It felt anti-climactic. One moment, we were fine and the next they were dead. I couldn't shake the feeling that we were forgetting something important and it would leave us trying to figure out what to do next. Even if most of the members of the coven were dead, I knew that they would come back. They always came back.
It was hours before Ceres woke. When she squeezed my hand, I realized that she was finally coming to. I looked up at her face and held my breath until her beautiful chocolate eyes opened. She scanned the room before her eyes came to rest on me. "Hi," she whispered with a slight smile before her hand came up to my face.
We were alone in the room, as both sets of parents had gone back to the house to clean up and regroup.
"Hi," I said, reaching out to smooth her hair back for the thousandth time.
"What happened?" she asked.
I saw the confusion in her eyes. She didn't understand why she was in a hospital, hooked up to an IV and monitor. She looked around a little, saw the IV in her arm, and then looked back at me with panic in her amber eyes. I kissed her hand before I sighed and explained what happened after the car hit us.
"So, what about the baby?" she asked when I finished.
Tears fell from my eyes as my hand came to rest on her stomach. I opened my mouth a few times to speak but no sound came out. I saw the understanding dawn in her eyes, but I had to tell her. "Gone," I whispered with more tears.
"What?" she whimpered. I saw the tears well up in her eyes and spill over as her face pleaded with me to tell her it wasn't true. She shook her head, frantic, and I pulled her into my arms, cradling her. "No," she whispered. "No," she shook her head. "God, no! No, no, no, nonononono!" The sob wracked her body and I wrapped my arms tighter around her. I looked up at the ceiling as my own tears started to fall again. She clung to me in desperation. She screamed with the loss. I braced myself for what was going to happen next because I knew that all I could do was hold on as the dam opened and flooded the world around us.
She grew silent after a while. I still held her, but her tears were slow and hot instead of rapid and fierce. She reached up to brush one away. "I want to go home," she whispered. I knew she was talking about New York and I wondered if there was any way for us to be able to escape there for a while. She didn't want to face the world again. She didn't want to face my world again. She wanted to go back in time to when she was in New York... and safe.
"I know," I whispered to her. I kissed her temple and sighed. "I'll see what I can do," I promised.
She nodded and I knew that she was grateful for the offer, even if she knew that I wasn't likely going to be able to pull anything off.
Dr. Cyrus came in a few hours later while Ceres and I stared at something muted on the television in her room. We looked at her as she looked at her chart. When she looked at us, her eyes filled with sorrow.
She looked at Ceres. "First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss," she said. "I imagine you're going to hear a lot of that soon. Did Wolfgang tell you what happened?"
Ceres nodded.
Dr. Cyrus sighed. "There's traces of something in your blood, but we aren't sure what it is yet. I've sent it on to a lab I trust, and it'll be about a week before I get the results. It's possible that whatever this substance is, it may have caused you to lose the baby."
"So, you're saying that they may have done this to me?" Ceres whispered.
Dr. Cyrus nodded. "Unfortunately, yes," she said.
I felt the hatred boil in me. Dr. Cyrus turned her eyes to me, and I knew she felt it too. She sighed again and looked at her clipboard before she handed us a pamphlet. I took it from her and looked at the front. Dealing with Loss: Life After Miscarriage. I looked up at her. "Is that how you're filing it?"
She nodded. "I have to," she replied. "I'm putting in the official file as that the car accident caused it. The sample isn't going in the file. I'm doing that independent of the rest of your labs. The Law of Secrecy...."
Ceres took the brochure from me and ripped it up before she threw it across the room. She turned onto her side, away from both of us, and her shoulders shook again. I reached out and put my hand on her shoulder. She flinched under my touch for the first time, which completely broke my heart. I pulled my hand back away and looked up at the doctor, helpless.
"When you're ready, we have support groups for Lycans who have lost pregnancies," she said. She looked at me with guilt in her eyes before she turned around and left the room.
They released her the next day. Riley and Selena had brought my truck down, along with clothes for both of us. Once we were both dressed in something other than hospital attire, we left. I hated that I had to drive us back to my parents' house, but if hers were in town, our address was there. Once we arrived, Ceres walked into our bedroom and shut down.
Chapter 31 ~Ceres~
I had gone from expecting a child to experiencing the loss of it and I don't know with any degree of certainty how it happened. I felt like a failure as a woman and a mate....
I curled up on the bed I shared with Wolfgang at his parents' home and clutched my pillow. A sob forced its way out of me, and I let it out. I let it all out.
At some point, Wolfgang came in. He lay down next to me, curled his body around mine, and wrapped his arms around me and the pillow. I think he may have said something about my parents postponing their flight home, but I didn't know for sure. I didn't pay attention to anything but my agony. His forehead pressed against the back of my neck and I think we both fell asleep.
I felt lifeless. I didn't move from our bed for days. Wolfgang was in and out, doing things for my parents, the pack, and a dozen other whatevers. He would tell me when he was leaving to do something, ask if I needed anything, and tell me when he came back. He had to force me to eat at least once a day. I didn't notice much of it.
After three days, the twins came in. Selena sat down on one side of me and pulled me toward her. Sophia sat down on the other side and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "Say something," Selena commanded.
