by Zack Murphy
“Whatever.” She lamented. “If you need anything else, find somebody else.”
And with that Rebecca disappeared around the corner. Satan stood smiling at Dana Plough, who stood in a frozen state appalled at what had happened to the organization of her beloved childhood memories.
Dana Plough pouted. “This was supposed to be one of the crowning achievements of my lifetime. I was going to go down in the annals of the GRUMBLE books as the greatest GRUMBLE girl ever. How in the blue hell am I to compete with someone who started a mother-flipping riot?!”
*****
A small man wearing a bowler and dressed in a dapper tweed suit with bulky coke bottle glasses boarded Delta flight #2453 to Grenada. He made his way to his seat where he sat holding on to a small package. A flight attendant had offered to store it in the overhead bin, but he refused, saying it was too valuable to be out of sight for a minute. He compromised by putting it under his seat and sat back to enjoy the sixteen hour flight.
*****
Most qualified and reasonable scientists will tell you that the universe is ever-expanding and infinite in space and time. They are in a word: wrong. The universe is the same size it has always been when it was created a few billion years ago out of a small burp from a cosmic speck in the middle of nothingness. This small expulsion of gas created a large space filled with planets, suns and stars, both binary and Ringo.
The universe actually only seems to be growing because so many people fill it. There are now fourteen thousand and twelve inhabited planets in the universe and only one, the planet of Kilgorgeben, has never seen war, famine or catastrophic horrors. This is due to its absence never needing the universal hunger to control every last square inch of his or her being in the name of whatever deity they were worshiping at the time.
Kilgorgeben is located three hundred and twelve billion miles from Earth and on a white sand beach in the small island country of Brecklonport, The Death sat on a wicker chair sipping on a piña colada [Because every island resort town in the known universe has a bartender who makes the world’s best piña colada]. He was soaking up the local atmosphere by watching a group of native women do a provocative dance that had evolved from a much more provocative and erotic dance until white people had found them and taught them the gift of shame [Ah, white people. There the same everywhere you go].
He had figured now was a good time as any to take a much needed holiday since his job was probably going to end in four days and he had saved up quite a lot of vacation time.
The planet of Kilgogeben had been a popular getaway for those working in the afterlife for their abundance of hospitality and an over eagerness to please in a way very few in the universe knew how. A shadow cast by DANZ & C>500TP interrupted his sunshine; he removed his sunglasses and smiled as only a skeleton can [Which is exactly the same for all expressions].
“Ah and how is everything with Barnaby working out? All things going in the crapper I take it? Because why else would you interrupt me when I’m here.”
“I didn’t know you were on holiday.”
“I would have imagined that my festive Hawaiian shirt and frozen alcoholic beverage with the cute little umbrella would have been a dead giveaway. Get it?” no one got his jokes, which was a bone of contention [pun intended]. “No matter, what seems to be the trouble?”
“I’m a little worried about--”
A well-tanned, sandal wearing waiter came over and stood impatiently next to her. With his cargo shorts and bowtie, he had an air of a mid-afternoon performer at Chippendales. He was carrying a tray full of assorted frozen concoctions with a variety of fruit as garnishes. He had a broad smile, showing off rows of very expensive and extensive dental work.
“Would you care to try any others of our delicious drinks?” he offered as snooty as he could.
“Can’t you see we’re in the middle of a conversation,” glared DANZ & C>500TP.
“I’m sorry miss, but Brecklonport is not the place for seriousness. It is the place for happiness and fun under our two beautiful suns.”
“Be that as it ma--”
“You heard the man,” said The Death, “This is not the place for such trivial matters.”
“Trivial matters? The entire state of the universe is at stake and in the hands of Barnaby. Who is out there cavorting with some- some woman he met. I seriously think that he should be taken off the case at once. In fact I demand it!” she caught herself out of the side of her mind’s eye standing up to someone you sit down at all times for.
“Well, this certainly not the place for jealousy,” the waiter, full of himself for his sudden onset of sassiness chimed in.
