by M. A. Hinkle
When they finished, they paused for thirty seconds so Cameron James could drink some water. Then they started another song as high energy and loud as the last.
Basically, at first, things were cool. Shit started slowly, in my experience. And I had a lot of experience starting shit.
Nobody was obnoxious enough to shove their way to the front. But we were shifting forward as a whole, as more and more of the people listening outside the venue tried to press in. One second, I was jumping along with the rest of the crowd with Morgan right next to me, not jumping but still riveted. And then the song ended, and things settled down as Cameron James stepped offstage—but Morgan wasn’t there.
I bit down hard on my lower lip. A few groups had shoved past us, so he might have gotten pushed away. I turned all the way around, trying to figure out if he’d gotten in front of me or behind me. The triplets minus one, Sarah, and Felix were still in their tight little knot, but they were distracted, yelling something I couldn’t hear over the noise. Morgan wasn’t with them. I didn’t even see the ghost trail people leave pushing through a crowd.
I turned to the others just as they noticed the same thing. “Where’s my brother?” I had to yell to be heard, but yelling was one of my only skills.
“He was right here!” said Felix, hopping from foot to foot. I was glad someone else was doing the nerves for me so I could calm down.
“I’m going to head out, see if I can find him,” I said, leaning toward the group so they didn’t have to shout.
“I’ll come with,” said Felix.
“No,” said Sarah, Zach, and I all at the same time.
“I’m not doing it to be a weirdo. None of us have their numbers, so if we get separated, we won’t be able to find them until after the concert’s done and everybody leaves. And who knows when that’ll be?” Felix grabbed my arm, as though I was just another one of his friends. “Come on, we’ve gotta go if we’re going. Once the music starts up again, there’s no way we’re getting out of here. If we find him, we’ll try and get back inside.”
We wouldn’t be able to, but I didn’t waste time saying so. I grabbed Felix’s hand because I didn’t trust him to hang on to me hard enough and pushed my way out.
Sometimes, at internship interviews or family reunions, being six feet tall with resting murder face was a problem. At a crowded concert venue, it was a godsend. Felix stayed close to me the entire time, but I kept my hold on him until we got outside.
There, at least, no one was crushed in together. The parking lot was full, but of small groups, so there was room to maneuver.
I tried to let go of Felix, but he grabbed my arm. “You walk way faster than I do. I’ve been lost at concerts before, and I do not want to repeat the experience. I met some cool people, but being short sucks.”
“I’m not going to lose you,” I muttered. “One is enough.” I glanced out over the crowd, but I didn’t think Morgan was there—I didn’t see anyone standing by themselves, and he wouldn’t have tried to walk back to the car by himself.
Then again, who could say what he would and wouldn’t do? What made me think I even knew him anymore? Everyone else was taking new and improved Morgan in stride, but I was stuck in the past, thinking of all the times I’d found him gasping for breath or throwing up.
I was clenching my free hand so hard I was leaving marks in my skin, and my breath was coming fast and hard. I tried to relax and slid my phone out of my pocket. “I’m gonna try calling him.” Phones were as good as bombs for him, so I didn’t get my hopes up.
As I thought—nothing.
Felix tugged on my elbow. “Let’s check over there. I think I see someone.”
I let him lead me around the edge of the building because I was out of ideas and getting scared. How were we supposed to find one person in this crowd? And how was I supposed to help Morgan calm down when I was also losing my shit?
The back entrance was guarded by a bouncer. I barely noticed; Morgan was leaning against the side of the building. With Cameron James. Without Felix there, I might have thrown myself full tilt into the street from confused feelings.
Morgan didn’t look up when we approached; he was hunched in around himself, taking deep, slow breaths.
Cameron James was as relaxed as he had been on stage. A lit cigarette dangled from his fingers. “I think I’d write about dwarves. The Hobbit movies gave them a bad rap, but they’re pretty cool if you read the appendices.”
Morgan nodded, as if he was not struggling for air.
