by Deb Rotuno
“Okay,” she soothed me, reaching up to straighten my wool cap. Knowing her, I knew she’d rather rake her fingers through my hair, but it was too cold. “Fair enough.”
I pulled back from her, eyeing the lake again, and I was nowhere closer to being over my fear of water than I was at thirteen years old. Swallowing nervously, I whispered, “Aunt Tessa says…She says I should see…a therapist.”
“Dr. Costa.” Her voice was soft and kind, without judgment. When I looked back at her, she smiled. “She’s really nice. Wes loves her. And you’d like her too, Evan. She’s…quiet and calm. She’s really easy to talk to. And if you want, I’ll go with you, but it couldn’t hurt. Right?”
“No, no…I guess not,” I murmured and shook my head a little. “Maybe…” As I remembered my sister’s outburst just before we left, I sighed deeply. “Faith too.”
“I think having someone to talk to isn’t a bad idea…for any of you.” Dani shrugged a shoulder. “But…I’ll go with whatever you decide, Evan.”
“’Kay.” I gave one more glance to the lake, the railing, and the road. “One more place and we’ll go back, okay?”
“Okay, baby.”
I took the same path as the day of my fight with Dad, carefully guiding Dani around the slippery spots on the sidewalk, but when the wrought-iron fence came into view, I stopped us at the gate.
Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly, and it plumed out again into the cold morning air. Frowning, I adjusted my glasses and then my wool cap before meeting Dani’s gaze.
“Do you…Do you mind?” I asked her, swallowing around the nervous lump in my throat. I wasn’t sure if Dani would want to set foot in a cemetery.
However, she was already shaking her head. “No, baby.” When she held her hand out, I took it and led her toward my mother’s grave.
I found it unchanged from the last time I’d been there, though I still knelt down and brushed the snow away from the poinsettia and off the top of her headstone. Dani stayed quiet by the small fir tree.
Glancing back at her, my heart hurt with how beautiful she was, how full of concern her face was, and I asked the one question I’d pondered the day Faith had picked out the Christmas tree.
“Do you…Do you believe in…in…something after this?” I waved a hand around, hating that I didn’t have the right words at the moment, but my girl knew what I meant.
She gazed around with a thoughtful expression, taking a step forward and squatting down by my side. “I don’t know, Evan,” she stated honestly. “Despite my Southern upbringing, we aren’t all that religious. I think some people have to believe in order to get through the rough stuff. I think that if anyone deserves something peaceful after all the bullshit, it would be your mother.” She reached up to cup my face in her gloved hand. “I’ve never lost anyone I’m close to, baby, so I don’t know what I’ll feel when I do. I mean, I know it’s inevitable, but that isn’t something I have experience in.”
She leaned in and kissed my cheek. “I could…quote books and movies or whatever, but…” She sighed. “My heart hurts at the thought of it. That one day I’ll lose my family members, whether to old age or sickness or whatever. My need to wrap you up in my arms makes me crazy at the thought of something happening to you, so…That being said, I can’t see you anywhere but a heavenly place after all the shit you’ve been through. Would I like to think that all those beautiful souls are somewhere happy? Sure. But I feel I’m smart enough to say I honestly don’t know.”
She frowned a little. “That’s probably not what you wanted to hear.”
“I’d always rather have your honesty, pretty girl, than for you to say something you think I should hear,” I told her, shrugging a shoulder. “I don’t know, either.” I huffed a laugh, but it fizzled out pretty quickly as I looked back at my mother’s name chiseled artfully into the stone. “I just…” I swallowed back my emotions. “I just wish she’d had the chance to get away from here. I wish I could tell her…everything.”
“You can, sweetheart. And if you believe she’s someplace happy, then you have to believe she’s watching over you.” She tilted my head back to meet her gaze. “She fought like fucking hell to give you a chance to live, Evan. That’s all she wanted—to clear a path for you and Tyler and Faith to flourish in life, and despite all your dad has done, you now have that chance. After all I’ve heard about her, about this place, I know all she wanted was for you to be happy. You can tell her now, here, or you can write it down, but I think…I’d like to think she knows, baby.”
