my previous life said about another. It had been an office scandal; the boyfriend had an affair with a married woman. Emma chose to believe his story that he did not sleep with her, he said what she heard was a malicious lie. “She's living in Egypt on the river called denial,” this friend spoke in my ear. A funny joke and I laughed at the time, but now the lucidity of its reality fell into place, for he was living in a world of illusion and still hanging on to it.
And I was looking at this Jacob Barba and feeling sorry for him but also felt a frenetic attack of frustration. In the five years he had been in prison, had it never occurred to him that she had dropped him and gone on to another. If only John had been as faithful as Jacob.
‘Well, do me a favor,’ I began for I felt the loneliness of my position; I was looking at real love and the woman he loved did not deserve it.
‘What's that?’
‘When you see Hattie, be kind to him.’
‘What, to that fag?’
‘Yes, to that man, he really cares about you.’
‘Do you want to know what I really think about him? I think the likes of him should be done away with. He's sick and perverted. They are the ones who should be locked up, not me.’
‘But he's doing this all for you.’ Not one word of kindness or compassion, not for me nor Hattie or anyone else except for his woman and the child he imagined he had.
‘I'll take what he's got to offer but if he comes anywhere near me, I'll swear, I'll kill him.’
‘But.’
‘But nothing, you listen to me, I don't want to know your sick motives for getting me out, and I'd sooner you kept them to yourself. Your sort has always disgusted me, playing the Good Samaritan. Do you get some kick out of it? Does it make you feel good? Don't come to me for sympathy because you've made a mess of your life. My life is going along fine, okay?’
I had been slapped in the face with the cruel, cold hand of reality. This man may look the image of John twenty years ago but to fool myself that he held anything of John's gentle nature was sheer ludicrous. Yet, it hurt me to see how much he cared for Janice. I wanted to hit back in a way that would hurt him just as much.
‘Well, I guess I've done what I have come here to do,’ I said resuming the smile I did not feel. ‘Why don't you try one of your chocolates to get the ball rolling?’
He looked at the chocolates and then back at me. It pleased me that even with him, there was a deal of uncertainty that possibly he was a little afraid of what the fates had in store for him.
‘And once you have eaten those four, I suggest you start an argument with me so I will get thrown out.’
Fascinated, I watched as he picked up the first of the poisoned chocolates. He held it between his thumb and index finger, holding it in the air as if he were seeing Macbeth's dagger doubting its impudence and judging to see if it really was corporeal. Another quick glance at me, perhaps for my approval, the gentle nod which said go ahead. This is the sleeping draught Juliet drank, so when you too awake, you also will find yourself free, But, 'What if this is poison?'
When he took his first bite, I wanted to know how it tasted. Could he detect the poison in the chocolate but there was worse to be found in the woman he loved. He rolled his eyes around as if he were sensing and feeling for this duplicitous dream. And then he swallowed and when he gulped down the poison, so did I, I consciously ingested the makings of my fate.
Gone has passed the time when life could remain as it was; the circle of events had begun. He took out another chocolate in the same manner and bit into it with the growing relish of acceptance. Then after the third came the last and final chalice of poison. He had eaten his fill and was now waiting for the decision to be made in his body.
‘Now you must start arguing with me.’ I startled myself when hearing the agitation in my voice, as I suddenly became cognizant that he was about to become extremely ill. I did not want to be there when it happened, but somehow Jacob seeing my fear, misinterpret my alarm.
‘What’s this?’ he stood pushing away his chair with the back of his legs. ‘Have you come here to kill me?’
‘No, no never,’ and now I too was standing, responding to his reactions in the same manner. ‘It's part of the plan. I must leave here before you start feeling the effects.’
His eyes were bright with imagined fear, he saw things, projected happenings and yet he still was not arguing. I looked across at the guards who were forgetting themselves and exchanging thoughts and laughing. They hadn’t noticed we were both standing and so I sat down. I could not walk out yet. I had to wait until the visiting time was over. And if he had the attack while I was there, for I judged it would happen soon, then my own freedom would be at risk.
‘As it ever occurred to you that your Janice is not faithful,’ I hissed to him. There I had said it. I had thrown the final poisoned chalice of truth into his face, and his eyes and his ears were now stained with the unthinkable truth.
‘What did you say?’ he was staring down at me.
‘I think you heard. You know like I do that she has been unfaithful to you.’