Cameron James glanced at us. “Oh, good, your people are here. You gonna be okay? I can stay out here if you want me to keep rambling.” He dropped the cigarette and ground it out. “The band’ll come get me when they want me.”
Morgan shook his head. To my complete and total shock, he spoke to Cameron James as if we were still bullshitting with Felix’s bandmates. “No, it’s—it’s okay. Uh—thanks.”
“No big. Thanks for coming and stuff. Just try and keep breathing, okay?” He turned to me and Felix; Felix yelped and pressed in closer to me. “You guys got it from here? Dashawn can give him a ride to the hospital or whatever if he needs it.”
“He’ll be okay,” I said, and thank Christ I could pretend to be a human being. I hadn’t taken a full breath since losing Morgan in the crowd. “We can handle it.”
“Cool. See you around, I guess.” He handed the bouncer a cigarette before disappearing within.
Morgan slid down the wall. When he was all the way sat, he tipped his head back up toward the sky, still taking the deep, slow breaths the therapist had taught him. Not that it helped.
Felix and I closed the distance. Thank God Felix was there, because he squatted next to Morgan as if he did this every day. I had no idea what I’d have done without him. Probably yelled something stupid and made everything worse, as was my one and only talent.
“Are you okay?” Felix asked.
Morgan nodded, closing his eyes. A flush spread over his face, but it was from stress. He’d be embarrassed later, when we were alone.
I came to stand next to him finally, confident I wouldn’t say anything dumb but only because all the air had gone out of my lungs. Morgan cupped one hand around my ankle; I took the hint and collapsed next to him. My heart was pounding, but I felt it distantly. The music started up again, drifting to us from the parking lot. Morgan didn’t flinch or cover his ears, a good sign.
“Does this happen a lot?” Felix asked. I raised my head, and Felix drew back. “I wasn’t trying to pry—”
“He’s not mad at you.” Morgan’s voice was hoarse, as always after these episodes. “His face is just stuck.”
I pressed said face against my knees. “Thought you had me figured out by now, kid.” I felt bad for glaring at him, and wasn’t that ridiculous.
“Well, there’s your murder face and then there’s your actual murder face.” Felix sighed. “But no. When I’m stressed, I kind of lose control of my mouth. I meant to say I texted the triplets minus one so they know we’re all okay.”
“What was it you said about admitting something not excusing it?” I kept my face hidden. I didn’t want to scare him again. No point putting icing on the shit cake.
Felix huffed. “Hey, I am trying here, but this is out of my comfort zone.”
“Gar is trying too.” Morgan finally lifted his head, and his eyes were connected to the world, not glazed over. “It may not be obvious to you, but he’s going out of his comfort zone. You should have seen him at our last school. He’s changed a lot.”
Felix glanced at me. I scowled on purpose because I could feel him trying to figure out how I was different. He shrugged, turning his attention back to Morgan. “So it’s okay if you don’t, but if you want to talk about it…”
To my surprise, Morgan responded in an almost unremarkable voice. “Why did I freak out? I was happy. I was enjoying myself. I am aware of how uncomfortable concerts make me, and yet I went, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would b
e—until it was. Do I understand what happened? No. Have I ever understood anything about myself? No.” He scowled at the empty field behind the mall.
Then he sighed, and his expression flattened. “I really thought I could do it. I really thought I was better.”
If I kept sitting there, I was going to snap at him. Nope. I had to get moving, so I pushed myself up and paced around in a few tight circles before turning back to him. “Setbacks happen, Morgan.” I held my hand out for him. He accepted. “Anyway, concerts aren’t safe spaces. People get trampled. And if something happened to you, I’d have to stop being such a fuck up.“
Morgan didn’t seem to hear me. He patted his pocket. “Did you call me? I hate phones.” He glanced at Felix. “I’m sorry. You’re missing the concert.”
Felix shook his head. “I’ve already been to one, so it’s okay. There’ll be more. Anyway, you’re more important.” His ears turned bright red. “Go ahead and shoot me, all right?”