“I am not jealous! Please. He’s an adult and can do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. All I’m saying is that if he even so much as touches her in any way that isn’t purely professional I’ll rip his head off and serve you a margarita out of his severed skull.”
“Sounds like a bit of jealousy to me,” said The Death.
“He took off her clothes last night. Her clothes! He saw her naked and I guarantee he had some thoughts about hitting that.”
“All right, all right, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. First, you go back and type up a report about everything inappropriate he’s done so far and I’ll read it. And if it seems that he needs to be dismissed I’ll see it gets done.”
“Thank you, that’s all I wanted.”
With that she left to write the most scandalizing report ever written since Attila the Hun’s wife wrote a scathing account exposing her husbands’ penchant for Roman whores and not lifting the seat when he peed.
“Now where were we? Oh yes, the drinks.”
The Death peered at the tray and lifted his finger to his mouth to contemplate his next choice. They all looked so tempting. So he decided to do what any good vacationer does when on foreign turf.
“I think I’ll try one of each.”
*****
The diner was small and dingy, but had a nice greasy spoon feel to it and a waitress was always there to fill up a coffee cup as soon as it emptied. The place was filled with the stereotypical pack of patrons who seem to spend more time at such places than they do bathing or going to the Dentist.
Ketty was starting to come back to the world of the living. Ten cups of coffee will do that for a person. The throbbing in her head had been reduced to a minor nuisance and she could now finally keep both eyes open without feeling as if she’d lose one of them.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” said Ketty, rising from their booth.
“Again? This is like the fifth time you’ve gone. Maybe you better slow down on the coffee for a while. I think you’re caffeinated up enough.”
“Not until I feel good enough to genuinely kick your ass for getting me naked last night. Probably two more cups.”
As he watched her disappear into the ladies room he motioned to the waitress who rushed over brandishing a steaming pot of coffee. There was a rustling over at the counter where the local flavor were intently watching the black and white television screen. Frank, the owner, had refused to purchase a color television due to the fact that most of his customers had declared that if they could have a nice big screen television that they’d would never leave.
It wasn’t if Frank didn’t enjoy having his regulars around as much as they were, he just liked the idea that at some point during the day they left for a few hours.
Barnaby got up and stared up at the screen; there seemed to have been an incident where a grizzly bear from a local zoo had escaped and was causing havoc on the city streets. There was a loud gasp from the communal counter area as they all stared agape out the window. Barnaby, curious to their stares walked over and joined the spectators. Much to his, and everyone else’s surprise, was that the commotion on the television was right outside their diner. Much to the chagrin of the owner, the television didn’t mention it.
Barnaby decided to do what anyone in his position would do when faced with the fact
that a deadly animal was lurking nearby: he went out to meet it, face to face. Barnaby came through the door where he was greeted by a very large grizzly bear, twenty local and state police, and a wildlife sanctuary employee with the name Alvarez emblazoned on the right side of his khaki shirt and a cute little koala bear with the words ‘to protect without harm’ who was aiming a very large tranquilizer gun.
“Please sir, go back inside. This is a very grave situation. You mustn’t be out here. It is very dangerous to both you and the animal!” yelled Alvarez over a megaphone that he proudly brandished like a balding man uses an Italian sports car to conquer a mid-life crisis.
“So what’s your name?” said Barnaby to the bear, ignoring the screaming Alvarez.
“They call me Mr. Finklestein.”
“I’m sorry; that’s a horrible name.”
“Tell me about it,” said Mr. Finklestein.
“Will you please go back inside before somebody gets hurt!” screamed Alvarez. This was his parade and some guy from a diner wasn’t to rain on it by being mauled to death.
“I really wish he’d stop that. It’s getting on my nerves.”
“Tell me about it,” said Barnaby, “I’m Barnaby by the way.” The art of small talk with a bear was something Barnaby was proud of. He had listed it on his resume under special skills. “So what are you doing in the city? I mean, I have to be here; you got a comfy zoo to stay in.”