I nodded, feeling the sting of tears, because her honesty was sweet and really what I needed to hear. “I miss her, Dani.”
“I know you do,” she whispered against my cheek, wrapping her arms around me.
“I used to wish it was my dad’s name on this stone, but I was angry at her and him and everyone. I just…I know you’re right. I know all she wanted was for us to follow our dreams. She told us all the time.”
“Angry is normal. I can’t blame you for it at all.”
I sniffled and laughed softly at the same time but looked over at her. “She would’ve really liked you,” I whispered, brushing a lock of hair out of her face. “I know that much.”
“You think so? I don’t know…I mean, I’m crazy about her son, but I talk too much and say dumb things…” She laughed at my grin.
“I know she would…’Cause it’s you who makes me happy.”
Dani smiled, her eyes watering a little. “Good, Evan. I’m glad.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Evan
“WE’LL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU,” Tyler told Aunt Tessa. “But if I don’t stop at the diner for coffee, Jas’ll kill me…or turn into the road-rage queen.”
I grinned from the back seat at Jasmine’s snort, but she nodded and shrugged too. “I resemble that remark,” she muttered, grinning at Dani’s soft laugh.
Faith, Dani, and I were all riding with Tyler to Missoula in order to spend a few more minutes with my brother, and he and Jasmine would go to dinner with us one last time before leaving us at the hotel by the airport. The two of them would then head back to the dorms to study and catch up on things they’d missed while in Key Lake. The movers were loaded up and gone with the few boxes we’d needed. Faith was packed and had already checked out Glenhaven High School’s website, the school Wes had attended. She was nervous and quiet, but she seemed to be coming to terms with it all. She’d wanted to join me in Florida anyway. It all had just happened quicker than we’d originally thought.
“Coffee sounds pretty damn good, actually,” Dani chimed in, leaning into me from the middle of the back seat.
She was between Faith and me, and just like I’d thought, the two got along perfectly. Jasmine too, for that matter. All three had very strong personalities, but they seemed to complement one another instead of clashing.
We shot waves to Daniel, Leanne, Wes, and Aunt Tessa as they pulled out ahead of us from my driveway, and I gave one last look to the house. As much as I missed my mother, I wouldn’t miss that house. Anything good that I remembered was now overshadowed by Dad’s hate. The house meant nothing to me. It was cold and sharp, with a darkness that hung over it. As I looked at it one more time, every anxious feeling about it melted away. I was going home, and I honestly didn’t care what my father’s fate would be, though I knew he was falling deeper and deeper into trouble—something for which he alone was responsible.
We pulled into the diner, and Dani and Jasmine went in for their coffee. Tyler followed to keep them company. I looked over to Faith.
“I won’t miss this town,” she said, meeting my gaze after rolling her eyes.
Chuckling, I reached over to squeeze her shoulder. “You really won’t, Faith.”
There was a rumble of a truck engine, not to mention a shadow cast over Tyler’s car, and when I glanced to the parking space next to us, I groaned, shaking my head slowly. I’d gone the whole damn Christmas break in Key Lake without running into
any former classmates…until now.
Brandon Hill had once been a friend in middle school. He then turned into the biggest asshole. As he slid down from his ridiculously tall, oversize truck, he caught sight of Faith and me, a slow, evil smile creeping up his face. A petite blonde girl slid down from the passenger side at the same time.
“Ah, well…Looky here. If it isn’t Slaughter Shaw!” he taunted, beaming like he’d just received an extra fucking Christmas present. “Rumor has it your old man is in deep shit.”
I snorted, glancing to Faith, who looked like she was about five seconds from launching herself through the back window at him. But when I looked back at Brandon, I saw Dani, Jasmine, and Tyler emerge from the diner. My brother’s face darkened at the sight of Brandon, but Dani’s eyes narrowed as I opened the door to let her in.
“I got us a large to share, baby,” she said, standing up on her toes to kiss my lips.