Morgan looked at me. I could almost see the question marks popping up over him, but I shook my head. He’d never figure it out.
“We might as well go where it’s light out.” I hooked arms with Morgan. “Morgan, grab Felix. I don’t have a rope to tie us all together like proper kindergarteners, so this will have to do.”
Felix was still too caught up in his embarrassment to listen, so Morgan took his elbow. “Come on. It’s creepy over here.” Felix blushed even redder, but he let Morgan lead.
Somehow, we made it back to the parking lot in one piece. Felix knew some kids sharing a blanket near the back, so we got to sit on something besides cracked asphalt. I slumped over my knees. The concert was still going, but I barely heard it. I was used to adrenaline crashes, but usually they happened after I’d done the stupid thing, so I was busy putting out fires. When shit happened to Morgan—
Well, to put it cleanly, I was thankful this normally went down at home. Then, I could lock myself in the bathroom and take a long shower. It was scary. Knowing something really bad could happen. Knowing I couldn’t do anything but wait for it to end.
When the song ended, Felix plucked at my sleeve. I raised my eyes, trying not to scowl. I didn’t want to give the kid a heart attack.
Felix was closer than I thought—I’d left him on the other side of Morgan, but at some point, he’d come around beside me so Morgan could have an entire corner of the blanket. “Are you okay?”
I narrowed my eyes. Talking to him was too easy; I had to keep my guard up. “In case you haven’t noticed, this is how I am all the time.”
“Well, yeah, but—” He seemed honestly worried. “Putting away your feelings when someone else needs you isn’t easy.”
“Felix, you not only wear your heart on your sleeve, you give it to people when you meet them. It’s a gruesome welcome basket. Have you considered fruit covered in chocolate?”
“Don’t pretend it’s a bad thing. No, I—” Felix hesitated and glanced away, hugging himself. “Um. My mom just died, and my dad’s taking it really hard. He’s trying to pretend things are okay, but I know they aren’t, and I don’t want to make it worse by moping around all the time. And my friends are great, but they’re not good at talking about feelings. Sarah and Zach want to fix stuff, and Alex can’t stay focused on a conversation for more than five minutes if it’s not about music. If I try to talk to them, I’ll have to turn right back around and make them feel better because I feel bad, and then they wouldn’t know what to do.”
He made a face. “Crap, now I’m making it all about me. I was trying to say…I understand how hard it is. Pretending everything is fine when other people need you to. Even when it’s really, really not fine. And if you need somebody to be honest with—um. There’s me.” He groaned, burying his face even deeper in his hands. “I suck at this.”
I wavered. In this particular instance, doing the right thing actually made me more of an asshole. It was selfish. I should have ignored him.
But Morgan had pushed himself too far in one direction, and so had I.
I touched his arm. He looked at me; I continued staring straight ahead. “Listen, a concert is a shitty place for this kind of talk.”
“Yeah, but I know the second we go back to school, you’re going to pretend none of this ever happened. And I’m gonna feel obligated to let you because I don’t want to rock the boat. And, anyway, everyone at school thinks you’re a badass, so hanging around with me will not help your reputation.” Felix pushed himself to his feet. “Whatever. I need to chill out.” He closed his eyes, swaying in time to the beat of the next song.
I could have stood up and told him to dance with me. The song playing was romantic—well, in a Cameron James kind of way, with lots of angst. Felix’d let me teach him, and while I was teaching him, maybe I finally wouldn’t be an asshole. Maybe I’d know how to tell him I was mostly fine—if I stretched the definition of fine until it broke—but whatever he was going through wasn’t, and he could talk to me the way he thought I should talk to him.
But I didn’t do it. I closed my eyes and let the music take me somewhere else.
USUALLY, I GET depressed when a concert ends, but tonight I needed it to be over.
Felix twisted his fingers together. “This is the part where I’d ask if you guys had fun at the show or not, but. Yeah.”