He made a grab for me. I saw his hands coming for my throat. I moved out of his way, but he was big and while he was proportionality the same size as John, John was soft while Jacob was dense with muscles. And I was in his sturdy embrace. I could smell the scent of his flesh, the hormones of sweat condensed with fear. His body burnt with heat as two hands encircled my throat and I knew he was going to crush me to death.
And then, suddenly, he was leaning very heavily on me as I became sentient that the guards were now on him and pulling him off me and in the battle, Jacob Barba received a blow to his head.
While Jacob Barba was being dragged away, semi-conscious of what happened. I remained there with my hands on my throat, where his fingers
had indented my neck. Wheezing from the tenderness and shock, I was taken out of the visiting room to sit in a small room.
‘I knew we should have prevented you from seeing him,’ began another of the guards. ‘He has become increasingly violent.’
‘What did you say to him?’ it was the guard who had threatened me from the previous time.
It was self-protection and the need to keep myself free that I gave enough of what I thought they should know. ‘He kept on asking me about someone called Janice. I told him I didn't know who he was talking about.’
‘Janice again,’ this was the first and I would prefer to think, kinder guard.
‘And so, I told him I didn't know who Janice was or what had happened to her and that's when he started becoming crazy. And so, I said that it might be an idea to forget her because it looked to me that she had forgotten him.’ I looked from one guard to the other, they too were exchanging looks and thoughts. ‘I'm sorry, I didn't realize he would be so upset. I supposed I should have guessed.’
It was fear believing that I had placed myself in danger of being locked up and starved of my freedom, and so I faked a few tears and said I was doing this visit for my mother. She had been a friend of Jacob Barba's mother those many years ago.
The wonderful sensation of being released from prison hit me. My neck was still a little tender, but I could breathe.
15
Catching the bus back to the station, ever worried that the hand of judgment was about to hang heavy on my shoulder at any moment, I went on with my next chore. To the jewelers, the one advised by Hattie to buy the earrings for Janice. Again, Hattie had spoken to another one of his friends. To another of these people who live in a world parallel to the social norm. He had, Hattie had informed me, selected a set of earrings. I wondered at the price of these trinkets.
Lights in the shop windows informed everyone who cared to pass by, that Christmas was on its way. Lights staining the sidewalks and the people's faces passed by with the colors of gold, blue, green and then red, the color of blood.
And what would be happening to him now traveled through my mind? The convulsion would start, the popping out of his eyes to catch his breath. The guards taking him back to his cell would look at him and convince themselves he was faking it. And then he couldn't stand and he couldn't see and now, he was falling, falling, falling.
Walking along the high street, I wished afresh while enjoying my freedom, that I had worn something more comfortable for my feet instead of giving into vanity's demand to show off my shapely ankles and slim legs. He had no interest in me so, my little game, my artless flirting had been a waste. Serves me right; now my shapely ankles were being chaffed by the smart chill of late November.
So, now he had fallen heavy to the ground and not showing any sign that this was deceit. Someone had to be called for. Call the medic. Lay him on his side and open his shirt. Barba is having a heart attack.
Here at the jewelers with the bright lights of glitter. I read the name above the door and pressed the buzzer for admittance. The door clicked, and I entered feeling the heat from the display lights, hitting me full on the face from this enclosed environment. Rather like a prison cell itself and locked away for protection.
The ambulance must have been alerted by now, and the two-person team have taken the details and were now speeding their way to the prison; an inmate had a suspected heart attack.
‘Can I help you,’ asked someone, leaving a customer to the luxury of making a choice and then a decision.
‘I was sent here by Hattie.’ My voice was cold, I was unable to smile and my eyes, I believe contained the exquisite reaction of fear, because from somewhere else in another time and another place, I heard voices.
‘Oh yes, of course,’ his eyes brightened, and like the chocolatier, this man also viewed Hattie as a friend and someone he enjoyed knowing. ‘We have something special for you at the back. Please wait one moment, and I will go and get it for you.’
I smiled and lowered my head. The common acceptance that at least this part of the project was running to plan. He left as silently as he appeared to get that something special for me.
He has a strong body, I thought, reinforcing my confidence to fight against the fears that were rising one after another, time after time. Hattie knows what he is doing. He would not give too much. Crushed and given. In some instances, it was not a good idea to be too generous, my mind was beginning to ramble.
‘We have these,’ the man returned with a dark mauve velvet box which he opened for my inspection.
And again, I found myself peering into something forbidden, and I was shocked. Shining stars of the gentlest of lavender was sparkling under my vision. ‘Diamonds,’ I said unable to contain my surprise and jealousy that Hattie would put himself into so much debt for this woman. A woman that everyone, it appeared wanted to please.