“Have you ever lived in a zoo? It’s terrible; artificial rocks, people gawking and pointing at you all day long. They stand there eating their popcorn and their hot dogs and don’t bother to share any with us. It sucks. And don’t get me started on my roommates. Man, talk about a bunch of useless bears; I swear they found them next to a nuclear reactor.”
“Will you kindly step away from the animal, you freaking idiot!” Alvarez was losing patience with the man who was blocking his line of fire. He had been working for the zoo for almost sixth months and hadn’t gotten to shoot anything yet.
“Will you kindly shut that damn thing off!? Can’t you see I’m trying to have a civilized conversation?” Barnaby screamed back.
Meanwhile, back in the diner, Ketty had returned from the bathroom to find half the diner hovered around the television screen laughing and pointing, while the other half was gathered at the window doing the same. She looked around the room for Barnaby, who didn’t seem to be there, but was probably in the men’s room. She sat back down at her booth and grabbed the cup of coffee in front of her. She called over to the waitress.
“Can I get a refill if you’re not too busy?”
“Sorry, the guy with the bear told me to cut you off.”
“The guy with the bear? I don’t know any guy with a bear.”
Ketty’s head slowly moved in the direction of the crowd and up to picture on the screen. The television was small and the picture wasn’t the best, but she could more or less make out what was happening.
She then let out a shriek and ran out of the diner. She made it about two feet from the diners front door, then pinned herself against the wall when she realized that she was only feet away from the biggest bear she had ever see. In her petrified state she could have sworn she saw Barnaby, having a heated discussion and wildly talking with his hands to the beast.
“So I point out to him that half of his body was sticking out of a meat grinder, and he still doesn’t believe he’s dead!” Barnaby said as he and Mr. Finklestein laughed.
“Barnaby?” Ketty could barely get the word out as she was glued with fear to the building. Anyone who wasn’t two inches from her mouth would have been hard up hearing the tiny squeak that her mouth let out.
“Oh great, another one,” Alvarez said to the police commissioner, “Why is it all the crazies come out when faced with a dangerous and deadly situation?” He grabbed his megaphone again, “Ma’am please go back inside before someone gets hurt.” He rolled his eyes and muttered softly to himself, "although most of you deserve it!”
Ketty slowly and with great precaution made her way back inside the diner. Once in the comfort of a non-bear having establishment she collapsed on the floor. Her breath heaved deeply as she fought to regain some consciousness of the situation. She stared out the door at the two figures, surrounded by a police force that all had guns pointing in their direction.
“Oh screw it,” Alvarez said to no one in particular and pulled the trigger. He grimaced with the idea he was probably out of a job “Oh crap!”
Barnaby was in the middle of a hilarious story about a traveling circus and three acrobats who had fallen off their rigging during a hurricane in Sacramento when he felt a slight sting in his ass.
The world started getting fuzzy and Mr. Finklestein seemed to suddenly break into some sort of mambo. His eyes rolled back into his head as he went crashing to the ground with the full force of a sequoia tree.
“BARN-A-BEEEEE? Aaaaare Youuuu O-Kaaaaay?”
“Why are you talking like that Mr. Finklestein?” said Barnaby lying on the pavement staring up at his giant friend. “Are you on drugs?”
A moment later another shot was fired and the bear came crashing down next him. Barnaby rolled over and looked at Mr. Finklestein who was becoming woozy from the power of 200 cc’s of tranquilizer that he had been hit in the neck with. Barnaby rolled over to face the bear.
“I didn’t know you could fly Mr. Finklestein?”
“I didn’t know you could fly either. But it’s fun,” on that note, Mr. Finklestein passed out into dreamland and began to snore.
“Nighty night Mr. Finklestein. Mr. Finklestein,” Barnaby chuckled to himself, “What a stupid name.”
Alvarez and Ketty rushed over to the downed body of Barnaby and stared at him with amazement. They watched his pupils begin to overtake his irises transforming his blue eyes into a deep molten black.