Brandon laughed outright. “You’re Slaughter Shaw’s girl?” he asked incredulously but flinched when Tyler stepped closer. “Hoshit! Tyler…didn’t see you there…”
Tyler grinned, shaking his head. “Get away from me, Brandon. I’ve got more important shit to do today than teach you a lesson in history.”
Brandon smirked, holding out his hand to Jasmine and then Dani. “Brandon Hill. I used to go to school with…”
Jasmine looked at him like he was a disgusting, slimy bug. Dani, however, eyed his hand, tilted her head to take in his truck, and then she looked to me.
“Did he really just call you…Slaughter Shaw?” she asked in a dangerously slow drawl, and I heard Faith’s giggle, never mind the fact that Jasmine and Tyler were waiting for whatever my girl was about to say. When I nodded, her nostrils flared and her eyes darkened as she faced Brandon. “Is this your truck?” she asked, which wasn’t what I was expecting, and Brandon grinned proudly her way.
“Hell, yeah…special mud tires, a lift-kit…”
“Aww…” she crooned sadly in a sing-song way, giving him a falsely sympathetic smile. “You know, in Psych class, we were just studying how men overcompensate for their shortcomings by going overboard with their…hobbies. It usually takes the form of status symbols—vehicles, gun collections, hunting trophies—all to make up for where they’re lacking, which could be intellect, income, or penis size, so which is it?”
He looked confused, which only caused the rest of us to openly laugh.
“Tough call, huh?” She spun to face me. “Coffee, handsome?”
Grinning, I took the cup as she crawled into the back seat of the car.
Jasmine barked a laugh, mouthing so sorry to the blonde with him, and once everyone was back in the car, she turned to face Dani as we left Brandon and his confused girl and that stupidly ginormous truck behind us. “Oh, Dani…You may be the most perfect girl for Evan.”
Dani grinned, glancing up my way as I whispered, “I know she is,” against her temple.
The long drive into Missoula was a mix of laughter and music and conversation that had nothing to do with William Shaw, Key Lake, or even Brandon. Tyler and I traded college stories, the girls chatted about all sorts of different stuff, and for the first time since I’d landed in Montana, I felt normal, calm, but that could’ve been because I was about to leave the whole state behind.
My brother and Jasmine treated Dani to some of the sights of the city before we met up with the rest of Dani’s family for dinner, which felt a bit like a celebration that some of the worst was over.
Once Tyler pulled up to the hotel, he turned to face us. “I’ll keep you posted on Dad, guys. And we’ll be down as soon as school lets out for the summer. Baby bro, watch over the midget…and vice versa.”
“I will,” Faith and I said at the same time.
“And guys…let this shit go. Forget about Dad. We’re in the right, so we just have to wait out all his court bullshit.”
We all nodded and got out, calling goodbyes and love yous before we walked into the hotel.
Dani squeezed my hand, looking up at me. “I…I got a room for the two of us to share, Evan, so I hope…”
Nodding, I kissed her temple. “Yeah, I’m gonna hate the dorms after this.”
Her giggle was adorable. “Then my spoiling you is working!”
It turned out that Faith had her own room, where everyone else was doubled up. I honestly just needed to be back in Florida. I was ready to do like my brother said and put all of this shit behind me.
It wasn’t until later that I realized how subdued Dani had been since we’d checked into the hotel. Throughout dinner, she’d been quiet, not to mention in the car as we drove around Missoula. Once we were settled in our room, I sat her down on the edge of the bed.
“What’s wrong, pretty girl? You’re so quiet. Is there…Do you…” I wasn’t sure what to ask or even how to ask it, but something was making her nervous. I worried that I’d done something wrong, though I couldn’t figure out what.
She reached up to trail her fingers down my face, her brow furrowing a little. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Dani.”
She got up from the bed to rummage around in her bag, pulling out something I’d completely forgotten about—my leather-bound journal. I chuckled a little, taking it from her.
“Did you read it all, baby?” I asked her, thumbing through it but looking up at the beautiful girl taking her seat back on the bed.
She nodded, leaning in to kiss me. “I did. And it was beautiful. All of it. I prefer the real deal, but I was missing you, so I was happy with what you gave me.”