I shook my head. I didn't have anything to say.
Sophia gritted her teeth at me. "You can't stay in here forever, Babe," she said.
Yes, I can...
Selena turned my head and forced me to look at her. "Remember when I had my miscarriage?" she asked. It was two years ago. She'd gotten a little crazy with a one-night stand and it had resulted in a bun in her oven. At first, she hated the baby. She wanted to get rid of it. Then it grew on her and she started to enjoy the thought of being a mother. Just as she was getting excited, something went wrong and she lost it. Yes, I remembered. I nodded.
"I'm going to be a bitch here," she warned me. "I know what you're thinking. I know what you're feeling. This is not the only baby you're going to have," she said. "You are not the only woman in the world who has ever lost one. The people who caused this are dead. Alan and Addie are dead. More than half of the coven here is dead. You don't have to be afraid for your life anymore. You said that this baby wasn't the blessing you wanted it to be. You said that it was coming at a bad time. Now the world around you can calm down. You don't have to worry about it anymore. Now, you and Wolfgang can try for a baby when you're ready, instead of having it forced on you because you were in a desperate situation."
I heard the words. I understood what she was saying to me. It didn't make things any easier. Nothing she said would make this any easier because she was the one who had ensured I got excited about it to begin with. She was the one who had talked about baby showers and how the baby wasn't a result of desperation.... How could she sit there and contradict herself now?
"Ceres," Sophia said, turning me toward her. "We know that you're hurting. Wolfie says that you don't even blink when he comes in here to talk to you. You have to snap out of it. You're the mate of the Volsunga. You do not have the luxury of losing yourself in your misery. If I have to hit you, I will. Snap out of it."
I stared at her in shock. "What?" I whispered.
Sophia smiled. "Thank you," she said. She stood and held her hands out to me. "Now let's get you out of this bed."
My movements were surreal to me as I reached for Sophia's hands. She pulled me to my unsteady feet and guided me into the bathroom, where Wolfgang stood to help me with a bath that he had already drawn. He held his hand out to me and I took it. He pulled me in for a tight hug and let out a breathy sob. "Why could they get you to move and I couldn't?" he whispered. I understood then what had upset him most. For days, I had done nothing more than blink at him, but the twins had come in and gotten me to speak and get out of that bed.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. I pulled back to look at him. I held his face in my hands before I kissed him. He picked me up and settled me around his waist. I felt his body respond to me, but I wasn't ready for that yet. I pulled away from him and he gave me a smile.
"I know," he said. "Your pace," he promised. I nodded. "Let's get you into the tub," he suggested.
After bathing, it was time for food. Wolfgang guided me to the kitchen, and I was glad when people didn't make a huge deal of me finally surfacing. I didn't want to be in a spotlight. I didn't want people to look at me and pity me.
Wolfgang made sure that I ate as much as I could stomach before he let me get up from the table. He walked me back to our room and we sat down on the bed that we shared. He turned me toward him and brushed my platinum blonde hair away from my face. He sighed and I saw that the weight of what we were going through was affecting him as much as it affected me. There was a new darkness in his eyes that hadn't been there before. "Tell me everything," he said.
For a moment, I stared at him, unsure of what he wanted. Then I understood. I sighed. "I just... feel like a failure," I whispered. "I understand that no one knows what the cause was, but..." I fumbled to find the words I wanted, "I shouldn't have, and because I know I shouldn't have, I feel like I've failed as a woman and a mate. Especially as a mate."
Wolfgang kissed me. "You have not failed," he whispered. He brushed the tears away from my eyes. He held my face in his hands and gazed at me through amber eyes. "You have not failed," he repeated. I felt more tears fall.
I swallowed hard. "But it took me so long to even get excited for it," I whispered. That guilt haunted me. I had to try so hard to want my child. I had to work at getting excited. I had to force myself to be happy... and now my child was gone...
"Look at me," Wolfgang said. He held my face in his hands and I met his eyes even though I didn't feel worthy of the gesture. "I know you wanted this baby," he said. "I know because you broke in my arms when I had to tell you that it was gone. I know you wanted this baby because you were willing to change your entire life to make one worthy of being a mother. I know you wanted this baby because it was the symbol of our freedom and commitment to each other. You may not have thought you wanted the baby to begin with, but I know in your heart that you always did. Do you understand me?" he asked.
I took in a shaking breath and blinked back my tears. I nodded as I used my sleeve to wipe them away.
"I have something good for you to think about," Wolfgang said, drawing my attention once more.
"What?" I whispered.
"The coven has retreated," he informed me.
I smiled. "Yay," I whispered as I rolled my eyes.
"Your mom and dad are also staying out here until they know you're going to be okay," he said.
"Is that going to be okay considering they just had a territorial dispute?" I asked. Wolfgang shrugged. I suppose that part of their decision to stay wasn't my business. I sighed and shook my head as I ran my hands through my hair. "What happened after the accident?" I asked for the first time.
Wolfgang cleared his throat, and then told me everything he knew and filled in the gaps with what his father had explained. I didn't remember anything after they dragged me out of the car.