“He should be dead,” Alvarez turned to Ketty in a fascination usually reserved for a boy’s first contact with the Sears catalog’s bra section. “I mean he should be dead twenty times over. There were enough tranquilizers to down a four hundred pound bear. No human should be alive. And he’s still awake!”
“You shouldn’t go ‘round making people go all dizzy with your special medicine, Mr. Wearer of the Khaki shorts.” Scolded Barnaby softly.
“Barnaby? Are you okay?”
“He shooted me in the bottom.”
“We’ve got to get to a hospital now!” said Alvarez waving over a pair of EMT’s. This was supposed to be a special day, the day he got to shoot something. And that something wasn’t supposed to be a man.
“Barnaby, we’re going to get you all well. These men are here to take you to the hospital and you’ll feel much better.” Ketty patted him on his sweaty head.
“Noo, nooo, no. No hospital, es muy muy malo. I am speaking the Spanish. Eres una señorita joven muy agradable. That means, uh, that means--.” He searched for the words, but all he found in his brain were fireworks and an old Road Runner cartoon “I am speaking the Spanish.”
“Yes, now let’s get you in the ambulance,” said a lanky EMT with a slight lisp due to a permanent smile plastered across his long face.
“No! I talk with the woman now.” Barnaby shouted at the EMT, or to no one in particular. Ketty leant over to hear Barnaby, “You take me to vroom-vroom beep-beep.”
“Vroom-vroom beep-beep?”
“You know, VROOM-VROOM BEEP-BEEP,” he said while participating in a game of charades that only a small group of people, who ate the mushrooms they found growing under a parked van at Woodstock would have understood.
“You mean the car?”
“Car! Ha, that is a funny word. Car. Caaaarrrrr, I like the sound of that, it is silly.” If Barnaby had ever heard the ‘Just Say No’ campaign, he would have chuckled at that too. Now.
Ketty tried persuading the others present, against their better judgment, to help her take Barnaby to her car. Even though there was a bit of dissention in the ranks everyone could agree that
that since he wasn’t dead and clearly should be, his safety was clearly out of their area of expertise and they may as well get him on his way so the crowd of people who had been hovering would go away and the streets could get back to normal.
“I’m going to sleepy time now,” Barnaby euphorically collapsed in the arms of Ketty and Alvarez. They poured his limp body into the backseat of her Chevrolet Monte Carlo. The door slammed shut and Ketty thanked Alvarez for his help getting Barnaby back to the car, but had a few choice words on his lack of judgment of shooting helpless creatures and Barnaby with tranquilizer darts. As she drove away Alvarez helped get Mr. Finklestein into his truck and wondered what the man and bear could have possibly been talking about.
*****
“Fellow GRUMBLE Girls, I have not come here today not only for you to bask in my glory, but to learn from overflowing wisdom. To teach you a valuable lesson that I have discovered in my eleven years of working in public broadcasting. The last three at the number one cable news channel in the world. I have learned that no matter how hard a woman works at being an honored journalist, while still maintaining and upholding the values that each and every one of us holds so dear to our GRUMBLE Girl hearts, a man will always try to hold us down.”
A cheer went up through the throngs of young women filling the assembly hall. Dana Plough had them eating out of the palm of her hand. These were her people, young ladies with strong family values who strived to make the world better without the needless thumb of a man grinding their hopes and dreams into dust.
“Whether it be in the boardroom or at the highest levels of state or federal government, there will always be liberal, hippie, communist, bastards’ trying to tell us what is right and what is wrong.”
She thought she had heard the crowd boo at her last statement, but quickly decided they were saying booya, a modern colloquialism for a good job coined by a popular sportscaster.
“We must stand up and fight for what is rightfully ours and take it with both hands, never letting go of our ideals for a better future. We are GRUMBLE Girls and we don’t take no for an answer!”
This seemed to get the girls back in the right direction as a few ‘you go girlfriends’ and ‘hell yeahs’ were blurted out.