“It was good,” said Morgan, surprising both of us. He avoided meeting our eyes by pretending he was watching the crowd leaving the store. “I’m really sorry about everything.”
“If I were a really annoying brother, this is where I’d remind you your therapist says apologies are supposed to be specific.” I folded my arms. “But this is also where I’d remind you that you don’t have anything to apologize for, except not being honest about how you were feeling.”
“I did enjoy it, though.” Morgan sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“Well, Sarah’s gonna expect an explanation.” Felix stood on tiptoe, trying to see over the crowd to spot his friends. “But if we tell them you were talking to Cameron James, they’ll drop it.”
“I’m glad you saw me because I was wondering if it happened.” Morgan sighed, rubbing his cheek. “I’ve had stranger dreams.”
“To be fair, you guys were having a weird conversation.” Felix was cautious around Morgan now, but I couldn’t tell if it was due to Morgan’s anxiety or if he was still thinking about our conversation. “Was he really talking about Lord of the Rings?”
Morgan blew out a breath. “Yes. I went over there because there were no people. Then he came outside, and I was trying to figure out how to get away when he started talking to me as though nothing was wrong. His favorite character is Gimli.”
Felix paused. “I’ve heard weirder. One of Sarah’s friends at a different school saw him once, and he sang one song and then spent ten minutes talking about the prison industrial complex. I mean, apparently it was very informative, and that’s punk, but still.”
I wrinkled my nose. “What would you know about punk?”
Before Felix could answer, the triplets minus one and Sarah came walking out of the crowd toward us. Felix didn’t cheer up, but he also didn’t protest when Sarah draped one arm around him. “So you guys are all alive? Nobody got their ass kicked?”
Felix glanced at me. I assumed he wanted to know if he should mention Cameron James, so I shook my head. “No, it was okay. Morgan needed some air.”
“Then let’s GTFO. The sooner we leave, the less chance I get a ticket.” She started walking, and we followed.
“I’m sorry I ran off,” said Morgan to no one in particular.
Alex was inspecting the notes on his phone, but somehow, he spoke up before even I could. “Dude, it’s cool. It got intense in there.” He missed Morgan’s startled glance.
Zach was similarly calm. “Yeah, but try to use the buddy system next time. It’s what we do when somebody has to pee or whatever. Underground shows are cool, but they’re kind of the Wild West.”
> “The guys we were sitting with think Cameron James is considering a record contract,” said Felix, still tucked up under Sarah’s arm.
“Nah, there’s no way.” Sarah rubbed his shoulders. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who noticed he was still less perky than usual. “He’d have to have an actual tour schedule. A regular backup band. Business cards.”
And from there they discussed the benefits of indie production versus the typical model, an argument with the broken-in feel of an old paperback book. Everyone had their assigned roles: Zach and Alex were all about going it solo, Sarah argued for the suits, and Felix played moderator. There was no room for Morgan or me—a relief.
ONCE WE WERE all in the car and strapped in according to Sarah’s specifications, she turned to me. “So where do you guys live?”
“You can take us back to the school, and we can walk. It’s not a big deal,” I said, glancing over at Morgan. He seemed—well, not relaxed, but perhaps the worst danger had passed. Nevertheless, I didn’t want to push him any further.
Sarah shook her head. “Not after dark. We don’t play that game, even with white guys. Anyway, the longer I take doing this, the less I have to spend at home dodging questions about things I do not wish to discuss. So we’re dropping you guys off, and then I’m hanging out with the rest of you guys until I get tired. Therefore, I’m not lying when I get home and say I’m too wiped out for chit-chat.”
Thank God no one talked once she turned on the stereo.
WHEN WE GOT home, Morgan bolted upstairs, but to our room, not the bathroom. I thought about going for a shower. Morgan would have exhausted himself by the time I was done, and I could go to bed and forget everything, even the parts with Felix. Especially the parts with Felix.
But no. Not an option. “Are we going to talk about what happened or not?”