Listening to him tell me what happened, I realized that I didn't care much about the fact that my stepfather was dead. The fact that my mother ripped his jaw off and cut up his lungs was almost comforting. I liked knowing that I didn't have to worry about him coming after me again. It was a relief that left me dizzy.
I pulled myself away from Wolfgang and stood. He eyed me, watching my every move to make sure that I wasn't going to die on him. I took in a shaking breath and let back out. "I need some air," I said.
Wolfgang nodded and stood. We walked out to the back of the house and stepped outside. This was the first time I'd been out back here, and I took a moment just to look at everything.
There was a fountain in the center of the back yard. It was off now because it was the middle of February. It was a pair of wolves on a rocky surface. Snow covered the fountain, and it looked just as majestic now as I was sure it would look when water flowed around it. There were words engraved on the fountain's base. There were some children throwing snowballs at each other. Their screeches and laughter made me smile. It also made my heart ache because of what I had lost. Maybe coming back here was a bad idea.
Wolfgang saw the change in me. He took my hand and smiled at me before he started pulling me through the back yard. His speed picked up, uninhibited by the snow. Soon, we were running out of the clearing and into the forest that surrounded the house. Wolfgang never let go of my hand.
We sped around trees, over logs, under branches, and through the frozen foliage of the forest floor. I felt a sense of joy come over me and I knew that we were going to be okay. I knew that, no matter what happened to us, we would be just fine.
Wolfgang came to an abrupt stop and pulled me into his arms with so much force that we fell into the leaves that littered the ground. The forest was thick enough here that it was warmer, and the snow didn't touch the ground. We laughed for a moment before he kissed me. When I pulled back to meet his eyes, they were amber. They had been amber a lot in the last few days, but this time it was for a different reason. This time, it wasn't because he feared losing me; it was because he wanted nothing more than to be with me. To know that he wanted me and only me for the rest of my life made me smile. It gave me something to appreciate and look forward to. It warmed my heart and made me believe that there would be another chance.
I moved forward and kissed him. The smell of old leaves and wet dirt filled my lungs as I immersed myself in him. Wolfgang rolled us over so that he covered me, and I lost myself to him. His hands caressed me, and I was willing to let go completely. Until, of course, my mind caught up to our bodies. "Stop!" I cried, pushing him away. I scrambled away from him and backed up until I hit a tree with my shoulder and let out a cry of pain. The pain gave me a reason to cry but it wasn't the reason I'd started. I curled into a fetal position and started to sob. Wolfgang, ever patient and understanding, wrapped his arms around me without questioning me.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
Too much too soon. This was going to take longer than I wanted.
I heard footsteps. Just before the footsteps reached us, the wind changed direction and I smelled the acrid scent of Witch. Wolfgang and I both reacted at the same time, jumping up and facing the person approaching us. It was a person we never expected to see again.
Gone was the preschool teacher dressed in comforting flannel. The girl standing before us was almost more of a creature than a person. Her brown hair was now matted and there were leaves and twigs sticking out of it. She had cuts and scrapes along her face and arms. Her shirt had tattered, and her jeans had holes in them with scabbing wounds underneath. Her running shoes were filthy and torn.
Her eyes struck me most. Gone was the controlled exterior. There was a gleam of madness that shown through her eyes.
"Abby?" Wolfgang asked.
Her bright green eyes snapped to him. "Wolfie," she hissed. There was a joyful madness in her eyes. "Are we on nickname terms again?" she asked. "Did they name you for what you are? Did they want the world to know?"
"What?" Wolfgang asked.
"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Abigail screamed as she put her h
and out towards us, palm facing out. Wolfgang flew back and slammed into a tree. I couldn't spare a moment to look after him, but I knew through our bond that he would be just fine.
Abigail turned her eyes to me. "The baby's gone," she said before she giggled. She jumped as she clapped her hands together. Each sound was a dagger in my heart. "We did it," she whispered. "We knew you mated. We knew there was a baby. We forced it down your throat. We made you drink it. Daddy didn't want to be a grandpa. Not to a dog. Never a dog."
The truth hit me like a ton of bricks. I staggered back a step until I came against my tree again. "What?" I whispered.
"Did you think you would win?" she whispered. She shook her head, brown hair flying. "You can't win. The coven never dies. Daddy's dead. Mommy's dead. The coven always survives. You can't kill us all. You won't."
Anger fueled my actions. I lunged for Abigail, claws extended. Abigail, though completely insane, still had enough of her wits about her to be able to move out of my way. She turned her body and my claws scraped across her shoulder. She screamed and the sound brought me to my knees with my hands covering my ears. I cried out in pain and waited for the scream to stop. It seemed to echo around me and amplify.
I forced myself back to my feet and kicked the back of Abigail's knee, knocking her to the ground and stopping the siren scream. She gasped for breath as I tried to regroup. I took the moment to look back at Wolfgang and found him unconscious at the base of the tree. This fight, I would face alone.
Abigail moved faster than I expected her to. She turned to me with Witchfire in her hand and cast it at me. I dove out of the way to avoid the ball of electricity she threw at me and I was still worried that I wouldn't get out of the way in time.
Vanilla Moon: Awakening Page 29