Grinning, I nodded but tilted my head at her. “So what’s this got…You didn’t answer my question. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, Evan,” she spoke softly, fidgeting with my fingers in her lap. “I just…There was an entry in there.” She finally met my gaze as she tapped the book. “You said…You…I don’t need candles or…or beautiful words, but Evan, I’m ready for the universe to shift.”
It took me a second to realize what she meant, and when I did, I gasped, gaping up at her with shock. “Dani, what are you saying?”
“I’m…I want to be with you…in every way, Evan. I’m ready…Shit, I was ready before you left Florida, but…I love you, and I want to show you.”
I gave the room a quick glance as I set my journal on the floor. If I was being honest with myself, I hadn’t seen it happening this way. Though, I wasn’t sure what I’d expected. However, this was slowly starting to feel like the perfect place. We had our own room, not her bedroom at her house or my dorm room. It was ours and ours alone. It also seemed like perfect timing because I wanted to show her too. I’d thought I loved her before I’d gotten on the plane to come here, but as I gazed at the girl in front of me, I knew it was more, deeper, just everything.
Reaching for her face, I brushed the backs of my fingers across her cheek. “You’re sure?” I asked in a whisper. “Pretty girl, I need you to be so sure…” My voice was soft, but the tone was pleading. I’d never forgive myself if she wasn’t really ready.
“I’m sure I love you,” she said back with a slight smile on her gorgeous face, but she tilted her head at me, brushing my lips with hers for a brief, light kiss. “Evan, we don’t need candles or poetry or grand gestures. We don’t need to plan a thing. We just need each other.”
I grinned, kissing her again softly. “Plan…” I scoffed as I shook my head. “I never planned on you, Dani. That’s for damn sure.” I sighed, standing up in front of her and kicking out of my shoes before sitting on the bed with my back against the headboard. “C’mere,” I breathed, holding my arms out for her, and immediately she was astride my lap. Cupping her face, I said, “We may not need grand gestures, Dani, but…This…this is important to me, not because it’s the first time but because it’s you. I want this to be…everything. You are everything to me, and I…Despite how badly I want you—and oh God, I want you so bad—I want this to be special. And I don’t want to hurt you or
mess up or…”
She smiled, leaning in to kiss me and raking her fingers gently through my hair to shut me up and most likely settle me down as well. “From the very second I met you, Evan Shaw, I knew you would never hurt me. I know it, deep down inside my heart. And at no time, no matter what we’ve done, have I regretted a thing.”
I was overthinking. I knew I was. She’d once told me it didn’t matter that I’d never had a girlfriend, and she’d placed her hand on my heart, telling me to follow it. As I gazed up at the girl who’d irreversibly changed my life for the better, I could feel myself completely surrender. She made me strong, she made me laugh, and she gave me peace in the stormy shit that was my life. But I could see she was my future too. All those things she’d said that first morning she’d arrived in Key Lake—I wanted it. I wanted all of it. I wanted to mesh our lives together into one perfect thing.
Slipping my hand into her hair, I brought her lips to mine. I kissed her softly, like our first kiss, taking my time, but I pulled back to meet her gaze. “I know we don’t need…I mean…” I kissed her again, deeply, simply because I couldn’t stop myself, but when I pulled back, I met her dark, heated gaze. “I want to make you feel good, Dani. And…and…”
Her smile was wicked and sexy and sweet—all at the same time. “We don’t need anything. You know I’m on the pill, baby. You’ve seen me take it. Now…Finish that sentence, Evan.”
I swallowed nervously. “I want to see all of you, and I can’t wait to feel you.”
“Yes,” she hissed, reaching for the bottom of her sweater and tugging it off, only to reach for mine.
Something in us melted away. There was no more hesitation. When we were both shirtless, left only in our jeans, I sat up, wrapping my arms around her as we lost ourselves in the deepest kiss. It started slightly frantic and hungry, but slowly we both found a smooth, deep pace, with hands touching skin and chest pressing against chest. Rolling us, I melted into her, barely breaking away from her lips, but she wrapped her legs around my waist as hands started to pull and push and grip.