‘No, not diamonds, they are Cubic zirconia. When cut well and polished, they look every bit as good as diamonds. You will be surprised how many people buy them for their wives and how these wives wear them believing they are wearing the real thing.’
‘And so, the cost?’
‘Only a matter of a few dollars in comparison to the real thing.’
‘But you're jewelers.’
‘Yes, we are but we are also realists and sometimes I think it is better to please the many rather than the few. It's all money in the cash register.’
Taking the box in its special bag, I was buzzed out of the door and on my way back to the train station.
And where was Jacob Barba now? Perhaps arriving at the hospital with monitors connected to his chest? I could only guess.
And there was the train coming around the bend and into the station, slowing down. Pressing the button, I climbed aboard and wandered down looking for a place without people. I wanted to hideaway.
The light was losing itself in the day, another downing of another circle and everything attempted and needed to be done had been completed. Or if not, to be postponed with the satisfaction that there is always another tomorrow. It's something we all take for granted until that tomorrow stops abruptly for us.
What if something had happened? What if Hattie had guessed wrong about the amount? Is Jacob now in hospital and in the resuscitation room while the medical staff is doing their best to save him but this time, there really wasn't any hope? His time was up as his monitor went into flat line, and now with shaking heads, they had pronounced him dead. And Jacob Barba had eaten the poison with the knowledge this would make him ill. A death, there had been a death, and now he was being taken to the morgue and tomorrow, there would be an autopsy to find out exactly what he had died from.
If he died, then I would be one of the people who killed him. I would be held directly responsible for his death because I had urged him to eat the poisoned chocolates. The contents of his stomach would reveal how he died. By consuming the chocolate, I had given him the gift of death.
It was a dreadful train journey. I traveled in fear and torment. Any moment now, I would be called to account.
‘Is everything all right?’ asked Pesker when I came out of the train station and over to the car, he held the door open for me.
‘I think it was the train journey,’ I tried to sound as light as I could and yet inside, I was being crucified by my own terrors of what I had done. ‘Usually, I travel very well on the train. But perhaps, I must be coming down with something. It's that time of year.’
I rested my head on the back of the seat.
That evening, I kept myself to myself and losing myself in the comfort of the baby which excused me from facing whatever this world had to offer. I needed to recover from the day's venture.
I had hoped that Hattie, once he had finished helping Jacob dress ready to escape would come and visit me and tell me how it went. But perhaps, Hattie had hated Jacob Barba (though he protested otherwise) as much as Jacob Barba hated him and this had been a cold-blooded planned execution in which I
had been a party to.
With an unsteady hand, I wrote out the card for Angel and wishing her much happiness and that the future held many surprises and I could think of one in particular. For sometimes, I thought that Jacob Barba was alive and then, simultaneously that he was dead. And if he was out and alive then, I had helped release a murderer. But if he were now lying there dead, I had now committed murder and become a killer.
It was a long night in which I hardly slept, of course, I would not sleep as sleep comes to the innocent. I had lost my rights to that.
At the breakfast table, I found Angel sitting there. I, walking in holding her baby slipped him into his highchair before I too then took my place.
‘Happy birthday,’ I now greeted Angel and was surprised to see face glum. Stretching across I gave her my card and the gift which had been fantastically wrapped by the shop.
‘Thank you,’ she snorted taking my card and present and putting it by the side of her empty plate, she was sipping water.
There was no reason for her to be in a bad mood. She was loved by many and someone in particular. There could be only one reason why she was sour even though it was her birthday, the strict diet. Perhaps she had once been thin but the habit of eating whatever one wants is a very hard one to break.
Taking the top off J.J’s bowl of porridge, I noticed the stewed apple on top. It had been my suggestion to Mary that we might begin incorporating some other foods into his diet. I remember doing an article, again on healthy eating and as a suggestion, the magazine reminded some of the women who gave in to the instinct for procreation not to forget the younger members in one's life. Seeing I was taking seriously J.J.’s interest, I smiled. Looking after someone else and not oneself has a rewarding feeling.
‘I see you smiling,’ said Angel from across the table. ‘Why are you smiling?’
Instantly, I felt guilty and I wasn't sure why except that he was her child. ‘Because it's your birthday and I'm feeling happy for you.’ A lie, of course, I felt nothing of the sort except that she was behaving badly and hadn't even bothered to open her card or the present that Hattie and I had gone to so much trouble for.
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